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It can be hard to know if you're prepared and ready for a real and serious relationship. It's even harder if you just broke up with your ex, or are just starting dating. It is important to make sure you truly are ready before entering into a serious romantic relationship.
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Consider your motives. If you are a teenager, you may not have ever wanted a "real" relationship, then all of a sudden everyone is dating, and you think you should be, too. If this sounds like you, take a step back. Remember that dating is not a competition. Real emotions and real people are a part of romantic relationships, and you don't want to jump into a relationship just because all your friends are. [1] X Research source
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Be aware of what a relationship demands. Teens and young adults are ready for relationships at different times depending on maturity. In order to be in a healthy romantic relationship you must recognize what you have to be ready to give. Healthy dating relationships consist of some of the same elements as other relationships (e.g. friendships, family, etc.). However, with dating relationships, it can be easy to get caught up in the other person and neglect friends or activities. Consider the following key components to healthy relationships: [2] X Research source [3] X Research source
- Feeling comfortable expressing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, or dreams
- Being considerate of the other person's thoughts, feelings, and opinions
- Treating one another with respect
- Offering support to the other
- Avoiding violence
- Being able to resolve conflicts
- Trusting each other
- Comforting one another
- Being able to confide in one another
- Communicating directly and openly
- Encouraging the other to have friends and other interests
- Being honest about past relationships or sexual activity
- Participating in sexual activity by choice
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Question whether you enjoy the person’s company. This may seem obvious but you surely don’t want to get involved in a relationship with a person you don’t like to hang out with. Usually, when couples are "in love", they want to be together for hours on end and dread parting. [4] X Research source While your love symptoms may not be that strong, you should still look forward to the time you spend with this person.
- Take note that, while you can be excited about spending time with your partner and saddened when they leave, there is a line drawn that can make this behavior obsessive or codependent. A codependent relationship means you frequently give up your needs or interests in favor of your partner's, or always want to be with this particular person only. If you spot such a pattern in yourself, you need professional help to learn how to form healthier attachments.
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Decide if you want to take a sexual relationship further. To know if you should be starting a relationship, it’s important to determine how much you actually care about this person. Maybe you have been hooking up with someone, but don't know if you want to keep it this way or take on the title of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".
- Signs that you are interested in upgrading a sexual relationship may include having fun together and spending time that is not sexual in nature, having absorbing and thrilling conversations, being encouraged to improve yourself because of the other person, and wanting to know more about them – including meeting their friends and family. [5] X Research source
- Signs that you want the relationship to stay in the "sexual" category may include only being lovers with no friendship element, having a greater interest in sex than quality time or conversation, being consumed in the person’s physical appearance, and keeping a wall up in which you discuss things in terms of fantasy rather than real feelings, opinions, and dreams. [6] X Research source
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Ask yourself if you are okay with being exclusive. [7] X Expert Source Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 15 March 2019. Another way to know if you are ready for a serious relationship is your commitment to just one person. You like the person you are dating so much that you can’t imagine seeing him with another girl or having another make him bowl over laughing. The desire for exclusivity is often a major indicator of the beginnings of a romantic relationship. [8] X Research source- Be warned: extreme possessiveness, jealousy, or controlling are not elements of a healthy love relationship. Yes, you and your partner should want to turn away other suitors, but pushing away friends and losing your head if they talk to someone else is a red flag and an unhealthy attachment, or even abuse. [9] X Research source
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Know how to handle, and dish out, rejection in a mature way. At the start of a relationship, the last thing on your mind is the end. However, when dating, particularly in teenage years, you have to be prepared with the possibility of rejection. Your date may find someone else they like, or you may lose your interest in being in a relationship. Can you appropriately respond to rejection? What about rejecting another, can you let someone down in a nice, firm way?
- When rejected, it's okay to feel sad, disappointed, or angry (or any other emotion). Feeling this way is normal. However, use these feelings positively. Be nice to yourself rather than making yourself feel even worse with negative criticism. Make an effort to remember all the good qualities you have. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to be vulnerable in the first place. Then, use what you learned from this situation to improve yourself and your relationships in the future. [10] X Research source
- When having to break up or reject someone, think through the conversation beforehand. Carefully go over your reasons and decide how to share them in a respectful way. Always break up face-to-face. For example, tell your date that you need to talk to him/her about something important. Initiate the conversation by saying something you like about the person. Next, explain what's not working and that you want to break up. Tell the person that you are sorry to hurt him/her. Finally, respect the other person's need for space. [11] X Research source
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Practice self-love. [12] X Expert Source Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 15 March 2019. To be ready for a relationship, you must have a healthy relationship with yourself first. When you love yourself first, you understand and honor your values and needs. This makes you more stable for potential relationship.- Perform self-care regularly, taking part in activities that make you feel good and relieve stress. Examples may include reading a book, walking your dog, or participating in a hobby.
- Make decisions based on needs rather than wants. Choose to take advantage of opportunities and be around people that honor your values and needs. [13] X Research source
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Know your boundaries. Before you enter a relationship, you want to think about what you are willing to do or how far you are willing to go. You want to think about things like this beforehand as it can be easy to get swept up when you're in the middle of hooking up and your date is pleading with you to take things further. You must feel comfortable telling your date what you want and don't want, and also not feel scared to say "stop" if it becomes necessary.
- Setting boundaries allows you to feel safe within your relationship knowing that you stand behind doing things at your own pace. By setting limits, you are supporting your own needs and values emotionally, mentally, and physically. [14] X Research source
- Reader Poll: We asked 753 wikiHow readers who've struggled to find independence in their relationship, and 61% of them agreed the biggest hurdle was meeting their own emotional needs. [Take Poll]
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Want someone to complement you, not complete you. In terms of relationships, two halves do not form a whole. Rather, two whole, healthy people come together to form a greater whole. Looking for someone to complete you is a recipe for a dysfunctional, codependent relationship. You are ready to be in a healthy relationship with another person when you already see yourself as a complete. As a result, you are looking for a partner who complements all that you have to offer. [15] X Research source [16] X Research source
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Have your own interests. [17] X Expert Source Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 15 March 2019. A surefire sign of disaster is being more concerned with finding a partner or being in love than you are in pursuing your goals and desires. Healthy relationships involve two partners who have the freedom and trust within each other to engage in hobbies and activities individually (and also together), hanging out with friends without your mate being there, and supporting one another in achieving your dreams. [18] X Research source -
Recognize that the early flame will burn out. The honeymoon phase is the early days in the relationship when you two seem to agree on everything, every word that comes out of your date’s mouth is funny or charming, and the attraction is undeniable. You must prepare for this period to end sooner or later. Assuming this amazing feeling of chemistry and “newness” will last can lead to disappointment when it doesn’t.
- An emotionally stable partner realizes that not every day with your partner will be peaches and cream. The two of you will disagree and even annoy one another. Going into the relationship with a realistic outlook and expectations can sometimes prevent a crash and burn in the end. [19] X Research source
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Think carefully before rebounding. Rebounding is a concept defined by initiating a new relationship soon after another has ended, without waiting for the emotional pain and confusion to be resolved. In some cases, you may rebound after a relationship ends to avoid being single, get revenge on the old partner, or to have someone else comfort you through the difficult time.
- Contrary to old wives' tales about getting back out there too soon being the cause for relationship doom, research shows that people who are able to start new relationships in a shorter amount of time have enhanced well-being and higher self-esteem. [20] X Research source
- Still, you should carefully question your motives before starting a rebound relationship. Are you doing it to get back at your ex? Are you constantly comparing your new date to your old date? If so, you may want to give yourself time to completely get over them first.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I know if I'm not ready for a relationship?Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.It might be a sign you're not ready if you still feel like you can't trust the other person or if you have trouble communicating with them. You should always start your relationship being open and honest with each other.
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Warnings
- The key to starting a healthy and thriving relationship is two people going into the relationship who are already thriving on their own. If you have unresolved issues with a previous partner or a tendency to lose yourself in a relationship, you should talk to a counselor before getting involved again.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/dating/
- ↑ http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/healthy/index.html
- ↑ http://depts.washington.edu/livewell/advocate/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ http://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 15 March 2019.
- ↑ http://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/rejection.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
- ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 15 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
- ↑ http://personalexcellence.co/blog/singlehood/
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-people-who-feel-complete-on-their-own-have-stronger-relationships/
- ↑ Elvina Lui, MFT. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 15 March 2019.
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/201409/making-relationships-last-past-the-honeymoon-period
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201405/can-rebound-relationship-be-the-real-deal
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