How to Roleplay as a Dominatrix and Thrill Your Partner

Has your partner mentioned that they'd like for you to dominate them in the bedroom? Acting like a dominatrix is about more than wearing leather and cracking a whip—although that's definitely part of it! We talked to sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin and licensed clinical therapist Jessica Swenson to get expert tips on how to act like a dominatrix and take your sex life with your partner to the next level.

Acting Like a Dominatrix

To act like a dominatrix, assume an air of confidence and authority during the sexual scene. You're in charge, as long as you stay within the boundaries that you and your partner—your submissive—have established. Pay close attention to your partner's responses to maintain enthusiastic consent.

Section 1 of 5:

What is a dominatrix?

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A dominatrix is a woman or nonbinary person who dominates in bed. She exudes power and issues demands or instructions to her submissive, who is usually (but not always) a man. She might dominate her submissive in physical ways or in mental ways through humiliation and degradation. ^{[1]
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- Dominatrix play is a type of role play associated with kink and the BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism) lifestyle.
- Typically, when people use the word "dominatrix" specifically, they're talking about someone who does this sort of work professionally. People in the BDSM lifestyle typically prefer "domme" to "dominatrix."
- Many women who work professionally as a dominatrix don't have any sexual relationship with their clients or allow their clients to touch them sexually—some don't even consider themselves sex workers. But when people play dominatrix for fun, it's almost always sexual. ^{[2]
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Section 2 of 5:

Dressing Like a Dominatrix

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1
Get the attire that you feel most confident wearing. A full-bodied cat-suit is a mainstay of fetish and bondage culture. Make sure your suit is made from leather or rubber latex. If suits aren’t your thing, find some sexy, black dresses or lingerie. Your partner also may request for you to wear a certain outfit. ^{[3]
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- There's a difference between a dominant lifestyle and fetishism, but the skin tight black bodysuit remains an iconic garment in both communities.
- Depending on the interests of your submissive, you might want other types of fetish attire. But most dominatrixes save the high-end fetish attire for shows and events. ^{[4]
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- Devlin notes that she's "all about leather gear because it's just easy."
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Thigh-high stiletto boots are commonly worn by dominatrixes. Like the cat-suit, these boots represent dominatrix attire to mainstream culture. Or, wear platform boots or stilettos. If you can’t (or don’t want to) wear heels, go for flat black boots instead. ^{[5]
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3
Wear a corset . A corset is a close-fitting undergarment (often worn as outerwear) that helps shape your body. A bondage corset has become a staple of fetish wear. If you aren't a fan of a corset, try a bustier instead. Wear it with lingerie or over a dress rather than under a cat-suit. ^{[6]
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- Corsets and bustiers aren’t strictly necessary, but they do help add to the overall look and can help you feel more confident.
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4
Add accents with other accessories, like stockings. Fishnet stockings or garter stockings are some staple accessories that pair well with dresses and lingerie. You can also wear gloves that are finger-less or elbow length. If concealing part of your identity helps your confidence, wear a mask that conceals part of your face. ^{[7]
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- Keep a few accessories around and try out which ones feel good for you. Dominatrixes tend to rotate through several different outfits, depending on the desires of their submissive.

Section 3 of 5:

Establishing Boundaries for the Scene

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1
Make a list of your sexual limits or boundaries. Swenson notes that "the first thing in establishing boundaries is first for yourself, figuring out what it is you want to do and what you don't want to do." Figuring these out ahead of time makes it less likely that you'll go too far in the heat of the moment and do something you regret.
- As Swenson explains, you want to "make sure that you don't take action further than what you would like to and maybe feel bad about the next day."
- Devlin notes that "it's pretty common for partners not to have completely matched desires." She recommends starting off by talking about what you like and why you like it, and then your partner "can cherry pick, from the menu of activities, what they're comfortable with."
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2
Talk to your partner about what they want in a scene. Devlin notes that "there's a big difference between desire and fantasy. Fantasy is something that feels really good to think about and desire is something that we actually want to do." Work out with your partner which things fall into which category so you can outline a scene that you'll both enjoy.
- Devlin notes that typically, "what subs want is to be held in a cocoon of their dom's attention and they want the whole world to melt away. So they don't have any responsibilities. They don't need to worry. All they feel is their dom's warm fuzzy attention around them."
- That need for your attention can be fulfilled in many ways, so don't worry if you don't enjoy or feel comfortable doing all of the things that your partner wants.
- Don't forget aftercare! Swenson recommends that subs think about what they'll need afterwards to feel loved and cared for.
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3
Agree with your partner on safe words and gestures. A safe word is something either of you can say to halt all play immediately. It should be something that's easy to remember and that would have an unmistakeable meaning in the context. If your partner won't be able to speak or if they have a tendency to go nonverbal, include a safe gesture as well, such as knocking on something 3 times.
- For example, you might choose a word such as "pineapple." Speaking directly and simply using words such as "no" or "stop" for their true meaning is fine as well, provided they wouldn't be misunderstood in the scene.
- Devlin emphasizes that when you take on the dominant role, you have to be able to "understand other people's boundaries and even kind of notice when people are beyond their boundaries by not speaking up."
- If your partner doesn't seem to be enjoying themselves, pause and check in on them—it's your responsibility. Don't use "they never said their safe word" as an excuse to keep going if your partner no longer seems enthusiastic about it.
- Many people in the D/s community use the traffic-light system for check-ins. If the sub says "green," it means that they're enjoying everything that's going on and want it to continue. If they say "yellow," they mean that they're approaching their limits and want to de-escalate things a bit. If they say "red," they want to stop play immediately.

Section 4 of 5:

Practicing Ahead of Time

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1
Brainstorm phrases, words, and commands to use. Watching videos or reading erotic stories can give you a good idea of the way a dominatrix normally speaks to a submissive. Practice by yourself to get a hang of the right volume and tone you want to use issue commands with authority.
- Word play is a big part of being a dominatrix. Ask your partner what sorts of words and phrases turn them on, so you can incorporate those as well.
- For example, your partner might like when you describe them as "little" because it turns them on for a dominatrix to make them feel small.
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2
Snag some sexy toys and accessories. Toys and accessories are a large part of BDSM. Talk to your partner about what they’re interested in, then keep some on-hand to use. If you can’t buy anything new, you can turn household items into makeshift toys, like making handcuffs out of a belt . Common dominatrix toys and accessories include: ^{[8]
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- Whips
- Blindfolds
- Paddles
- Ropes
- Handcuffs
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3
Test all of your tools and implements out on yourself. Before you use anything on your sub, you want to make sure that you know how to use it correctly and you aren't going to accidentally injure them or cause them more harm than you intend. Practicing on your own arm or leg also gives you an idea of how much force is necessary to create the impact your partner craves.
- Some implements, such as whips, are more dangerous than others and might require more hands-on training and practice before you use them on any person (including yourself).
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4
Ask an experienced dominatrix to mentor you. This isn't strictly necessary if you're just playing around with your romantic partner. But if you're serious about learning how to act like a dominatrix (or perhaps you're even interested in becoming the real deal), get an experienced professional to show you the ropes. ^{[9]
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- Your local kink community will typically have resources and community members who are happy to give you advice and pointers. These communities typically aren't out in the open, so you might have to do some digging online to find one near you.
- You might also check out books and videos for ideas and inspiration.

Section 5 of 5:

Playing the Part

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1
Speak and move with confidence. Focus on the fact that you're in charge of the situation and what you say goes. You might feel shy issuing commands at first, and that's totally normal! That just means that you're not usually a demanding person, which is a good thing. But here, you're issuing commands to fulfill your partner's desires—not to insist upon your own. ^{[10]
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- You might even find that you get a little thrill out of issuing a command to your partner and watching them immediately obey—that's part of what makes this play fun for people. ^{[11]
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- Confidence is necessary to take on a dominant role, but it's not enough alone. Devlin equates dominance with responsibility for your submissive, noting that "aggression, confidence, and assertiveness are different things than domination."
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2
Stand tall and take up space to show that you're in charge. Maintaining good posture is a great way to send a subconscious signal that you're in charge. You might stride across the room or stand with your feet apart and your arms crossed. Show with your body language that you are a force to be reckoned with and you mean business.
- A lot of submissive people get really turned on by displays of authority or by using an authoritative tone. If your partner enjoys that as well, you can have a lot of fun striding across the room and lecturing them on something.
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3
Check in with your partner regularly to ensure continued consent. Devlin cautions that "if you don't agree upon the menu of activities beforehand and if you're not paying attention to how much your sub is enjoying their experience, then you're not dominating them. You are just harming them." Since you are responsible for your partner, it's your duty to pay close attention to them and make sure that they're consistently enjoying everything you're doing.
- You can work these check-ins into the regular dialogue of the scene so that you don't have to break character or derail the mood. For example, you might command your partner to tell you how something makes them feel.
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4
Work to fulfill your sub's desires and give them pleasure. As Devlin notes, "dominance is an act of service. It is a gift that the dom gives to the sub and it is also a responsibility." Work from the list of your partner's desires and do things that you feel comfortable doing. Since their pleasure is paramount, always make sure they enthusiastically enjoy everything that's going on.
- Keep in mind that if your partner desires pain, there might be some times when it seems as though they're not enjoying themselves but they actually are. After you've done several scenes together, you'll get better at reading their signals.
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5
Engage in aftercare to connect with your partner. Aftercare is really important to help re-establish the love and care that you have for each other after an intense BDSM scene. What you and your partner each find comforting and grounding is a matter of personal preference.
- Devlin notes that she's "a big fan of the naked cuddle, getting in bed, putting on some music, lighting some candles, and just snuggling up to each other."
- "[T]aking a bath together, taking a shower together, giving each other massages," Devlin continues, "those are all ways that we can intimately connect and focus on that connection and focus on calming the body."

Become a Dominatrix with this Expert Series

Being a dominatrix means taking sexual control and trying new things with the consent of your partner. Enter this exciting world with this Expert Series.

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Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you be a good Dom?

Shelby Devlin, MA
Sex & Intimacy Coach
Shelby Devlin is a Sex & Intimacy Coach based in San Francisco, California. She has over 7 years of experience guiding individuals and couples in deepening their capacity for intimacy and pleasure. Shelby specializes in BDSM therapy, D/s, and fetish exploration. She earned an MA in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University and is certified in the Somatic Method, an experiential therapy modality. Shelby is also a certified massage therapist (CMT) and an associate practitioner of Ortho bionomy. She has a 5-star coaching rating.

Shelby Devlin, MA

Sex & Intimacy Coach

Expert Answer

Being able to communicate before, during, and after a scene is really important. It's also important to be able to keep your own boundaries, understand other people's boundaries, and notice when people are beyond their boundaries by not speaking up.

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Tips

Clean all of your toys and accessories immediately after play.

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Warnings

Enthusiastic consent is the most important part of D/s play. Check in on your partner regularly and cease all play immediately if they use a safe word or gesture.

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Never consume alcohol or recreational drugs before or during BDSM play. Swenson cautions that "when you drink alcohol or do substances, you cannot feel your body in the same way you could if you were sober, and that means you're more likely to take on more than you would if you were sober."

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If you're going to restrain your partner, make sure you have a quick way to immediately get them out of the restraints in case of an emergency.

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How to Roleplay as a Dominatrix and Thrill Your Partner

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