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Revealing the most common turn-ons and turn-offs for ladies
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Although there’s no cut-and-dried list of what definitely turns women on, there are tons of universal qualities that might make the special lady in your life swoon. We’ve listed all of these, plus a few subtle triggers that get her in the mood if you’re prepping for a romantic evening alone. We also listed a few qualities that most women might not find attractive so you can avoid them at all costs. Let’s dive in!
Top Things That Turn Women On
- Confidence
- Making eye contact
- Good grooming habits
- Playing with her hair
- Being present and attentive
- Whispering in her ear
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Things That Turn Women On
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Confidence Projecting confidence can not only make a strong first impression, but it’s super attractive to both men and women. [1] X Research source Be comfortable with who you are and try not to compare yourself to others. When she sees how self-assured you are, she’s sure to like you even more.
- Build self-confidence by identifying negative beliefs about yourself and challenging them. [2] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- If you tell yourself that you’re “awkward,” write this thought down. Then, write evidence that contradicts it like “I’m good at making small talk” or “I do great in job interviews.”
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Being well dressed Wearing comfortable, fashionable clothes that make you feel confident can also make you look confident. Consider what clothing items you like and what you don’t like, and mix and match items in your closet to form outfits you feel cool in. [3] X Research source
- Once you develop a personal style , shop for additional items to add to your wardrobe. Donate items that don’t fit anymore or that don’t add to your style. [4] X Research source
- Celebrity matchmaker and dating coach Alessandra Conti recommends “hiring a stylist that specifically specializes in date night fashion” with “the intention of being appealing to the… sex that you're trying to appeal to.”
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Making eye contact Eye contact is one of the most important nonverbal ways to communicate affection. When you meet the eyes of someone you like, it can reveal how you really feel about them and open the door for more intimacy. [5] X Research source
- One study found that the most comfortable eye contact length is about 3 seconds on average. [6] X Research source
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Wearing cologne Colognes can accentuate your natural body scent and cover up less attractive smells. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source They can also be a good way to attract a beautiful woman’s attention. Shop around to find a scent that calls out to you, or take your partner to the store to get one you both like.
- Some of the most attractive scents include vanilla, sandalwood, patchouli, citrus, and lavender. [8] X Research source
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Good grooming habits Showering, styling your hair , wearing deodorant, and shaving where you’d like to can make you more alluring. [9] X Research source Research has even found that your level of attractiveness can increase just by cleaning up your appearance, standing up straight, and managing your diet. [10] X Research source
- Conti also says an easy way to “boost your levels of attraction is to start taking care of your body [and] going to the gym.”
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Generosity and kindness Most women tend to be attracted to people who are nice, friendly, and generous towards them. [11] X Research source Putting other people’s needs above your own can also help your own mental health and wellbeing, which might also make you look attractive to others. [12] X Trustworthy Source Mental Health Foundation UK charity working towards good mental health for all. Go to source
- You might open the door for her, lighten her workload by handling a task for her, or tell her how much you like and appreciate her.
- In one study, kindness and supportiveness were found to be two of the top five most attractive traits in a partner for both men and women. [13] X Research source
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Chivalry Chivalry doesn’t just mean holding a door open or giving up your seat—it’s about being respectful and courteous to others around you. [14] X Research source Letting others speak without interruption, listening to others, and respecting differences in their beliefs or opinions may catch women’s attention.
- Other “gentlemanly” behaviors that women might find attractive include helping others with their luggage, forgiving others, and being empathetic. [15] X Research source
- “Chivalry” in dating has changed a ton over the years, but today, it’s usually used to talk about how men should treat women in romantic relationships. [16] X Research source
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Playfully teasing her Teasing is a flirting technique that’s all about toying with the line between aggression and play, which can make you and the other person closer. [17] X Research source You might give her a silly nickname, poke fun at something embarrassing she does, or playfully accuse her of hitting on you.
- You’re such a theatre kid—I think I’m going to call you TK for short.
- Watch out for Tabitha, she’s always tripping and falling!
- What I’m hearing is that you have a massive crush on me, but I could be wrong.
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A good sense of humor Research has found that women tend to like men who make them laugh. [18] X Research source Watch movies or stand-up comedians that make you laugh and try a few different jokes on your friends and the women in your life to see what sticks. [19] X Research source
- Being funny is all about learning to laugh at yourself while being calm and confident at the same time.
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Actively listening to her Everyone loves to feel heard and understood. Active listening is not only an attractive quality, but it also can lead to higher relationship satisfaction. [20] X Research source To be a good listener, try restating important details back to her, nodding your head, and looking engaged and open while she talks to you. [21] X Research source
- Use small verbal reactions to show you’re engaged, like “Wow,” “Mmhmm,” or “Really?”
- Try not to plan out what you’re going to say next—you might miss what the other person is saying and make them feel unheard. [22] X Research source
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Playing with her hair Physical touch can be a great way to make her feel relaxed and connected to you. If you’re ever in a position where someone you’re close to has their head near you or in your lap, try running your fingers through her hair or gently rubbing the back of her neck. [23] X Research source
- One of the reasons it might feel good for someone to play with your hair is because it can cause a static-like or tingling sensation called the autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR). [24] X Research source
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Cooking skills When you cook , it can make you look independent, focused, and thoughtful—not to mention, she gets a delicious homemade meal at the end. If you’re planning a date night with a special someone, whip out an old family recipe and try to recreate it for her.
- Light a few candles, play soft music, set out your nice dishes, and get ready to wine and dine her with a night of romance.
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Surprising her with a gift Getting her a gift tells her that you were thinking about her while she wasn’t around. Whether it’s a flower you found on the side of the road or a handmade album showcasing your relationship, giving her something thoughtful can be a great way to make her feel loved and even more connected to you. [25] X Research source
- The gift doesn’t need to be anything expensive—the key is to pick meaningful objects that matter to her.
- Small tokens of affection, like picking her up a cup of coffee on the way to see her or giving her a cute keychain from your travels, can also be a good way to increase her attraction to you.
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Pitching in around the house Being responsible for all the household responsibilities can become overwhelming and exhausting. When you take over half the chores, it can free up her time and energy for more sexy activities. [26] X Research source
- According to one study, women tend to feel less desire for their husbands when the men don’t do their fair share of the household chores.
- Part of the reason why doing chores might be attractive in heterosexual couples is that it defies the traditional view that women should be responsible for most household tasks.
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Complimenting her on something non-physical Phrases like “You’re so beautiful” or “I’m so attracted to you” might come from a truthful, well-meaning place, but for some women, it can suggest that you only like her for her looks. If you’re trying to rizz up a new partner, try complimenting her achievements or personality instead. [27] X Research source
- You’re such a good listener!
- You’re so hard-working and strong.
- I love how open-minded and non-judgemental you are.
- You always smell so good!
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Passion and outspokenness Being committed to what you enjoy doing can make you seem powerful, ambitious, and exciting to be around. [28] X Research source The next time you’re with a woman you find attractive, try talking about something you love, whether it’s your work, a hobby, or an interest you get excited about.
- Try to tie what you’re passionate about into what she likes. For example, if she says she loves space, you might bring up that you love stargazing and astrology.
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Being present and attentive It may seem obvious, but dividing your attention between her and your phone or whatever else may be happening around you can communicate disinterest and block chemistry from happening. [29] X Research source When you’re with her, turn off all distractions, give all your attention to her, and watch the sparks start to fly.
- One speed-dating study of heterosexual couples revealed that men preferred women who were physically attractive regardless of whether their attention was on them. [30] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- Women, on the other hand, tended to value men who were present over men who were physically attractive and non-attentive. [31] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
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Wearing a tailored suit A suit can make you look slim, clean, and put-together, which are all super attractive traits. This doesn’t mean you have to wear a suit 24/7—the key is wearing one to the right occasion. If you have a wedding, cocktail party, or black-tie event coming up, dust off that old blazer and sweep the ladies off their feet.
- If you’re not sure what kind of suit to choose, try getting a simple 2-button suit in navy blue or charcoal. [32] X Research source
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Remembering the things she likes There’s a reason why remembering basic things about someone’s personality is a top sign that you like them . [33] X Research source Showing that you care about her enough to remember her favorite movie or snack can be a huge turn-on—especially when you take the extra step to turn it into a romantic gesture.
- For example, if you remember that she loves dolphins, you might take her to the aquarium and give her a stuffed dolphin on your next date.
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Kissing her neck When she exposes her neck, it can be a sign that she’s feeling comfortable and flirty. Going in for a few kisses in that area in the middle of a hot makeout sesh can be super erotic. [34] X Research source
- Other kissing hotspots might be her jawbone, the spot just behind her ears, her collarbone, and the nape, or front, of her neck. [35] X Research source
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Valuing her independence When a woman feels like her own person, she’s more likely to see her partner as someone exciting or attractive because she feels like they’re someone she still doesn’t completely understand or have. [36] X Research source This means that encouraging her to pursue her own interests and goals can make her more attracted to you.
- Try to encourage her to do activities without you and place as much value on her wants, desires, and feelings as you do on your own. [37] X Research source
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Sending her cute texts Texting her throughout the day can make her feel special , loved, and appreciated. If she’s open to it, you can even send something a little spicier to ramp up the heat. Try shooting her one of these romantic messages to remind her you’re thinking about her: [38] X Research source
- I can't decide if the best part of my day is waking up next to you, or going to sleep with you.
- I always wake up smiling. I think it's your fault. 😉
- Being with you is my favorite feeling!
- I can’t stop thinking about kissing you again.
- It’s so cold here… want to come to keep me warm? 😈
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Telling her you think about her Women may be more likely to be turned on when they feel like they’re being seen as attractive and desirable by another person. [39] X Research source If you’re looking to turn on your partner, try telling her that you’ve been fantasizing or dreaming about her. [40] X Research source
- If you’re not dating her, try to stick to things that aren’t super explicit. You might send her a meme that reminds you of her or tell her the way she dresses is super cool.
- Similarly, a 2010 study found that women’s fantasies often involve having sex with strangers and other situations that confirm that they’re attractive.
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Giving her a massage Massaging her shoulders after a long, hard day can be a spicy way of showing love and affection. Spread a little bit of massage oil (like olive or grape seed) with a relaxing scent on her, and gently rub out the knots in her back, using your body weight to apply pressure if she asks for it. [41] X Research source
- Massaging your partner can also foster trust, improve your communication, and relieve stress. [42] X Research source
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Wearing revealing clothes Fitted T-shirts, booty shorts, slim-fitting khakis, button-up shirts with the sleeves rolled up… there are tons of sexy clothing options to turn her on. [43] X Research source The key is feeling attractive in whatever you wear—she’ll see your confidence and want even more.
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Experimenting in the bedroom Reenacting your fantasies, dressing up in sexy costumes, or switching locations can be a great way to discover each other’s bodies and figure out what you both like in the bedroom. Let your imagination roam free and remember to set boundaries for especially spicy stuff.
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Carrying heavy items for her Placing her heavy suitcase into the plane’s storage bin or offering to carry a couch up the stairs while she’s moving can make her feel safe and loved. [44] X Research source It can also be a great way to show off your muscles and make her a little bit flustered!
- According to a 2017 study, the physical strength of a man was the strongest predictor of whether he was rated attractive. [45] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Hugging her from behind Hugging her from behind can be a way to bond with her because you’re both standing close to each other while enjoying the same view. [46] X Research source If you want to turn the heat up a little bit, it can also be a good opportunity to kiss her neck or nibble on her ear.
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Kissing her passionately Kissing is one of the easiest ways to connect with your partner and quickly develop chemistry. Allow yourself to press your entire body against hers, touch her wherever she wants to be touched, and slip in a little tongue when things get hot and heavy. [47] X Research source
- If she’s cool with it, kiss her other places, too—her neck, collarbone, chest, and thighs can all be great places to generate some heat.
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Asking her what she likes in the bedroom Women’s desires and pleasure tend to get overlooked in the bedroom, so asking her what she does or doesn’t like can help make her feel more empowered and turned on. [48] X Research source You can also let her take control for a night and show you what she wants you to do.
- Women tend to climax less often than men, partly because they just expect to be less satisfied. [49] X Research source
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Being yourself Embracing who you really are is the ultimate turn-on. After all, she already likes you for you—if you don’t like wearing suits or can’t cook to save your life, that’s completely fine! There are tons of things you already do that make her attracted to you.
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Section 2 of 2:
Turn-Offs for Women
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Poor communication Relationships are built on good communication, so people who ghost you regularly or turn hot or cold at a moment’s notice can lose their appeal pretty quickly. Women want to know how you feel about them and where the two of you stand in the relationship. [52] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- What to do instead: Try to check in with her regularly to see how she’s doing and reinforce your feelings for her instead of trying to “play it cool” and make her chase you. [53] X Research source
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Being boastful or overly cocky Just like confidence can drive women wild, overconfidence can be a total vibe-killer. [54] X Research source Overestimating your own abilities and putting emphasis on yourself can come off as arrogant or narcissistic and make her feel frustrated or less valued. [55] X Research source
- What to do instead: Be willing to admit when you make mistakes and see situations from her point of view to prevent yourself from sounding too cocky. [56] X Research source
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Being rude or disrespectful Being rude to waitstaff and strangers, not caring about other people, and talking badly about others can be a huge turn-off for some women. Not only can these habits make you seem unkind, but they can make her assume that you’d act that way towards her if you weren’t dating. [57] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- What to do instead: Try to put other people’s needs before your own to make them feel good. Volunteering and helping others daily can help make kindness a habit. [58] X Trustworthy Source Mental Health Foundation UK charity working towards good mental health for all. Go to source
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Being overly clingy People who are “clingy” in relationships tend to have an anxious attachment style , which is a relationship behavioral pattern where you feel anxious about being rejected or abandoned, which causes you to try and prevent your partner from leaving you. However, this can do the opposite and ultimately push her away. [59] X Research source
- What to do instead: Visit a therapist to help you understand where this “clingy” behavior came from. Talk to your partner about your behavior and set boundaries to meet both of your needs.
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Having no ambition or drive Being lazy and unmotivated can make you seem like you have no personal goals, which can be a turn-off. [60] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source However, it can also be a sign of poor mental health, so it’s important to visit a therapist if you’re finding it difficult to be excited about your work or about life in general.
- What to do instead: Set a specific, achievable goal and think about what you need to rearrange to make it happen. Break your goal into small, easy tasks, and ask your friends and family to help keep you motivated. [61] X Research source
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