What Is Unconscious Gaslighting and How Do You Respond to It?

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Can manipulation be unintentional (and is it still abuse if it is)?
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While gaslighting on its own has made countless rounds on the internet over the last decade, unintentional gaslighting may take a bit more parsing: if manipulation can be unintentional, does that mean we’re all capable of it? Is it still abuse? Don’t worry—we’ve got everything you need to know about unintentional gaslighting, including examples to watch out for and how to overcome it, whether you’re the one being gaslit or you suspect that you yourself are guilty of this behavior.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Unintentional gaslighting is the act of making someone doubt their perception of reality, but without being aware of it.
  • Toxic positivity, telling white lies, and making excuses are all potential forms of unconscious gaslighting.
  • Combat unconscious gaslighting by calling it out, asking the gaslighter followup questions to uncover the truth, and questioning their motives.
Section 1 of 5:

What is unintentional gaslighting?

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  1. Gaslighting refers to a type of manipulation in which one person intentionally discounts another person’s reality, to the point that that person begins to doubt their own experiences. Over time, their self-doubt gives the gaslighter more and more power over them. This behavior is common in abusive relationships, including relationships with narcissists. Unintentional gaslighting, however, refers to gaslighting that is unconscious or unintended.
    • Unintentional gaslighting may be neutral, or it may be employed (unconsciously) to try to help the person being gaslit. For instance, when you have a rough day and your friend says, “It’s meant to be,” it’s probably the last thing you want to hear, but their intentions may actually have been good.
    • Unintentional gaslighting qualifies as emotional abuse as the target of the gaslighting can still end up harmed, especially if the behavior recurs over time.
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Section 2 of 5:

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

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  1. This is an example most of us have encountered, especially on social media where tinny, soulless memes encourage us to “be happy” in the face of overwhelming misery (e.g., severe depression or the death of a loved one). Those employing toxic positivity may have good intentions, but the effect of their bury-your-head-in-the-sand attitude is that the person being addressed may feel unheard and belittled, and maybe even ashamed of feeling sad or angry. [1]
    • Toxic positivity is often employed by people who are uncomfortable with the other person’s unhappiness. But the message their attitude sends is that they aren’t approachable for support.
    • An example of toxic positivity may be someone at a funeral saying, “They would want you to smile,” with the intention of cheering you up, but when you’re grieving, smiling is the last thing you want to do.
  2. When someone discounts your opinion as “wrong,” even playfully so, it can qualify as unintentional gaslighting. When we disregard others’ opinions and preferences in favor of our own, we are subtly promoting the idea that their experiences are invalid and that ours are the only “real” experiences. [2]
    • An example of this might be holding opposite opinions about a film. Disagreement is normal and healthy, but someone who discounts your opinion might hear you say you enjoyed the film and reply, “No you didn’t, it was terrible.”
    • It seems subtle, and as a one-time thing, it usually isn't a big deal. But over time, discounting others’ opinions—even about seemingly trivial things—can make them comfortable sharing their ideas or trusting you for support.
  3. Gaslighters may make up little excuses in what they perceive to be harmless ways to avoid getting in trouble. [3] For instance, if you ask your partner to help you do the dishes and they don’t get off the couch, they may later claim they just didn’t hear you.
    • This sort of gaslighting is likely less about your partner wanting to pull a fast one over on you than it is about them wanting to watch TV for a few more minutes undisturbed. But over time, this behavior can really eat away at a couple’s dynamic.
  4. All of us, without exception, have been guilty of talking in absolutes at one point or another (you see what we did there?). Well, maybe not all of us, but many of us. Speaking in absolutes discounts any gray area—“sometimes” becomes “always,” “rarely” becomes “never,” as in “You’re always home late!” or “You never think about what I need!” It has the effect of discounting the listener’s reality, in which they may only be late occasionally and they often think about their partner’s needs, or making them feel as if their efforts aren’t good enough or are unseen.
    • Understandably, most people talk in absolutes in the heat of the moment during an argument. When we’re feeling less passionate, we’re usually rational enough to know that nobody is ever “always” one way or “never” another way.
  5. Similar to belittling others’ opinions, someone who engages in unintentional gaslighting might tell you your experience of a certain event was flawed because you can’t trust your feelings: you’re too sensitive, you’re too scared, you’re too emotional, etcetera. While intentional gaslighters do this all the time, unintentional gaslighters might do the same thing out of reluctance to accept responsibility for something they did to hurt you or to make themselves look better, braver, or stronger. [4]
    • For instance, if your partner makes fun of your new haircut, you might say they've hurt your feelings. If they reply, “Well, you’re always sensitive about your looks,” they’re gaslighting you. It’s possible they don’t want to think of themselves as “the bad guy,” or they’re frustrated their fun was ruined.
    • An acceptable response would have been one that acknowledges your feelings and takes accountability for their actions, such as, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think about it. I’d never want you to feel bad about yourself.”
  6. People may tell white lies—which they usually perceive to be innocuous—in order to protect someone else’s feelings, but in reality, honesty is almost always the best policy. (It’s a cliché because it’s true.) And often, while the liar may tell themselves they’re protecting the other person’s feelings, the reality is they’re usually just trying to avoid having to express an uncomfortable truth—especially if it implicates them in any way. [5]
    • An example of a white lie might be telling someone, “Don’t worry, the movie wasn’t very good,” because you feel bad the other person hasn’t seen it.
    • White liars may also tell lies to avoid being confronted. If you were supposed to see a movie with a friend but you saw it without them, you might say the movie sucked to downplay your betrayal.
  7. Memory is faulty across the board, but someone who engages in unintentional gaslighting might be reluctant to admit it when they’re wrong . While this stubbornness might be rooted in their own false pride and not in an attempt to manipulate and control you, the fact is that if you both remember something differently, and they’re never wrong, then you must be wrong. [6]
    • This is a particularly insidious form of manipulation, since it involves your own perceptions of events that occurred. You might shrug it off the first couple times it happens, but over time, if someone consistently asserts that your memory is faulty, you might begin to believe it is.
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Section 3 of 5:

Effects of Unintentional Gaslighting

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  1. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and dishonesty, and even if it’s unintentional, over time, the person being gaslit may gradually stop trusting the person doing the gaslighting. Trust is essential to the health of all relationships, but especially romantic relationships, so gaslighting—whether intended or not—can do major damage to a couple’s dynamic over time.
  2. Gaslighting forms a wedge between people over time. If someone is told repeatedly, even subtly, that their experience, feelings, opinions, and perceptions are wrong or skewed, they may learn not to confide in the person telling them this.
  3. If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone who continually gaslights you, even without meaning to, you’re likely to become less happy in the relationship. The less you trust your partner and feel you can rely on them for support, the more likely you are to experience dissatisfaction in your dynamic generally.
  4. Relationship dissatisfaction, coupled with an inability to trust or count on someone who’s supposed to be there for you, often results in increased depression. Feeling you can’t express yourself without being shut down or belittled generates low self-esteem over time, resulting in potentially serious depression.
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Section 4 of 5:

Responding to Unintentional Gaslighting

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  1. If the gaslighting is truly unintentional, then the person will stop—or at least want to discuss it—once they're confronted about it. Calling out gaslighting when you experience it can help the person doing it become more aware of their actions, which may help them curb their manipulative impulses.
  2. Often, gaslighting falls apart when it’s questioned because it doesn’t follow rational logic or is rooted in a lie the person can’t sustain. The next time someone gaslights you, gently question what they’re telling you or their motives: if their intentions are sincere, they may really consider how their actions might have affected you and try to do better in the future.
    • Ask questions that lead you to the truth or that poke holes in their story. A generally honest person will likely confess the more they’re pressed.
    • For instance, if your partner claims they didn’t buy milk because the store didn’t have it, ask them follow-up questions to make sure they didn't just forget: “Did you look down the milk aisle?”
  3. No matter what the other person says, remember your version of reality—your opinions, ideas, feelings, and perceptions. This alone won’t keep the other person from gaslighting you, but it will allay the negative effects of their gaslighting.
  4. Understand that gaslighting might be a habit, and it may take the person doing it a long time to get out of it. With time and lots of patience on your end, though, they may cease their manipulative behavior in time.
    • It may help if you try to understand the motives for their gaslighting. Realize that usually, unintentional gaslighting is less about them wanting to gain control over you and more about their own momentary selfishness.
  5. Just because the gaslighting is unintentional doesn’t mean you need to endure it. You can alert them to their behavior when it happens and be compassionate when they accidentally slip into the habit, but ultimately, the choice to remain in their company is yours. If you feel it would be better for you to leave , it may be the right way to go.
    • "Leaving the situation" may mean cutting off contact with the gaslighter, but it may also just mean exiting the interaction.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Being Gaslighted?

Do you suspect that a partner, relative, friend, or co-worker is gaslighting you? Gaslighting revolves around making someone question their reality and lived experiences and is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting can be incredibly confusing, disorienting, and hurtful—and sometimes it’s even hard to know when it’s happening. We’ve made a quiz to help you closely examine your experiences in a clear light, so you can know what next steps to take in your relationship.
1 of 12

How often do they call you “crazy,” “sensitive,” or another hurtful word?

Section 5 of 5:

What if you are the one gaslighting?

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  1. It might be hard to know off the cuff which actions to avoid or be aware of until someone points them out to you. As a general rule of thumb, try to avoid all of the signs of gaslighting examined in this article: avoid toxic positivity, white lies, negating others’ opinions or feelings, making up excuses, speaking in absolutes, and refusing to admit it when your own perception of reality is wrong. [7]
    • When someone points out your behavior and how it affects them, listen to them and try to do better. Trust that they're the expert on their own feelings, even if it's hard to believe you might be causing someone pain.
  2. Unintentional gaslighting is usually a result of the gaslighter having too much false pride or wanting to be perceived a certain way; for instance, admitting they’ve remembered something incorrectly may wound their ego. Letting go of some of that pride may help you stop gaslighting others.
  3. At the end of the day, we’re all toxic sometimes, and we all unintentionally manipulate others. If you find your gaslighting is getting out of hand or is negatively affecting your relationships, it might be time to seek out professional counseling. A licensed therapist can help you to confront your gaslighting tendencies, understand your motives, and overcome them. [8]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/toxic-positivity
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/09/narcissistic-projection
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
      8. ↑ https://www.stepstorecovery.com/rehab-blog/how-to-stop-being-manipulative/

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