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Though it can be fairly easy to determine if someone is angry in person, making this determination online can be difficult. They might use different fonts, emojis, or forms of punctuation that seem to convey anger to you, but you should be careful in making quick judgments. [1]
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Expert Source
William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
Determine if someone is angry by observing their tone, looking back over the conversation, and by being direct with them.
Steps
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Pay attention to punctuation use. Exclamation points, for instance, can either convey excitement, annoyance, or anger. Notice what they said and the context in which they said it to make a determination. [2] X Research source
- For instance “Are you freaking kidding me?!!!!!” can convey anger while “Girl, the first day of school is tomorrow!” could indicate excitement.
- Periods can also be a sign of anger. If they are being short with you and using periods after brief sentences - or even simply "k." or "oh." - could indicate that they are eager to cut off communication because they are angry.
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Notice if they type in all caps. A person typing in all caps could be angry or excited. All caps are often used as a way to emphasize text or to yell via text. Know that this could be a sign of anger and look to their words to determine if they are inherently aggressive. [3] X Research source
- For instance a person who says “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK” might be angry, but a person saying “TURN UP!” might be excited.
- Some people use all caps all the time due to issues with vision, so be aware of that.
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Observe what emojis they use. Using emojis that are smiling or looking happy or that have hearts in them can be signs that someone is not upset. However, if someone sends you an emoji that looks mad or frustrated, then they could be angry with you.
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Notice if they are short with you. Pay attention to any changes in the conversation. For instance, perhaps you have a friend who is very expressive and often types long messages. If all of a sudden, they become short with you, something could be up. Something could have happened to them off screen to upset them or you could have said something that angered them. Make note of any changes and respond to them.
- You might say “Hey, is everything okay? You got really short all of a sudden. Did I do something wrong?”
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Read back over the conversation. If you think that you might have offended or upset someone, take a moment to read back over your correspondence. Make note of anything that could have potentially offended them and address it.
- You can say “Hey, earlier when I was talking about Father’s Day, I forgot what you told me about your dad. I hope I didn’t upset you.”
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Don’t jump to conclusions. Remember that unless someone says “I’m angry,” you don’t know for sure. They could be sad, excited, annoyed, or completely content. They might be too busy to respond to your message or to respond at length like they normally would. [4] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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Use the bag of words method. Look back over their latest messages or posts and assess how positive or negative each word is. For instance, if someone says “I love going to that delicious restaurant”, we know that at least two of those words are considered positive. If they say “I loathe looking at his evil face” however, at least two of those words are negative. Look to their words one by one to derive their underlying meaning. [5] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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Observe any rude or insulting comments they made. When someone is angry, they might lash out and be hateful towards others. Notice if they have said anything rude to anyone or if they have been deliberately offensive to them in any way. These are all signs of anger.
- For instance, if they call someone ugly or an idiot, they might be mad.
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Observe an increase in curse words. Some people use curse words regularly in speech and others use them only when upset. If your normally mild mannered friend all of a sudden begins cursing on a Facebook post, then they might be angry about something.
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Take a moment to think. Avoid allowing your own biases and negative mood to cloud your judgment. The anger you see in others might actually be the anger that is inside of you. Step away from the computer or phone for a moment before responding. Once you have a clearer head, you can revisit the situation and determine if addressing it is appropriate. [6] X Research source
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Ask questions. The best way to find out if someone is angry is to ask them questions to get to the bottom of the issue, rather than assuming. Look back over the conversation or post and determine what questions you might have for them. [7] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- For instance, you might ask “Hey, I noticed you reacted strongly when Monica mentioned going to a bar on your post. Is something going on?”
- Try to come from a place of compassion and empathy. That way, even if they're upset, you can let them know you care. [8]
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Expert Source
William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
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Be direct. Avoid beating around the bush and be direct with them, especially if they are commenting under your pictures or on your posts. Direct message them and ask them if they have an issue, and let them know that you are ready to talk.
- Say something like “I’ve noticed that you regularly leave hateful comments on my pictures. Can you tell me what the purpose is in that?”
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Apologize when appropriate. If the person comes to you with a legitimate gripe about something you have done wrong, then you should apologize. Take responsibility for what you have done and make amends in words and in action.
- Say something like “I’m truly sorry for that mean comment I made. At the time, I meant it as a joke, but I see now that it was offensive and in poor taste. I apologize.”
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Block them when necessary. Know that some people are internet trolls, only trying to hurt and upset others by making mean comments or by being combative on purpose. Rather than taking the time to address this person, just block them. Keep any unnecessary negativity out of your life.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy is everyone on the Internet so mean?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.Well, dealing with conflict online can be tricky, because it’s easy to take text out of context, without intonation or facial expressions for reference. That can make people seem meaner than they actually are.
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QuestionHow do you argue with someone online?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.Always start from a place of empathy and compassion. Remember that you may not be able to change someone else’s mind, and they may be in such a place of upset that they aren’t going to be able to hear reason.
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QuestionHow do you calm down an angry friend over text?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.You can try to engage them and just set a framework for what you’d like to change: "When X happened, I felt Y, and I wanted Z." Make an emotional appeal to let them know you care and want things to be better after a regrettable incident. It also may help to change mediums from text to voice or video.
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References
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ https://newrepublic.com/article/115726/period-our-simplest-punctuation-mark-has-become-sign-anger
- ↑ https://www.netmanners.com/email-etiquette-tips/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/lee-colan/think-before-you-speak.html
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
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