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A codependent person is an individual who develops patterns within their relationships where the codependent individual has a one-sided relationship with another person. In these relationships, the codependent individual ignores personal needs and suppresses emotions in favor of the other person in the relationship. [1] X Research source If you are worried you might be codependent, there are ways to help you determine if you are.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Recognizing the Warning Signs
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Notice if you are codependent. Codependency, also known as relationship addiction, is an emotional and behavioral condition that can affect many different people. If you are a codependent person, you may avoid personal uncomfortable or strong emotions in favor of focusing on another person’s needs. [2] X Expert Source Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.- In codependent relationships, you may focus solely on the well-being and needs of the other person in your relationship and completely ignore yourself, often to your own detriment. [3] X Research source
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See if you exhibit codependent behaviors. There are a certain set of behaviors that you will exhibit if you are codependent. Your may notice a few or all of these at one time or another throughout your life. These behaviors include:
- A tendency to avoid conflict or uncomfortable emotions, or masking your emotions with passive aggressive expressions of anger or humor
- Taking responsibility for other people's actions or overcompensation for a partner’s actions
- Misconceptions that love means rescuing another person, which leads to constant thoughts of the other person’s needs
- Giving more than your share in the relationship
- Tendency to hang on to a relationship no matter what due to your personal feelings of loyalty to your partner, even though the relationship is harmful, usually to avoid feelings of abandonment
- Difficulty saying no or having guilt over being assertive
- Extreme preoccupation with the opinions of others or valuing their opinions over your own [4] X Research source
- Difficulty communicating, identifying your own needs, or making decisions [5] X Research source
- Feeling resentment over lack of acknowledgment for your personal efforts and self-sacrifice, which often lead to feelings of guilt
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Ask yourself questions that reflect codependent behaviors. If you aren't sure you are codependent based on your tendencies or behaviors, there are some questions you can ask yourself that can help reveal it. These questions include:
- Does/has the person you live with ever hit or abused you in any way?
- Do you have trouble turning people down when they ask for help?
- Do you get overwhelmed by how much you have to do, but never take the time to ask for help?
- Do you ever doubt your own wants or needs? Or not believe in who you want to become?
- Do you go out of your way to avoid an argument?
- Do you worry constantly about how others think about you?
- Do you think other people's opinions are more important than yours?
- Does the person you live with have a drinking or drug problem?
- Do you find it hard to adjust to changes in any environment?
- Do you get jealous or feel rejected when your partner spends times with friends/other people?
- Do you have a hard time accepting compliments or gifts from others? [6] X Research source
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Determine if you have feelings caused by codependency. If you are or have been in a codependent relationship for a long time, your continual pattern of repressed emotions, your fixation on the other’s needs, and the continual denial of your personal needs can cause lasting effects. It leads to:
- Feelings of emptiness
- Low self-esteem
- Confusion about your personal needs, goals, and feelings
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Know if you are in a relationship that codependency can affect. Traditionally, codependency was limited to romantic relationships. However, despite this common misconception, you can suffer from codependency in any type of relationship or if you're not in a relationship. It's the relationship with yourself that has become dysfunctional.
- This includes familial and platonic relationships in addition to romantic ones.
- Since it is passed down through families, there may be an instance where your entire familial unit exists or did exist in a codependent state, where all the needs of the family unit are put aside for the well-being of one member of the family. [7] X Research source
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Determine if your partner fits the other role in a codependent relationship. There are two categories of people in a codependent relationship. Your role as the codependent individual is known as the caretaker, while the other individual in the relationship, who would be your partner or loved one, is known as the taker.
- The takers typically have an excessive need for control of the attention, love, sexual relations, and approval they get and give. They will often get these things through expressions of violence, blame, anger, irritation, criticism, neediness, righteousness, incessant talking, invasive touching, or emotional drama.
- The taker individuals will often express these behaviors outside of the codependent relationship, which will affect their children, work relationships, and familial relationships.
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Recognize if your child is also codependent. Codependency can start during childhood, but it's also normal for children to be dependent. Look for codependent behaviors in yourself that you might be passing on to your children. Children will often exhibit similar behaviors as adults, but they may be more subtle because they are still learning the behaviors. Common symptoms of codependent children include:
- Inability to make decisions
- Extreme worry, stress, and/or anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Extreme need to make other people happy
- Fear of being alone
- Being angry often
- Not being assertive in communication with others [8] X Research source
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Understanding the Cause
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Determine if your family has a history of codependency. Codependent behaviors are often passed down through families. This means that somewhere in your past, you were either witness to or part of a codependent relationship. Through being ignored or shamed, you were taught that it was wrong to express any needs, wants, or emotions.
- You may have spent portions of your childhood being called upon to meet the needs of others, which taught you as a child to suppress personal emotional and physical needs as you developed in favor of taking care of a family member.
- When you left this family environment, you may have continued this pattern within your own romantic and other relationships, which may then get passed on to your children. [9] X Research source
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Consider if you have a history of abuse. Another common situation that leads to codependency is a history of abuse or emotional abandonment. It can start very early before you remember if your mother or primary caretaker wasn't able to attune to your needs and feelings. In these situations, you can become codependent as a way to deal with the trauma of the situation. You may suppress and eventually repress emotions and needs in favor of focusing on other’s needs.
- This abuse may have happened during your childhood and continued without intervention from your family. This can also happen in codependent familial relationships. [10]
X
Expert Source
Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 July 2019. - This can be emotional, physical, mental, or sexual abuse. [11] X Research source
- This abuse may have happened during your childhood and continued without intervention from your family. This can also happen in codependent familial relationships. [10]
X
Expert Source
Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
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Recognize common situations that cause codependent relationships. Although codependency issues can occur in any type of relationship or with any person, there are certain types of people that encourage codependent relationships. Codependent relationships often develop between you and a person who needs looking after or taken care of. These types of people include:
- Those suffering from addiction
- Individuals with mental health disorders
- People with chronic illness [12] X Research source
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Look for divorce in your past. Another past experience that may lead to codependency is divorce. In situations with divorce, an opportunity may arise when an eldest child has to step into a parental role to pick up the slack for the absentee parent. In these cases, the parenting of the child may produce behaviors of codependency. [13] X Research source
- You may also not want to discuss these difficulties with the remaining parent so as to not upset them. This leads to the repression of emotions and can lead to codependency.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Treating Codependency
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Discover the root of your codependency. If you find you are codependent, you should see a mental health professional to help determine the root of your condition. Left untreated, codependency worsens over time, like other addictions. Since codependency is often related to childhood dysfunction, you will work with a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health professional to dig into your past to determine the cause. From there, the mental health professional will help you work through these issues in order to heal your condition. The most common forms of treatment are:
- Education about the condition and how it affects you and your relationships [14] X Research source
- Experiential group therapy, which uses movements, actions, and activities to work through your condition with therapy activities such as equine therapy, music therapy, and expressive arts therapy
- Individual and group talk therapy, which focuses on discussing and talking through your issues and experiences
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Learn to focus on yourself. Codependent people often forget who they are and what their own wants, needs, and desires are. When you are seeking treatment for codependency, work with your mental health professional to help you relearn who you are and what you want out of life.
- Since codependent people spend their lives thinking about others, you may not understand how to determine your own needs, wants, goals, and desires. The mental health professional can help you to discover these things. [15] X Research source
- You may also learn how to perform self-care techniques in order to focus on your own well-being. These include reducing your stress, getting enough sleep, and eating well. [16] X Research source
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Create personal boundaries. [17] X Expert Source Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 July 2019. In addition to finding the cause and learning about yourself, you need to break from your current tendency for destructive relationship behaviors and patterns. This can be done by building healthy, flexible boundaries in your relationships. This is often very difficult for a codependent person to accomplish at first, so work with your mental health professional to learn about boundaries and how to incorporate them into your life. This can be done by learning how to:- Lovingly detach yourself from others
- Release your control of others needs and well-being
- Recognize your internal criticisms and personal need for perfection
- Accept yourself and any uncomfortable emotions
- Become assertive about your personal needs and values [18] X Research source
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Join a support group. If you want more help or want to talk to others who are going through the same thing, think about joining a support group. There are some organizations that are geared towards codependency, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon. [19] X Research source
- You can search for group meetings on the Co-Dependents Anonymous website .
- Meetings for Al-Anon, an organization specifically targeted to codependent individuals who have dealt with alcoholic family relationships, can be found on their website .
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What Are The Signs Of a Codependent Relationship?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I fix codependency?Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.Consider the impact of your relationships on your health and wellness. Ask what the relationship is costing you in terms of time and energy. Then, ask what the benefits are and whether they outweigh the costs of the relationship.
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QuestionWhat does a codependent relationship look like?Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.In a codependent relationship, the person who's codependent will usually put the other person's needs before theirs.
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References
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
- ↑ http://proactivechange.com/relationships/codependency.htm
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201310/codependency-in-children
- ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency
- ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201107/when-parents-make-children-their-friend-or-spouse
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/recovery-from-codependency
- ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency
- ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/recovery-from-codependency
- ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency
About This Article
Article Summary
X
A codependent person is someone who is emotionally dependent on another person and often neglects their own needs for them. It can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, and families. If you're codependent, you might avoid or hide your emotions in an attempt to keep the other person happy. Your relationship will feel unbalanced, and you'll always give more than you get back. You might sometimes feel like you're the caretaker of the other person and you might have difficulty saying no or standing up for your own point of view. The other person will often try to control your behavior and opinions. For more tips from our co-author, including how to break free from codependency, read on.
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- "I am 53 yrs old, I know I have problems because I always take care of others' needs and not mine. I feel guilty if someone gives me a present or does something for me. I was physically, mentally, sexually abused as a child, pretty much you name an abuse it has happened to me. I enjoy doing for others, but it's a time in my life that I'm realizing I'm not happy. Why am I so concerned with everyone's happiness other than my own, but I want to be happy. Now I can continue to work on me knowing this. " ..." more
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"I am 53 yrs old, I know I have problems because I always take care of others' needs and not mine. I feel guilty if someone gives me a present or does something for me. I was physically, mentally, sexually abused as a child, pretty much you name an abuse it has happened to me. I enjoy doing for others, but it's a time in my life that I'm realizing I'm not happy. Why am I so concerned with everyone's happiness other than my own, but I want to be happy. Now I can continue to work on me knowing this. "
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"This text has helped me to identify myself as a codependent. The funny thing is that I have always seen my mother as someone codependent, but it is the first time I clearly see myself following the same pattern thanks to item 7 - recognizing codependency."
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"It's a painful lesson to see myself as others must see me. It shines a light on why I can never get into relationships; the healthy ones run when they feel this codependency trying to take them over. The takers take, but I feel unmet and unhappy. "
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"I knew my husband was a narcissist, but am learning I am a codependent. I don't necessarily play by all of these rules, just as I don't have a problem teaching my husband what isn't right, but I do enable a lot, and learning more about myself."
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"Thank you. The pictures of course captured my attention immediately, and the short but detailed and numbered explanation answered many questions recognizing how I contributed to this problem as a parent, and will share with my son."
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