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What are pick-me girls really saying to themselves and others?
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Tired of feeling out of the loop? You've seen it on social media and heard your friends use the phrase constantly, but what exactly is a "pick-me girl"? It's actually way simpler than you'd think, and we've got the inside scoop below. We'll walk you through what this phrase means and show you how to spot "pick-me girl" behaviors. We'll also explain why it's so important to show empathy and understanding (and never resort to calling someone a "pick-me girl"). To learn everything you want to know, read on!
Pick Me Girl Meaning & Examples
- Pick-me girls lean into outdated gender stereotypes to put other women down for male attention.
- She projects misogyny onto others, and even herself, by putting down classically "girly" hobbies or interests.
- A pick-me girl will try to differentiate herself by saying things like, "Girls are so catty. That's why I prefer hanging out with guys."
- She will make excuses to be with the guy. "You all gossip about me."
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Pick-Me Girls: Who Are They?
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Someone who criticizes women to be liked by guys is a "pick-me girl." You know that old saying: “Girls have got to stick together.” For some ladies out there, this is not a top priority. Pick-me girls care more about getting attention from men than giving basic respect to other women. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source They may try to differentiate themselves from “other girls” by saying things like: [2] X Research source
- “Girls are so dramatic. That’s why I get along so much better with boys.”
- “I could never be into that “girly” stuff like makeup and clothes. I’m just not really like other girls.”
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"Masculine" interests and male friends don't make you a pick-me girl. People should be able to have the friends, interests, and passions that they want. If you meet a girl who’s friends with only boys or likes video games more than shopping—that doesn't make her a pick-me girl. It's all about whether or not she patronizes other women. A non-pick-me girl might say: [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- “I’m so bad at makeup so I never wear it. Yours looks so cool though. I love it!”
- “Yeah, I would rather skateboard than go shopping. But that’s just me. We could split up and then afterward, you could show me all of the cute stuff you bought!”
- “I’m friends with mainly guys, but I’d love to have some girlfriends, too. I hope I meet some that I click with soon!”
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Section 2 of 3:
How to Spot a Pick-Me Girl
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A pick-me girl will make fun of other girls, especially around guys. Her goal is to look cool compared to other women. So when she’s around other smart, fun, awesome gals (like you!), she’ll try her best to drag you down. She may subtly try to embarrass you, make rude remarks , and all in all, attempt to make others think less of you (so not cool!). She might say things like: [4] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- “Oh my god. You’re wearing so much makeup. Why’d you get so dressed up for this—we’re just hanging out with the boys!”
- “Uh, why are you going on about Gossip Girl again? That show is so boring and girly.”
- “Why are you ignoring Connor? Didn’t you say you had a crush on him or something?”
- For more signs, check out wikiHow's "How do you spot a pick me girl?" forum .
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A pick-me girl will criticize her gender and classically feminine things. All genders can and do enjoy any topic, but some interests are historically linked to women—like fashion and movies about female friendship. Then, there are the unfair, untrue stereotypes that women face, like that they’re overly dramatic or talkative. A pick-me girl will reinforce these stereotypes to get male attention. [5] X Research source
- “Can you imagine waking up and spending an hour on your makeup every morning? How pathetic. I could never.”
- “Girls are so annoying. I’m so glad I hang out with guys. I wouldn’t able to stand all that constant chatting.”
- “ Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants ? Are you serious? That’s the worst movie ever. It's just a bunch of girls talking for 90 minutes.”
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Join the Discussion...
So, I have a little sister who occasionally refers to one of her friends as a “pick me” girl. Google says this is someone who seeks out male validation to a kind of a silly level, but that doesn’t really seem like it encompasses everything? I’ve asked my sister about it but she’s kind of evasive and not very good at explaining what she means. Is this a slur? Is that why my sister is kind of flighty about it? Someone break it down for me!
Yeah, probably not great to have a little kid referring to people as “pick me” girls (assuming your sister is in grade school or something). That’s a derogatory term for women who pull the “I’m not like other girls” card to try and get guys to pay attention to them.
Pick me girls tend to put other women down and make fun of “girly” things to try and seem less feminine than they are. The problem is the term can be used to put down women who aren’t naturally hyper-feminine, and I’ve seen the term used as a slur against LGBTQ+ women before.
It also ignores the nature of the problem. Pick me girls behave the way they do because society rewards men for being “manly,” but penalizes girls for being “girly.” In other words, this behavior is a product of sexism against women, and perpetuating that is kind of not a great move for a young girl.
Pick me girls tend to put other women down and make fun of “girly” things to try and seem less feminine than they are. The problem is the term can be used to put down women who aren’t naturally hyper-feminine, and I’ve seen the term used as a slur against LGBTQ+ women before.
It also ignores the nature of the problem. Pick me girls behave the way they do because society rewards men for being “manly,” but penalizes girls for being “girly.” In other words, this behavior is a product of sexism against women, and perpetuating that is kind of not a great move for a young girl.
I get your little sister's instinct to call people "pick me girls" because she wants to point out their behaviors that put down other girls. But at the same time, her making fun of those kind of girls is still pitting girls against each other, when they should instead be supporting each other. It sounds like your sister isn't willing to talk more about "pick me girls" but maybe you can ask her about what her friend does and how that makes your sister feel, and then try to help her go from there.
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References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3826207/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/do-i-like-him-or-the-attention
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6461231/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6707629/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201908/12-ways-spot-female-misogynist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/12-ways-spot-misogynist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201908/12-ways-spot-female-misogynist
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Reader Success Stories
- "This was very interesting to read about. I've met so many people like this. I also appreciate how you pointed out that simply liking more typically masculine things and being a girl doesn't make you a pick-me girl; rather, it's the act of putting down others that does." ..." more
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"This was very interesting to read about. I've met so many people like this. I also appreciate how you pointed out that simply liking more typically masculine things and being a girl doesn't make you a pick-me girl; rather, it's the act of putting down others that does."
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"I've said a few things which are mentioned as something a pick me girl would say, but upon further reading I understood that I was talking about those specific girls and boys around me and I've always looked out for opportunities to find girlfriends."
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"It's good to learn about that sort of stereotype. When I was in high school especially, my peers would always classify pick-mes, as girls most pick-mes say they "aren't". Namely the ones who wore too much makeup and short outfits to impress guys."
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"I heard my 12 year old daughter use the term to describe another girl who was not present and wanted to know what it means."
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"My best friend was one. Thanks to this I've escaped from her toxicity."
