14 Signs You’re in a Tumultuous Relationship (Plus How to Repair It)

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Defining a tumultuous relationship so you can work on improving things with your partner
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Do you feel like your relationship is always rocky? One day you and your partner are fine, and then the next day you’re on the brink of breaking up. Tumultuous relationships can be hard to spot, but they do have some key things in common. If you’re wondering whether or not you’re in a tumultuous relationship, you’ve come to the right place. We’ll tell you the main signs to watch for as well as how you can work on repairing your relationship to feel at peace with your partner again.

Things You Should Know

  • A tumultuous relationship is a rocky relationship that never seems to even out. It has very high highs and very low lows.
  • You may be in a tumultuous relationship if you two have the same fights over and over again or hold grudges against each other.
  • It may also be a tumultuous relationship if you’ve broken up and gotten back together a few times.
  • To repair a tumultuous relationship, work together to solve issues instead of trying to “win” fights.
Section 1 of 3:

What is a tumultuous relationship?

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  1. When you and your partner are happy together, you’re really happy—but when things are bad, they’re really bad. You might describe your relationship as a rollercoaster ride, or like a ship on the sea: you never know what’s coming next. [1]
    • Tumultuous relationships can feel toxic at times, but they can also feel great. Generally, a tumultuous relationship has very high highs and very low lows, making it tough to figure out whether it’s healthy or not.
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs of a Tumultuous Relationship

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  1. It’s normal to fight in any relationship, even a healthy one. But when fights are unproductive and go around in circles, they aren’t constructive anymore. If you find yourself fighting about the same topics without coming to any conclusions, it’s a sign that your relationship may not be the healthiest. [2]
    • Your relationship may also be tumultuous if you two aren’t fighting fair . Even when you disagree with each other, it’s important to respect each other and not devolve into yelling or name-calling.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 2883 wikiHow readers how they and their partner communicate during fights, and only 5% of them said they don’t fight. [Take Poll] It’s normal for couples to have arguments now and then, but in a healthy relationship, fights don’t occur over and over.
  2. Do you find yourself tiptoeing around your partner? Maybe you’re avoiding setting them off, because you know they might start yelling or raging. This is a sign that your relationship is unhealthy. [3]
    • It’s the same if your partner is tiptoeing around you, too. If you two can’t express yourselves openly around each other, then the relationship probably won’t work out long-term.
  3. Do you start yelling at the drop of a hat? Maybe things that used to roll off your back are now starting to make you lose it. This is a sign that you’re wound up too tight, and your relationship might be the cause. [4]
    • This is especially true if you find yourself snapping at your partner often. If you can’t handle it when they do little things, like chew loudly or forget to pick up milk, then it’s likely you’ve become accustomed to your tumultuous ways.
    • Sometimes, this can be linked with a lack of rational thinking. You might make things a way bigger deal in your head than they need to be, simply because you’re on edge so much.
  4. Think about what life would be like without your partner. In healthy relationships, you might feel sad, but you could live without each other. In a codependent relationship, you may feel like you couldn’t live or breathe without each other. This likely explains why you keep coming back to the relationship, even when you know it’s not the best for you. [5]
    • You can tell if you’re codependent if you tend to value your partner’s opinion over your own or you have difficulty saying no to your partner.
  5. When you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship, things generally aren’t very stable. Breaking up and getting back together over and over shows that you have trouble committing to each other, and it may mean that your ups and downs are affecting the relationship. [6]
    • Do you find yourself just waiting for the next time that you two break up? If so, you’re probably in a tumultuous relationship.
  6. Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. If you and your partner keep secrets from each other, it’s likely that your relationship is not healthy. [7] Lots of lying usually means lots of secrets, which can lead to a rocky relationship when one or both of you discovers what the other person is hiding.
    • Along the same lines, any sort of cheating in the relationship means that it’s tumultuous as well.
  7. A lot of times, you may not even notice that you’re manipulating your partner. Maybe you shut down when they bring up something you don’t want to talk about (which is called stonewalling), or you criticize your partner when they bring up something they want you to change (which is called deflecting). If these are habits in your relationship, it means you’re used to manipulating each other. [8]
    • Manipulation can come from just one partner, or it can be on both sides. These manipulative actions lead to a toxic, unhealthy relationship.
  8. Everyone has to make small changes in their relationship. However, trying to change someone at their core is never going to work. If you find that you’re actively trying to make your partner change, the relationship likely isn’t healthy. [9]
    • For instance, you might go to bed earlier or eat healthier for your partner. But if you try to change their stance on marriage or whether or not they want to have kids, you’re likely to be disappointed.
  9. Belittling your partner is a way of talking down to them to lower their self-esteem. Maybe you’d never belittle other people in your life, but your relationship has become so toxic that you fall into it naturally. Since respect is a pillar of a healthy relationship, belittling your partner likely means things are tumultuous. [10]
    • Belittling your partner might be questioning their intelligence (“That’s so dumb,” “You’ve got no common sense”) or criticizing their skills (“Are you sure you should be doing that?” “Here, let me take over. You’re just going to make it worse.”).
  10. When grudges fester over time, they lead to unhealthy relationships. It’s normal to be upset at your partner every now and then, but healthy couples work through those issues together. If you find yourself bringing up fights that happened years ago, that’s a red flag. [11]
    • Larger issues, like infidelity, may need counseling to work through. If you want to save your relationship and work through these issues, consider attending couples counseling .
  11. One day you two are doing great, and the next day you’re almost breaking up again. If you feel like you can’t tell where your relationship is going to stand from one day to the next, you’re definitely in a tumultuous relationship. [12]
    • For instance, maybe in the morning you two wake up and have a great breakfast together. But when you make an innocuous comment about the dishes, it sets your partner off, and now you two are in a days-long fight.
  12. A small amount of jealousy is okay in normal relationships. However, if you find that you’re checking up on your partner’s whereabouts or you don’t want them to hang out with their friends, that’s a red flag. The same thing goes if your partner is very jealous of your interactions: it probably means there’s a lack of trust in the relationship, which can make things very rocky. [13]
    • You and your partner can work together to overcome jealousy , but it takes time and a foundation of trust and honesty.
  13. Gossiping about your partner shows an inherent lack of respect, which probably means things are not going well. While it’s normal to vent about your partner to close friends occasionally, if you’re doing it often or with ill intent, then something is up. [14]
    • When you and your partner are having issues, be sure to talk them out with your partner before anyone else.
  14. Any type of abusive behavior indicates that the relationship is not healthy. If your partner calls you names, gaslights you, or yells at you, then it’s time to leave the relationship. [15] Similarly, if your partner plays the victim all the time or can’t accept any blame for themselves, then it’s time to end things.
    • The same goes if there is any physical abuse in the relationship. Make a plan to safely leave your partner with the help of friends and family.
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Repair a Tumultuous Relationship

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  1. If you’re ready to take steps to heal your relationship, sit your partner down and have an open, honest conversation. [16] Let them know that you think the relationship is worth fighting for, but you’re both unhappy, and things need to change.
    • “Honey, could we talk about our relationship? I love you, and I want us both to be happy. It seems like we’ve had a lot of ups and downs lately, and I want it to be more smooth-sailing, for the both of us.”
    • “Let’s talk about our relationship. I can tell that you’re not happy, and I’m not, either. I love you and I want this to work, but I think we need to be honest with ourselves.”
  2. As you work through issues, focus less on “winning” the fight and more on working together. Remember, to fight fairly, it’s you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. [17]
    • To avoid making your partner feel defensive, use “I” language as often as possible. For instance, you might say, “When we don’t go out on dates together, I feel neglected.”
  3. In a relationship, no one is perfect. It’s likely your partner is going to ask you to change a few things, just like you’re going to ask them to change, too. Keep your mind open and be willing to adjust your behavior in order to make the relationship work. [18]
    • For instance, maybe your partner wants you to go out with your friends less, but you want to see your friends 3 times a week. As a compromise, you might promise to go out with your buddies 1 time a week, and have a dedicated date night with your partner once a week as well.
  4. Be a role model for your partner so they can follow your behavior. Break out of the old habits, and change your behavior. What does your ideal relationship look like? Once you figure that out, model those behaviors and treat your partner like you also want to be treated. [19]
    • For instance, instead of yelling when you get mad, take a walk to clear your head and come back when you’re calm. You probably wouldn’t want to be yelled at, so don’t yell at your partner, either.
  5. Being in a tumultuous relationship can be hard, and you deserve to take some time for yourself. Practice self-care by doing something nice for yourself once a day, like taking a bubble bath or listening to your favorite music. [20]
    • You could also try doing moderate exercise, like yoga or jogging.
  6. Couples counseling is a great way to get unbiased opinions and advice. If you and your partner have tried everything and nothing is changing, reach out to a counselor. [21]
    • In couples counseling, you’ll both get a chance to talk about the relationship from your own perspective. The counselor will weigh in with their opinion and likely give you two some advice on how to move forward.
  7. Tumultuous relationships are challenging, and they don’t always work out for the best. If you and your partner have tried many things, including counseling, and they just aren’t working, it may be better for the both of you to cut things off. [22]
    • Make sure that if you do decide to end the relationship , it’s for good. It’s important not to reignite a tumultuous relationship again, since that will just start the same old habits over again.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you stop my toxic behavior in a relationship?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    It starts with recognizing that some of your behaviors are unhealthy, and taking responsibility and accountability to stay focused on yourself rather than on your partner. It also helps to explore the underlying reasons why you're acting a certain way—even if you don't understand the reasons, you can still ask yourself "Is this behavior good for me or not? Is it good for my relationships?" From there, work to develop certain types of strategies to change your behavior. To truly "unlearn" something, you have to learn a new, positive behavior in its place.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about dealing with tumultuous relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
      4. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
      5. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/service-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/service-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships
      8. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
      9. ↑ https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652
      1. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
      2. ↑ https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/holding-a-grudge
      3. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
      4. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
      5. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/service-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships
      6. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      8. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html
      9. ↑ https://www.thesource.org/post/heres-what-compromise-looks-like-in-a-healthy-relationship
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/6-steps-repairing-your-relationship
      11. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/201905/5-ways-marriage-counseling-can-save-troubled-marriage
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship

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