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Sometimes, after a first date, one person might feel a spark while the other does not. Letting someone know you're not interested in a second date is a delicate conversation. Whether you let them know via text or in person, keep your words polite but direct. Straightforward conversations can feel emotionally vulnerable, but showing honesty to your former date is respectful.
Steps
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Be direct. When telling someone you're not interested in a second date, you can't beat around the bush. Euphemisms may avoid hurting someone's feelings, but the other person might not pick up on what you're saying. [1] X Research source
- Instead of saying, "I'm actually busy this week," for example, you might say: "I like you but want to be straightforward. I don't think we'd be a great match and don't feel like a second date is best."
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Treat their feelings with respect. Remember the golden rule: treat others as you'd want them to treat you. Put yourself in their place, and avoid saying something that would hurt you if someone you liked said it. You don't have to reciprocate their feelings to treat them kindly. [2] X Research source
- Avoid, for example, insulting phrases like, "Are you kidding? Our first date was awful! Move along, dude."
- Disgust is not an acceptable response. Being liked is flattering, and asking someone out takes courage. Don't purposefully hurt their self-esteem.
EXPERT TIPLicensed PsychologistSarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.How you end things depends on how many dates you've had. If you've only gone out a few times, you can end it quickly and lightly. If you've gone out more than a few times and are together a lot, be mature when ending things. Give them a chance to ask questions and process what's happening.
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Give an excuse with no holes, if you give one. While lying is never a good idea, a valid excuse can help explain your disinterest without hurting the other person's feelings. Shy away from vague excuses like, "Next week is kind of busy" or "I'm not feeling great tonight, sorry." Go for excuses that can't lead to a later date, like, "I've realized I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."
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Use "I" statements to put the blame on you, not them. Being turned down puts the person asking in a vulnerable place, and they may feel ashamed or like something's wrong with them. Avoid listing reasons that you aren't attracted to them. Instead, keep the focus on you using "I" statements.
- You might say, for example: "I'm flattered that you enjoyed our date, but I didn't really feel a romantic connection. I hope I'm not hurting your feelings."
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Prepare for a positive or negative response. Depending on their feelings' intensity, they might respond in a variety of ways. Some might accept your response without another thought, but others might feel upset when faced with rejection. Treat their emotions with respect, but stay firm in your response.
- If they begin to cry, stay calm and ask you how you can help. Do not offer them a date to stop them from crying. [3] X Research source
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Never turn someone down via another person. You might be tempted to let a friend have this hard conversation instead, but this is not fair to the other person. Face the conversation bravely. In-person is always ideal, but calling or even texting is preferred over telling them through someone else. [4] X Research source
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Compliment them first. Communicating by text may be the only way if you met this person through online dating, but take special care to compliment them first. Sometimes tone doesn't quite translate well through text. Paying them a compliment first will prevent your message from taking a harsh tone. [5] X Research source
- You might write, for example: "I enjoyed going out with you last week! You're an amazing hiker. That said, I just didn't feel the spark that would make me interested in a second date."
- Don't sugarcoat your words. Over-flattering them may give the person false hope. Write one or two compliments, then move on.
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Keep your text straightforward. Having this conversation through text can make the message long and rambling. Your recipient will understand you best if you keep the text simple. Aim for 3-5 sentences, at most.
- You might say, for example: "Hey, I had a fun time getting to know you, but I did not feel a spark so would not be interested in another date. I wish you all the best"
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Read the text aloud to catch harsh phrasing. Running through your text aloud can limit the disconnect in tone between texting and talking in-person. Consider how the words feel when said aloud and if there is a kinder way of phrasing your feelings, if your response seems cold.
- Instead of texting, "Thanks, but you're not my type, buddy," for example, you could text, "You are a sweetheart. I'm glad we went out, but I think it would be best if we didn't schedule a second date."
- Adding an emoji, like a smiley face, can help make the text feel less brusque. [6] X Research source
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Avoid "ghosting" them. Maturity is important when letting them know over text, as is treating their feelings seriously. If they ask you about a second date over text, respond to them directly. Deleting the text and forgetting about them might seem tempting, but you risk hurting the other person.
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Don't tell them you want to be friends unless you genuinely do. A common "go-to" for letting someone down gently is telling them, "But we can still be friends!" Only tell them this if you mean it. If you have no interest in being friends, you don't have to extend the offer out of courtesy.
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Decide whether friendship is in everyone's best interest. Sometimes, going separate ways is best for both people. You might not know this person well enough to maintain a friendship, and their feelings might be raw enough to prevent developing a friendship with you. [7] X Research source
- Ask yourself: what value will this friendship have for this person? What about myself? What is the best course of action for us both?
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Maintain firm boundaries. Feelings do not always leave quickly, and your former date may have a hard time letting go. Without healthy boundaries, this person might keep holding out hope in a relationship. Let this person know what your limits are, and stick to them. Be direct with them if they break the boundaries. [8] X Research source
- Examples of limits might be: no intimate physical contact, no asking for more dates, or no flirting.
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Step away, if they keep pressing for another date. Even if you want to maintain the relationship, constantly turning the other person down may become draining. The other person might also feel emotionally exhausted and unfulfilled in your relationship. Tell the person if you'd like to spend time apart, and tell them directly why.
- Although this person's feelings deserve to be validated, they do not inherently deserve to be reciprocated. Avoid people who feel "entitled" to another date.
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Tips
- Be honest with them. White lies can be tempting (especially if friendlier than the truth), but if the other person realizes you lied, they may end up feeling more hurt. [9] X Research sourceThanks
- Don't make fun of the person with your friends or brag about how you "shot them down."Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/online-dating-advice/online-dating-etiquette-not-interested-heres-say/
- ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-turn-down-a-date-gracefully-1708236305
- ↑ https://www.rookiemag.com/2016/04/life-skill-what-to-do-if-someone-is-crying-in-public/
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/how-to-turn-down-a-date_b_9501420.html
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-ways-to-turn-down-a-second-date/
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lacey-johnson/you-better-not-be-texting_b_7475974.html
- ↑ https://www.bustle.com/articles/107091-how-to-tell-someone-youre-not-interested-without-ghosting
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-to-a-date
About This Article
Article Summary
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Although it can be awkward to tell someone you don’t want to go on another date, it’s best to be polite and direct. If you want to tell them in person, communicate clearly and directly rather than using euphemisms to avoid confusion. For example, you could say, “I had fun on our date last week, but I want to be honest. I think we’ll be better suited to other people, so I don’t think a second date is best.” Make sure you treat them with respect as you tell them to avoid any unnecessary hurt. You don’t need to reciprocate their feelings, but being kind and polite as you tell them so goes a long way. If you’d prefer to send a text to tell someone you don’t want to go on another date, start with a compliment and keep your message straightforward. For example, you could say, “Thanks for our date last week, I had a good time. However, I didn’t feel much of a spark between us that would make me interested in a second date.” For more tips from our Relationship co-author, like how to remain friends, read on!
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