Cyndy Etler
Teen Life Coach
Cyndy Etler is a certified teen life coach and young adult author who divides her time between Providence, Rhode Island, and Charlotte, North Carolina. Cyndy has over two decades of experience working directly with teenagers and supporting adolescent social and emotional health. In 2012, Cyndy founded The Teen Life Coach and began offering support and coaching to struggling teens and their families. She has two published memoirs, Dead Inside (2017) and We Can’t Be Friends (2017). She is the narrator for Robert Downey Jr's troubled teen industry podcast The Sunshine Place, and her work has appeared on CNN, Newsday, NPR, and more. In 2017, she founded 1st Block Revolution, a program designed to counteract the school-to-prison pipeline by helping meet the needs of at-risk teens in the English classroom and supporting teachers. She is an in-demand speaker who previously taught high school English, special education, and English as a second language.
Education
- Magna cum laude from UMass Boston with a double-major bachelor's degree in English and American Studies
- UMass Boston for her Master of Education degree
Professional Achievements
- Internationally acclaimed, dual-certified teen life coach
- Draws from adolescent psychology and evidence-based strategies to help young adults create the changes they seek in their lives
- Has two award-winning young adult memoirs, Dead Inside and We Can't Be Friends, about her experiences as an abused, homeless, suicidal teen who spent 16 months locked up in the notoriously abusive troubled teen industry (TTI)
- Narrator of Robert Downey Jr's podcast, The Sunshine Place, which explores the history behind the TTI
- Featured on national television (The Doctors, Lifetime), NPR, and international print media, including The Guardian, The Boston Globe, CNN, Today, Newsweek, and HuffPost
- Regularly speaks at schools and conferences, sharing both her "homeless to Hollywood" life story and her strategies for quickly, easily connecting with teens
Certifications & Organizations
- International Coaching Federation (ICF) certified
- Youth Coaching Institute (YCI) certified
- Licensed to teach English, English as a second language, and special education, grades K-12
Favorite Piece of Advice
For teens: During adolescence, feeling accepted by peers is as essential as food and water. For this reason, many teens have a lot of anxiety about being liked, and try to be and do and talk in ways they think will make other teens accept them. The funny thing is, people are most drawn to others who are confident...and confidence comes from recognizing and feeling good about your own, unique traits, strengths, and interests. Long story short: people are most likely to like you if you know who YOU are, and let yourself feel proud of those traits. That confidence will draw people to you.
CONTRADICTORY ADVICE: If you want to talk to people but it feels hard, you can make anyone like you by showing interest in them, asking questions to learn more, and listening to their answers. Most people love to talk about themselves, and not many people love to hear about others. If you are that ONE person who likes to listen to people talk about themselves, you become everybody's favorite person!
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Forum Comments (6)
How Talk to Teens My Age
Okay, so you want to get more comfortable making friends and talking to teens your age! I’ll start with a strategy that I developed with a kid who had grown up internationally and was moving somewhere where they didn’t know anyone and didn’t speak the language well. They were introverted and didn’t know how they were going to make friends. What we tried together worked really well for them, and has worked for a lot of other kids since!
I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, “Ooh, they look like they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team they’re a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what they’re saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if they’re welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, you’ll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people you’re speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, don’t compliment a physical trait that doesn’t open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say “You have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, “Ooh, they look like they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team they’re a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what they’re saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if they’re welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, you’ll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people you’re speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, don’t compliment a physical trait that doesn’t open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say “You have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
how can I be less lonely? (recently started at a new school)
It sounds like it might be time to make some new friends at your current school. I’ll share a strategy that I developed with a kid who had grown up internationally and was moving somewhere where they didn’t know anyone and didn’t speak the language well. They were introverted and didn’t know how they were going to make friends. What we tried together worked really well for them, and has worked for a lot of other kids since!
I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, “Ooh, they look like they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team they’re a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what they’re saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if they’re welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, you’ll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people you’re speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, don’t compliment a physical trait that doesn’t open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say “You have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, “Ooh, they look like they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team they’re a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what they’re saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if they’re welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, you’ll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people you’re speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, don’t compliment a physical trait that doesn’t open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say “You have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
Help, I want to fit in!
Okay so first of all, you can employ a psychological strategy where you study other people and mirror their behaviors. You can try this while still being true to who you are, by the way. I've used this strategy with kids whose coaching goal was to become more popular or fit in better. I’ve asked them to go to school or work and pay attention to what’s around them. What are the kids wearing? What type of language or slang are they using, and what are they talking about? Are there social media creators they're talking about?
So, you study your surroundings. And the goal is not to just mimic people, because people pick up on when people are copying you, but instead to study the environment and notice what things about their environment are interesting to you or resonate with you. From there, you’ll have some ideas of things you can engage with them on and talk about!
Secondly, I would emphasize the importance of valuing one's own way of being. Generally, people are interested in what is unique and different because our brain craves novel stimulus. If you’ve been homeschooled, that means you’ve had a different experience than a lot of your peers at the pool, and that could make you interesting to them! Try to see yourself that way; think about how you have interesting insights to offer, you are a prize, you present novelty, and you have a valuable perspective.
If you see yourself that way and think to yourself, “I’m a prize because I'm different”, you are going to present with more natural confidence, which in turn will make people feel more drawn to you.
So, you study your surroundings. And the goal is not to just mimic people, because people pick up on when people are copying you, but instead to study the environment and notice what things about their environment are interesting to you or resonate with you. From there, you’ll have some ideas of things you can engage with them on and talk about!
Secondly, I would emphasize the importance of valuing one's own way of being. Generally, people are interested in what is unique and different because our brain craves novel stimulus. If you’ve been homeschooled, that means you’ve had a different experience than a lot of your peers at the pool, and that could make you interesting to them! Try to see yourself that way; think about how you have interesting insights to offer, you are a prize, you present novelty, and you have a valuable perspective.
If you see yourself that way and think to yourself, “I’m a prize because I'm different”, you are going to present with more natural confidence, which in turn will make people feel more drawn to you.
How to ask a girl out to prom?
In terms of how to ask her to prom, what I would do is try to orchestrate a conversation with her or with a group in a casual situation, like at the lunch table. You can say something like, “Oh my gosh! I saw this thing on TikTok where people were talking about the best prom invitations they've heard of. What would be the best way that somebody could invite you to prom?”, and then you try and get her or the group to respond. And if she gives an answer with an idea, then you'll know exactly what you should do to ask! You can also try to be more subtle by having a mutual friend ask them what they would like.
As far as my advice for actually asking them the question, whether it’s to ask them to prom or to be in a relationship, I have a little psychological trick that I've shared with many teens in this position. I recommend starting by saying “Hey, can I ask you something?”. And then if the person you want to ask you says “Yes”, they’ve already mentally opened up to the idea of a request. They’re in a calmer, more generous frame of mind and they’ve had a second to pause and process. Good luck!
As far as my advice for actually asking them the question, whether it’s to ask them to prom or to be in a relationship, I have a little psychological trick that I've shared with many teens in this position. I recommend starting by saying “Hey, can I ask you something?”. And then if the person you want to ask you says “Yes”, they’ve already mentally opened up to the idea of a request. They’re in a calmer, more generous frame of mind and they’ve had a second to pause and process. Good luck!
What are fun things to do with friends as a teen?
The first thing that jumps to mind is: don't be afraid to do the stuff that was fun when you were little! Teenagers have a lot of pressure on them to perform, so if they can give themselves permission to do whatever was fun for them as a little kid, it can really take them back to a much freer, easier time. If you’re a teen, try putting yourself out there and brainstorm with your friends. Ask them, “What did we love doing when we were really little? Let’s go out and do that!”
Another idea I have is to think about what the tourists do wherever you live, and then go out and do that stuff! It will be a fun change from the usual routine.
You can also ask yourself, “Okay, if I had a million bucks, if I won the lottery right now, what would I do?” And whatever you and your friends come up with, try and figure out a makeshift way you can go have that experience. If you would rent a big fancy boat and go on the lake … well, maybe you can go to the beach and bring fun activities and replicate your own version of that experience.
A local idea is to pool your money at the grocery store. Maybe you have 10 or 20 bucks between you. Divide it up between you and however many friends you're with, and then split up at the grocery store, and everybody has to find something weird for the group to try. Then you go have a picnic and enjoy the fun things you bought.
Finally, doing a local scavenger hunt or finding a deck of cards iwth different activities and challenges could be fun, too!
Another idea I have is to think about what the tourists do wherever you live, and then go out and do that stuff! It will be a fun change from the usual routine.
You can also ask yourself, “Okay, if I had a million bucks, if I won the lottery right now, what would I do?” And whatever you and your friends come up with, try and figure out a makeshift way you can go have that experience. If you would rent a big fancy boat and go on the lake … well, maybe you can go to the beach and bring fun activities and replicate your own version of that experience.
A local idea is to pool your money at the grocery store. Maybe you have 10 or 20 bucks between you. Divide it up between you and however many friends you're with, and then split up at the grocery store, and everybody has to find something weird for the group to try. Then you go have a picnic and enjoy the fun things you bought.
Finally, doing a local scavenger hunt or finding a deck of cards iwth different activities and challenges could be fun, too!
