How to Calm Down a Jealous Girlfriend

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Coping with a jealous girlfriend can be difficult. You may feel you're being unfairly scrutinized at all times. Work on reassuring your girlfriend in the moment by listening to her feelings and talking them over with her. From there, consider her perspective. There may be reasons she's more prone to jealousy. See if the two of you can work out the problem together as a couple. Remember, however, that if your girlfriend's jealousy becomes unreasonable, you may have to end the relationship.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Reassuring Your Girlfriend

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  1. When someone is feeling jealous, you want to let them express themselves. Even if the jealousy is baseless, do not tell your girlfriend she's being irrational. Allow her to tell you how she feels and listen in a non-judgmental manner. [1]
    • Remember, your girlfriend may very well know her jealousy is irrational; therefore, responding with something like, "Not this again," or, "You know you have nothing to worry about" is not a good means of deflecting jealousy.
    • Instead, allow her to discuss her insecurities frankly. Your girlfriend may be more willing to move past her insecurities if you allow her to talk to them through rather than cutting her off. You can even encourage her to share, by asking her something like, "Can you tell me what you're feeling insecure about right now?"
  2. You do not want to tell your girlfriend not to feel what she's feeling. If your girlfriend is being jealous, your natural inclination may be to get defensive; however, this will not help diffuse the situation.
    • Instead of responding defensively, show your girlfriend she is heard. Do not, for example, say something like, "You know Melissa is just a friend."
    • Show your girlfriend you're hearing what she's saying, even if you don't agree with it. For example, "I understand you feel a little threatened by my close friendship with Melissa."
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  3. Oftentimes, another person's jealousy can cause you to retreat. If your girlfriend is being jealous, you may get frustrated and feel she's being unfair; however, keep things open. Respond to what she's saying, even if it's frustrating. If you shut out someone who's feeling jealous, this will make the problem worse.
    • Resist the urge to retreat or ignore your girlfriend when she's being jealous. Even if her accusations are unreasonable, remind yourself you need to let her speak. If necessary, take a few deep breaths.
  4. "I"-statements are statements made in a way that deflects blame. You focus on your own feelings about a situation rather than making an objective judgment. After your girlfriend has expressed herself, calmly address the situation using "I"-statements. [2]
    • "I"-statements have three parts. They begin with "I feel..." after which you immediately state your feelings. From there, you explain the behavior that led to that feeling. Lastly, you say why you feel the way you do.
    • For example, "I feel frustrated when you interrogate me about spending time with Melissa because I want to be able to see my female friends on occasion."
  5. Oftentimes, jealous people have underlying insecurities. Instead of responding to jealousy with anger, reassure your girlfriend how much you value her. Remind her that you love and care.
    • For example, say something like, "I get that it must be weird for you that I'm friends with my ex but she's my ex for a reason. I really love you, and really cherish our relationship."
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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  1. An open dialogue about the roots of jealousy can help you both overcome the problem. When your girlfriend is feeling jealousy, try to ask her directly about her fears. If your girlfriend is able to talk through her fears about the relationship, she will be better able to overcome them. [3]
    • Ask your girlfriend what she feels insecure about in the relationship, or in general. This may explain why she feels jealous.
    • People feel jealous for a variety of reasons. Your girlfriend may be afraid of losing you. She may also simply fear being left out. Ask your girlfriend something like, "What exactly are you afraid is going to happen when you get jealous?"
  2. Identify if you are experiencing trust issues or jealousy. Though the end result may look the same — possessive, paranoid, controlling, etc. — trust issues are actually very different from jealousy. Jealousy is envy that comes about through comparison and is likely unfounded, while a trust issue is usually something that has developed due to a partner's behavior or is rooted in past experiences. For instance, if you cheated on your girlfriend in the past and she gets upset when you spend one-on-one time with another girl, this is not jealousy. She is experiencing trust issues because of choices that you made. Dealing with jealousy is different than dealing with trust issues.
    • Ask yourself if you have done anything to cause your girlfriend to be mistrustful. Have you cheated in the past? Do you have a history of lying to her?
    • Trust issues may relate to her personal history as well. Think about things like your girlfriend's family. People who did not have strong ties growing up tend to be more jealous, as they're more nervous about losing their partner.
    • If you have trust issues in the relationship and not jealousy issues, consider speaking with a couple's counselor and encourage your girlfriend to seek individual therapy to work through these issues if they are due to previous relationships.
    • Notice if what you say and the way you act are in alignment. If you find that you don't back up your words with your actions, you can use this new awareness to make sure you start doing the things you say you will do.
    • Be honest, straightforward, compassionate, and assertive when communicating with your girlfriend. Tell her what you want from an open relationship and be willing to listen to what she wants, too.
    • If the relationship is built on trust and your girlfriend still gets very jealous, then she needs to work on developing more self-esteem and dealing with her own insecurities.
  3. Once you've evaluated the relationship, keep what you've learned in mind when dealing with your girlfriend's jealousy. When your girlfriend becomes jealous in a situation, remind yourself of the root of her jealousy. Do not become defensive. [4]
    • Instead of getting angry, try to remember why your girlfriend is jealous. For example, you can think something to yourself like, "I know Maddie is being unreasonable, but a lot of her exes have cheated on her."
    • Do not become defensive. Remember to empathize with your girlfriend. Try to talk to her calmly and offer to help solve the problem. For example, say something like, "What can I do to help you calm down?"
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Addressing Underlying Issues

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  1. There may be certain things you're doing that trigger your girlfriend's jealousy. While you can't completely cater your behavior to her insecurities, there may be certain behaviors you can tone down in her presence. [5]
    • Ask your girlfriend something like, "Is there anything I do that makes you feel jealous?" See if there's a way you can help her feel more secure in moments where you inadvertently trigger her insecurity.
    • For example, your girlfriend may sometimes feel jealous if you make plans with friends and do not invite her. You can try explaining to her that you sometimes need time alone with your friends, and this has nothing to do with how you feel about her. You can agree to remind her how much you value her when you make plans without her.
  2. Remember, jealousy can be very damaging to a relationship long-term. After listening to your girlfriend, you need to state your needs. She needs to take responsibly for her actions as well. Tell her how her jealousy affects you. [6]
    • Say so gently. You do not want to provoke an argument. Say something like, "I know you don't like that I'm friends with Melissa, but I've known her since I was 12 and she was 10. I feel controlled when you don't want me to spend time with her because I value the relationship a lot."
    • Be clear with your girlfriend about what you are and are not willing to do to reassure her. For example, you can agree to text her more often when you're out with friends; however, let her know you're not going to put up with her calling or checking in on you every five minutes.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Know that some jealousy is normal, but it shouldn't control your life. Watch for red flags from your girlfriend, like constant suspicion or attempts to limit your activities. Talk to her calmly about the impact of her actions and consider seeking professional help together for additional guidance.

  3. [7] Jealousy is often the result of insecurity. Building up your girlfriend's self esteem can help ease some of her jealousy. Instead of getting angry when your girlfriend gets jealous, encourage her to work on bettering herself.
    • Allow your girlfriend to pursue her passions. Respond excitedly when she tries something new and pushes herself out of her comfort zone.
    • Compliment her regularly. Let her know if you think she looks great in a new outfit, for example.
  4. Jealousy is a normal part of most relationships; however, jealousy can easily cross the line into unacceptable. You do not want to remain in a relationship with an unreasonably jealous partner, so learn to recognize the signs of over-the-top jealousy. [8]
    • Does your girlfriend use jealousy to control you? Some people will use jealousy as an excuse for unreasonable demands. Your girlfriend may, for example, use her jealousy to keep you from seeing friends or loved ones.
    • Unreasonable accusations are also a sign of over-the-top jealousy. Does your girlfriend accuse you of cheating without evidence? Is she constantly checking up on you or going through your stuff?
    • If you believe your girlfriend is unreasonably jealous, seriously evaluate whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.
  5. [9] Remember, you cannot control someone else's emotions. Know what your limits are. If your girlfriend's jealousy is pushing you over your limits, it's okay to walk away from the relationship. [10]
    • If your girlfriend is draining you emotionally, this is not fair to either one of you. If you feel like you're, say, answering insecure texts for days on end, it's okay to take a break from the relationship or end things altogether.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I calm down when I feel jealous?
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Try talking it over with friends and family members you trust. They may be able to help you work through your feelings.
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  • Question
    What makes a girl jealous in a relationship?
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
    Lisa Shield
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    It's possible she's not feeling confident about herself or that she doesn't have enough self-esteem.
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      Tips

      • When dealing with a jealous girlfriend, it is important to insist on tackling the issue, even if she seems to be reluctant. The problem will never disappear on its own.
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      • Remember you have to know your own limits. It's acceptable to try to help your girlfriend overcome jealousy; however, you're entitled to your own social life and experiences. If your girlfriend cannot let you live your own life, you may have to end the relationship.
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      References

      1. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      2. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199203/romantic-jealousy
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200402/advice-his-jealous-heart
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200402/advice-his-jealous-heart
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200402/advice-his-jealous-heart
      7. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      8. ↑ https://assets.campbell.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/22122329/characteristics-of-unhealthy-romantic-relationships.pdf
      9. ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201104/five-ways-kick-the-jealousy-habit

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To calm down your jealous girlfriend, try to show her that you understand her point of view by saying something like, “I understand you feel a little threatened by my close friendship with Melissa.” Or, if you’re confused by her reaction, calmly ask her to explain how she feels so she knows you want to understand her. Once she’s calmed down a bit, let her know how her jealousy makes you feel so you both understand each other. Try to use I-statements so she doesn’t feel like you’re attacking her. For instance, say, “I feel a little upset when you interrogate me about spending time with Melissa because it feels like you don’t trust me.” You can also reassure her that you love her and don’t want to be with anyone else to give her peace of mind. For more tips from our co-author, including how to encourage your jealous girlfriend to work on her self esteem, read on!

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