How to Stop Being Too Nice

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Being nice is a wonderful quality to have, but it is possible to overdo it. It turns out that being more assertive is actually great for your mental health because it leads to reduced stress and anxiety. You’ll feel more confident and happy if you focus on your own needs rather than pleasing those around you. You can still be a good person while prioritizing boundaries and speaking your mind.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Putting Yourself First

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  1. It can be hard to put yourself first, so be patient if it doesn’t come naturally to you. It turns out that prioritizing yourself is good for you! It can reduce your stress which has a ton of benefits for your mental and physical health. Allow yourself to focus on your own needs, even when that feels hard. [1]
    • You can try giving yourself a little pep talk. Say, “It is good to take care of myself. I’m giving myself permission to do this.” You can say this out loud or just think about it.
  2. If you’re always doing things for others, you won’t be able to focus on yourself. It’s okay to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life, including family, friends, and coworkers. Explain your boundaries clearly and calmly to make yourself clear. Remind yourself that it's not mean to set boundaries. It's healthy! [2]
    • Maybe you have a friend who has been going through a really tough time and is being a little too dependant on you. You can still support them while prioritizing your own needs. Try saying, “I’ve enjoyed spending some extra time with you lately, but I’m getting behind on some other things. I’m only going to be able to hang out once a week from now on.”
    • You could say to your boss, “I’m really committed to the success of this project, but I’m not going to be able to respond to emails past 7 p.m.”
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  3. You might experience some pushback from people who aren’t used to your new boundaries. Try explaining to them that you are simply doing what’s best for you. If that doesn’t work, try to limit your contact with them. This might be tough with people you're close to, but it's important to practice kindness to yourself. [3]
    • This can be really hard to do with family members or in professional settings. If you’re not able to stop interacting with them, try to keep being assertive. Hopefully, they’ll eventually get the message.
  4. While you might be ready to stop being so nice to others, that doesn't mean you should stop being nice to yourself. In fact, you should focus on your strengths and avoid criticizing yourself. When you have a negative thought, acknowledge it, then let it go. Replace it with something positive. It might be tough at first, but it will soon become a habit. [4]
    • If you find yourself thinking, "Wow, maybe I was too tough on Charlie," replace that with, "I'm doing a good job of sticking to my new boundaries."
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Being More Assertive

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  1. Sometimes people might take advantage of you if you don’t voice your opinions clearly. To avoid this, take time to figure out what you want to say. Practice what you might say in a typical scenario by saying it out loud to yourself. You can also write yourself a notecard with your main points in case you get nervous during the conversation. [5]
    • For example, maybe your partner always chooses what you do on the weekends. Practice saying, “Actually, I’d like to pick the movie this time. And I have a new restaurant that I’d like us to try.” This can make you less passive and help you stand up for yourself.
  2. Take care to include the word “I” when you are trying to make yourself clear to others. This will help you to get your meaning across without causing the other person to feel defensive. You don’t want to sound like you are blaming them for something. You can still be nice without being too nice. [6]
    • Instead of saying, “You never take a turn doing the dishes,” you can try, “I feel like I’ve been doing the dishes every night. I’d appreciate it if you could do them this week.”
  3. It’s not just your words that are important when you are trying to be assertive. Stand up straight to project confidence and authority. Maintain eye contact and nod your head to emphasize your point. [7]
    • You can also smile if you feel like it, but if you are feeling frustrated, you don’t have to smile.
  4. It can be really nerve-wracking to have to be more assertive if you’re not used to it. Before saying what you need to say, take a moment to take a long, deep breath in and to slowly exhale. Breathing slowly can help make you feel calmer. [8]
    • If you can take a few minutes by yourself before you have a tough or important conversation. This will give you time to do several rounds of deep-breathing.
  5. Being assertive means speaking up for yourself and making yourself clear. Make sure to speak firmly, but kindly. Remember that just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wrong. If the situation doesn’t have to have an immediate resolution, it’s okay to agree to disagree.
    • For example, maybe you’re arguing with your partner about what to watch on TV. Voice your opinion, but don’t let it turn into a big argument.
    • Stand your ground when necessary. If you really feel strongly about something important (like your health care or living situation) that’s the time to be more assertive.
  6. It’s really tough to have to change your communication style. If you’re feeling anxious or having trouble speaking up for yourself, it’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that way and acknowledge that making changes can take time.
    • Try saying to yourself, “I’m doing the best I can, and with time, I know I’ll get better at this.”
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Saying “No” When You Need To

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  1. When you want to say no to something, state that clearly and firmly. Even though it’s tempting, try not to apologize. Remind yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong by turning down a request. It's okay to say no, and you don’t have to provide a reason. Being clear and direct will help the other person understand where you're coming from, so it's good for both of you if you can try to do that. [9]
    • You can say, “I’m not going to be able to help you with that right now” or “I’m afraid I can’t make it tonight.”
    • Say something like, “I’d like to help you out, but I definitely can’t commit to several hours. How about I just come for an hour and do what I can in that time?”
    • You can also provide an alternative if that’s doable for you. For example, you could try, “I’m not going to be able to make it to your party this weekend. Maybe you and I could catch up over coffee next week instead?” [10]
  2. You can try this when you want to agree to something, but really don’t have the time or resources to say yes. In these situations, offer up a compromise to take some of the pressure off of yourself. Just remember to only do this if you actually want to say yes. [11]
  3. It’s okay to just offer a simple “no,” but there might be times when you either want or need to give an explanation. If that’s the case, you can just offer a very simple, brief reason. [12]
    • Try, “No, I’ll be out of town.” Another option is, “No, my schedule is full.” You don’t have to be specific to make your point clear.
  4. It’s actually important for your kids to get used to hearing “no” sometimes. After all, they’ll hear it outside of your home and as they grow up. While it might make you feel guilty, tell your kids “no” when they make unreasonable requests or push boundaries. [13]
    • You can offer an explanation such as, “No, you can’t have a snack because we’re about to eat dinner,” or you can use the old standby: “Because I said so.”
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I stop being a people pleaser?
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Try taking the focus off of pleasing others and instead be more curious about what is in it for you to gain their approval. How is doing what they want contributing to your life? Know that every time you put someone else first, there is a cost to you. Don't be afraid to pull back and tell someone no or that you've changed your mind. Finding the right balance is really about learning how to trust your gut. Are you genuinely excited to help someone out or is it forced?
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201708/the-unselfish-art-prioritizing-yourself
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no/
      1. ↑ https://www.careerfaqs.com.au/news/news-and-views/how-to-say-no-to-anyone
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no/
      3. ↑ https://www.careerfaqs.com.au/news/news-and-views/how-to-say-no-to-anyone
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no/

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        Aug 1, 2023

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