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When your parents disapprove of your relationship, hiding it can make your life so much easier. At the same time, you might feel guilty about keeping secrets. Navigating this type of situation can be really hard, so we're here to offer support and guidance. We'll help you decide if it's okay to hide your relationship from your parents. Additionally, we can help you keep your relationship a secret if you decide that is what's best for you.
This article is based on an interview with our matchmaker, Abby Rosenblum, founder of The Social: Modern Matchmaking. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
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It’s all right to wait until you’re comfortable telling them. You have a right to keep some things about yourself private, including your relationship. You don’t have to tell your parents about your partner if you don’t want them to know. It’s totally okay to wait until you’re ready. [1] X Expert Source Abby Rosenblum
Matchmaker Expert Interview. 20 October 2021. -
Tell them when you feel ready. In general, hiding a relationship should be temporary. Once your relationship becomes more established, it's often best to come clean to your parents. If you think your relationship is going to continue, consider introducing your partner to your parents. [2] X Expert Source Abby Rosenblum
Matchmaker Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.- You might tell them after 4 months, since you'll know your partner really well by then.
- You don’t need to tell your parents if you’re afraid of their reaction. Always put your safety first.
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Section 2 of 4:
Reasons to Hide a Relationship
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Keep it a secret if you may be in danger if they found out. You deserve love and respect from your parents, but sometimes their own struggles prevent them from being the best parent possible. It’s a good idea to hide your relationship if you’re afraid your parents might hurt you or kick you out if you tell them. [3] X Research source
- For example, you might not feel comfortable telling your parents you’re LGBTQ+ if you know they’re homophobic. It’s okay to take your time and come out when you feel safe.
- Similarly, you might hold off on telling them if they’ve threatened to withdraw financial support or have threatened to send you to live with relatives.
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Hide your relationship if your parents are very conservative. It’s okay for your parents to have their own ideals. At the same time, you need room to make your own choices. [4] X Research source It’s normal for you to want to date and have fun. There’s nothing wrong with keeping a few secrets.
- Let’s say your parents don’t want you to date. Are your friends dating? If so, it might be okay for you to try dating, too.
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Delay telling prejudiced parents if you know they'd disapprove. Unfortunately, parents sometimes disapprove of their children’s partners based on their race, national origin, or religion. This is not okay, and it shouldn’t affect how you live your life. It’s understandable that you’d want to hide your relationship for a while if you know your parents are going to react this way. [5] X Research source
- Spend more time with your partner if this is the case. Focus on your relationship so they know they’re important to you.
- In the meantime, talk to your parents about why you disagree with their prejudiced beliefs. Start the conversation by saying, "What are you afraid will happen if I date someone outside our religion?" or "Why do you think skin color matters?"
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Wait to tell your parents if they're pressuring you to settle down. Your parents probably want what’s best for you, and they may mistakenly believe that means a long-term partner. This can make dating feel overwhelming because your parents want every person you bring home to be “the one.” If this is the case, you might hide your relationship from your parents until you know it’s serious. [6] X Expert Source Abby Rosenblum
Matchmaker Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.- This where that 4-month rule can come in handy. After 4 months of dating, you might go ahead and introduce your partner to your parents.
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Section 3 of 4:
Reasons It’s Bad to Hide a Relationship
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It's a bad idea if your partner is controlling or abusive. You deserve a healthy, happy relationship. Since abusive partners are often really kind at first, it’s easy to end up in a harmful relationship. Your parents can help you get out of harm’s way, so be honest with them. [7] X Research source Here are some warning signs your partner might be mistreating you:
- They call you names or criticize you.
- They try to keep you away from your friends or family.
- They check your phone or monitor your social media.
- They threaten you, make you feel guilty, or pressure you to do things.
- They harm you in any way.
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Hiding your relationship might hurt your partner’s feelings. You probably care about your partner a lot and wouldn’t dream of hurting them. At the same time, being a secret can make your partner question whether or not you’re serious about them. Be open and honest with them about your reasons, but be understanding if they’re feeling upset about it. [8] X Research source Try saying something like:
- “I really care about you, and I’m so proud to be your partner. However, I haven’t come out to my parents yet because I’m worried they’ll be angry. Can we please pretend to be friends in front of them?”
- “You’re amazing and I’m definitely falling for you. I know you’re upset that I haven’t introduced you to my parents yet. In the past, they’ve put a lot of pressure on my relationships, so I want to wait until we have a strong foundation.”
- “I feel terrible about having to keep our relationship a secret. I like you so much, and I don’t want to lose you. To me, it doesn’t matter that we have a different religion, but I know my parents are going to be upset. I just need some time to figure out how to tell them.”
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Lying may damage your relationship with your parents. Trust is super important in any relationship, including the one you have with your parents. Over time, lying to them can really erode trust. It could take a long time to rebuild your relationship if your lie is discovered. [9] X Research source
- In some cases, the benefits of lying may still outweigh the costs, but be honest with yourself about these consequences.
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Section 4 of 4:
Tips for Hiding a Relationship
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Only tell people you trust. Keep your relationship a secret from anyone you suspect might tell your parents. Otherwise, they might hear about it from someone else. In general, you might only tell close friends. [10] X Research source
- If you do tell a friend, ask them to cover for you when you’re with your partner. For instance, you might say you’re at their house instead of out with your partner.
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Act like you’ve got nothing to hide. Your parents might get suspicious if you seem to be sneaking around or suddenly start hiding your phone. Try to act like nothing is going on so they think everything is normal. [11] X Research source
- For example, let's say you usually tell your parents where you're going and who you're going to be hanging out with. Don't be vague when you go to hang out with your partner because they'll be suspicious. Instead, you might say, "I'm meeting a classmate at the pizzeria," or "I'll be at the park with friends."
- Similarly, don’t shield your phone when your parents walk by because they’ll know right away that something is up.
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Talk to your parents about other things going on in your life. Your parents may get suspicious if you aren’t opening up to them anymore. To put their minds at ease, find other things to tell them about. This might include updates about work or school, progress on your hobbies, or activities you did with your friends. [12] X Research source
- For example, you might tell them about a new project you’re working on. You could also tell them about a movie you watched or a book you read.
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Watch what you post on social media. Photos, status updates, and private messages on social media are all super-risky in a secret relationship. [13] X Research source Your parents could see your public posts, or worse, they might pry into your private messages. To be on the safe side, don’t post about your partner and be sure to delete any messages.
- Talk to your partner about what’s okay to post on social media. Ask them to hold off on posting photos and statuses about you until you’re ready.
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Listen to your parents’ perspective before dismissing their concerns. It’s possible your parents are being totally unreasonable when it comes to you dating. However, it’s also possible their concerns are valid, especially if your partner mistreats you. Talk to your parents about why they don’t want you dating. Consider if they might just be trying to protect you. [14] X Research source
- If you’re a teenager, you might say, “I know you don’t want me to date until I’m 16. Why is this rule important to you?”
- If your parents want you to break-up with someone you’re dating, you might say, “I know you don’t like Alex. Why are you so against this relationship?”
- If your parents are interfering in your dating life, you could say, “What are you afraid will happen if I choose someone on my own?”
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Expert Q&A
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Tips
- At first, keeping your relationship a secret can make it more fun. However, it might undermine your relationship over time. [15] X Research sourceThanks
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Warnings
- Only hide your relationship if it’s what you want. If your partner is pressuring you to keep secrets, they may not be the best person for you. You might talk to a neutral party, like your friend or a counselor, who can help you decide if this secret is good to keep.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Abby Rosenblum. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.
- ↑ Abby Rosenblum. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201205/personal-growth-your-values-your-life
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/when-your-family-doesnt-approve-of-your-partner/
- ↑ Abby Rosenblum. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/when-your-family-doesnt-approve-of-your-partner/
- ↑ https://www.rewire.org/partner-wont-post-social-media/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships
- ↑ http://www.columbia.edu/~ms4992/secrets/help.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201609/how-lie-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201609/how-lie-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.rewire.org/partner-wont-post-social-media/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/when-your-family-doesnt-approve-of-your-partner/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
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