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What it means to be a flake, why people flake, and more
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Flaky people are people who you can’t rely on to show up to events or hold responsibilities. Dealing with a flake is rarely fun, since they often leave you hanging, but that doesn’t make them bad people. It just means you need to learn and work around their behaviors and adjust your expectations. We talked to licensed counselor William Schroeder to bring you the top signs of a flake, how to handle flaky friends, and why people become flakes in the first place.
Spotting a Flake
Flaky friends tend to cancel plans more often than they keep them. They also might be chronically late, or always leave events early. They usually are inconsistent with communication, and are irresponsible when it comes to important duties.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Signs of a Flaky Person
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They cancel plans more often than not. This is basically the definition of a flake. Getting frequently canceled on is super frustrating, so you'll probably notice this behavior first. It’s common for people who are flaky to cancel plans, and often at the last minute, or they might just no-show altogether. If they bail on plans more often than not, they could be a flake. [1] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
- For example, you might plan to see a movie with them on Friday, but they text you on Friday afternoon to tell you something came up.
- Similarly, you might get a text from them the day before you’re supposed to go out with them saying something like, “I’m feeling kinda sick. I think we should cancel our plans tomorrow just in case.”
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They usually arrive late, or leave early. Licensed counselor William Schroder says that flaky people sometimes have trouble managing their time. [2] X Expert Source William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 28 September 2021. This means they may arrive late to work, school, and events. They also tend to leave functions early, not wanting to linger. If you find yourself telling them to arrive earlier than other people in the hopes they get there on time, they’re likely a flake.- For instance, you might have plans to meet them for coffee at noon but they arrive around 12:30 p.m.
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They’re super inconsistent with answering calls or texts. You might notice that the flakes may sometimes respond to texts and calls quickly, but it’s probably common for them to send delayed responses or to never respond. This can be super annoying, especially when you’re trying to make plans with them. [3] X Research source Track how often this person leaves you hanging to see if they might be a flake.
- For example, you might text them, “Are you going to the party on Friday?” A day later, you might receive a noncommittal text that says, “Maybe! Are you?”
- Alternatively, they might never respond. Then, when they bump into you at the party, they might say, “Oh! I meant to respond to your text.”
Tip: Keep in mind that some people might fail to return texts and calls because they're overwhelmed with their schedule, dealing with depression, or feeling very anxious. Try not to assume the worst about people who aren't returning your texts and calls.
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They rarely follow through on responsibilities. Since flaky people usually have trouble staying organized, they often neglect responsibilities. For instance, they might fall behind on work or school activities, or might have trouble keeping their space clean. If you feel you can’t count on them to follow through, they’re probably a flake. [4] X Research source
- For example, when you’re working on a group project with them, you might feel like you’re doing more of the work.
- Similarly, if you share a home with them, you might feel like they don’t keep up with their chores.
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They usually forget important things, like your birthday. Pay attention to if they forget important things, like your birthday. One of the key traits of flaky people is forgetfulness. In addition to losing their things, they may forget dates, stories, and details. [5] X Research source Consider if you get frustrated with them because they don’t remember important information you told them.
- For example, they might forget an important anniversary or a special day that you’re celebrating.
- Additionally, they might forget important information you told them, like that your pet passed away or you need help moving.
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They often promise more than they can deliver. You might notice that your flaky friend or coworker commits to big projects or offers to help with things but doesn't follow through. They might sometimes abandon the project altogether, but they’ll often partially deliver on what they promised. Pay attention to how well they follow through to see if a person may be flaky. [6] X Research source
- For example, a coworker might tell you they’re going to prepare a big presentation for a client but only send you a few slides.
- Similarly, a friend might promise to help you plan a mutual friend’s birthday party but only bring a few miscellaneous supplies.
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They’re often unpredictable or impulsive. Flaky people are often impulsive and curious, so it’s common for them to be unpredictable. Often, this type of behavior is what makes them fun to be around, when you can tie them down! It’s not so fun when it’s a consistent problem, though. Ask yourself if they often change course or act on a whim when you hang around them. [7] X Research source
- For instance, let’s say you’re hanging out with a flaky friend on a Saturday night. They might randomly suggest that you go on a scavenger hunt or hop in the car without a destination.
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They’re generally reckless or irresponsible. Because of their impulsiveness, flaky people sometimes participate in activities that might be harmful to their overall health. At times, these behaviors might be frustrating for you, especially if you find yourself helping them out afterward. Take note of these behaviors, including the following: [8] X Research source
- Smoking
- Drinking alcohol
- Overeating junk food
- Going on spending sprees
- Driving too fast
- Having unsafe sex
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Section 3 of 4:
Dealing with Flaky People
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Think about if there’s a deeper issue at play, and be patient. Schroeder explains that some people seem flaky because they may have trouble staying organized, or might live a very busy or chaotic life. [9] X Expert Source William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 September 2021. Others may have a condition like depression, anxiety, or ADHD. While their behavior may be unfair to you, they probably aren’t doing it to be hurtful. Try to be understanding about the deeper reasons for their behavior.- Don’t try to diagnose someone with a mental health condition. Just understand that it’s possible that the person has an underlying reason for acting the way they do.
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Talk to the person about specific behaviors that bother you. You deserve to feel respected and shouldn’t have to carry someone else’s weight. When your flaky person does something that hurts you, Schroeder suggests that you tell them what they did and how it made you feel. Then, talk about ways they might improve this behavior going forward. [10] X Expert Source William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.- For example, say your partner is flaky and often forgets to do the dishes. You might say, “When the dishes are still dirty in the morning, I feel really stressed and end up doing them for you. What changes can we make to help you remember to do them?”
- Similarly, maybe your friend is always late when they’re meeting up with you. Say, “I feel unimportant when you don’t show up on time. What can we do to help you arrive on time?”
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Work around their flakiness so it’s less of a problem. You probably wish they’d stop being flaky, but it’s a very difficult behavior to overcome. Chances are, they’d prefer if you were more flexible with them. To help both of you get what you want, Schroeder suggests compromising by acknowledging that they are flaky when you make plans. [11] X Expert Source William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 September 2021. Here are some ways to do that:- Create padding in your schedule so they can be late.
- Plan an activity that you can do while you wait for them.
- Let them pick places and activities.
- Don’t base plans around them.
- Avoid agreeing to rides with them.
- Include other people in your plans so you can still go if they flake.
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Invite them to things they’re less likely to flake on. Schroeder says that some flaky people have certain events or plans that they don’t enjoy and are more likely to bail on. [12] X Expert Source William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 September 2021. When they are enjoying themselves, though, they’re often spontaneous and fun to be around. Take note of which plans they show up for, or ask them what they’re mostly likely to enjoy, then focus your plans on those things to take more control. [13] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source -
Let them experience the consequences of ignoring their responsibilities. Cleaning up someone’s mess can be super frustrating. You might even feel resentful about having to help a flaky partner or coworker. However, it’s not your responsibility to take care of their problems. If they neglect to do something, leave it for them to fix. [14] X Research source
- As an example, let’s say your roommate left their clothes in the hallway. Don’t pick them up! Leave the clothes there until they come get them.
- Or, say your friend is late for a scheduled event, like a movie. Instead of skipping the movie, continue without them.
- Similarly, your coworker might have done only half of a report. Send them an email with your boss copied on it that says something like, “This is the report that I have received from you. Half of the data is missing. Is this your final version?” This alerts your boss to the issue so you get credit for any extra work you do.
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Give them time to grow into their responsibility, if possible. Most people who are flaky will eventually become more responsible over time, as they mature. However, they might take longer than other people their age. Remember that everyone is different, and it’s okay for someone to be strong in some areas and weak in others. Be patient with them as they learn to be more organized and self-controlled. [15] X Research source
- If your partner is flaky, this might mean running a more relaxed household with fewer chores. Similarly, you might decide to wait on commitments like marriage and children.
- If your coworker is flaky, you might avoid giving them tasks that require a lot of organization.
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Show appreciation when they follow through on something. The best way to help your flaky person improve their behavior is to reward them when they do something well. When they arrive on time, keep plans, or remember something important, tell them that you really appreciate their effort. This may encourage them to do these things more often. [16] X Research source
- Say something like, “Thank you so much for coming to my birthday party tonight. I saw that you were early, and that makes me feel so good!”
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Flake on the friendship, if it’s too much to handle. If they don’t seem to make any attempts at improving their behavior, and that behavior is hurtful, it may be time to consider ending the friendship . It doesn’t have to be dramatic—simply stop inviting them to things. If they ask why, tell them politely that you couldn’t count on them, and were tired of expecting change. [17] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you deal with a flaky person?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.Accept that they're a bit flaky, but don't take it personally when they act that way, or you'll end up creating tension in the relationship. If you're dealing with a friend who's always late or cancels at the last minute, try making plans involving more people. This way, if they come, you can all enjoy it. If they don't come, it's their loss.
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QuestionWhat causes flaky people?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.It depends on the individual. Usually, the problem is with time management and with overcommitting to things without really writing them down or planning.
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QuestionWhat to say when he keeps flaking?William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.Let him know his behavior sometimes leaves you feeling frustrated. Instead of being angry, try to focus the conversation around the importance of spending quality-time with him. This way, maybe you both can act as problem-solvers together.
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References
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-do-about-flaky-friends
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/09/how-do-i-cope-with-a-friend-who-is-consistently-flaky
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/09/how-do-i-cope-with-a-friend-who-is-consistently-flaky
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-do-about-flaky-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200701/field-guide-the-flake
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-do-about-flaky-friends
- ↑ William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-do-about-flaky-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201511/how-your-flaky-friend-may-have-gotten-way
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-do-about-flaky-friends
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