How to Answer “What Are You Looking For in a Relationship?”

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You’re swiping on a dating app, when one of your matches asks: “What are you looking for in a relationship?” Figuring out how to respond can help you determine if you and your date are compatible or not. In this article, we’ll tell you exactly how to let your date know what you’re looking for in a relationship. We’ll also explain how to figure out if you and your date are compatible, and we'll list some of the qualities you might want to look for in a partner.

Things You Should Know

  • Answer clearly, concisely, and honestly. Your response should reflect what is truly important to you.
  • Possible things to look for in a relationship include emotional maturity, mutual trust and respect, friendship, physical attraction, and clear communication.
  • Ask your date to share what they are looking for as well to determine if the two of you are compatible.
Section 1 of 3:

How do you answer “What are you looking for in a relationship?”

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    What are the top 3 qualities that you look for in a partner? Maybe they’re loyalty, honesty, and a sense of humor. Or, they could be someone who has a similar lifestyle as you. Try to imagine your perfect partner, then come up with 3 to 4 words to describe them. [1]
    • “I’d like to find someone I can laugh and have fun with.”
    • “I’m mainly looking for companionship and loyalty.”
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    Your date is looking for your honest answer to see if you two are compatible. Try to come up with qualities you really value in a partner, then tell your date about them. If you two don’t match up, it’s better to know now than figure it out later. [2]
    • “I’m looking for someone with similar hobbies and interests.”
    • Need more time to answer? Try a flirty, jokey response like, “Good question. You first!”
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    Your date is looking for an honest answer, but they probably don’t want a list of 20 things that you can’t live without. Instead of listing all your ideals in a partner, stick to the top 3 things that you absolutely can’t live without.
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Section 2 of 3:

Things to Look For in a Relationship

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    Finding a partner who is mature and can talk about their thoughts and feelings with you is very important. Different maturity levels can lead to a lot of frustration and confusion, so it’s a great quality to look for in a partner. Being mature gives a person the ability to be aware of and manage their own emotions rather than relying on others to do it for them. [3]
    • Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who would give you the silent treatment every time they were mad? Or, maybe they would yell and scream if they got angry. These are the signs of an emotionally immature person—they’re feeling their emotions, but they’re not trying to work through or regulate them at all.
    • A mature person will talk to you when they’re upset and be willing to work through problems with you.
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    The foundation of all healthy relationships is built on trust. Without it, you and your partner won’t be able to confide in each other. Look for someone who doesn’t make you feel insecure or like they’re lying to you. [4]
    • You can tell your partner is trustworthy if they tell the truth about little things. If you catch your partner lying about small things in the beginning, chances are, they’ll probably lie about bigger things down the line.
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    Even when you’re in a relationship, you can still have your own friends and hobbies. Spending time with your partner is great, but not if it’s the only thing that you do. Look for a partner who not only wants to make time for you, but makes time for themselves, too. [5]
    • Does your date have a lot of hobbies and friends of their own? Do they wait a couple of days before wanting to see you again? If so, that’s a good sign that they’re independent.
    • If your partner tries to stop you from seeing your friends or doing your hobbies, that’s controlling behavior and is a red flag.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Your partner should complement your life, not "complete" it. Being personally fulfilled and having a strong sense of self sets you up for a healthier partnership, so it's important to focus on your own personal growth within the context of a relationship.

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    Look for a partner who appreciates you for who you are. It’s totally fine if your partner doesn’t understand your hobbies completely or hates your favorite TV show, but they should always have respect for you (and vice versa). [6]
    • Respect means that your partner will really listen to you instead of dismissing you. They’ll also be proud of your accomplishments and encourage you to follow your dreams, even if they don’t quite understand them.
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    You and your partner should feel comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything . Relationships are going to have problems, and it’s important that you and your partner are able to talk through them calmly and clearly. Look for someone who is passionate about talking things through with you rather than shoving them under the rug. [7]
    • Does your date bring up things that make them uncomfortable? Do they tell you when they’re in a bad mood? If so, those are signs that they’re a great communicator.
    • Another great quality in a partner is someone who fights fairly. That means no yelling, name-calling, or cursing, even when they’re mad.
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    Your partner should only be your partner, but your friend, too! Find someone who you can hang out with and have a great time with no matter what you’re doing. This solid foundation of friendship will keep your relationship strong as the years go by. [8]
    • Take note of how often you and your date laugh together and just have fun. The more comfortable you feel around them, the better.
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    Find a partner who you’re attracted to physically, and make sure that you’re satisfied with your sex life. Physical attraction and sex looks different for everyone, so there’s no “right” answer—just make sure that you and your partner are both happy with the amount of sex and intimacy you’re having. [9]
    • In new relationships, it may take some adjustment before you’re 100% satisfied with your sex life, and that’s okay! Give each other some time to figure out what works and what doesn’t.
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Section 3 of 3:

How do you find out if you and your date are compatible?

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    Since they asked you first, it’s totally fine to throw the question back at them. Once you’ve listed your ideal partner, ask them what they’re looking for in a relationship. Hopefully, your values will line up, and you’ll know whether or not you two are compatible. [10]
    • There are lots of little things you might differ on, like how late you like to stay up or when you like to eat dinner, that aren’t big problems.
    • However, large issues, like whether or not you want to have kids, have the potential to stop a relationship before it starts.


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      References

      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-be-ok-with-being-single/
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-qualities-to-look-for-in-a-life-partner
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/What_Should_I_Look_For_In_A_Partner.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-basics-what-should-i-look-for/
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-qualities-to-look-for-in-a-life-partner
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201404/love-without-friendship-doesnt-last-forever
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/202107/how-couples-know-theyre-compatible

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