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Polyamory is more common than most people think–and there’s a lot of lingo that goes along with it! You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘kitchen table polyamory’ before, whether it’s from a friend, a favorite show, or on the internet, but it’s not immediately clear what it means. Whether you hope to explore kitchen table polyamory for yourself, or you just want to understand how it works, we've got what you need below. In this article, you’ll learn about the dynamics of kitchen table polyamory, how it differs from other kinds of polyamory, and why someone might choose it for their relationship.
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Section 2 of 4:
Reasons to Choose Kitchen Table Polyamory
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You want to build a chosen family. You and your partners can form a close-knit group for community and mutual support, like a family. All the people you love get to be friends with each other! This could be especially important for you if your family isn’t very supportive, so you want to create a new web of loving relationships on your own terms. It’s also good for you if you’re a total extrovert who loves making new friends! [5] X Research source
- If you’re a parent, caretaker, or need other kinds of help at home, having a chosen family through polyamory could help share that work and make it more communal.
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You want to help your partner’s partner to feel less insecure. Kitchen table polyamory would be especially helpful if you often find yourself asking your partner what they’ve been up to and wondering what their other partner is like. If you get to know them, you might not feel jealous or threatened! That might not always be the solution, though, and seeing more of your partner’s partner could make you feel worse–pay attention to your feelings as you get to know your metamour. [6] X Research source
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You want to take better care of your partner. When you’re friends with your partner’s partner, you can coordinate together how to take care of them! This is especially appealing if you often don’t have enough time to do everything for your loved ones. If you’re friendly with your metamour, you can communicate with each other to take care of your partner and make both relationships better.
- For example, you can let them know that your partner is having a bad day so that they can send a loving text, or ask them to pick something up from the pharmacy if your partner is sick.
- If you’re too busy to do everything for your loved ones, it might be complicated to find time for all your new friends in your polycule. Be aware of scheduling logistics in deciding what relationships with your partner’s partners you can commit to.
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You value total openness in love and romance. If you often think that there’s too much awkwardness and separation in your relationships, and wish everyone could let their walls come down and get along, this type of polyamory is definitely for you. [7] X Research source
- If this is why you want kitchen table polyamory, you should be aware that nothing can magically make everyone get along. Sometimes people’s inhibitions or preferences can’t be changed by encouraging friendships.
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Section 3 of 4:
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Decide whether or not it will work for you. Different types of polyamory work for different types of people, so do your research, learn about people’s experiences in various relationships, and think about your own past emotions in relationships to decide if you want to be in a kitchen table polyamorous relationship. [8] X Research source
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Always set boundaries and communicate openly. There are no pre-set rules, so that means it’s even more important to communicate all of your expectations, boundaries, and preferences in an agreement with your partner and your metamour before you embark on a new type of relationship. [9] X Research source
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Do your best to process complex emotions as they come up. All relationships involve strong emotions, and it’s natural to feel positive and negative emotions as you navigate new types of relationships. Be honest with yourself and confront jealousy or insecurity when it happens, working through it in ways that work for you, like journaling, focusing on feeling happy by seeing your partner happy, or talking with a therapist. Be willing to change things up if you need a different arrangement. [10] X Research source
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Section 4 of 4:
Other Types of Polyamory
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Parallel polyamory, also known as ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ This kind of polyamory is a relationship where each relationship exists independently without mingling and without telling your other partner too much about it. There is no focus on encouraging metamours and other partners to get to know each other. In some forms of parallel polyamory, metamours can get to know each other, but there isn’t any emphasis put on that relationship. [11] X Research source
- Parallel polyamory is often considered to be an opposite of kitchen table polyamory, since one encourages close friendships and the other doesn’t. That being said, they’re less like binary labels and more like different styles, with lots of ambiguity and middle ground to let you choose what you prefer.
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Garden party polyamory This is a relationship where metamours have a friendly, but not necessarily close, connection. Whereas kitchen table polyamory encourages a more steady friendship, garden party polyamory asks that you only be friendly enough with your partner’s partner to interact every once in a while in a garden party type of setting. This is also sometimes known as birthday party polyamory. [12] X Research source
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Lap-sitting polyamory This is a type of polyamory that involves being so close with your partner’s partner that you’re either best friends or lovers. The name comes from the fact that you're so close to your partner's partner that you can imagine sitting in their lap comfortably. It doesn’t always happen, but this is the term for it if it does. [13] X Research source
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Remember, no form of polyamory is better than any other. Each one has its own benefits, and which one you choose depends on your preference and on consent from you, your partner, and your partner’s partner. Your boundaries, and communicating them with your partner, are more important than a label. [14] X Research source
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Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Charity Danker, LPC .
References
- ↑ https://www.thebody.com/article/kitchen-table-and-garden-party-polyamory
- ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/kitchen-table-and-parallel-polyamory-part-2-extreme-kitchen-table-1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/polyamory
- ↑ https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/home/polyamory/terms/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202302/shared-carework-in-polyamorous-families
- ↑ https://www.thebody.com/article/kitchen-table-and-garden-party-polyamory
- ↑ https://jezebelbynight.com/kitchen-table-polyamory/
- ↑ https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/polyamorous
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide
- ↑ https://www.insider.com/how-polyamorous-people-cope-with-jealousy-in-relationships-2020-2
- ↑ https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/kitchen-table-and-parallel-polyamory-part-2-extreme-kitchen-table-1
- ↑ https://www.minkaguides.com/parallel-and-kitchen-table-polyamory/
- ↑ https://poly.land/2018/05/14/lap-sitting-polyamory-love-borg-metamours-resistance-futile/
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide
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