How to Respond when He Comes Back After Pulling Away

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

When a guy you liked ends up distancing himself from you, you might end up feeling hurt, frustrated, and sad. But it can be even more confusing if he comes back, seemingly interested in you again. You’re probably wondering “What does he want with me?” We’ve got you covered with this guide on how to respond when he comes back after pulling away.

Section 1 of 3:

Why do guys pull away?

PDF download Download Article
  1. He doesn’t know what he wants. Indecision is a big problem for guys that just haven’t matured enough yet. This can be a tough situation—studies have shown that when you don’t know how much someone is into you, you tend to dwell on them, and find yourself even more attracted to them than you would be otherwise. [1]
    • Some guys take advantage of people’s natural attraction to indecisiveness. If he’s pulling away on purpose to try and get you to fall for him, he’s playing games with you. You deserve someone who treats you with more respect than that.
  2. 2
    He needs space temporarily. Whether it’s work or family commitments, many people can’t juggle a relationship with their other responsibilities. If that’s the case, he could still be interested in you, but is just someone who deals with stress best by himself. Withdrawing from others is a common reaction to stress, so try not to take his decision to pull away as a judgment on you. [2]
    • You don’t want to be kept waiting forever, so try to move on if he hasn’t reached out in a couple of weeks. If he comes back later, once his other responsibilities have settled down, you can then decide if you want to take him back.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 2069 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to reconnect with a guy who has pulled away is to give him space and wait for him to reach out . [Take Poll]
    Advertisement
  3. 3
    He met someone else. It’s pretty common to date multiple people at once before making a commitment to be exclusive with one person. [3] He might have gotten caught up with someone else before realizing that that relationship wasn’t a good fit.
    • If he did meet someone else, try not to take it personally. Dating is about meeting new people and seeing where it leads—give him the same freedom in the early stages of dating that you deserve yourself.
    4. Advertisement
Section 2 of 3:

What to Do When He Comes Back

PDF download Download Article
  1. You deserve to have your emotions respected, and therefore you deserve an explanation for why he pulled away. This can give you a better understanding of his motivations for coming back—whether he really wants something with you, he’s just feeling lonely, or he still doesn’t know what he wants. Try asking him something in a casual, non-judgmental tone, like: [4]
    • “I haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s been going on?”
    • “I feel like we fell out of touch. Any reason you’re reaching out now?”
  2. 2
    Take some time to check in with yourself. It’s okay to not respond immediately after he reaches out—if he’s really interested, he’ll understand and be there when you’re ready. It’s better not to give him the impression that you’ve been waiting around for him. Instead, take some time to practice self-care so that you can approach the relationship in the healthiest frame of mind possible. [5]
    • Self-care looks like a lot of different things to different people. Make sure you’re staying active , sleeping and eating well, and taking time to do things for yourself.
    • You might also want to try meditation or mindfulness exercises, which can strengthen your emotional self-regulation.
  3. 3
    Think about your relationship rationally. Studies have shown that decisions we make with our heads, not our hearts, tend to produce better results for us in the long term. Take your time to think about whether you want to give this guy another chance. Talk to a friend you trust—sometimes it helps to get an outside opinion that’s not clouded by our own emotions. [6]
    • Try writing down your feelings about this guy—what kind of relationship would you want with him, and does it seem possible? What compatibility and incompatibilities do you have?
  4. 4
    Let him know if you’re not interested. If you end up feeling like this relationship isn’t one you want to pursue, that’s okay—he might’ve missed the boat. Send him a brief and kind message saying that you’re not interested in taking things further, such as: [7]
    • “It’s good to hear from you. I’m seeing other people now, but wish you the best. Take care of yourself.”
    • “Thanks for reaching out. I enjoyed talking to you before, but since I hadn’t heard from you in a while, I’ve actually moved on. Hope you’re doing well.”
    5. Advertisement
Section 3 of 3:

Giving Him Another Chance

PDF download Download Article
  1. If he got caught up in other responsibilities, he might be feeling guilty for reaching out to you. Letting him know that you understand his reasons for pulling away can make him feel more comfortable about reconnecting to you. Empathize with his struggles, but also be brief and to the point—you don’t have to dismiss your own feelings of hurt. Say something like: [8]
    • “I totally get it—life happens. I’m glad that we’re back in touch.”
    • “Hope things have settled down for you. I’m really happy that we’re talking again—it had been great getting to know you.”
  2. 2
    Give him some boundaries and stick to them. Make sure you don’t fall into a cycle of him pulling away then coming back whenever it’s convenient. Let him know that you’re giving him one more chance to have a relationship with you, and if he can’t commit to it, you’re going to move on. Tell him something like: [9]
    • “I’m really happy that we reconnected, but I have to be honest—I don’t really want to waste time. If you get distant again, I’m going to move on.”
    • “I like you a lot, and I want to give you another chance. I don’t really like having my feelings played with though, so if our communication breaks down again, I think it would be best for both of us if we move on.”
  3. 3
    Try not to hold it over his head. Once you give him another chance, forgive him for pulling away before. You can’t build a relationship on resentment, so be mature and avoid mentioning your earlier problems with the relationship. It can be hard to forgive someone completely after feeling like your emotions were played with, but if you try your best, you could end up with a wonderful relationship. [10]
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      33 Sweet & Romantic Apology Messages for Your Love
      How Long Does the No Contact Rule Take to Work?
      7 Ways to Get Revenge on Someone
      How to
      Apologise to Your Boyfriend Through Text
      How to
      Make a Cheating Boyfriend Feel Bad
      How to
      Ignore People You No Longer Wish to Be Around
      How to
      Tell Your Ex Is Hurting After the Breakup
      13 Ways to Annoy a Passive-Aggressive Person
      How to
      Tell if a Married Man is Using You: 16 Red Flags
      How to
      Handle a Cross Dressing Husband
      The Power of Silence After a Breakup: Why It Matters & 10 Ways to Use It
      How to
      Ask Someone if They're Mad at You
      How to
      Make Your Boyfriend Happy when He Is Angry
      How to
      Win a Fight in Under 30 Seconds
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not-women-are-more-attracted-to-men-whose-feelings-are-unclear.html
      2. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_stress_making_you_withdraw_from_people
      3. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/dating-more-than-one-person-at-a-time
      4. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202109/7-reasons-exes-get-back-together
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201510/should-you-follow-your-heart-or-your-head
      7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-tell-someone-youre-not-looking-for-a-relationship/
      8. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_avoid_the_empathy_trap
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/202105/when-give-partner-second-chance
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202306/when-should-you-forgive-an-unfaithful-partner

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 120,059 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Amber Lea

        Oct 3, 2022

        "It really helped me to have control over the situation."
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement