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A guide to letting go of jealousy when your ex moves on
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Even if a break-up was inevitable and you're sure you are better off, it's commonplace to wonder how they've been doing, what they've been up to, and most importantly, whether they still miss you or they've moved on. Post break-up jealousy is sometimes an even bigger issue than the feelings you ultimately had during the relationship. When faced with the new dates your ex is going out with, it can raise your basic instincts to wonder why you weren't good enough and why these people have what your ex was really after. With no ability to protest, and a lot of potential for feeling angry, betrayed and disappointed, you may feel overwhelming jealousy. Fortunately, it is absolutely possible to tame your jealousy and move forward in a calm, happy and mature way.
Things You Should Know
- Focus on the positives around you: repeat to yourself that things will get better and feel gratefulness for your friends, family, and career.
- Feel confident in yourself by putting on your favorite outfit. Take a friend with you when you go out to events to feel supported.
- Keep yourself busy and fulfilled. Occupy your time with a new hobby, hang out with friends, and make time for self-care.
Steps
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Get yourself together. Repeat to yourself as much as it takes that eventually everything will turn out for the better. Remember that it is not a real, physical factor that instigates your anger, fear and panic. There is nothing coming up that threatens you; rather, it's all inside of you and your job is to get rid of it in order to feel in harmony again. [1] X Research source Once you convince yourself you're safe, you will start feeling in control and capable of dealing with all sorts of negative emotions.- Take a head-on approach to your negative feelings. Rather than regarding them as inevitable and natural, seek ways to change them into helpful attitudes, ones that will support you rather than cause you to feel powerless and helpless. Be fully aware that negative emotions keep you connected to the loss, while a positive attitude allows you to let go of the person while still acknowledging that you once had a relationship with this person without causing you to feel upset. [2] X Research source Stephanie Dowrick, <i>Choosing Happiness</i>, pp. 209-210, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
- Be kind to yourself. Do you really need to put yourself through this? No! [3] X Research source
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Do not spend time thinking about what your jealousy is "actually" about. Focusing on the negative emotions will put you in a vulnerable position. You can easily confuse the anger and fear as meaning that you're still in love with your ex and that you need to get them back. Obsessing over their new flame - who they are, what they do, how they can be eliminated - is even worse and more dangerous. Thoughts about them will not help you realize what you don't like about yourself and what you need to change. Such thoughts will only trap you in more fear, self-doubt, pain, and jealousy and will prevent you from moving on. [4] X Expert Source Lisa Shield
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.- Bear in mind that dissecting the nitty gritty of what could or should have been is living in the past by letting nostalgia trap you into a past period of life. Although often stated, the apt adage "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is as equally often overlooked; yet, it is far healthier to appreciate that you once loved this person but that now it is time to move on. It is possible to cherish the experience for what it was without letting it drag you back all the time. [5] X Research source
- And if you really can't stop wondering, at its most basic, jealousy is about wanting something you feel you don't have. The only lesson for you to take away from this is to answer for yourself what it is that's missing inside of you and to remedy it by concentrating more on personal growth (see steps below). Think of it this way – even if you did get X person back, would this deep gnawing gap inside be filled? No – because no person can fill an internal dissatisfaction; only you have that power.
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Look around. Yes, look around - your home, your office, your family, friends, career, etc. Acknowledge all the great people and opportunities surrounding you. [6] X Expert Source Lisa Shield
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018. Focus on the people who make you happy. Think of as many as possible nice things people have complimented you about; doing so will help you to start feeling confident and grateful , triggering you to want to accomplish more of the good stuff that brings you joy, salvages the burns from jealousy and fills the emptiness. -
Get a buffer, at least in the beginning. If you're extremely lucky, you will rarely or never see your ex and their new boy-/girlfriend again. However, if you cannot avoid bumping into them, make sure you're not alone whenever you know you can't avoid the awkward encounter. Having a buffer, an accomplice, will make you feel more secure. Friends and colleagues will also distract you and prevent you from obsessing over the happy couple.- Listen to your friends and family. It is possible that they have a sound perspective of the situation as it has developed and can provide you with solid advice for coping with it. Don't automatically assume that they'll say anything just to make you feel better; look for the gems of truth. [7]
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Expert Source
Lisa Shield
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- Listen to your friends and family. It is possible that they have a sound perspective of the situation as it has developed and can provide you with solid advice for coping with it. Don't automatically assume that they'll say anything just to make you feel better; look for the gems of truth. [7]
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Expert Source
Lisa Shield
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Take the high road. Of course, you can't always be accompanied by someone else to help you balance the delicate situation. When the inevitable meet-up happens and you're by yourself, be both nice and reserved. [8] X Research source It is essential to be polite , but no one expects from you to treat them as your best buddies. Trying that would look both awkward and insincere and would only stress you more.- Have quick exit excuses already planned, such as: "It's great to see you Bob/Jane. I'm sorry I can't stay and chat, I've got a hair appointment I'm already late for."; or "Great to see you Bob/Jane! Wish I could talk but I've got to collect my boss from the airport and the traffic's bad."; or, simply: "Hi Bob/Jane. It's good to see you looking so well. I'll see you around!" You don't need to offer an explanation unless you want to, but try your best not to give away your feelings through facial expressions or by brushing them off rudely.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Know that it's normal to feel jealous when you see your ex move on. However, try to recognize if this jealousy is healthy or destructive. Watch out for red flags like constant suspicion of your ex's new partner or attempts to interfere in their life. If the jealousy overwhelms you, consider seeking professional help.
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Look your best . This is not in order to make your ex realize what he or she's lost (and want you back) or to prove to anyone that you're better than their new beloved one. Do it because you deserve it, you owe it yourself to shine and show the world the best you can be. There is no better remedy for overcoming jealousy and spite than a fresh infusion of self-confidence . [9] X Expert Source Lisa Shield
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018. -
Keep yourself busy. Finding something to keep you occupied constantly will take up all your time, ensuring that at the end of the day you'll be too tired and proud of your accomplishments to even think about negative stuff. On the other hand, this will guarantee you the admiration and jealousy (!) of the others and once again convince you how amazing you are. This can be a great opportunity to let your creative side blossom and to improve professional self if you treat it as a time of personal growth and allow yourself the necessary opportunities. [10] X Research source -
Be your major priority. Whatever you do, remember that all your actions should be focused on moving on. Once you become the most important person in your life, you'll realize you've been moving on so fast, that the past will be too far behind to think about. Your ex and the other woman/man will be just a vague memory, a part of your experience and nothing more. [11] X Expert Source Lisa Shield
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
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The Takeaway: Dealing with Jealousy After Your Ex Moves On
Develop a positive mindset by focusing on good things around you, like your family, friends, and career. Boost your self-confidence by wearing your favorite outfits and pursuing hobbies that make you feel good. If you run into your ex, take the high road by being polite but reserved.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I let go of jealousy?Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.Jealousy and insecurity come out of a lack of self love and self confidence. Sometimes, we start to feel threatened and insecure when we are vulnerable and don't know what we're doing. Knowledge is power, so try to be aware of these feelings. Understand that others have those same insecurities and fears. A lot of insecurities come from not understanding our partners.
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QuestionHow can I put myself out there again when I am hurt?Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.If you have trust issues, abandonment issues, or a fear of rejection, it’s super important to have a good, strong support system. Rely on your family and friends to be there for you and have your back. Consider working with a coach to make sense of your past, because if you don't understand the past, you can't move forward.
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QuestionI still love him, I cannot help it.Community AnswerEvery person holds someone in their heart they have loved but lost. It's called experience and it is how life teaches us to process pain, to become a better and more caring person and to set boundaries early on so that we don't scare people with who we really are when it matters most. Your love reveals that you have a kind and gentle heart but there is nothing wrong with strengthening that with lessons learned. Love lost teaches you how to be more loving, more careful and more open next time around.
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Tips
- Change, change, change! Reorganize your apartment, paint some walls, get a new hairstyle. When you're done, do the same thing for your best friend. Any new improvement in your life will refresh your mind and make you feel much better.Thanks
- Remember all those things you never had the time to do because you were too busy with your relationship? Indulge in that juicy pile of unread magazines, spend a whole weekend working on your car, prepare yourself that sinfully delicious looking dessert or go to that new store you always drive by but never went into. Now you have both the opportunity and the necessity to keep busy with pleasant activities like these.Thanks
- There are more people out there!Thanks
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Warnings
- Flirt, but carefully! It is never recommended to rush into a new relationship immediately after a break-up. Even less so if your motive is to even the score or make your ex jealous. In the end you will just have more issues to deal with. Instead allow yourself healthy little portions of non-engaging flirty chatting or dancing once in a while. But no serious dating until you feel the ability and need to commit again.Thanks
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Things You'll Need
- Journal – for some people, writing down feelings is the best way of sorting through them
- New opportunities and hobbies
- Faith that everything will turn out the way it's meant to
- Confidence in yourself
- Trust in those whose only concern is you when they give advice/a shoulder to cry on . They are in a better place to see the bigger picture. Be humble, or, let the pain allow you to listen and take note. Then be proud you've done it!
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
- ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness , pp. 209-210, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201301/the-break-cure-7-ways-heal-and-find-happiness-again
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201306/after-the-break-bearing-the-pain-when-she-dates-others
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/201308/how-act-after-break-5-things-remember
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
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Reader Success Stories
- "Great advice. I was searching the internet for advice to help expedite the process of getting over my cheating ex. I know I made the right decision and didn't want him back, but seeing him move on so quickly made me second guess decision. This article helped confirm deep down what I knew - that it's normal to feel this was, but I will recover. Thank you for the tools." ..." more
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"Great advice. I was searching the internet for advice to help expedite the process of getting over my cheating ex. I know I made the right decision and didn't want him back, but seeing him move on so quickly made me second guess decision. This article helped confirm deep down what I knew - that it's normal to feel this was, but I will recover. Thank you for the tools."
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"I got very unhappy when I found out about my ex getting a new girlfriend. I felt like nothing, like I was just a fling. After reading this article, I started thinking, then working, and shortly after I felt happy again."
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"This has helped me so much because I recently was in a breakup. The worst is I always bump into them and it really hurts me. The crazy part is she already has a boyfriend! But I made the best choice to move on."
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"Just step by step tips to help you deal with jealousy. The most useful tips are keeping busy and taking care of yourself."
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