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Recognize narcissists, manipulators, & more with this helpful guide
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Starting a new relationship can be nerve-wracking, especially when you’re putting yourself out there for the first time. It’s perfectly understandable to feel a bit nervous before meeting new guys, especially if you don’t know what red flags to look for. Thankfully, there are some pretty telltale signs you can use to identify toxic, dangerous men before you get too involved. While these kinds of people can come from all gender identities, this guide focuses on how to spot dangerous males.
Signs of a Dangerous Man
- Look out for men who are controlling, treat others poorly, and don’t apologize. These can all be signs of a narcissist.
- Be cautious about men who make themselves the victim, downplay your emotions, and can’t take criticism. This can mean they’re emotionally unstable.
- Watch out for men who guilt trip you, make you feel bad about yourself, and lie. These can be signs that they are manipulating you.
Steps
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Is he a controlling person? Dangerous, narcissistic men always feel the need to be in control. This might look like someone who always needs to call the shots, or always needs to tell people what to do. Be on the lookout for men who don’t let you voice your opinion, or let you make your own decisions. [1] X Research source
- For instance, a controlling man might order for you at a bar or restaurant instead of waiting for your input.
- An obsession with power isn’t always obvious. These fixations often rear their ugly head in the form of gun collections, military magazine subscriptions, and more.
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Does he have an inflated sense of importance? Narcissists tend to think the world revolves around them, and only believe that they can be associated with the best of the best. If a guy is expecting you to treat him like a god, you want to cut your evening with him short. Instead, spend time with a guy who’s willing to treat you as an equal. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For instance a narcissist might think that meeting at a bar is too lowly for a person like him.
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Does he need to be praised constantly? Narcissists need to be coddled, and need to be reminded of their “greatness” all the time. If you feel pressured or coerced into feeding a guy’s sense of self, it may be best to break things off. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Frequent questions like “Don’t you think I’m amazing?” are big red flags.
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Does he look down on others? Narcissists are especially dangerous because they don’t really care for the people who they view as “less than,” which is pretty much everyone around them. In reality, narcissists tend to feel easily intimidated by others, and will lash out accordingly. If the guy you’re with is constantly making mean, belittling comments to the people around him, you may want to call it quits. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- These comments may be on the subtle side. For instance, he might make subtle, patronizing comments like “can you believe that guy” instead of direct insults.
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Does he refuse to apologize for his actions? Listen for mean, malicious, or otherwise hurtful language that could offend someone. Wait for him to be called out on his misdeeds—does he seem apologetic, or does he refuse to take the blame for anything? Narcissists are often incapable of viewing themselves in a negative light, and feel no guilt for their misdeeds. [5] X Research source
- Mean language can be anything ranging from negative comments about a person’s appearance to actively harmful language, like slurs.
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Does he like to play the victim a lot? Toxic men seldom take responsibility for their actions, and love to pass the blame over to the most convenient scapegoat. Pay attention to a person’s behaviors, especially if you work with. Count how many times the man in question makes excuses, versus how many times he takes responsibility for his actions. [6] X Research source
- People who play the victim are very dangerous, as they never believe they’re in the wrong or that they need to be held accountable for their actions.
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Does he act insincere about serious topics? Emotionally unstable people are dangerous for long-term relationships, especially when they’re unable to be empathetic. Pay attention to how he reacts to things, especially if you’re sharing something emotionally-charged. If the guy consistently downplays your struggles and displays no real concern, you may want to cut things off. [7] X Research source
- For instance, if you had a rough day at work and he might reply with “that sucks” instead of a genuine, emotional response.
- Reader Poll: We asked 776 wikiHow readers how they felt about their role in their relationship, and only 4% of them said I feel like my needs are met. [Take Poll]
- A lot of people might feel their needs aren't being met in a relationship. Loving partners want to make a change, but dangerous men aren't.
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Is he sensitive to criticism? Emotionally unstable people don’t have any coping mechanisms to speak of, which makes them hyper-sensitive in some situations. If he seems to react strongly if you criticize him, then you may want to walk away. [8] X Research source
- For example, he might flare up if you say something like “I don’t think that’s right,” or “Are you sure about that?”
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Does he try to “one-up” you a lot? While there’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition now and then, it becomes a problem if a man is constantly trying to get the upper hand. Pay attention to your different conversation and interactions with him. If he seems unable to accept your accomplishments without trying to “prove” himself, then you might want to stay away. [9] X Research source
- For instance, if you mention that you got a promotion, an emotionally unstable man might feel the need to list all of his accomplishments right after.
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Does he make you feel guilty a lot? Emotional manipulators feel a constant need to play the victim, and won’t hesitate to make you feel guilty whenever you can. Listen for comments that are designed to make you feel down on yourself. Additionally, keep track of how often you feel negative around this person. If you feel icky whenever you’re around them, then they’re probably a manipulator. [10] X Research source
- For instance, if you’re being honest about your feelings, an emotional manipulator might say something like, “Why would you bring that up?”
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Does he try to push your buttons? A manipulative man might focus on your weak spots, especially if he knows you really well. Listen for barbed, back-handed comments designed to make you feel down on yourself. If you find yourself frequently feeling self conscious around this person, then you might want to stay away. [11] X Research source
- For instance, he might make a comment like, “Does that shirt fit you?” or something similar.
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Does he lie frequently? Lies can be tricky to detect right away—however, they’re a sure fire way to tell if someone is untrustworthy and possibly dangerous. [12] X Research source Such lies may be all over the place, ranging to a fake illness, or simply exaggerating the facts to a ridiculous extent. If you’re around this person a lot, track how often they seem to lie or exaggerate matters.
- For instance, a person may lie about how they live close to a bar in order to get you to come home with them.
- A person might exaggerate the truth by saying that “they’ve had their eyes on you all night” when they’ve actually been flirting with other people.
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Does he spring decisions on you quickly? Manipulators tend to use time constraints to force your hand, similar to the way salespeople operate. In this type of conversation, he’ll try to push you in a certain direction by not giving you a lot of time to think or decide what you truly want yourself. If you frequently find yourself in time-restricted conversations with him, it might be time to break things off. [13] X Research source
- For instance, he might say something like, “If you can’t decide on an outfit in 2 minutes, I’m leaving without you.”
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you know if a guy is toxic?Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.Be on the lookout for men who don't take accountability for their actions, or who try to rationalize or blame you for their wrongdoings. While men don't have to admit guilt every time, they should at least sometimes show empathy for how their behavior makes you feel.
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QuestionWhat are the red flags of a narcissist?Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.Watch out for someone who does "too much too early." While over-the-top gestures of love and commitment aren't always bad, they should never be taken at face-value.
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Tips
- Trust your gut about how he makes you feel. If you’re getting weird, bad, or any kind of abnormal vibes from a guy, don’t be afraid to walk away. [14] X Research sourceThanks
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- Dangerous men tend to be risk-takers, especially when it comes to their health. Watch out for people who drink, smoke, do drugs, and perform other risky behaviors. [16] X Research sourceThanks
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Warnings
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References
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248412
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248412
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248412
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201812/13-key-signs-partner-may-be-emotionally-unstable
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201812/13-key-signs-partner-may-be-emotionally-unstable
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201812/13-key-signs-partner-may-be-emotionally-unstable
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/9-signs-youre-dealing-with-an-emotional-manipulator-2016-12
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/9-signs-youre-dealing-with-an-emotional-manipulator-2016-12
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201410/dangerous-personalities
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/heres-how-to-tell-if-someone-is-a-toxic-person-in-first-5-minutes.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201410/dangerous-personalities
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248412
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201910/hiding-in-plain-sight-how-spot-child-predator
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201410/dangerous-personalities
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201410/dangerous-personalities
About This Article
Article Summary
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Knowing what to look for will help you spot dangerous men and keep yourself safe. Be wary of any man that tries to control or manipulate you, whether emotionally, financially, or sexually. These kinds of men will often lie to you, pressure you to move quickly in relationships, and get easily angered when things don’t go their way. It’s surprisingly easy to be manipulated by their initial charm and confidence, so if your friends or family dislike a man or even warn you about him, you should avoid him at all costs. If in doubt, trust your instincts. If you get a strange feeling about a man or he makes you feel uncomfortable, keep your distance as much as you can. For more tips, including how to protect yourself when you encounter a dangerous man, read on.
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