How to Tell Your Boyfriend Something Is Bothering You

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Even if your boyfriend is the most perfect guy in the world, there’s going to come a time when you need to talk to him about something serious. Bringing up an issue isn’t anyone’s favorite way to spend an afternoon, but fortunately, there are ways you can make it much easier for the both of you. In this article, we’ll give you a comprehensive list of tips you can use to communicate with your boyfriend effectively and work out your problems together.

1

Pick a quiet, stress-free time to talk.

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    Make sure that you and your boyfriend are both feeling calm and stress-free, and go somewhere private where you can talk without being overheard. A relaxing weekend morning is a good time to chat; an evening after work when you’re both tired or cranky probably isn’t. [1] Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that before you talk, you "write down why you are upset or what just happened that will help to process the feelings and prepare you to address the situation in a calm, loving way." [2]
    • If you aren’t sure whether your boyfriend is in the mood to talk, try asking something like, “Hey, are you free to chat?”
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2

Take some time to calm down if you’re upset.

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    It’s easy to yell or snap at your boyfriend if you’re feeling angry, sad, or upset. [3] Take a few minutes (or hours) to calm down before talking to him—otherwise, your conversation probably isn’t going to go well. [4]
    • Try taking a few deep breaths in and letting them out slowly to calm yourself down.
3

Talk about one issue at a time.

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    It’s easy to feel bombarded or attacked if someone comes at you with 5 things they think you’re doing wrong. Pick the most pressing topic and talk about it now, and save the rest for another day. [5]
    • Plus, talking about one problem at a time is less confusing.
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4

Start out with a positive.

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    Diving right into the subject you want to talk about can be a little jarring. [6] Instead, tell your boyfriend that you appreciate how hard he works or you love how much time he’s dedicating to the relationship. That way, he might be a little more receptive to chatting with you. [7]
    • You might say something like, “I know how hard you’ve been working at your job, and I understand how tired you must be at the end of the day.”
    • Or, “I love how often you want to chat with me. I love getting your good morning texts.”
5

Get specific about the problem.

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    Instead, Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that you "speak boldly and confidently in relationships in order to communicate what is bothering you." [8] In other words, never assume that your partner knows that what they are doing is bothering you. Instead, when you bring up a problem in your relationship, get really specific, and give an example if you have one in mind. [9] That way, your boyfriend knows exactly what you’re talking about. [10]
    • For instance, you could say, “I really value a clean home, and when you leave your dirty laundry on the floor, it makes me feel a little anxious.”
    • Or, “Texting all day is fun, but I need my alone time sometimes.”
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6

Use “I” statements.

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    Focus on how the problem makes you feel. [11] Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that you "speak with respect and kindness" and "[tell] the truth from your perspective, not attacking." [12] When you talk about an issue, tell him your emotions surrounding it so that he can really understand you. [13]
    • Instead of saying, “You never do any chores,” try, “I’m dedicating a lot of my time to doing housework, and I feel overwhelmed.”
    • Instead of saying, “You never tell me where you’re going,” try, “When you leave all night without updating me on where you are, I feel anxious.”
7

Avoid sweeping generalizations.

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    [14] It’s not very fun to hear that you “always” or “never” do something, and your boyfriend might push back about that. Try to avoid using those words to have a really productive conversation. [15]
    • Instead of saying, “You always talk over me,” try, “Sometimes I feel like I can’t get a word in edgewise.”
    • Instead of saying, “You’re never there for me when I need you,” try, “I feel like I need more emotional support in our relationship.”
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8

Try not to assign blame.

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    As you two chat, try not to blame or shame him about what you’re bringing up. Everybody makes mistakes, and your boyfriend is no exception. Try not to accuse him of anything like causing problems or avoiding the issue at hand. [16]
    • For instance, instead of, “You never want to talk about our problems,” you could say, “I know it’s tough to talk about relationship issues like this.”
9

Listen to your boyfriend.

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    Otherwise, you won’t be having a conversation, you’ll be having a confrontation. Try not to interrupt him and let him talk as long as he wants. Ask him follow-up questions if you’re confused, and focus on figuring out his perspective. [17]
    • Ask questions like, “Can you explain that?” or, “Would you mind elaborating?”
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10

Work together to find a solution.

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    You might have a solution in mind, but your boyfriend might, too. Talk it out and come together to solve the problem so that you both feel happy in the end. [18]
    • If you’re worried about spending too much money, maybe you and your boyfriend could sit down and create a budget together.
    • If you feel like you always text your boyfriend first, perhaps you and your boyfriend could take turns reaching out to each other throughout the week.
11

Compromise with each other.

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    Relationships are all about compromise, and you can work together to find something you’re both comfortable with. Be willing to get a little flexible, and ask your boyfriend to do the same. Your relationship will be better for it! [19]
    • For instance, if you want to clean the house together every day but he prefers doing it once a week, maybe you two can clean together every other day.
    • If your boyfriend wants to go out with friends and turn his phone off but you’d like to stay in contact with him, maybe he could send a quick text at least once letting you know when he’s coming home.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.understood.org/articles/en/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      2. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
      3. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/managing-the-pressures-of-a-relationship
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/keeping-your-relationship-strong/how-to-successfully-communicate-as-a-couple/
      6. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/11-hints-for-resolving-relationship-irritations#3
      8. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
      9. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/health-safety-wellness/counseling/self_care/healthy_relationships/10_tips_for_health_realtionships
      2. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      3. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
      4. ↑ https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/health-safety-wellness/counseling/self_care/healthy_relationships/10_tips_for_health_realtionships
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/health-safety-wellness/counseling/self_care/healthy_relationships/10_tips_for_health_realtionships
      7. ↑ https://www.understood.org/articles/en/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      8. ↑ https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/keeping-your-relationship-strong/how-to-successfully-communicate-as-a-couple/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/11-hints-for-resolving-relationship-irritations#5
      10. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/managing-the-pressures-of-a-relationship
      11. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.

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