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It can be tricky navigating your way through a conversation, especially if you’ve just been given a harsh label, like “racist.” It’s perfectly understandable to feel hurt or upset, but responding in anger won’t accomplish anything in the conversation. Regardless of the situation, there are plenty of ways you can reflect and respond, so you can guide the discussion in a productive and informed way.
Steps
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Review the overall context of the conversation. Think about what you just said, and try to pinpoint what specifically may have offended the other person. As difficult as it may be, focus on separating yourself from the heat of the moment. It’s perfectly normal to feel defensive and upset at this type of accusation, but lashing out won’t help de-escalate the conversation at all. [1] X Research source
- It can be easy to say things you regret if you don’t give yourself a moment to step back and breathe.
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Try not to view the statement as a personalized attack. “Racist” isn’t a term that was crafted just for you. Remember—you aren’t the first person to be labeled with this term, and you definitely won’t be the last. At the end of the day, you can’t control what people say and believe. However, you can make a choice to engage in calm, informed discussion that doesn’t escalate into something worse. [2] X Research source
- Instead of becoming defensive, try to view the situation from a curious, compassionate standpoint. Does the other person have a valid point? How can you explore this subject and learn from it? [3]
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Expert Source
Jessica Elliott, ACC, CEC
Certified Executive Coach Expert Interview. 7 October 2021.
Advertisement - Instead of becoming defensive, try to view the situation from a curious, compassionate standpoint. Does the other person have a valid point? How can you explore this subject and learn from it? [3]
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Expert Source
Jessica Elliott, ACC, CEC
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Apologize if your words unintentionally offended another person. It can be tough to apologize, especially if you don’t think you’re in the wrong. As tricky as it may be, try to separate yourself from your own thoughts and feelings and view things from the other person’s perspective. Even if you didn’t mean for your words to sound racist, they may have sounded that way to another individual. Instead of jumping to your own defense, take a moment to acknowledge how the other person is feeling. [4] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- For instance, you can say something like: “I’m very sorry—I didn’t realize my statement sounded racist, and I didn’t mean to offend you.”
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Ask if the person is willing to explain their perspective. Instead of dwelling on the negative emotions you may be feeling, use the conversation as a learning experience for the future. Politely ask the other person if they’d be willing to give you a quick run-down about how to better choose your language next time. Depending on the situation, the other individual may not have the time or energy to give you an explanation, which is perfectly fine as well. [5] X Research source
- You can say something like: “Would you mind helping me understand how my comment was hurtful? I’d like to do better in the future.”
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Thank the other person if they do explain themselves. Let the other individual know that you appreciate the chance for an open, respectful dialogue. Emphasize that you’ve learned a lot from the conversation, and that you appreciate their honesty and directness. Even if you’re still feeling a little off-kilter, you can chalk it up as a valuable learning and growing experience for future conversations. [6] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source
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Accept the fact that some people unfairly bring race into a conversation. Racist accusations are really frustrating, especially you’re labeled as “racist” over a conversation that has nothing to do with race. At the end of the day, you know in your gut that your statement was not intended to be racist. While it’s a tricky pill to swallow, it’ll be best for your mental health if you put the incident behind you instead of dwelling on it. [7] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source
- For example, if you tell someone that they’re frequently late to work and they respond by calling you a racist, you can know for sure that the accusation is false.
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Report the incident to a superior if you’re accused of racism at work. Accusations of workplace bullying can be really serious, and it’s best to get them sorted out as soon as possible. Explain what happened in detail to your manager or Human Resources (HR) representative, so they can figure out the appropriate steps to take moving forward. [8] X Research source
- Sometimes, these accusations may happen because of miscommunication. An HR rep or manager can help iron out this conflict and reach a mutually peaceful resolution.
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Clarify what the term “racism” means. While “racist” isn’t a complimentary term, the phrase on its own doesn’t mean that you’re a hateful, awful person who throws slurs around willy nilly. Instead, the term refers to any attitude or thought pattern that discriminates against another racial group, even if it’s unintentional. Try viewing the term in a broader sense, instead of viewing it as a personalized attack against yourself.
- Racism isn’t always obvious. Many instances of racism aren’t outright attacks, but jokes and statements that support the idea that some groups of people are somehow better than others. [9] X Research source
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Review common terms used by social justice groups. If you’re not a fan of political movements and rhetoric, you may be tired of hearing certain terms and phrases on the news. Regardless of your political leanings, it can help to review these terms so you can have an independent understanding outside of racially-charged discussions. Review the definitions of terms like “anti-racist,” along with terms like “institutional racism” and “individual racism.” This can help you be better equipped for future conversations! [10] X Research source
- Anti-racism refers to any person who takes an active stand to fight against racism.
- Individual racism occurs when people accidentally or unknowingly spread racism through their independent thoughts and beliefs.
- Institutional racism is racism that occurs on a larger, widespread level, like in a workplace.
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Examine different instances of privilege in your life. Contrary to popular belief, the concept of privilege isn’t targeting your accomplishments and achievements. Instead, the concept of privilege refers to natural, basic things that you don’t have to worry about because of your race or background. Try to think about some of the ways your privilege benefits you, and how that privilege may naturally impair your attitude towards the rest of the world. [11] X Research source
- For instance, a privileged person doesn’t have to worry as much about having the police called on them.
- The idea of tan band-aids being considered “flesh-toned” is a casual example of white privilege.
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Make a choice to become anti-racist. Think about the legacy you want to create for yourself, and how you want to move forward in the future. Despite all the news reports and protests, it’s important to remember that racism isn’t a political platform—it’s a human rights issue. As an anti-racist, you can make a positive difference by holding others accountable, and using your privilege to help disadvantaged groups. [12] X Research source
- For instance, you can volunteer for some well-known anti-racist organizations, like Black Lives Matter, Black Liberation Collective, Native American Rights Fund, and the Hispanic Heritage Foundation. [13] X Research source
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Take time to listen to people of color. Start an open dialogue with a friend, coworker, or acquaintance who’s a person of color, so you can really understand their perspective. Additionally, make an active effort to consume media written by minority groups, which can help broaden your horizons. [14] X Research source
- The more time you spend learning about other people’s struggles, the less likely you’ll run into issues in future conversations.
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Push for diversity in your workplace. Check around your workplace and see if there’s a diversity committee that you can join, or other similar opportunities. Put pressure on your superiors to practice fair hiring practices, and request for more diversity in the leadership at your place of employment. Believe it or not, small statements and actions can really make a difference in the long run. [15] X Trustworthy Source EDIS Electronic database of the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences's peer-reviewed articles Go to source
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Speak up if you hear other people making racist statements. Listen for instances of racism in other people’s attitudes or conversations. Use your own experiences to lead an educated and civil conversation as you politely point out another person’s racism. With your own experience, you can lead a productive conversation that may inspire positive change in the other person! [16] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- For instance, you can say something like: “I know you didn’t mean any harm, but those kinds of statements can be pretty harmful to minority groups.”
- This can be especially tricky if you’re correcting a friend or family member. In these cases, you can precede your statement with something like “I don’t view things that way,” or ask if they’re willing to consider an alternative point of view. [17] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is the best way to deal with being called a racist?Jessica Elliott is a Certified Executive Coach and multi-passionate entrepreneur. She's the founder of LIFETOX, where she hosts mindful experiences and retreats, and J Elliott Coaching, which she provides executive consulting for professionals, teams, and organizations. Jessica has had over fifteen years experience as an entrepreneur and over five years of executive coaching experience. She received her ACC (Associate Certified Coach) accreditation through the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and her CEC (Certified Executive Coach) accreditation through Royal Roads University.Approach the problem with a curious and compassionate mind. There may be valid points this person is trying to make, so stay calm and try to unpack the emotions and reason behind it. Keep an open mind and a kind heart.
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QuestionHow can I avoid getting defensive in this situation?Jessica Elliott is a Certified Executive Coach and multi-passionate entrepreneur. She's the founder of LIFETOX, where she hosts mindful experiences and retreats, and J Elliott Coaching, which she provides executive consulting for professionals, teams, and organizations. Jessica has had over fifteen years experience as an entrepreneur and over five years of executive coaching experience. She received her ACC (Associate Certified Coach) accreditation through the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and her CEC (Certified Executive Coach) accreditation through Royal Roads University.You never know what this person may be going through to get to a point to accuse you. If you go into the conversation with curiosity, it gives room for both of you to explore, learn, and come to an understanding.
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QuestionAre you racist for being white?Community AnswerOf course not. You are racist if you think that being white makes you better than someone else.
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Tips
- It’s completely normal to feel defensive when you’re in a conversation. Try to resist the urge to lash out—in the end, hurtful words won’t accomplish anything in the conversation. [18] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to sourceThanks
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Warnings
- Avoid using examples to “prove” that you aren’t racist. These won’t change the course of the conversation, and likely won’t change the other person’s mind. [19] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.learningforjustice.org/sites/default/files/general/Responding%20to%20Hate%20at%20School%20ONLINE_3.pdf
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8lFC6s5cxk
- ↑ Jessica Elliott, ACC, CEC. Certified Executive Coach. Expert Interview. 7 October 2021.
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/07/youve-been-called-out-for-a-microaggression-what-do-you-do
- ↑ https://humanrights.gov.au/our-work/education/why-are-people-racist
- ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/05/19/americans-and-cancel-culture-where-some-see-calls-for-accountability-others-see-censorship-punishment/
- ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2016/06/27/on-views-of-race-and-inequality-blacks-and-whites-are-worlds-apart//
- ↑ https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/discrimination-because-of-race-religion-or-belief/discrimination-because-of-race/
- ↑ https://humanrights.gov.au/sites/default/files/casual-racism-faqs.pdf
- ↑ https://nmaahc.si.edu/learn/talking-about-race/topics/being-antiracist
- ↑ https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/fall-2018/what-is-white-privilege-really
- ↑ https://nmaahc.si.edu/learn/talking-about-race/topics/being-antiracist
- ↑ https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/anti-racism-organizations-canada/
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/06/09/873375416/there-is-no-neutral-nice-white-people-can-still-be-complicit-in-a-racist-society
- ↑ https://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/publication/HR022
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/02/how-to-respond-to-an-offensive-comment-at-work
- ↑ https://nmaahc.si.edu/learn/talking-about-race/topics/being-antiracist
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ https://www.baycollege.edu/_resources/pdf/academics/academic-resources/open-education/principles-public-speaking.pdf
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Reader Success Stories
- "Thank you, this was helpful, but assumes that racists are always white. The writing & the illustrations show this. Racism can come from a person of any race towards someone of any race. Maybe some clarification or corrections can be made? (i.e. "don't ask a pasty guy like me" is now a white guy being racist against himself, making it an awkward situation for all involved). " ..." more
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"Thank you, this was helpful, but assumes that racists are always white. The writing & the illustrations show this. Racism can come from a person of any race towards someone of any race. Maybe some clarification or corrections can be made? (i.e. "don't ask a pasty guy like me" is now a white guy being racist against himself, making it an awkward situation for all involved). "
..."
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"How racism is a motivating and charged term used by most for a self-serving agenda."
