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Transform feelings of failure into feelings of strength
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Whenever you’re not able to meet others’ expectations or reach the goals you set for yourself, it can be easy to tell yourself that you’ve failed. But the truth is, everyone makes mistakes, and failure is ultimately what helps us to learn and grow. If you’ve recently been feeling down on yourself, read on to learn what may be causing these feelings of failure and what you can do to overcome them.
Things You Should Know
- Feeling like a failure could be connected to unrealistic expectations you have for yourself, recent rejections you've suffered, or a tendency to compare yourself to others.
- To overcome feelings of failure, practice plenty of self-love and self-compassion by viewing mistakes as learning opportunities and speaking to yourself with kindness.
- Failure is an incredibly individualistic experience—it can feel different for every person, but that doesn't make your own feelings any less real.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Reasons You May Feel Like a Failure
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Your expectations for yourself are unrealistic. Many people define failure as not being able to reach the goals they set for themselves. So when you set expectations and goals that are beyond your capabilities or unrealistic given your situation, it can be a lot easier to be hard on yourself and tell yourself you’re a failure. [1] X Research source
- For example, convincing yourself that you need to make everyone like you might be more on the unrealistic side since it’s natural for some people not to get along with others.
- Remember: It’s good to have expectations for yourself, but pushing yourself past your limits can be unhealthy. Everyone has their limitations, and you’re not a failure just because you can’t pull off something that might be hard for anyone else to do as well.
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You have perfectionist tendencies. You might feel like everything needs to be flawless and mistake-free before you can allow yourself to breathe. Unfortunately, such an attitude can cause you to overly fixate on your “failures,” and it can be easy to spiral into self-doubt and self-directed criticism. [2] X Research source
- You might get really stressed out or anxious if things don’t go the way you expected, and you might spend a lot of time preparing for every different scenario to make sure things go well.
- Remember: Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what makes us human. Just because you didn’t do something perfectly right away or achieve the results you’d been hoping for doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It just means you get another opportunity to try again.
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You’re comparing yourself to others. It’s human nature to compare yourself to friends, family members, and other acquaintances in your life. However, when you see someone else succeed or achieve something, it can be easy to let their accomplishments overshadow your own and begin to view your life as a failure. [3] X Research source
- Social media certainly doesn’t help. People tend to only highlight the very best parts of their life on social media sites, and these kinds of posts can just fuel those feelings of failure and guilt you may be harboring.
- Remember: Everyone moves at their own pace and views success in different ways. Just because someone else achieved something good doesn’t mean that your own successes aren’t just as worthy or valuable.
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You’re dealing with rejection. Having a romantic partner break up with you, getting turned down for a job you really wanted, or getting rejected from your dream school can hurt like nothing else. Having to deal with rejection after getting your hopes up and putting so much effort into achieving your goals can really cause your confidence to take a hit and plant thoughts saying that you’re a failure in your head. [4] X Research source
- For example, if you put a lot of effort into writing the perfect resume and cover letter for a job you really wanted but didn’t even get an interview offer, it can be easy to tell yourself that you’ve failed.
- Remember: Rejection is a part of life. Not everything can go exactly as we planned, but that doesn’t automatically mean you’ve failed. It just means it might be time to move on and put your energy toward something else.
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You have imposter syndrome. When you have imposter syndrome, you often feel like you don’t deserve the successes you’ve achieved, and you constantly feel like you’re underqualified to do something or incompetent. Such a mindset can cause you to perceive even small mistakes as massive failures, while you might consider your successes to simply be good luck. [5] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- For example, you might feel imposter syndrome when starting a new job. To you, it might just seem like you’re faking it until you make it and that any little mistake you make will get you fired.
- Many first-time parents also deal with imposter syndrome as they become exposed to the reality of parenthood. Whenever they make a mistake, it might feel like they’ve failed in their role as a parent.
- Remember: Even if it seems like everyone else knows exactly what they’re doing, they’re also constantly learning, making mistakes, and growing. There’s no need to put so much pressure on yourself. Even if you stumble, that doesn’t make you a failure; it just makes you human.
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You faced high expectations during your childhood. For some people, their feelings of failure stem from a childhood that involved highly critical caregivers. If the caregivers or other adult figures in your life during your childhood always had high expectations for you or placed blame on you when things went wrong, you might have been dealing with these feelings of failure for some time now. [6] X Research source
- For example, your parents might have had very specific expectations when it came to where you’d go to school, what kind of job you’d have, and the type of person you’d get married to. If you weren’t able to meet those standards, you might have been left with feelings of guilt and failure.
- Remember: You’re not a failure just because you didn’t meet someone else’s expectations. When it comes down to it, you know yourself best, and the only standards you should hold yourself to are the ones you’ve set for yourself.
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Other people in your life are overly critical of your actions. It can be somewhat easy to start feeling like a failure when people around you constantly point out every little mistake you make. It might feel like nothing you do will ever be enough, which can lead to low self-esteem. [7] X Research source
- Or, it might be that the people around you habitually voice their complaints and self-deprecating thoughts which can cause you to adopt a similar mindset.
- Remember: The only opinion that matters is your own. People can say what they want, but just because they have their own standards doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
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You’re dealing with low self-esteem. When you lack confidence about who you are and what you’re capable of, it can be hard to fully recognize your achievements and only fixate on your failures. It’s hard to be satisfied with yourself when you’re dealing with low self-esteem. You might also be afraid of making mistakes and letting others down. Other signs of low self-esteem include: [8] X Research source
- Being extremely critical of yourself
- Saying that you’re inferior to others around you
- Using negative language to describe yourself
- Not believing another person when they compliment you
- Remember: You have the power to change your perception of yourself and raise your self-esteem. So long as you acknowledge these negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to turn them around, these feelings of failure won’t last forever.
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You may have a more serious mental health issue. Unfortunately, mental health issues like depression can also fuel these negative thoughts. If these feelings of failure are also accompanied by feelings of hopelessness or sadness, or you find you’re lacking the energy to do things you once loved, talk to a licensed psychologist or medical professional to get support. Other signs of depression include: [9] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Anger, irritability, and frustration over minor things
- Anxiety or restlessness
- Trouble thinking or remembering things
- Sleep disturbances like insomnia or sleeping too much
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Remember: Talking to a therapist or your doctor can help you address mental health issues like depression and take steps toward healing. You’re not alone in this, and there are plenty of people who will support you.
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Section 2 of 3:
How to Cope with Feeling Like a Failure
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Challenge your negative thoughts about yourself. Whenever you start thinking negative things about yourself, pause and reflect on that thought. Ask yourself if there’s a specific reason you’re having that thought and if there’s any evidence to back it up. You’ll often find that your negative thoughts are completely false. [10] X Research source
- For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I’m a failure,” ask yourself why you’re suddenly having such a thought. Did something happen to make you feel like a failure? Did you actually fail or just make a small mistake?
- It can help to keep a journal and write down your negative thoughts when they occur. You’ll be able to read through them again and detect any patterns in your thinking.
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Practice mindfulness to detach yourself from negative thoughts. One thing that can help you overcome feelings of failure is to take a step back from your thoughts and view them in a more objective manner. Practicing mindfulness allows you to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings then let them go so that they can’t affect you. [11] X Research source
- One way to practice mindfulness is to do meditation . This allows you to focus solely on yourself and the present moment and fully engage with the thoughts you’re having.
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Reframe failure as a learning opportunity. Learning from your mistakes is ultimately how you grow and develop new skills. Instead of simply berating yourself for doing something wrong, accept that you made a mistake and think about what you can learn from that experience. Is there a better choice you could have made? Could you have asked someone for help? Explore different options to see how you can improve in the future.
- For example, if you messed up on a task at work, ask for feedback from your supervisor or boss to learn what you can improve on for next time.
- Be sure to also point out the things you did well. It’s highly unlikely that you didn’t do a single thing right, so remember your strengths and continue to use them to your advantage in the future.
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Treat yourself with kindness. Show yourself compassion and be understanding toward yourself when you make mistakes or feel like you’ve failed. One way to do this is to think about how you would talk to a close friend or family member in your situation. Would you reprimand them? Or would you be supportive and encouraging toward them?
- Be forgiving toward yourself when you make a mistake. You’re only human, and everyone makes mistakes from time to time.
- Use positive affirmations to raise your confidence. Say things like, “I’m capable,” “I’m strong,” and “I’m a good person.”
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Write down your strengths and accomplishments. Even though it may not feel like it at the moment, there are certainly many things that you’re good at. Identify your strengths and write them down to remind yourself just how capable you are. If you’re having trouble, ask friends and family what they think you’re good at. You might write down things like;
- Cooking
- Singing
- Managing your time
- Solving puzzles
- Being a good listener
- Giving advice to friends
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Do self-comparison instead of comparing yourself to others. Instead of holding yourself to other people’s standards, compare your past and present self to see just how much you’ve achieved. For example, think about how you were when you first started your job and how much you’ve learned since then. You’ll likely find that you’re anything but a failure.
- Another way to avoid comparing yourself to others is to take a break from social media and avoid becoming too fixated on the “perfect” lives people broadcast on their social media pages.
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Practice gratitude to build a positive mindset . When negative thoughts and feelings start creeping in, take a moment to remind yourself of all of the good things in your life. Some things to be thankful for include family, friends, pets, a roof over your head, and your job. When you choose to focus on the positives, things might not seem as daunting as you originally thought.
- Start a gratitude journal and write down 3 to 5 things you’re grateful for every day to keep the positivity going.
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Create new goals to motivate yourself. Setting goals gives you something to work toward, and achieving them can quickly replace those feelings of failure with the satisfaction of success. Just make sure that your goals are realistic given your personal situation and aspirations. Think about what you truly want to achieve and make actionable steps that’ll bring you closer to your goal.
- One idea is to set SMART goals that ensure your visions stay specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. For example, if your goal is to write and publish a short story, your goal might look like:
- Specific: I’m going to write a short story and have it published.
- Measurable: I’ll write around 500 words a day for the next month.
- Attainable: I have a lot of spare time before and after work to dedicate to writing.
- Relevant: I enjoy writing and already have an outline for a story.
- Time-bound: My first draft will be done by the beginning of next month.
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Take risks and try new things . Sometimes, the key to overcoming feelings of failure is to just start moving and put yourself out there. You never know when you’ll find something you’re really good at or learn something interesting. Instead of allowing a fear of failure to hold you back, have confidence in yourself and try something new. [12] X Research source
- For example, find a new hobby , take a class to learn a new skill, or make an effort to meet new people at work, school, or in your community.
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Make time to do things you truly enjoy. You might find that you feel most confident when you’re in your element doing the things you love. Set aside time to pursue your personal hobbies and interests and create a safe space for yourself. Also, be sure to set aside time to do relaxing things and take care of your physical and mental health. [13] X Research source
- For your physical health, make sure you’re eating healthy , getting enough sleep each night, and exercising to fight off stress and stay in shape.
- Do calming activities to care for you mental health, such as reading a book, listening to music, or spending time in nature.
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Surround yourself with supportive people. When you’re feeling down, close friends, family, or a partner can do wonders in raising your spirits and motivating you to keep moving forward. Make an effort to nurture relationships with positive, supportive people who you know will be there for you even during tough times. [14] X Research source
- Having fun with friends and spending time with family can also be great for your mental and emotional health.
- Don’t be afraid to confide in people you trust about any worries you have. Chances are they’ll be more than willing to listen and help you in any way you need.
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Speak with a therapist if you need more support. If you’re finding it difficult to deal with these feelings of failure all on your own, you might find it helpful to talk to a therapist . A licensed therapist can give you a safe space to work through your thoughts and feelings as well as give you exercises to combat negative thoughts. [15] X Research source
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QuestionHow can I stop shouting and scolding my children especially in the morning when time is running up and the school bus is downstairs?Mb_5f3484350d62Community AnswerI understand the pressure of getting everything done in the morning before the school bus arrives. To prevent shouting, try to plan ahead as much as possible. Lay out clothes the night before, prepare lunches, and have a routine for the morning that everyone follows. This will help reduce stress and make mornings run smoother. If you still feel stressed, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that everyone is doing their best. Shouting won't help anyone and will only create a negative atmosphere.
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QuestionHow do I deal with a miscommunication?Mb_5f3484350d62Community AnswerWhen dealing with a miscommunication, it's essential to approach the situation with patience and understanding. Try to see things from the other person's perspective and acknowledge that misunderstandings can happen. Communicate openly about your feelings and try to resolve the issue together. If needed, seek outside help, such as a mediator or counselor, to facilitate the conversation and ensure both parties are heard and understood.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP .
References
- ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/i-hate-myself/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
- ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/i-hate-myself/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-change/201611/what-do-when-you-feel-failure
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-your-mind-keeps-telling-you-youre-a-failure
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