The Best Ways to Respond to an Emotional Text

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How to authentically support your loved ones via text
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If someone is spilling their feelings to you via text, you probably want to come up with the exact right thing to say to comfort them. That may seem hard to do when you’re limited to the text conversation, and don't have the ability to use a compassionate tone of voice or offer them a shoulder to cry on. Keep reading to learn how you can let the other person know that you're listening and that you care, with advice from relationship and mental health experts.

How to Comfort Someone Over Text

If a loved one is sharing their emotions via text with you, respond by being open and listening to what they have to say without judgement. Ask questions if you need clarification about what they mean, validate their feelings without using cliches, ask how you can help, and try offering solutions.

1

Be open to hearing them without judgment.

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  1. [1] Sometimes when someone is going through a hard time, they just need to talk about it. Even if they're upset about something you did, it's important to listen without getting defensive or being judgmental. [2]
    • Try saying something like, "I'm here for you," "You're not in this alone," or, "You can talk to me about anything."
    • Encourage them to talk to you freely by asking follow-up questions, like "Then what happened?" or "Can you tell me more about that?" 
    • Let them know that you appreciate them they opened up to you by saying something like, "Thank you so much for sharing that with me." [3]
    • Relationship expert, John Keegan, encourages that you give the other person your undivided attention and be fully engaged in the conversation, offering empathy and understanding. [4]
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2

Ask questions if you need clarification.

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  1. You don't have the benefit of tone of voice and body language to help you figure out how the other person is feeling. [5] You'll probably be able to pick up on the gist of what they're going through, especially if you know the person well. Still, if anything seems unclear or ambiguous, it's best to ask. [6]
    • For instance, it's hard to tell whether someone is being sarcastic or sincere if they simply text, "Great." In that case, just say, "Sorry, I can't tell, were you being sarcastic?" [7]
    • You can also ask questions like, "What frustrates you most about that?" or "What's worrying you the most right now?" [8]
    • Try putting yourself in their shoes by saying something like, "It sounds like you're feeling really sad. Is that right?"
    • Always assume the best of intentions and avoid jumping to conclusions. Your perspective and assumptions may be wrong. [9]
3

Manage your own emotions.

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  1. If someone messages you with something upsetting—like they're mad at you or something bad has happened—take a moment before you respond. Take a few deep breaths to settle yourself, and think about what to say. Before you send a text back, ask yourself, "Will this help or make things worse?" [10]
    • For instance, if your partner texts you saying you did something that upset them, don't send back a long paragraph justifying what you did. Instead, breathe deeply, then reply with something like, "I'm really sorry that I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make it better?"
    • If a friend messages you saying their partner just left them, don't immediately start badmouthing the ex. Say something like, "You must be really hurting. Want to get drinks after work and talk about it?"
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4

Validate what they're saying.

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  1. If how they're reacting seems appropriate for whatever they're going through, tell them that! Validating their feeling and letting them know that they're not alone can make a big difference. [11] Try saying something like:
    • "You're right, that is complicated. I'm surprised you're as calm as you are!"
    • "I'd be so sad if I lost my dog. I'm so sorry that happened to you."  
    • "It would hurt my feelings if my boss said that to me, too."
    EXPERT TIP

    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples; while treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. As a prolific author, Dr. Brown has published four books; contributed to multiple other books; published 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications; and has recently published a number of creative and literary works. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. He has also received a Master of Liberal Arts from Harvard University. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist

    Texting is not a perfect science, nor is interpreting messages that we receive by text. While texting is an easy and quick form of communication, it allows for a greater probability of being misinterpreted. Ask for clarification. When we ask for clarification, we are informing the sender that we respect them.

5

Use follow-up questions.

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  1. [12] Read through the other person's texts and pick out words that seem important. Then, ask them to elaborate on that. This will show them you're listening, and it can also help them sort through their complicated feelings. For instance: [13]
    • If they say, "I'm always messing things up," you might say, "Can you tell me more about things you think you've messed up?"
    • If they say, "You never listen to me," you might say, "Are there other times you felt I wasn't being a good listener?"
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6

Keep the focus on them.

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  1. If someone is messaging you and they're upset, don't change the subject and start talking about yourself. Even if you have a lot going on, you can always deal with that in another conversation. [14]
    • For instance, if they're talking about getting fired from their job, don't say, "Ugh yeah I had a bad day too. First, my car broke down..."
    • It's fine to share if you can relate to what they're going through. For instance, you might say, "I felt really angry when my mom died too. I'm here any time you need someone to talk to."
7

Avoid replying with cliches.

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  1. Cliches just don't sound very sincere. Even if you're being heartfelt, using a cliche might make the other person feel like you're minimizing their feelings. It's best to stick to a reply that feels a little more tailored to the situation.  Here are a few things to avoid saying: [15]
    • "It's probably for the best."
    • "Everything happens for a reason."
    • "There are more fish in the sea." 
    • "It could be worse."
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8

Pay them a compliment.

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  1. It's always nice to have someone build you up when you're feeling down. Whether the issue is with you or someone else, complimenting your friend's character might help them feel like you really appreciate them and you're there to help. [16]
    • For instance, you might say, "I know I let you down. But you're one of the smartest, funniest people I know and I really value you as a friend. I hope you can forgive me."
    • Or, you might say, "I'm so sorry you and Jeff broke up. He's really missing out if he can't see how amazing and kind you are." 
9

Ask how you can help.

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  1. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for someone is to ask them what kind of support would mean the most to them. Maybe they need a hug, some advice, or just someone to listen to them. Just be sure to really listen to what they say, so you can be there for them. Try saying things like: [17]
    • "How can I make your life easier right now?"
    • "Is there anything I can do to make things better for you?"
    • "How can I support you best?"
    • Clinical Psychologist, Liana Georgoulis, suggests asking how you can help with the knowledge that you might not be able to. She says, “No matter how great a friend you are, you don’t have the power to change other people’s struggles.” [18]
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10

Discuss possible solutions.

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  1. Don't assume the other person wants you to fix their problem, so asking if they want to find a solution is a good way to make sure you don't overstep. However, they might appreciate your help brainstorming steps they can take next. To be certain, ask your friend if they want to talk about what to do next. [19]
    • For example, you could say, "It seems like you're saying you're really unhappy at your job. If you want, I could help you research other jobs in your field."
    • You might also say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I don't always think before I say things. I'll try to be more mindful of that, and maybe we could come up with a code word you can say next time I'm crossing a line so I'll know to stop." 
11

Ask them if you can call them.

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  1. [20] If they're open to it, you could even jump on a quick video call. That way, you'll be able to pick up on more nuance in what they're saying. It can often be easier for you to respond in a natural, empathetic way when you're talking than when you're texting, too. [21]
    • Say something like, "Can I call you? I have too much to say to text it all."
    • If you'd rather talk in person, you could say, "Hey are you free to grab a coffee right now? I'd love to talk more about this and it seems like you could use a hug."
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12

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  1. The other person's emotions aren't likely to go away just because your text conversation is over. To make sure they're processing everything okay, drop them a quick text after a day or two. You could even give them a call or stop by to see them, which may seem more personal and warm than a text. [22]
    • Say something like, "Hey, just wanted to see how you were feeling today. Everything good?"
    • Or, you might say, "Did work go better today? Want to get dinner and talk about it?"

Expert Q&A

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Add New Question
  • Question
    How do you respond when someone shares their feelings?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples; while treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. As a prolific author, Dr. Brown has published four books; contributed to multiple other books; published 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications; and has recently published a number of creative and literary works. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. He has also received a Master of Liberal Arts from Harvard University. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Texting is not a perfect science, nor is interpreting messages that we receive by text. It is quite common for text messages to be misinterpreted, for example. In some cases, you may be better off making a call than to send a text message. Remember to approach each conversation with a calm and collected voice.
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      References

      1. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/202007/how-to-listen-to-someone-without-judgment
      3. ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      5. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      6. ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
      7. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      8. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
      9. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/12/how-to-control-your-emotions-during-a-difficult-conversation
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/201907/44-empathy-statements-will-make-you-great-listener
      3. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
      5. ↑ https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/helping-someone-else/what-to-say/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
      7. ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
      9. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      10. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
      11. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201802/youre-more-emotionally-intelligent-the-phone-really
      13. ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses

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