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Seeing your parents argue is a hard experience to deal with, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself from the conflict. Dealing with your parents fighting may also include talking to them directly or with a professional counselor to help them understand how their fighting affects you. You also can take steps to begin coping with going through this. In any case, it's important to remember that even though you may feel helpless, you are able to do something, but it's also not your responsibility to keep the peace and their fights aren't your fault either.
Do your parents fight a lot? Does their fighting get really intense? Seeing your parents argue is a hard experience to deal with, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself from the conflict, help them understand how they are affecting you, and cope with the aftermath of an argument.
Steps
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Remain neutral. You don’t want to become the focus of the argument. Avoid taking sides and try not to participate at all; it’s not your job to referee.
- If a parent tries to drag you into an argument, be honest and say that you don’t want to choose sides. This is your right.
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Find a safe place in your home. It’s important to have a sanctuary you can retreat to if the fighting stresses you out. Having a place to go will spare you from having to see and hear these intense exchanges. Here are some different options to consider:
- Hang out in the backyard if you have one.
- Go to your room if it’s private and you can’t hear them fighting.
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Go to someone else's home. If you don't have a safe spot in your own home, go somewhere else. Try a neighbor that you're close to. You can also try another family member or a friend, if they're in walking/bicycling distance, or if you drive.
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Watch your favorite movie or listen to music. If you can’t leave the house, at least keep yourself occupied so you don’t have to witness the fighting. Something with volume you can turn up may be your best option. Use headphones if you have them. Additional things you can do:
- Finish homework. Use the opportunity to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.
- Read a book, especially if the noise level is low or you can wear headphones.
- Play video games. These can be great to take your mind off the argument.
- If you don't have access to headphones, you can cover yourself in a heap of blankets to go to sleep. It'll make the fight go by faster without you having to deal with a lot of it.
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Avoid blaming yourself. Even if your parents sometimes argue ‘’about’’ you, avoid thinking that you’re the cause of the dispute. You can’t ‘’make’’ them fight, they choose to do it based on ways of interacting they’ve learned in the past. Nothing you do is enough to force them into having an argument.
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Have your own healthy relationships. One great way to protect yourself from the stress of parents fighting is to develop your own relationships. Research shows that strong social support is good news for your health. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source It's even possible to develop positive relationships if your parents haven't been the greatest role models. It may take a little work, but as long as you focus on important aspects like communication and trust-building, you can escape the cycle of harmful relationships:
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Learn to deal with divorced or separated parents. If your parents are separated or divorced, there are steps you can take to make their fighting easier on yourself, such as:
- Ask your parents to consider your feelings. Divorce and separation can really shake up your life. When it comes to who you're spending time with, where you're staying, what school you're going to, and other issues, ask your parents to include you in the discussion. [2] X Research source
- Avoid worrying about the divorce itself that much. The main source of harm for you is parental conflict, regardless of whether your parents are divorced or not. [3] X Research source Spend your energy dealing with the conflict.
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Tell your parents it hurts to see them fight. Sometimes parents don’t even realize the effect they have on their kids. Be sure to express your feelings to your parents when the argument is over. Avoid bringing it up during the argument, which may only make things worse if they feel guilty. They may also blame the other parent if emotions are high.
- Try to be calm while expressing yourself. Avoid egging them on or trying to guilt trip them. Your aim is to help them understand what you’re feeling so they will reconsider their actions. You're not trying to get payback.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Create the right setting for difficult family conversations. If you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, schedule it for a time and place free of distractions. Find a time where you can all talk to each other respectfully without any interferences.
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Educate them about the effects of fighting. Research shows that bitter disputes between parents can impair the emotional development of children. Psychologists have known for years that a secure attachment between parent and child is important for healthy development. Recent research suggests that perceived security between caregivers is also significant. Unresolved conflict between parents can cause anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
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Ask them to learn about good and bad fighting. Some disagreements are natural and may help to solve problems. Other kinds of fighting hurt everyone involved, damaging relationships and creating feelings of insecurity. Here are the characteristics of different kinds of fighting:
- Good: compromise. Good fights end with people agreeing to do something differently in order to make things better. For example, if they think dinner should start at different times, they can compromise by choosing a new time that they can both agree on.
- Good: positive statements despite having a difference of opinion. Disagreeing doesn’t have to mean disliking each other or not appreciating things about each other. For example, one of your parents might say, “I’m angry that you forgot to take out the trash, but you normally do a good job helping out around the house.”
- Bad: personal insults. For example, name-calling and insulting each other’s ability to be a good parent/partner are harmful ways to handle conflict.
- Bad: stonewalling, or refusing to acknowledge the other person. The silent treatment can be just as bad as yelling, because it leaves unresolved tension in the air and teaches poor communication skills. [4] X Research source
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Suggest they argue in private. This reasonable request can help spare you from the emotionally damaging impact of your parents' arguments. Your parents fighting in front of you disrupts the stability of your home environment. It also teaches you that it’s okay to engage in “bad fighting” with people as a way of trying to resolve conflict. [5] X Research source
- Tell your parents that it would be less painful for you if they took arguments to their room or another private place.
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Mention couples counseling or family therapy. Parents who have difficulty expressing their needs without engaging in “bad fighting” can benefit from seeing a professional therapist. Couples counseling can help people address many different issues they may be having, such as: [6] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Communication difficulties and not understanding each other.
- Practical issues such as finances.
- Conflicts about how to raise children.
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Understand that some fighting is normal. There's actually nothing wrong with having a disagreement. Expressing differences of opinion is healthy in a relationship. Bottling emotions up can cause more damage in the long-run than the occasional dispute. Fights only become problems when they happen consistently and the emotions involved are really intense. As long as your parents make up after fights and don't have them too often, you probably don't have anything to worry about.
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Get support from an older sibling or friend. It's important to have sources of support other than your parents, who may be too tired or frustrated after a fight to comfort you and explain what's going on. If you're close to an older sibling, approach him or her and ask if you can talk about your parents arguing. Tell your older sibling if you're worried about anything in particular, such as a potential divorce or one of your parents being hurt. If you have a close friend that you trust, you can approach him or her as well. They may not be able to fix the problem for you, but if he or she is a good friend then they will listen and be there for you.
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Talk to your school counselor. School counselors are trained to deal with personal problems such as coping with parents fighting. They are at your disposal if you attend a school that has one. You don't have to tell them anything you don't want. You can say that you're dealing with family conflict and need someone to talk to about it. If you're not sure how to get in touch with your school counselor, or if your school even has one, ask one of your teachers.
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Avoid jumping to conclusions. It's common to worry about your parents' relationship if you see them having an intense fight. Not all disputes lead to splitting up, though. A lot of the time, fighting has more to do with having a bad day and being frustrated than anything serious. Everyone loses their cool now and then, but it doesn't always mean that something bad is going to happen. [7] X Trustworthy Source FamilyDoctor.org Family-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family Doctors Go to source If you're worried, you can bring this up with your parents and ask them to reassure you.
- Parents may fight over personal habits like cleanliness, financial spending, and other details of daily life. Even if it gets heated, these kinds of disputes are common and can be a healthy way to let off steam.
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Let off your own steam. It's okay to be angry at your parents for fighting. As their child, you may feel like it's their responsibility to keep you safe and away from harm. If they have intense fights, it's normal to feel unsafe and frustrated. Here are some activities you can do to channel this anger:
- Play sports. Anger can actually be useful in something like football or baseball. Use that extra energy to push toward the end zone or hit a home run. Violence doesn't help, though, so don't take it out on the other players. [8] X Research source
- Open up about your frustration. This can be done with any of the people mentioned earlier: parents, siblings, friends, or counselors. Research suggests that commonly recommended techniques like "punching a pillow" don't actually work, but exploring your feelings with someone who can help you process them is a more effective kind of venting. [9] X Research source
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Tips
- Never ever take sides. This could cause tension or conflict between you and your parents.Thanks
- Know that it is not your fault. Adults communicate in ways that can seem frightening but this is between them and you should not feel that you did anything wrong.Thanks
- Try to play music or something with sound and wear headphones so you don't hear the conversation.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, you can let one or both of your parents know that their fighting is hurting you. If you think they might retaliate, however, you shouldn't tell them directly, but maybe get help from a relative or another trusted adult.
- Sometimes parents fight, so if it seems like a small argument over nothing serious it will likely blow over soon. But if things start to get dangerous, violent, or scary, keep yourself safe and remove yourself from the situation if you need to.
- When your parents cool off a little, you can try kindly and gently asking what's wrong. Don't ask when your parents are busy, like when they are making dinner or doing chores. Be prepared for them to not want to talk about it with you as well.
- Try to think of the positives instead of the negatives. Stay calm and remind yourself everything's going to be OK.
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Warnings
- If your parents are hurting each other physically, contact an adult you trust and ask them for help. If the violence is bad, call emergency services.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2729718/
- ↑ http://youngwomenshealth.org/2012/04/30/divorce/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200911/divorce-doesnt-harm-children-parents-fighting-harms-child
- ↑ http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/protecting-children-impact-marital-strife
- ↑ https://www.care.com/c/fighting-in-front-of-your-kids/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/marriage-counseling/basics/why-its-done/prc-20012741
- ↑ http://familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/kids/family-friends/when-parents-fight.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ethics-everyone/201108/is-violent-sport-cathartic
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200909/anger-and-catharsis-myth-metaphor-or-reality
About This Article
Article Summary
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If your parents are fighting and you feel unsafe, try going to your room, outside, or if it’s really bad, go to a friend’s house. Even though their fights may make you feel sad, realize you’re not expected to take sides or fix things. Instead, if you’re worried it’s your fault they’re fighting, never blame yourself, and try to remember that fighting is just how some parents disagree. When it’s calmer, try to talk to your parents, and let them know how you feel. For example, you might say: “I’m sad when you yell insults. I wish you could argue without being mean.” For more advice, including what to do if you feel unsafe when they fight, scroll down.
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