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Opposites attract—but why? And when it comes to narcissists and empaths, is that a bad thing?
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The internet has been a-buzz in recent years with articles and social media posts on narcissists, empaths, and toxic relationships—but what do these terms really mean? These two personality types couldn’t be more different, and yet, like magnets, they’re often irresistible to one another. We've consulted the experts to find out what a relationship between a narcissist and an empath is really like, why they're so drawn to one another, and whether a romance between these two personality types is sustainable. Keep reading to learn more about the narcissist-empath bond.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Not all narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and not all people with NPD are narcissists.
- Narcissists are characterized by a tendency to be self-absorbed, while empaths tend to be ultra-focused on other people.
- Because their opposite personalities complement one another, narcissists and empaths are often drawn together.
- Relationships between these two personalities may become toxic since narcissists are prone to “take” and empaths are prone to “give.”
- A relationship between a narcissist and an empath can work as long as both parties work hard to be self-aware and maintain healthy boundaries.
Steps
Section 3 of 5:
Narcissist and Empath Relationship
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The narcissist may try to rush into a relationship with the empath. At the beginning of a narcissist-empath relationship, the narcissist will likely attempt to present themselves as the ideal partner. They'll seem heavily invested in the empath and shower the empath with attention in order to gain the empath’s trust and loyalty. This manipulation tactic is sometimes called love bombing.
- During this stage, the narcissist may try to convince the empath that they’re “soulmates” and pressure them into a committed relationship immediately, perhaps sooner than the empath would otherwise be comfortable with.
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The narcissist may gradually become more controlling. After the narcissist has drawn the empath into a relationship, the narcissist may attempt to break the empath down to further ensure the empath’s loyalty and reliance on them. They may do this by gaslighting them so that the empath no longer trusts their own reality; by deriding the empath so they don’t believe they are “worthy” of the narcissist’s love; by isolating them from supportive friends or family; or by attempting to keep the empath financially dependent on them.
- The narcissist may try to get the empath alone often—which sounds romantic, but is really a form of control. The narcissist may even go so far as to drive wedges between the empath and their social circle to keep the empath isolated.
- The more control a narcissist gets, the more callous they may become. As the narcissist gains influence over the empath, they may act in increasingly cruel ways, such as by lying to the empath or having affairs.
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Empaths may be likely to enable a narcissist’s toxic behavior. Empaths are wired to give people the benefit of the doubt, and that includes narcissists. Moreover, the narcissist’s control over the empath may eventually cause the empath to doubt themselves so much that when the narcissist mistreats them, they not only may be compelled to forgive them, but the narcissist may even try to gaslight them into believing that their reality is somehow flawed—that the narcissist did nothing wrong, and it was all in the empath’s head.
- When the empath tries to assert boundaries or communicate reasonable expectations of the narcissist, the narcissist may accuse the empath of being selfish or needy, and argue that they themselves are a “victim.”
- A narcissist may also employ the manipulation tactic known as “fiend progress” to convince the empath that they’re working on their personal growth.
- Fiend progress might involve pretending to attend therapy or weaponizing therapy lingo to convince the empath that they’re “changing.”
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The narcissist may eventually “discard” the empath. Once the narcissist has broken the empath down, they may become bored with the empath or wish to move onto someone else. At this point, they may withdraw from the empath. They may end the relationship entirely, or they may only temporarily discard the empath, and begin the love bombing cycle again after a period if they believe the empath is useful or desirable.
- The narcissist may employ a technique known as “hoovering” to “suck” the empath back into their web. They’re likely to do this once the empath begins to become more independent from the narcissist.
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Section 4 of 5:
Keeping the Relationship Healthy
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Establish strict boundaries. Maintaining a healthy relationship with a narcissist will always be a challenge, but an empath can increase those odds by creating and sustaining clear boundaries with their narcissist partner. The empath must decide what they will and won’t tolerate—for instance, name-calling or lying—and hold their partner to those rules. [11] X Research source
- If the narcissist refuses to respect the empath’s boundaries in a given situation (for example, they begin yelling at the empath during an argument), the empath may choose to exit the situation.
- It can be hard for an empath to set boundaries when they’ve been conditioned to be “selfless,” but remember, setting personal boundaries is not selfish!
- In an abusive situation, it’s best to leave as soon as possible. There’s no point in trying to convince an abusive partner to respect boundaries.
- At a minimum, dealing with a narcissist is exhausting. While trying to improve the relationship may be worthwhile, the empath may leave whenever they want, even if the narcissist isn’t abusive.
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Learn the narcissist’s triggers. Part of what makes being in a relationship with a narcissist so hard is that their behavior can be so unexpected compared to non-narcissistic people’s behavior. Understanding what might trigger certain behavior in a narcissist (and, perhaps, why) can help an empath avoid being bowled over by the narcissist’s behavior and know how to respond in a productive way—while maintaining personal boundaries. [12] X Research source
- For instance, because narcissists are so insecure, the empath spending time with friends may trigger irrational alarm in the narcissist, causing them to lash out. The empath may prepare for this by informing the narcissist of their plans ahead of time, and reassuring them they still care about them, they aren’t abandoning them, and they’ll be back later.
- With lots of time and patience, the narcissist may learn to manage their triggers more effectively.
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Give the narcissist positive reinforcement. Because narcissists struggle with such low self-esteem, genuine compliments can go a long way in helping boost their confidence. Over time, elevated confidence can help alleviate their narcissistic traits. [13] X Research source
- The compliments must be genuine, though, and not just flattery: authentic compliments can help narcissists identify their positive traits and accomplishments and be encouraged to develop them, while false flattery is likely to contribute to their grandiosity.
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Practice self-care. Both empaths and narcissists can maintain a strong sense of self and higher confidence by practicing good self-care , including exercising, eating well, cultivating their personal passions, and getting plenty of alone time to meditate and reflect on their relationship. By investing in their goals and taking care of their basic human needs, the empath can maintain the independence necessary to pursue a meaningful and healthy relationship with their narcissist partner, and the narcissist may elevate their self-esteem, which may minimize their narcissistic behavior. [14] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- The narcissist may try to convince the empath that taking personal time is “selfish,” so it’s important for the empath to hold their ground here.
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Cultivate healthy social lives outside of the relationship. One of the major ways a narcissistic relationship becomes abusive is by the narcissist isolating their empath partner from healthy connections with friends and family. To maintain as healthy a relationship as possible with a narcissist, both empaths and narcissists must make the effort to cultivate strong social lives outside of their relationship. [15] X Research source
- Because narcissists are so skilled at manipulating empaths’ reality and sense of self, good friends are an invaluable resource: they can help maintain the empath’s confidence as well as offer an outside perspective on the relationship when need be.
- A strong social network will also help the narcissist , who may benefit from having a support system (beyond their partner) of people willing to confront them about their behavior when needed. [16] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Seek therapy. Empaths and narcissists usually require counseling or therapy to work through their relationship. A therapist educated in narcissistic behavior may be able to help each partner understand their role in the relationship and how to go about improving the dynamic to make it more balanced. Because it’s common for narcissists to try to silence their empath partner from expressing negative feelings about the relationship, if possible, both partners may attend private therapy in addition to couples therapy.
- Just because a narcissist attends therapy doesn’t mean they’re committed to changing. Empaths must be aware of narcissists’ tendency to fake “fiend progress.”
- But not all narcissists who attend therapy are faking it: they may be hard-pressed to seek therapy for the sake of the empath, but they may attend if they notice their personal or professional life is suffering due to their own behavior.
- It’s important to remember that NPD isn’t a character flaw, but a mental health disorder, and with time, therapy, extreme effort, and perhaps medication, narcissists can learn to manage their symptoms. [17] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201709/are-narcissists-more-likely-be-abusive
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-kind/201901/having-empathy-and-being-empath-what-s-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pathological-relationships/201203/genetic-and-neuro-physiological-basis-hyper-empathy-0
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202006/5-reasons-youre-attracted-narcissists
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/through-the-looking-glass/201511/beware-the-charming-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-stop-feeling-overly-responsible/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/live-life-creatively/202001/ocd-is-fire-be-harnessed
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist-what-you-should-know/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist-what-you-should-know/
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202106/why-strong-women-and-narcissists-attract-each-other
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