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Can manipulation be unintentional (and is it still abuse if it is)?
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While gaslighting on its own has made countless rounds on the internet over the last decade, unintentional
gaslighting may take a bit more parsing: if manipulation can be unintentional, does that mean we’re all capable of it? Is it still abuse? Don’t worry—we’ve got everything you need to know about unintentional gaslighting, including examples to watch out for and how to overcome it, whether you’re the one being gaslit or you suspect that you yourself are guilty of this behavior.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Unintentional gaslighting is the act of making someone doubt their perception of reality, but without being aware of it.
- Toxic positivity, telling white lies, and making excuses are all potential forms of unconscious gaslighting.
- Combat unconscious gaslighting by calling it out, asking the gaslighter followup questions to uncover the truth, and questioning their motives.
Steps
Section 2 of 5:
Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting
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Toxic positivity This is an example most of us have encountered, especially on social media where tinny, soulless memes encourage us to “be happy” in the face of overwhelming misery (e.g., severe depression or the death of a loved one). Those employing toxic positivity may have good intentions, but the effect of their bury-your-head-in-the-sand attitude is that the person being addressed may feel unheard and belittled, and maybe even ashamed of feeling sad or angry. [1] X Research source
- Toxic positivity is often employed by people who are uncomfortable with the other person’s unhappiness. But the message their attitude sends is that they aren’t approachable for support.
- An example of toxic positivity may be someone at a funeral saying, “They would want you to smile,” with the intention of cheering you up, but when you’re grieving, smiling is the last thing you want to do.
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Failure to acknowledge other people’s opinions When someone discounts your opinion as “wrong,” even playfully so, it can qualify as unintentional gaslighting. When we disregard others’ opinions and preferences in favor of our own, we are subtly promoting the idea that their experiences are invalid and that ours are the only “real” experiences. [2] X Research source
- An example of this might be holding opposite opinions about a film. Disagreement is normal and healthy, but someone who discounts your opinion might hear you say you enjoyed the film and reply, “No you didn’t, it was terrible.”
- It seems subtle, and as a one-time thing, it usually isn't a big deal. But over time, discounting others’ opinions—even about seemingly trivial things—can make them comfortable sharing their ideas or trusting you for support.
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Making up excuses Gaslighters may make up little excuses in what they perceive to be harmless ways to avoid getting in trouble. [3] X Research source For instance, if you ask your partner to help you do the dishes and they don’t get off the couch, they may later claim they just didn’t hear you.
- This sort of gaslighting is likely less about your partner wanting to pull a fast one over on you than it is about them wanting to watch TV for a few more minutes undisturbed. But over time, this behavior can really eat away at a couple’s dynamic.
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Talking in absolutes All of us, without exception, have been guilty of talking in absolutes at one point or another (you see what we did there?). Well, maybe not all of us, but many of us. Speaking in absolutes discounts any gray area—“sometimes” becomes “always,” “rarely” becomes “never,” as in “You’re always home late!” or “You never think about what I need!” It has the effect of discounting the listener’s reality, in which they may only be late occasionally and they often think about their partner’s needs, or making them feel as if their efforts aren’t good enough or are unseen.
- Understandably, most people talk in absolutes in the heat of the moment during an argument. When we’re feeling less passionate, we’re usually rational enough to know that nobody is ever “always” one way or “never” another way.
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Discounting other people’s feelings Similar to belittling others’ opinions, someone who engages in unintentional gaslighting might tell you your experience of a certain event was flawed because you can’t trust your feelings: you’re too sensitive, you’re too scared, you’re too emotional, etcetera. While intentional gaslighters do this all the time, unintentional gaslighters might do the same thing out of reluctance to accept responsibility for something they did to hurt you or to make themselves look better, braver, or stronger. [4] X Research source
- For instance, if your partner makes fun of your new haircut, you might say they've hurt your feelings. If they reply, “Well, you’re always sensitive about your looks,” they’re gaslighting you. It’s possible they don’t want to think of themselves as “the bad guy,” or they’re frustrated their fun was ruined.
- An acceptable response would have been one that acknowledges your feelings and takes accountability for their actions, such as, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think about it. I’d never want you to feel bad about yourself.”
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White lies People may tell white lies—which they usually perceive to be innocuous—in order to protect someone else’s feelings, but in reality, honesty is almost always the best policy. (It’s a cliché because it’s true.) And often, while the liar may tell themselves they’re protecting the other person’s feelings, the reality is they’re usually just trying to avoid having to express an uncomfortable truth—especially if it implicates them in any way. [5] X Research source
- An example of a white lie might be telling someone, “Don’t worry, the movie wasn’t very good,” because you feel bad the other person hasn’t seen it.
- White liars may also tell lies to avoid being confronted. If you were supposed to see a movie with a friend but you saw it without them, you might say the movie sucked to downplay your betrayal.
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Refusing to admit they’ve misremembered something Memory is faulty across the board, but someone who engages in unintentional gaslighting might be reluctant to admit it when they’re wrong . While this stubbornness might be rooted in their own false pride and not in an attempt to manipulate and control you, the fact is that if you both remember something differently, and they’re never wrong, then you must be wrong. [6] X Research source
- This is a particularly insidious form of manipulation, since it involves your own perceptions of events that occurred. You might shrug it off the first couple times it happens, but over time, if someone consistently asserts that your memory is faulty, you might begin to believe it is.
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Section 4 of 5:
Responding to Unintentional Gaslighting
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Call out the person’s behavior. If the gaslighting is truly unintentional, then the person will stop—or at least want to discuss it—once they're confronted about it. Calling out gaslighting when you experience it can help the person doing it become more aware of their actions, which may help them curb their manipulative impulses.
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Ask follow-up questions to uncover the truth. Often, gaslighting falls apart when it’s questioned because it doesn’t follow rational logic or is rooted in a lie the person can’t sustain. The next time someone gaslights you, gently question what they’re telling you or their motives: if their intentions are sincere, they may really consider how their actions might have affected you and try to do better in the future.
- Ask questions that lead you to the truth or that poke holes in their story. A generally honest person will likely confess the more they’re pressed.
- For instance, if your partner claims they didn’t buy milk because the store didn’t have it, ask them follow-up questions to make sure they didn't just forget: “Did you look down the milk aisle?”
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Stick to your truth. No matter what the other person says, remember your version of reality—your opinions, ideas, feelings, and perceptions. This alone won’t keep the other person from gaslighting you, but it will allay the negative effects of their gaslighting.
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Be patient. Understand that gaslighting might be a habit, and it may take the person doing it a long time to get out of it. With time and lots of patience on your end, though, they may cease their manipulative behavior in time.
- It may help if you try to understand the motives for their gaslighting. Realize that usually, unintentional gaslighting is less about them wanting to gain control over you and more about their own momentary selfishness.
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Leave the situation when it becomes too overwhelming. Just because the gaslighting is unintentional doesn’t mean you need to endure it. You can alert them to their behavior when it happens and be compassionate when they accidentally slip into the habit, but ultimately, the choice to remain in their company is yours. If you feel it would be better for you to leave , it may be the right way to go.
- "Leaving the situation" may mean cutting off contact with the gaslighter, but it may also just mean exiting the interaction.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/toxic-positivity
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/09/narcissistic-projection
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/3-signs-you-might-be-gaslighting-people
- ↑ https://www.stepstorecovery.com/rehab-blog/how-to-stop-being-manipulative/
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