Effective Expert-Backed Ways to Get Your Ex Back

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Proven strategies to warm your ex's heart and reignite your dynamic
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Still in love with your ex? There's no shame in that! While they may currently seem like the one that got away, there are tons of ways to get them back. In this article, we'll give you an effective game plan for salvaging your relationship and share a treasure trove of expert-backed tips from dating and relationship coaches, as well as psychologists, to help your old flame see you for the gem you are. So, get ready to put your best self on display and give your connection another go!

How do you get your ex to like you again?

Certified dating coach Alison Wellington recommends taking time to reflect. Improve yourself, evaluate whether the relationship was healthy, and make a list of pros and cons about getting back together. Reach out to your ex, explain the changes you can make moving forward, and respect whatever choice they make.

Section 1 of 3:

Reflecting On Dynamic with Your Ex

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  1. Keep your distance and allow some time for things to settle. Take this opportunity to process the breakup, reflect on your emotions, and prepare to move on. Who knows—after this period, you might decide that you don’t actually want your ex back. What’s most important is that you empower yourself and heal from the breakup. Wellington advises to “sever all ties with this person,” at least temporarily, recommending that you also “unfollow them, block them, or mute them on social media.” [1] [2]
    • Dating and relationship coach Suzanna Mathews says to “wait… even if your instinct is to reach back out after a couple of days or a couple of weeks.” She explains that the body is in an “emotionally activated state” following a breakup and you don’t want to make choices from that headspace. [3]
    • When you go no contact , you’ll also create a sense of intrigue and mystique. Your ex might wonder what you’re up to and start to pine for you.
    • Avoid texting your ex or responding to their texts until you’ve had enough time to process the breakup. It may be hard to resist, but it’s for the best—you’re better off talking to your ex when you’re in a good headspace.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Alison Wellington is a certified dating and relationship coach who has helped over 300 women enter happy, healthy relationships.

    Sixu Chen is a career and relationship coach, specializing in guiding young professionals and multi-talented individuals through transformative self-discovery journeys.

    Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience helping individuals change their patterns in love and relationships.

    Suzanna Mathews is a dating and relationship coach with over a decade of experience helping her clients elevate dating and deepen connections.

    Nicole Moore is a love and relationship coach and with over a decade of experience helping people build strong relationships.

  2. Even if you’re 100% sure that you want to get back together with your ex, it’s important to put yourself first. Let loose and put your ex on the back burner for a bit—it’ll be worth it in the end. After all, it’s incredibly alluring to be confident and empowered. Use the extra to improve yourself . Wellington encourages that you “begin to pour into [you],” adding that it might look like, “I'm going to finish this degree. I'm going to get my credit together. I'm going to clear my skin up.” [4] She explains that it can be anything “that you've been putting off that can help you to level up in life.” Wellington says, not only is it “a great distraction,” but, “when you're ready to date again, now you've leveled up. So, you have a right to demand more of the next person that you're dating.” Sounds like a win win! [5] Some ways you might prioritize yourself include:
    • Taking up a new hobby.
    • Improving your health with a new exercise and diet regimen.
    • Starting a journal to record your thoughts and feelings.
    • Spending more time with your friends. [6]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 356 wikiHow readers what change they would want to make before trying to date their ex again, and 62% agreed that they want to focus on maturing as a person . [Take Poll] The best way to return to the relationship is as a healthier, happier version of you who's grown during the time apart.
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  3. While the relationship might’ve been great, sometimes it’s better to leave an old dynamic in the past or let go of a former partner. Before you start trying to get your ex back, consider your motivations. Some honest self-reflection can help you avoid reigniting a relationship that’s toxic or that doesn’t serve your best interests. Life, career, and relationship coach Sixu Chen says, “If something didn't work out before and you broke up, but your feelings are still there, embrace that feeling and then see if there is any potential to get back together.” She adds, “Don't judge yourself for that feeling.” [7] [8]
    • Good reasons for getting back together:
      • Your timing was off the first time you were together.
      • You needed more time to get over a previous relationship.
      • You have developed a new appreciation for your ex.
    • Bad reasons for getting back together:
      • You’re scared of being alone. (Of course, it’s natural to be lonely after an old relationship goes south, but that doesn’t mean you should plunge back into that relationship.)
      • You miss what’s familiar to you. (Again, this is a completely normal feeling, but that doesn’t mean you should get back together.)
      • You’re jealous of their new relationship. (This is a totally understandable experience, but it’s not exactly a healthy reason to start afresh with an ex.)
    • Enlist a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to consider why you want to get back with your ex. They can help you tease out some less-than-stellar reasons and might even help you move on.
  4. Did being together bring out the best or the worst in each of you? Were you both encouraging to one another and positive forces in each other’s lives? If you broke up because the relationship was negative for one or both of you, you may want to hold off on getting back together. [9]
    • For example, if you two fought all the time or did not actually enjoy spending time together, then it’s probably best for you and your ex to part ways.
    • Some couples are so focused on getting back together that they don't acknowledge the issues and problems that prevented them from having a functional relationship.
    • Try to give your past relationship a sober and realistic assessment. It’s okay to recognize that it wasn’t healthy and to cut your losses.
    • Licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, PsyD says that you can definitely fall in love with the same person twice, citing “many reasons” why people break up: “Sometimes [it’s] because they’re not ready for the type of commitment that was required of them; sometimes they need to grow personally.” [10]
  5. If you have a lot of mixed feelings about getting back together with your ex, take a moment to sort out the negative and positive aspects of your dynamic. Take out a pen and paper or a word doc and make a list with two categories: pros and cons. Be honest with yourself as you make this list and don’t omit anything just because it seems small or insignificant. List everything you can to get a good picture of how you and your ex function together: [11]
    • Pros:
      • They use my love language, praise and words of affirmation.
      • They are very warm and affectionate.
      • They're kind to my friends and family.
      • They're creative and interesting.
    • Cons:
      • Sometimes they're flaky.
      • They aren't that great with logistics.
      • They don't notice when I'm having a hard time.
      • They aren't that motivated or driven.
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Section 2 of 3:

Reconnecting with Your Ex

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  1. Before you launch into a quest to get your ex back , check to see what their relationship status is. After all, if it’s been a while since the two of you broke up, your ex might’ve moved on and started seeing someone else. If that’s the case, it’s better to avoid any drama and start pursuing other people instead. [12]
    • Steer clear of reuniting with your ex if they’re seeing someone else. Focus on your own hobbies and interests, see other people, and be patient.
  2. Start off slow—all you need to do is send a super chill text, which is a lot more low-key and low-pressure than a phone call or a long email. Feel free to be friendly since a positive tone is always endearing. Throw in an emoji or two to lighten things up. “Your text just needs to be something like, ‘Hey, I saw that popsicle stand we walked by last summer and thought of you, hope you're doing well,’” Mathews remarks. “And then see if they respond. And if they do respond, your door has just cracked open, so, go ahead and open it all the way and say, ‘Yeah, I would love to just catch up.’” [13] [14]
    • Keep the message light and casual. Don’t say anything intense like, “I can’t live without you.” Tell your ex about something funny that happened to you or something interesting that reminded you of your ex.
    • For example, you might say, “I dominated at Scrabble the other night! 😝 Probably because you weren’t there to upstage me!” or “Hey, stranger. 😉 There’s a new drive-in theater in town. It reminded me of my favorite movie buff.”
    • Make sure that you’re sober when you reconnect with your ex. Drunk texts or calls are a recipe for disaster.
  3. As you continue to communicate with your ex, hold off on telling them that you want to get back together. Remember—right now, you’re just testing the waters. You’ll have a better chance with your ex because you’ll seem calm and like you’re in a good place. Your easygoing attitude will be incredibly attractive. [15]
    • If you happen to bump into your ex, the same rules apply: be laidback. Engage in some small talk, and avoid any chats about reigniting your relationship. Your ex will probably be impressed by how well you’re doing after the breakup.
  4. Get together during the day, which is less serious and intimate than a nighttime meeting—you don’t want to give off the impression that you want to be romantic just yet. Break the ice, catch up, and build rapport. During this time, you can decide if you’d like to keep pursuing your ex. [16]
    • Make sure you look fantastic: wear your best outfit , put on a signature scent, and style your hair. It’s totally fine to look your best when you reunite. When your ex sees you, you might fire up a strong attraction right away.
    • Kick things off with a conversational starter. For example, ease into things with a simple, “Thanks for coming to see me! How’ve you been lately?”
  5. Getting really nostalgic about the good times you shared together is an excellent way to rekindle an old flame. Steer clear of any discussions about what went wrong, and instead dive into what felt right. Whether it was a camping trip or all the times you cooked together, talking about any warm and romantic moments are a great way to make your ex miss your relationship. [17]
    • Later, you can have a really practical conversation about ways you’d need to improve on your relationship. Right now, just reminisce about positive experiences.
  6. Consider what attracted them to you in the first place and play those assets up. For example, was your ex nuts about your sense of humor and all the ways you made them laugh? Were you really witty and analytical? Whatever the case is, showcase parts of yourself that they adored and they’ll be smitten all over again. [18]
  7. Although it might be hard, it’s important to wait things out. Bear in mind that your dynamic is different right now and that things won’t be like a committed relationship right away. Even if your ex doesn’t respond to your texts right away or doesn’t always want to hang out, stay optimistic. Any contact with your ex is a good sign that things can develop. [19]
  8. Is your ex warm, friendly, and excited to hear from you? Do they make an effort to reach out, and are you both equally invested in spending time with one another? If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then it’s safe to assume that you have a shot with your ex. [20]
    • Dating coach Lisa Shield says that paying attention to body language can also clue you in on their feelings. [21] For example, if they blush around you or give you PDA, like lots of hugs or light touches, they're probably flirting with you. [22]
    • Just make sure not to set your expectations too high. Right now, your ex might just want to be friends. Wait for them to speak up about what kind of dynamic they want.
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Section 3 of 3:

Talking About Getting Back Together

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  1. At some point, in order to move past just a friendship, you’ll have to confess how you feel. Starting this conversation might be a little awkward, but it’ll be worth it so you can put everything out in the open. If your ex doesn’t bring up the possibility of getting back together, do it yourself. Be sensitive and warm, and indicate a willingness to work on things—your authenticity may really win them over. [23]
    • Try saying something like, “Since we have had some time apart, I’ve really grown and I think that I’d like to give our relationship another chance. Does that interest you at all?
  2. Inevitably, you and your ex will need to address the reasons why you broke up. Since your ex may be skeptical of your growth or willingness to change, you may need to reassure them. Make sure to share how you’ve improved upon yourself and taken action to fix anything that was a problem, like a failure to communicate. Your honesty and openness will help your ex realize that the relationship won’t hit the same snags the second time around. [24]
    • Remember, only reach out if you can pinpoint what went wrong in your relationship and what can change in your new one. Mathews says, “You need to be making making decisions from a space of, ‘Hey, I've taken some time to really reflect. And I've been able to evaluate my contributions to what worked and what didn't work. And I've been doing some growth and some reflection.” [25]
    • Use "I" language so that you focus on what you were responsible for in the relationship: "I know that I was very spotty with communication and left you in the dark on several occasions. I was not as present and available as I should have been."
    • Be solution-oriented so your ex feels optimistic: "I will make sure to touch base every day and be an active listener. You deserve someone who's open to talk to you about what you're struggling with. I want to be that person for you."
  3. If you’ve told your ex that you’ll alter your behavior in some way, keep true to your promises. Your follow-through and dedication to positive habits, like giving your ex more praise or attention, will make a good impression on your ex. Make sure you and your partner are clear on what you both need to work on. For you both to stand the test of time, you’ll have to be a team. [26]
    • Love and relationship coach Nicole Moore shares, “If you come to your former partner showing them that you’re taking responsibility for your side of the street and that you have implemented changes or have a plan to, they are much more likely to consider getting back with you.” [27]
    • Other topics you both may wish to discuss are how to improve your communication, how to listen better, or how to establish better boundaries.
  4. In some cases, reconciliation just isn’t possible. If your ex isn’t willing to give your relationship another try, respect them for being honest with you. Don’t pressure them to get back together: simply thank them for stating their truth. Chances are, their decision is for the best, and it’s a great time for you to move on and see what else is out there. [28]
    • If your ex establishes boundaries, then respond respectfully. For example, say, "Thank you for telling me where you're at. I wish you the best."
    • Work on moving on from your relationship so that you can end an attachment to an ex who no longer wishes to stay in touch.
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Join the Discussion...

How can I get my ex back?
Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
When trying to get back with someone you really love, it’s important to first understand why the breakup happened in the first place and what you’re going to do differently this time around. If you come to your former partner showing them that you’re taking responsibility for your side of the street and that you have implemented changes or have a plan to, they are much more likely to consider getting back with you.

Next, it’s important to remember what brought you and your ex together in the first place and to try and replicate that. Remembering why you clicked and loved each other in the beginning can go a long way toward getting back together again. Was there a favorite restaurant that the two of you used to go to that you can bring your ex to again or send them dinner from that restaurant as a surprise at their door? Did the two of you bond over a mutual love for certain musical artists, books, or art? Consider sending your ex a card with the lyrics to your song in it, a book from their favorite author, or something that reminds you both about the time you spent in the beginning of your relationship connecting over mutual interests.

Finally, communicate with your former partner openly and honestly about why you want to get back together. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and share your true feelings. You don’t need to beg or plead with them to take you back but rather you want to paint a picture for them of your vision for the relationship moving forward.
Nemesis0410
Nemesis0410
This kinda depends on the relationship you had. If it was toxic, I wouldn't recommend getting back together. Also take into consideration that perhaps your ex might not want to get back with you. I would give it time, and try to work things out and make sure you're both on the same page and improve the relationship.
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  • Question
    What do I do if he broke up with me and never told me why?
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    Expert Answer
    Go no-contact for 30 days so both of you can reflect on the relationship. Right now, he may not even be sure why he broke up with you and may need more time evaluating his motivations. If you're willing to be patient, you're more likely to get a high-quality response from him. To open the window of opportunity for a heart-to-heart, reach out and build a friendship. After you're on speaking terms, ask him if he'd be willing to discuss why he broke up with you. Be willing to actively listen and respond with empathy.
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  • Question
    What do I do if he lost feelings and is now ignoring me? I want him back, but I don't know how to attract him again, and I don't know what to say to him after I go no contact. Another issue is that I run into him every day.
    wikiHow
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    The fact that you run into him every day may be a blessing in disguise, friend. It's great that you're willing to go "no contact," because that really helps you project independence and strength: you're basically telling him that you don't need him, which creates a sense of intrigue and mystery. Right now, work on yourself: throw yourself into your favorite activities, catch up with friends, and dress well. When you're having the time of your life, he'll definitely notice this and may finally work up the nerve to approach you.
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  • Question
    My boyfriend broke up with me after dating for a few years. Our love life was so sweet because he was very loving and caring. I never thought we would break up, so I gave him all my heart. How can I recover from this?
    wikiHow
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    It's totally understandable to mourn a dynamic that was picture-perfect and heartwarming. Even though it may be hard to reflect on the past, it's important to identify the strengths of an old relationship—that way, you can make a strong case for why the both of you should salvage it. Make a list of all the pros and all the reasons you love your ex. Slowly and gradually build a friendship if your ex consents to this. When you're on good terms and able to speak vulnerably again, speak about why you are so grateful for your ex. Tell your ex all his positive qualities that make you swoon, then describe the relationship you remember. When you recount everything you remember, you might make your ex really nostalgic for the past. Who knows—he might want to give your relationship another shot.
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      • If it doesn't work out or if your ex doesn't want you back, don't force it. Remember that you are worth being with somebody who wants to be with you, and you don't have to chase after somebody who doesn't!
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      References

      1. ↑ Alison Wellington. Certified Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/cant-stop-thinking-about-your-ex/
      3. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Alison Wellington. Certified Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Alison Wellington. Certified Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/relationship-breakups
      7. ↑ Sixu Chen. Life, Career, and Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-of-love/201610/you-think-you-want-your-ex-back
      9. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/
      1. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2024/05/31/g-s1-1851/should-you-stay-friends-with-your-ex
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
      4. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      6. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318184933_Staying_friends_with_ex-romantic_partners_Predictors_reasons_and_outcomes_Friendship_with_ex-romantic_partners
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201806/does-lets-do-lunch-signal-desire-or-disinterest
      8. ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
      9. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-make-someone-fall-love/
      10. ↑ https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/5-benefits-of-healthy-relationships
      11. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/someone-likes-you/
      12. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/nonverbal-communication
      14. ↑ https://www.relationshipsvictoria.org.au/media/vauhabqn/reviving-romance-tip-sheet-21081-web.pdf
      15. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-improve-communication-skills-in-your-relationship/
      16. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      17. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/make-it-work-or-let-it-go/
      18. ↑ Nicole Moore. Love & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      19. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/social-acceptance-and-rejection-the-sweet-and-the-bitter.html

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Hoping to rekindle your romance after a breakup? Before you try to get them back, take a no-contact break for 30 days. During your time apart, focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that help you feel fulfilled and confident. Once you’re ready to get back in touch, reach out to say hi, but take it slow and casual. If they seem willing to reconnect, ask them out for lunch or coffee. Be your best self when you’re together and remind them of some happy memories you share. If you get the vibe that they’re still interested, be open about wanting to get back together—but respect their answer if they’re not on the same page.

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