What to Do When He Pulls Away: Why He Does It & How to Make Him Stop

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Your guide to turning the tables and recapturing his attention when he drifts away from you
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When a guy you’re dating suddenly starts acting distant and uninterested, it can leave you wondering what went wrong and how you can fix it. There are many reasons a guy might start to pull away from a relationship—and, fortunately, many things you can do to work through the problem. Read on; we’ll show you why he might be pulling away and how you can get him to want you back. With a little time and communication, the two of you can rekindle the spark in your relationship!

Or, if you're looking for signs he's pulling away, jump straight to our detailed list at the bottom of the article.

Things You Should Know

  • Stay calm and avoid jumping to conclusions, even if you’re upset that he’s pulling away. Ask him what’s going on respectfully and with an open mind.
  • Give him space. One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to give your guy room to miss you and let him have space if he wants it.
  • Be positive around him and show him affection according to his love language. The more angry or desperate you act around him, the more he may pull away.
Section 1 of 3:

How to React When He Pulls Away

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  1. Panic is a natural response when you believe someone you care about is pulling away, but in this case, it won’t help you address the issue. Don’t panic, especially if you don’t know why he’s pulling away yet—or if he is at all. Calm down , take deep breaths, and use other self-soothing measures to help ground you before you react. [1]
    • Effective self-soothing techniques include listening to relaxing music, practicing focused breathing, taking a warm shower, or going for a walk.
    • Reacting with panic may even drive him further away. If you start worrying and send him 20 texts in a row, it might feel a bit intrusive to him.
  2. When a guy pulls away, it's easy to catastrophize and assume the worst of him—but the truth is, you may never know what’s really going on until you talk to him about it. Approach him calmly and with an open mind, and ask him if something is going on. [2] Use “I” statements to explain how you feel rather than accusing him of doing something wrong.
    • For example, you could say something like, “I’ve been feeling like there’s some distance between us lately. Is everything all right?”
    • Another option could be, “I don’t want you to feel like I’m prying; I’d just like to understand how you’re feeling.”
    • Steer clear of accusatory statements like, “Why are you pulling away from me?” or “What did I do? Do you even still want to be with me?” Let him explain in his own words what, if anything, is going on.
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  3. After talking to him, the best thing you can do is give him the space that he needs. Don’t double down and try to mend the relationship right away; instead, take a step back and create some space between the two of you. [3] Cut back on texts and calls, and resolve not to meet up with him in person for a while.
    • Space is especially important if he pulls away early in the relationship when you haven’t been dating long. Don’t chase him or contact him at all; this can send the message that you’re overly attached to him.
    • Chasing after him may end up pushing him away even more, whereas distance can help the heart grow fonder. If you’re not there, all of a sudden it may become clear how much he really wants you around.
    • Furthermore, if he’s told you that he needs space directly, doing as he asks will help him see that you respect his needs. Ignoring his request might make things worse.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 2067 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to reconnect with a guy who has pulled away is to give him space and wait for him to reach out . [Take Poll]
  4. It can be hard to wait around feeling unsure about your relationship, but the busier are, the less you’ll dwell on it. Set aside your worries and engage with hobbies that make you feel happy and calm. If you have a daily routine, stick to it, and spend time with other friends so you have plenty of positive social interactions. [4]
    • Either dive back into an old, beloved hobby or try something new and exciting. Take a drawing class , learn to cook , or take up knitting , for example.
    • If it’s still early and you haven’t gone on many dates (let alone made concrete commitments), there’s nothing wrong with going out on dates with other guys either.
    • When a guy pulls away, it can make you wonder what you did wrong or hurt your self-esteem. Turning to friends and hobbies can help you remember all the things you really love about yourself!
  5. Positivity and support can go a long way toward showing your guy that you’re someone he wants in his life. Bombarding him with anger or desperate pleas may drive him away; instead, simply let him know that you want to support him. Gentle, positive words may convince him to open up to you about whatever is on his mind. [5]
    • Say something like, “I’m here for you. If there’s anything I can do to help, you can always tell me.” Let him come to you if he wants help.
    • Don’t force the issue. Making demands or trying to guilt him by saying things like, “Tell me what’s wrong!” or “If you cared about me, you’d talk to me,” will likely alienate him further.
  6. Some people feel they need to deal with all of their troubles alone without relying on others—and if your guy thinks like this, reminding him otherwise can help. As he tells you what’s wrong, whether he’s feeling insecure about the relationship or stressing about something else entirely, your support can ease his burden. [6]
    • For example, if he’s been cheated on in the past, he might be struggling to move past those bad memories. Acknowledge his insecurity and reassure him. With unconditional support comes trust!
  7. If he’s pulling away, it might mean he needs more space in the relationship in general. It may help to talk to him about how much space and togetherness each of you needs. Do you both feel there’s a healthy balance? If not, can you compromise to create one? Figure out a path forward once you’re on the same page. [7]
    • For example, he may feel like he doesn’t have enough time to do things by himself, but you may worry about getting a certain amount of “couples’ time” with your partner.
    • In that case, look for a balance between your needs. For example, you could schedule a date night each week to ensure you get time with him, and then block out an afternoon or two for each of you to do your own thing.
  8. Some relationships develop friction when a partner shows each other love the way they want to, not the way their partner wants to receive it. Show love according to his love language, and tell him what yours is. Once you find his love language (and yours, as well), you’ll have a better idea of what each of you needs to feel loved and appreciated. [8]
    • There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
    • So, if his love language is acts of service, you might do helpful things for him here and there. Make his favorite snack, or tackle one of his chores so he doesn’t have to worry about it.
    • If his love language is words of affirmation, he might be looking for verbal reassurance and support. Compliment him and remind him often how much he means to you!
  9. If the expectation is for him to be fully engaged and enthusiastic no matter what, that may not be something he can do. Life happens, and relationships have natural ups and downs that can depend on what’s happening in other areas of your life. He might not be able to act like he normally does if he’s having a bad week or month. [9]
    • Try thinking of a few positive phrases you can remind yourself of when you’re stressing out, so you can focus on that instead of reading into a problem that may not be there.
    • For example, you could tell yourself things like, “This will pass, and I have the strength to get through it,” or “Worrying won’t change the outcome, and my worries are temporary.”
  10. When a guy pulls away, the truth is, it’s not really about you. It might seem like it is, especially if your relationship ends or he breaks up with you, but it’s really about compatibility—not about you as a person. It doesn’t mean you’re undesirable or unworthy; you just may not be the best fit for one another, and that’s okay. [10]
    • Whatever happens, try not to take it personally . If he’s looking for something else in a partner, it’s his decision. You can’t control his decisions, and it doesn’t make you a bad partner.
    • If it doesn’t work out between you and this guy, remember: that means there’s someone out there who can be an even better fit for you—and vice versa.
  11. Maybe the two of you will mend your bond—or maybe you’ll go your separate ways. Be prepared to accept what happens regardless of the outcome, and know that you’ll be okay even if there’s a breakup. Plus, if he’s determined to leave, it’s better for both of you if you let him go . You deserve someone who can commit to you wholeheartedly! [11]
    • On the bright side, he may find your acceptance and nonchalance alluring—so either way, going along with the outcome is a win-win. Guys tend to like partners who can go with the flow!
    • It can be tough to let go, but if you’ve been a loving and supportive partner and he’s still pulling away, it’s not your job to save the relationship. In that case, letting go can be the healthiest thing for you.
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Section 2 of 3:

Why do men pull away?

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  1. In some cases, guys become distant because they’re stressed or preoccupied with things outside the relationship—like their job, finances, a family conflict, or any number of other triggers. The problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to be with you; it’s that he isn’t confiding in you, which can leave you feeling confused and concerned. [12]
    • If your man does this, it can help to remind him that you’re a team. You may not be able to solve his problems for him, but you can give him support if you’re aware of what’s going on.
  2. Sometimes, when a guy has a bad experience with a past relationship, he’ll develop a fear of getting hurt that spills over into future relationships too. He may be quietly trying to figure out what he really wants and if he’s willing to risk heartbreak for this relationship; he’s not trying to upset you, just taking time to think. [13]
    • Giving him reassurance can help him work past his defense mechanisms. Remind him that you care and that you want to stand by him however you can.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    A lack of intimacy doesn't necessarily equal a lack of interest. Taking it slow doesn't have to be a bad sign—it could just mean that he's working through something, or that he prefers a slower pace when it comes to a romantic connection. If you're really interested in him, be patient and see where things go!

  3. Red flags don’t mean there’s something wrong with you—remember, when a guy distances himself, it’s about his wants and needs, not you. He may simply feel like he isn’t very compatible with you. You might have different desires or life goals, for example, and he can tell he’s losing interest in the relationship as a result. [14]
    • When a guy pulls away because of this, he might be quietly trying to get the relationship to fizzle out.
    • While that may not be the outcome you’re hoping for, it still might be for the best. Being single and looking out for your own well-being is better than being in a half-hearted relationship any day.
  4. When a guy feels his relationship is moving too fast or that he’s not in a good place to settle down with someone long-term, he might try to get out of the relationship by subtly pulling away. It’s his way of saying that he doesn’t want to lose his freedom, and he’s concerned that he might if he keeps pursuing the relationship. [15]
    • While you can’t make anybody settle down if they really don’t want to, you may be able to set his mind at ease if he’s open to compromise.
    • For example, you can promise him that he’ll still have plenty of alone time and that you don’t plan to be glued to his hip every day. Some guys may find this reassuring, though some may decide they don’t want a relationship, period.
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Section 3 of 3:

Signs He’s Pulling Away

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  1. You might feel like he used to go out of his way to spend time with you, go on dates, and hang out, but now treats you like an afterthought. If he’s pulling away, it may seem like it’s now on you to make all the plans—and even when you spend time together, you get the sense that he’d rather be somewhere else.
  2. You may notice that where once he called and texted you all the time, now he hardly does it at all. You never get instant replies, if you get them at all, and his responses will likely be brief. He may not stay on the phone for long when you call; sometimes, he might ignore your calls. Essentially, it’ll feel like he’s not putting any effort into communication.
  3. You might be able to tell if his mind is elsewhere based on how much he engages in conversations and remembers after the fact. Does he listen to you? Can he remember the things you talked about before, whether it was 10 minutes or 10 days ago? If he’s pulling away, it might feel like he’s always preoccupied.
    • Keep in mind that there are many reasons he might seem unfocused. Everyone has bad days!
    • If he’s pulling away from you, disinterest will be a pattern. It’ll happen pretty much every time you’re together, to the point that you can tell it’s not just because he had a long day.
  4. You may notice that the affection that you’re used to is now nearly nonexistent. This can include physical affection like kissing, cuddling, and intimacy, as well as verbal affection like compliments and flirty messages. If he won’t show you affection, he may be pulling away.
  5. Similarly, sexual intimacy may become rare between you—and when it happens, it might feel much more disconnected and unemotional than it used to. He may even come up with reasons to get out of sex every time you bring it up, whereas before the two of you shared a hot and heavy sex life. [16]
  6. Where he used to tell you how amazing you are, now it might seem like the only things he has to say to you are critical. It may even feel like you’re always on his nerves, even though you don’t know what you could’ve done to upset him. This can be a sign that he’s distancing himself from the relationship and even trying to drive you away. [17]
    • Harsh criticism can be really upsetting, but try not to take it to heart. If everything he says is negative, he’s not giving you constructive advice—he’s just taking his problems out on you, and that’s never okay.
  7. Does he tend to place his phone face-down when you’re around or turn the screen away when you get too close? Does he leave the room to take calls where before he had no problem doing it in front of you? If he’s suddenly extremely private about his texts and calls, he may be distancing himself and already planning an exit. [18]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why do men pull away?
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Men are sensitive beings, and a lot of times in relationships men's emotions aren't dealt with, or they feel like they should be stoic or able to handle anything. A guy wants to around another person who makes him feel amazing, attractive, and intimate. If there's suddenly complaining or nitpicking in the relationship, he might pull away since he doesn't want to be around someone who makes him feel like he's not good enough.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 11 Helpful 31
  • Question
    Why is my boyfriend being distant all of a sudden?
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    He might feel like he's not being listened to, that his ideas are stupid, or that he's not allowed to express his of humor. Humor is one of the most important things a human can have—it's the way we express and deal with our pain and keep things light. If a partner isn't allowed to express that humor, they'll start to feel alienated and disconnected and have no choice but to withdraw.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201602/what-do-when-you-feel-someone-pulling-away
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201602/what-do-when-you-feel-someone-pulling-away
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/health/what-is-self-care
      5. ↑ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/04/19/overcoming-the-fear-of-intimacy/
      6. ↑ https://www.accph.org.uk/articles/how-to-overcome-the-fear-of-intimacy-460
      7. ↑ https://www.thesource.org/post/heres-what-compromise-looks-like-in-a-healthy-relationship
      8. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/applying-the-5-love-languages-to-healthy-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/introspection-self-reflection/
      1. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      2. ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/getting-over-breakup
      3. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/the-painful-truth-about-breakups/
      4. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/supporting-your-partner-through-transition/
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
      6. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/signs-your-relationship-is-over/
      7. ↑ https://mensline.org.au/relationship-advice-for-men/resolving-intimacy-problems-in-a-relationship/
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags
      9. ↑ https://www.mycwa.org.uk/identifying-red-flags

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