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Everything you need to handle the relationship with tact and respect
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You may find yourself in a relationship with someone who has less sexual experience than you. If your partner is a virgin and you are not, it's very important to understand boundaries early on. Be respectful of your partner's needs and wants, work on establishing firm boundaries, and explore ways to be intimate beyond sexual activity.
Steps
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Learn your partner's expectations. If you're going into a relationship with someone who's never had sex, you'll want to learn your partner's expectations. Everyone has different feelings about sex and sexuality. You should understand your partner's expectations for a romantic relationship, including expectations regarding physical contact.
- Your partner may be a virgin because he or she practices abstinence. Abstinence means refraining from sexual activity. Your partner may be abstinent because of religious reasons. He or she may also be abstinent because they don’t feel ready to have sex yet. [1] X Research source
- If your partner is practicing abstinence, understand their expectations. People define abstinence in different ways. Some people define abstinence as refraining from genital-to-genital contact and may be open to other forms of sexual activity. However, others define abstinence more strictly. Ask your partner what they expect in terms of physical contact regarding the relationship. [2] X Research source
- Your partner may also be asexual. Asexuality means your partner does not experience sexual attraction or desire. Unlike people who practice abstinence, asexuality is not a choice. It is part of someone's inherent identity and sexual orientation. People who are asexual may experience feelings of attraction without feeling the need to act on those feelings. Many people who are asexual engage in romantic relationships as they have an emotional need for intimacy. However, an asexual person may not want sexual activity to be part of a romantic relationship. If your partner is asexual, he or she may have specific expectations regarding sex in your relationship. Make sure you have a discussion about those expectations going into the relationship. [3] X Research source
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Listen to your partner. When discussing sex, virginity, and relationship expectations, make sure to listen your partner. You want to make sure you understand what your partner needs and wants out of your relationship. Therefore, practice active listening when discussing expectations with your partner.
- Active listening is a manner of listening designed to promote mutual understanding. When listening actively, give your partner your full attention. Use non-verbal cues, like nodding on occasion, to show you are listening. Focus on what your partner is saying rather than formulating your next response in your mind.
- Repeat your partner's words back when they finish talking. You want to make sure you are completely understanding of what is being said. If you misinterpreted something, your partner can help clarify for you.
- If you are not a virgin and your partner is, it's important to listen. Your partner may feel intimidated by your sexual history as things may feel unbalanced to them. You want to make it clear you respect the fact your partner is a virgin and want them to feel as comfortable as possible in the relationship.
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Respect your partner's needs regarding privacy. Talking about sexual history can be complicated. While you may feel curious about certain aspects of your partner's past, they may not want to share everything with you. Boundaries in a relationship are personal and subjective.
- Your partner may not want to answer certain questions regarding their virginity. Conversely, if you have a sexual history, your partner may be uncomfortable hearing about it. While communication is important, if your partner is not comfortable with certain topics, be respectful.
- Do not push your partner to have a particular discussion prematurely. Allow the relationship to progress at a pace that's comfortable for both of you. [4] X Research source
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Do not push your partner out of their comfort zone. If your partner is a virgin, physical intimacy may come slowly. It's vital that you respect your partner's wants and needs. Even if you're eager to get physically intimate, make sure you do not push your partner to engage in any form of physical contact before they are ready. Always ask your partner if something is okay before engaging in a new form of physical intimacy. Be respectful of the answer your partner gives. If the answer is no, stop.
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Be open about expectations regarding physical contact. It can be awkward to discuss physical contact and sexual needs. However, it's better to have a discussion early on rather than inadvertently doing or saying something that makes your partner uncomfortable. At the beginning of the relationship, take efforts to be upfront. [5] X Research source Try to be open about expectations regarding sex and physical contact.
- Know when and if your partner would be open to having sex. Your partner may not feel ready for a physical relationship at this stage in their life. They may also want to wait until marriage to engage in sex. If you're dating a virgin, sex may not be a part of your relationship in the immediate future. Understand this going into the relationship.
- Understand what kind of physical contact your partner would enjoy. People who abstain from sex may enjoy kissing, hand holding, cuddling, and other light forms of physical contact. Your partner may also be open to more intimate forms of sex play, like mutual masturbation or oral sex. [6] X Research source
- You should also be very clear on what your partner does not enjoy. It can be awkward to pause in the moment to discuss boundaries. If there is a form of physical contact that is off the table, ask your partner to be upfront about this right away. Say something like, "I understand you're a virgin. I want to know where the line is. What forms of physical contact are you not okay with?" You want to make sure you do not inadvertently make your partner uncomfortable during a moment of intimacy. [7] X Research source
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Write lists. This may sound overly formal, but many people find lists helpful in terms of establishing healthy boundaries. You can find checklists online which detail a variety of sexual activity or sex play. You and your partner can check off what on the list is okay. You can also simply ask your partner to make a list of what types of physical contact and activity they would be comfortable with and what types of activities are unacceptable. This can be an effective way to know concrete boundaries and avoid any confusion in terms of physical contact. [8] X Research source
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Take things slow. If your partner is a virgin, they may need to ease into physical contact with you. Be willing to go at your partner's pace. Physical intimacy does not need to happen quickly for you to feel happy and fulfilled in a romantic relationship. If your partner is less sexually experienced than you, it might be better to let them decide when to move things forward physically. [9] X Research source
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Communicate throughout the course of the relationship. When a relationship progresses, physical boundaries and expectations may change. Your partner may feel comfortable becoming more intimate at a certain point in the relationship. Conversely, there may be certain forms of physical contact you or your partner enjoy less as time goes on. Therefore, keep communication open throughout the relationship.
- Periodically reconsider boundaries. Return to the checklists you made earlier in the relationship and see if you're both still comfortable with the activities you checked. [10] X Research source
- You should talk to your partner during moments of physical intimacy. Throughout physical contact, ask questions like, "Is this okay?" and "Does this feel good?" You want to make sure your partner feels safe and comfortable with you. [11] X Research source
- Talk to your partner about the need for communication. On occasion, say something to your partner like, "If you ever want to do something different physically, I want you to feel comfortable letting me know." As stated, some people simply do not feel ready to have sex. It's possible that, at some point in the future, your partner may be open to a sexual relationship. They will likely feel more comfortable engaging in sex for the first time if they know the two of you can discuss things like safe sex, STI status, and birth control beforehand.
- Reader Poll: We asked 217 wikiHow readers about how they’d handle the topic of intimacy in their relationship, and 59% of them agreed that they’d openly communicate about their needs . [Take Poll]
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1Take things slowly if you do decide to be intimate. If your partner decides that they're ready to lose their virginity to you, it's important to take sex slowly. Take your time during foreplay to ensure you're both physically and emotionally ready before the actual act, and remember that sex is more about the journey than just the release. [12] X Expert Source JT Tran
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.- Don't put too much pressure on expecting the first time to be perfect. Remember, the more comfortable you both are, the better the experience will be.
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Explore alternative means of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is important to a romantic relationship. If your partner is a virgin, you may struggle to feel close to them. You also want to make sure sexual desires in a relationship are mutually fulfilled. Talk to your partner about alternatives to penetrative sex.
- Kissing can be a very sexually stimulating, especially if you kiss your partner on sensitive areas like the neck and the ears. If your partner is not ready to have sex, you can both gain some sexual pleasure from simple kissing. [13] X Research source
- You can also touch your partner in sexually sensitive areas. The breasts, the penis, and the clitoris are all very sensitive body parts. If your partner is open to it, you may enjoy sexual touching instead of actual intercourse. Oral sex can also be a pleasurable activity for you and your partner. However, keep in mind if your partner is abstinent due to moral or religious, reasons they may consider oral sex a form of sex. [14] X Research source
- Mutual masturbation is another alternative to sex. This is where you and your partner masturbate together. This can be an arousing form of sex play that does not involve physical contact with your partner. [15] X Research source
- There are a variety of forms of sexual contact and sex play you can engage in without having penetrative sex. The best way to figure out what works for you and your partner is to discuss and explore your options together.
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Talk to your partner about porn and erotica. Many couples find watching porn or reading erotica together an intimate, arousing experience. This can also help you get a sense of what your partner finds arousing. If you have sex at some point in the future, it can be helpful to know what turns your partner on. Talk to your partner about watching pornography or reading erotica together. You can feel intimate with your partner as the two of you can explore your sexual desires together. [16] X Research source
- Keep in mind not everyone is comfortable watching pornography or reading erotica. Remember to be respectful if your partner does not want to participate in this activity.
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Establish emotional intimacy. Physical contact is not the only route to intimacy. Becoming emotionally intimate is very important in a successful relationship. Talking, listening, enjoying one another's company, and sharing thoughts and feelings can help establish emotional intimacy. [17] X Research source
- Talk to your partner. Engage in activities like long walks, long phone calls, and late night conversations. Go out to a coffee shop for a few hours and simply converse. Be willing to be vulnerable and share with your partner.
- Meet your partner's emotional needs. If your partner needs to talk to you after a hard day, try to give them your full attention. Provide comfort when necessary. Sometimes, it can be hard to figure out how to best comfort someone. People respond differently to different kinds of feedback and comfort. It can be helpful to ask your partner something like, "What can I do to make you feel better right now?"
- Emotional intimacy takes time to establish. The best way to be emotionally intimate is to simply spend a lot of time together. Make time to talk to your partner every day.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I be more confident if I am a virgin?JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.If you're not as experienced as your partner, remember that the sexual tension is more important than just the sexual release. Spend plenty of time on foreplay, and try to just enjoy the journey.
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Warnings
- If you have already had sex and your partner has not, the relationship dynamic can feel unbalanced. If you're unsure if you can handle the dynamic, it may be best to end the relationship.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence
- ↑ http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=overview.html
- ↑ http://sexetc.org/info-center/post/draw-the-line-setting-healthy-relationship-boundaries/
- ↑ http://sexetc.org/info-center/post/draw-the-line-setting-healthy-relationship-boundaries/
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence
- ↑ http://sexetc.org/info-center/post/draw-the-line-setting-healthy-relationship-boundaries/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/12/discussing-sexual-desires/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/talking-about-sex/
- ↑ http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/talking-about-sex/
- ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.thehealthsite.com/sexual-health/non-penetrative-sex-foreplay-mutual-masturbation-oral-sex-and-more-48637/
- ↑ https://www.thehealthsite.com/sexual-health/non-penetrative-sex-foreplay-mutual-masturbation-oral-sex-and-more-48637/
- ↑ https://www.thehealthsite.com/sexual-health/non-penetrative-sex-foreplay-mutual-masturbation-oral-sex-and-more-48637/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/12/discussing-sexual-desires/
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you’re dating a virgin, try to take things slow and communicate with your partner about their boundaries and needs. If they’re comfortable talking about it, ask your partner about why they’re a virgin. How you approach the situation will depend on whether they’re purposefully abstaining from sex, if they just haven’t had the opportunity before, or if they’re uncomfortable with physical intimacy. The more you communicate with your partner and understand their needs, the easier your relationship will be. Regardless of the reason for their virginity, let them take things at their pace and always check if they’re comfortable with any physical intimacy. Take the time to get to know them better and work on your communication skills. For more tips, including how to be physically intimate without having sex with your partner, read on!
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