How to Overcome a Breakup When You Still Live Together

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Breaking up is a difficult process and it can be made even more difficult when a couple lives together. The change in the relationship brings many new roles and responsibilities. Making these changes and new boundaries clear can prevent adding any pain or stress to the process. Both people undergoing the breakup should use clear, open, and honest discussion as they plan to part ways and manage the shared living space in the meantime.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

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  1. Living together can come with the added benefit of sharing financial responsibilities. When a break up occurs, these responsibilities may shift or change and you will need to discuss them openly. Decide who is going to be paying for what and stick to that plan. [1]
    • The aim is to divide finances in a way that roommates would.
    • Keep things fair, try to split shared bills in half to avoid one party feeling taken advantage of.
    • Don't expect any personal financial responsibilities to be shared.
    • Consider writing up some kind of agreement or list that explicitly states who has which responsibilities.
  2. After the decision to separate as a couple has been made, both parties will have to start taking care of their own chores in the house or apartment. Take care of your own personal chores, such as doing your own laundry, and share other chores such as cleaning common spaces like the living room. [2]
    • Be open and clear to avoid anyone feeling angry or hurt.
    • Share chores like you would with any other roommate.
    • Take responsibility for your share of the chores, cleaning up after yourself.
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  3. Although the space you are living in is shared, you will both want to set boundaries now as the relationship changes. These boundaries will help keep a sense of personal space. Discuss who will use which space and when, respecting any new boundaries that you both decide upon. [3]
    • Sleep in different rooms if possible.
    • Try to give one another space, spending time in a bedroom or spare room.
    • Make separate space in the kitchen and become responsible for your own groceries.
    • Discuss if both of you are comfortable with bringing guests over and at what times that is acceptable.
  4. The most important step in living together after a break up is agreeing that the relationship is at an end. It can be easy to slip into old behaviors, falling back into elements of the relationship, which can cause further pain and stress. End the old relationship and don't give into any temptation to return to old habits. Have as many conversations and discussions as you need to get clarity about what you're both feeling. [4] [5]
    • Don't fall back into any romantic aspects of the relationship.
    • Make the break up clear to avoid making it more difficult and complicated.
  5. Even though you are still living together, the relationship is over and the possibility for new relationships is open. Honestly discuss how both parties feel about the idea of seeing other people while still living together. Respect what is said and speak honestly about your own needs. [6]
    • If one of you is uncomfortable with the idea, honor that and do not see or bring other romantic interests home. This can cause even more stress and pain, making the break up worse.
    • If both parties are open to this idea, discuss any further rules or boundaries that should be put in place.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Setting The Move Out Date

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  1. Although the decision may not be easy, one person will likely need to leave the house or apartment as soon as possible. It may not be clear as to who should leave, so have an open and honest discussion about the facts and logistics of the move and who is most suited for it.
    • Try to stay as objective as you can while you work to decide who will leave.
    • If you are able, consider volunteering to be the one who moves to make the choice easier.
    • Sometimes issues may prevent someone from leaving the house or apartment. These issues are usually financial in nature. If this is the case, plan as best you can and work with the other person to make the living situation as comfortable as possible.
  2. In order to make the decision final, both parties will need to decide on an exact date that the move-out will happen either by or on. Setting this date will help keep the process moving and will make the move-out easier. [7]
    • Decide together which time-frames work best for both of you.
    • Finalize a date that the move-out must happen either on or by.
    • Stick to this date and work to make it happen.
  3. Before the move-out date arrives, you will need to make sure that the process is on schedule. Since you have both agreed upon an exact move-out date, it will help the process of breaking up if both parties stick to this date. Make sure you have both properly planned for the move-out and that everything is set up to make the process as smooth as can be.
    • If you are the one moving out you will have to look for a new place to live, locate any roommates if needed, and start planning the packing and moving of your personal items.
    • If your partner is moving-out, make sure that you are able to afford your current place of residence alone or start looking for roommates if you cannot.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Getting Support From Friends

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  1. Speaking with loved ones or those you trust can help boost your mood during this difficult time. Building up your bonds with those close to you can help create a sense of security and stability during the breakup. [8]
    • Being around loved ones can keep feelings of loneliness away and build up your sense of self-worth.
    • Try making new friends by joining a volunteer group, going to the gym, or looking for groups on-line that share some hobby or interest that you have.
  2. Staying at home can increase contact with the person you have broken-up with. This can lead to increased stress and make the break-up more difficult. By spending time outside the house with friends or doing some activity you love, you can help make the break-up easier on both parties. [9] [10]
    • You may also want to stay at a friend or family members house for a time.
  3. Throughout the breakup process, open and honest discussion of your feelings and needs can be helpful. Talk with your family and friends about how you are feeling and don't be afraid to ask for any help that might you need. This support can help make this difficult process go as well as it can.
    • If you need to talk or need help from friends and family, ask them.
    • Openly share your feelings and thoughts with those you trust.
    • Stay fair, open, and honest with the person you are breaking up while you are still living together.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it a bad idea to live with your ex?
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.
    Julia Yacoob, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It really depends on your personal situation. If you can't stand to be there and are having a hard time coping with the breakup, you should look for another place to be as much as possible. Of course, this feeling might fluctuate from day to day, so try to be in touch with your thoughts.
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      • Keep things as friendly as can be. You will want to make rational and clear choices when handling the new living situation.
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      • Always be honest and upfront, expressing any needs and feelings as well as being open to listening.
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      • Spend time away from the shared living space and visit with friends and family often.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2013/04/16/when-live-in-lovers-break-up-the-financial-consequences?page=2
      2. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup
      3. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup
      4. ↑ Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
      5. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup
      6. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup
      7. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup
      8. ↑ Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
      9. ↑ Julia Yacoob, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.
      1. ↑ http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20150217/astoria/how-live-with-your-ex-after-breakup

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Overcoming a breakup when you still live together can be really challenging, but by agreeing on boundaries and having a life outside of the house, the process will be a bit easier. If possible, you should sleep in different rooms and try to keep your lives as separate as possible. Agree on boundaries like bringing other people to the house and physical contact. It’s probably best to avoid old habits like cuddling and going out for dinner together. This will make the breakup a little less painful. Instead, spend as much time as you can away from the house. Hang out with your friends and family and join a club or sports team to help distract you from your breakup. For more tips from our co-author, including how to agree on financial issues and chores with your ex, read on.

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