What Men Need in a Relationship, According to Experts

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Learn the non-negotiables men expect in their romantic relationships
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If you're curious about what men really need to be happy in a romantic relationship, you've come to the right place. The truth is, everybody needs pretty much the same things to have a healthy romantic relationship. But the way men are socialized means they tend to lean on romantic relationships a lot to fulfill their emotional needs. [1] We talked to dating and relationship experts to find out what men really need in a relationship, and what you can do to fulfill those needs for your special guy.

What Guys Need in a Relationship: Quick Overview

In a romantic relationship, men need to be valued and respected by their partner. They need to know they can trust and rely on their partner to listen to them, show up for them, and show them affection.

1

Respect

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  1. He wants to know that you value him and that you are interested in knowing his thoughts and feelings on things. You show him that you respect him when you: [2]
    • Establish boundaries with each other and honor his boundaries when he asserts them.
    • Listen actively and give him your undivided attention. For relationship coach Zachary Pontrello, this means that you "remove the devices from your room, take your partner's hand, look them in the eye…[and] listen." [3]
    • For example, if he's telling you about an argument he's having with a friend, you might say, "I understand you feel like he didn't take your opinion into consideration, that must be so frustrating! You have every right to be upset."
    • Show up for him. Anytime he's got something important going on, he wants to see you there cheering him on.
    • Step up and defend him when necessary, especially if you hear anyone saying anything false about him.
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2

Trust

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  1. Trust is built over time. When he sees that you consistently do what you say you're going to do, he will start to trust you more and more. Here are some ways to demonstrate your trustworthiness: [4]
    • Keep your promises to him (and to others).
    • Be open with him about your thoughts and feelings.
    • Act reliably and consistently.
    • When you make a mistake, apologize and take responsibility for what you've done or any harm you've caused.
3

Affection

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  1. This can become a very serious need for men in relationships, as sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin emphasizes: "We just don't get enough nurturing touch. And in our culture, especially with heterosexual men, all the touch they receive is sexual or punitive." [5] Here are ways to give him the affection he needs (both physical and emotional):
    • Be naked together. Devlin notes that "just being naked together in general, taking a bath together, taking a shower together, giving each other massages," are all ways to show physical affection. [6]
    • Talk to him about the kinds of affection he likes and then surprise him with spontaneous acts of affection. For example, you might walk up and give him a hug from behind as he's washing dishes or squeeze his arm as you pass him in the hall.
    • Compliment him at least once a day. Focus on something you like about him as a person, not something he's done for you. Men are taught that their value is in their ability to do stuff, but deep down they just want to be loved for who they are. [7]
    • Send him a sweet text message or cute love note . For example, you might leave a note in the cabinet in the bathroom so that he sees it while he's getting ready for work in the morning.
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4

Communication

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  1. Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. He can't know how you feel or what you're thinking unless you tell him, and when you share your feelings , you show him that you're comfortable being vulnerable with him. [8]
    • Trust him to communicate clearly. You may have bought into the pop psychology message that men have some weird way of communicating, but the truth is that all humans communicate pretty much the same way. [9]
    • Resolve conflicts as a team. Look at disagreements as problems for you to tackle together, rather than pitting the two of you against each other.
5

Support

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  1. Women are socialized to share their thoughts and feelings, but men typically aren't. For this reason, men typically don't feel comfortable seeking emotional support except in romantic relationships. Here are some ways to show him support: [10]
    • Validate his feelings . For example, if he's frustrated about something that happened at work, you might say, "That must have been so frustrating for you! I'm sorry you had to deal with that—anybody would've reacted the way you did."
    • Empathize with his perspective.
    • Encourage him to pursue his goals and chase after his dreams.
    • Contribute your fair share to your life together so that he doesn't feel like he's doing everything on his own.
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6

Appreciation

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  1. If you really want to make him feel special, Pontrello recommends that you "think about something [he] has done for you recently. [Let] him know that you really appreciate him doing that, and that he's special, and that you see him." [11] Here are some other ways to show your appreciation:
    • Thank him for the things that he does for you throughout the day, no matter how small (think taking out the trash or getting the mail).
    • Express gratitude for something that you really like about his personality or his demeanor.
    • Do little things for him to make his life easier. For example, you might wash his car for him if you know he's going to meet an important client tomorrow and wants to make a good impression.
    • Ask him to do things for you. Licensed therapist Charity Danker emphasizes that "men very much need to feel needed, they want to feel useful, they want to feel like they are able to contribute to [your] well-being and self-esteem." [12] Asking him for help is a way for him to feel needed and useful.
7

Independence

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  1. Danker emphasizes that if you're in a relationship with a man, you need to find "a balance between… wanting to have that shared partnership with him, but also allowing him to be free… you know, the guy still wants to hang out with his guys." [13] This also helps take pressure off—it's not fair for either of you to expect one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. [14] Here are some things you can do to promote independence:
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8

Fun

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  1. You know that they say about all work and no play—the same applies to a relationship! You can't be all serious all the time. Besides, keeping up a sense of humor about things can lighten the load and make life more enjoyable. [19] Here are some other ways to bring fun into your life:
    • Share a meme or viral video with him that you think is funny.
    • Play games together.
    • Act goofy around each other. Anything spontaneous and playful fits the vibe here—just think about recapturing what it feels like to be a child in the world.
9

Security

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  1. Guys can find it difficult to talk about their feelings because they're often taught that feelings aren't important and don't provide useful information. When you demonstrate that how he feels is important to you, he'll feel more comfortable talking about it. Here are some other ways you can help him feel more secure: [20]
    • Ask him how something made him feel. For example, you might say, "That sounds tough. I would've felt so frustrated. How did you feel?"
    • Encourage him to explore his feelings on his own if he's not sure how he feels about something.
    • Reassure him that his feelings are valid and important. For example, you might say, "It's totally understandable you would be upset at them over this. They truly stepped out of line."
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10

Partnership

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  1. When he's in a relationship, he wants to know that his partner has his back no matter what. He wants to feel as though he's never facing anything alone because you're always right there by his side. [21] Here are some other ways to show that you're in this together:
    • Work together to maximize your individual strengths. Pick up the slack for each other when you need to.
    • Encourage his self-improvement goals. Men need partners who want them to be the best they can be.
11

Forgiveness

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  1. He loves you and doesn't set out to frustrate you or anger you intentionally. When he does, it's typically an accident—just let him know what happened and how to fix it in the future. [22] Here are other ways you can show forgiveness:
    • Use "I" language to put the focus on your feelings. For example, if you're upset that he didn't do the dishes, you might say, "I feel upset when I wake up and see dirty dishes in the sink. Could you make sure you wash any dishes you dirty after I go to bed?"
    • Expect change to be non-linear and understand when he slips up. Let him know that you see his effort.
    • Have patience and recognize that he's not intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.
    • Remain open and curious about him so that you can grow and change together.
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12

Time

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  1. Pontrello recommends that you "spend a little bit of time every day together, practicing engaged conversation. You're completely focused on each other, you're focused on just listening and being with each other [and] being present." [23] Other ways to spend quality time together include:
    • Schedule regular date nights at least once a week—even if you just stay at home.
    • Ask him about his day and really listen to the answer. Follow up on anything he mentions that's coming up later.
    • Put down your phone when he's talking to you and show him that he has your undivided attention.
13

Loyalty

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  1. If he knows you're loyal, he knows he doesn't have to worry about you spreading rumors about him or undermining him. He knows that you'll always stand up for him and that you're always there to help if he needs it. Here are some other things you can do to demonstrate your loyalty: [24]
    • Keep his secrets and silence damaging gossip when you hear it.
    • Talk him up when he's not around—let everyone know you're his biggest fan.
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14

Intimacy

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  1. Danker notes that men "are wanting to be in relationships… that give them permission to be sexually free and open to exploration." [25] As you grow and change, it's natural that your sexual needs and interests will change as well. Devlin recommends "practicing just sharing in general without any stress or any pressure to make something happen." [26]
    • Make time for physical intimacy . This doesn't just mean sex! Devlin notes, "I'm a big fan of naked cuddle, getting in bed, putting on some music, lighting some candles, and just snuggling up to each other." [27]
    • Ask him how he likes to be touched and be open to exploration with him.
    • Share fantasies with each other on a regular basis. Devlin emphasizes that "there's a big difference between desire and fantasy. Fantasy is something that feels really good to think about and desire is something that we actually want to do." [28] Focusing on the fantasy aspect can take some of the pressure off.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/closer-encounters/202501/men-need-romantic-relationships-more-than-women
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-at-the-broken-places/201701/25-ways-you-can-show-respect-to-your-partner
      3. ↑ Zach Pontrello. Embodied Leadership & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/building-trust-in-relationships-guide-to-lasting-connection
      5. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201410/what-do-men-need-from-women-5-insights
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201410/what-do-men-need-from-women-5-insights
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/closer-encounters/202501/men-need-romantic-relationships-more-than-women
      2. ↑ Zach Pontrello. Embodied Leadership & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Charity Danker, LPC. Licensed Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Charity Danker, LPC. Licensed Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      6. ↑ Charity Danker, LPC. Licensed Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202502/3-ways-your-relationship-can-benefit-from-parallel-play
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201410/what-do-men-need-from-women-5-insights
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/202211/what-healthy-partnership-looks
      13. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      14. ↑ Zach Pontrello. Embodied Leadership & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-at-the-broken-places/201701/25-ways-you-can-show-respect-to-your-partner
      16. ↑ Charity Danker, LPC. Licensed Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. Expert Interview
      17. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview
      18. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview
      19. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview

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