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Causes for your man’s immaturity and advice from relationship experts to encourage his emotional development
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Do you ever feel like the men in your life are just children in large bodies? Maybe they throw tantrums. Maybe they refuse to talk about their feelings. Or maybe they rely on their parents for almost all decisions. If you’re wondering when the man you’re close to will finally grow up, you’ve come to the right place. In this article, we’ll offer you expert insight on when men mature, signs of maturity, and ways he can grow.
Things You Should Know
- Men don’t mature at any specific age. A lot of their emotional development is affected by psychology.
- Some key signs of maturity are dependability, flexibility, self-awareness, respect for your boundaries, and the ability to remain calm in stressful situations such as stressing for hard tests.
- Immature parents or childhood trauma may be the cause of his emotional immaturity.
- Vulnerability is a key sign of maturity. Encourage the men in your life to be more vulnerable and admire their courage when they open up to you.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
What age do men mature?
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There is no exact age that men emotionally mature. While all men’s brains fully develop by the age of about 25, their emotional maturity is heavily influenced by a number of psychological factors. These factors include: independence, self-esteem, and the ability to handle stress. And all of these influences happen at vastly different stages of each person’s life. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- The belief that women mature significantly faster than men is also false. While puberty does affect women at an earlier age than men, there is very little hard evidence that women’s brains mature at a faster rate. Women often act more mature due to societal pressures. [2] X Research source
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Informal research suggests men become mature around 43. A study in 2013 found that men and women alike believe a man is fully mature around 43. That’s 11 years later than women, who participants stated are fully mature at 32. Acts of “maturity” that participants evaluated included: domestic activities like cooking and cleaning, impulse control, and high-stakes decision making. [3] X Research source
- However, more data is needed as this study used no biological research to support its claims and was based entirely on participants’ opinions.
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Section 2 of 4:
Why Maturity Matters in Relationships
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Maturity enhances trust and communication. Mature men are significantly better at owning and following through on their responsibilities. Plus, their more-enhanced communication skills make them better collaborators. This makes it easier to achieve goals and work through conflicts with their loved ones. [4] X Research source
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Emotional maturity makes female partners feel supported. Men behaving in emotionally mature ways takes the pressure off their wives and girlfriends to act like the adults in their relationships. By freeing them of these responsibilities and emotional labors, their partners are then able to focus that energy on bonding and intimacy which enhances their connection. [5] X Research source
- Emotional maturity means recognizing and taking full responsibility for his feelings and decisions. It also means regulating how he shares his emotions so the burden doesn’t fall on other people.
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Section 3 of 4:
Reasons Men Act Immature
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They didn’t have any mature role models growing up. If the man in your life grew up in a household with immature parents or guardians, he may have picked up his emotional instability from them. Some signs of immaturity are obvious like narcissism or a refusal to be held accountable. Others are subtler such as low self-esteem and fear of conflict. [6] X Research source
- Common traits of immature role models are projection, denial, and lack of empathy. Oftentimes, dysfunctional adults place the burden of their own issues on their children and/or refuse to take responsibility when a child expresses a need. This causes issues with autonomy and responsibility as the child gets older.
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People in their life enable their immaturity. The man in your life is not likely to grow up if nobody asks him to. If he surrounds himself with equally immature friends and/or he has other people handle his responsibilities for him, he may struggle to learn self-discipline or how to hold himself accountable.
- The most common enablers of emotionally immature men are their parents. Afraid of their boy growing up and/or their connection fading, parents continue to treat their man like a child or adolescent. They clean up his messes for him (sometimes literally) so he never learns key adult skills. [7] X Research source
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Childhood trauma is blocking their emotional growth. If the man in your life experienced a severe upheaval as a kid, he may be emotionally “stuck” at the age it happened. Help him work through childhood trauma by regularly reminding him that his past does not define him and reaching out to support groups to assure him he’s not alone. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- If the trauma triggers his nervous system (he breathes heavily when talking about it, he gets extremely emotional when it’s brought up), set aside a few minutes a day to do some deep breathing or meditate together. This can help repair the nerves, while building emotional resilience and conflict resolution mechanisms.
- If necessary, have him talk to a therapist or other mental health professional who can offer guidance and patience as he unpacks these wounds.
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Media promotes male immaturity. Movies, TV shows, and social media sometimes promote unhealthy and underdeveloped masculinity. Stoic, violent action heroes are adored for their risky behavior and refusal to emote while comedies punch down at sensitive, emotionally articulate men for being “whiny” or effeminate. [9] X Research source
- Remind your man that he doesn’t have to conform to these roles and that you’ll love him just as much for showing his vulnerability and taking care of himself.
- Consider consuming media with more mature, positive male role models. Choose TV shows, books, or movies that showcase men being rewarded for their dependability and openness instead of their combativeness or crude humor.
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Section 4 of 4:
Signs He’s Mature
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He’s dependable. Mature men follow through on what they say they’re going to do. If the man in your life is mature, you can rely on him for the big and small things alike. He shows up on time, he completes tasks when you ask him to complete them, and he keeps sensitive information between the two of you. [10] X Research source
- Dependability is also about knowing his limitations. Nobody can be perfectly reliable all the time. If your man is mature, he’s clear when he’s unable to do something and he doesn’t make promises he can’t keep.
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He respects your boundaries and sets his own. Mature people understand when no means no. They’ve also done the self-work to understand what they themselves are and aren’t comfortable with. If you draw a line physically, emotionally, or mentally, a mature man acknowledges this limit and refuses to push it, even if he’s upset with you. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- There’s a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls are defensive barriers we put up that have strict limits, harsh punishments, and leave no room for gray area. Boundaries, on the other hand, are malleable. They can bend and we can communicate them comfortably.
- For example, if he puts up walls instead of boundaries, he might say “if you ever touch my hair, I’ll leave you.” If he puts up healthy boundaries, he might say “I appreciate how physically affectionate you are, but it makes me uncomfortable when you touch my hair. Can you show your love in another way?”
- When setting boundaries for yourself, be clear and direct and remind each other that boundaries are not personal. In fact, setting these parameters will lead to a healthier, more intimate dynamic in your relationship.
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He’s comfortable being emotionally vulnerable. Mature people are willing to express feelings that make them feel “exposed,” like fear, sadness, and shame. If the man in your life is mature, he’ll acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious, depressed, or insecure rather than fighting you or pretending he’s okay as a defense mechanism. [12] X Research source
- Vulnerability is a scary feeling. Even mature people put up walls to avoid being vulnerable, because it makes them feel helpless. If he shows you his vulnerable side, clearly communicate that you appreciate his courage and aren’t judging him.
- One great way to encourage vulnerability is to use at least one “I feel ___ because” statement each time you see each other. By setting aside time to acknowledge and reflect on each other’s feelings, you allow yourself to share deeper emotions in a low-stakes way.
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He’s calm in stressful situations. One key sign of maturity is his ability to keep a level head during a crisis. [13] X Research source Mature people don’t overreact, but they also don’t pretend something is okay when it isn’t. If he’s mature, he can recognize the severity of stressful situations, but take action and look toward solutions instead of panicking.
- Nobody’s perfect. We all have moments of anxiety in troubling moments. However, if he’s mature, he’s able to recognize when it’s appropriate to feel distress or anger and when voicing those emotions will only exacerbate the problem.
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He’s self-aware. Self-awareness shows his maturity by proving he has a healthy, developed sense of self. He recognizes his strengths as well as traits he can improve and he accepts that both of these can co-exist without blaming himself or the world around him. [14] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- A great sign of self-awareness is his ability to laugh at himself. If someone makes a joke at his expense or he makes a silly mistake, being playful and self-deprecating demonstrates that he doesn’t take his shortcomings too personally.
- To improve self-awareness in your relationship , try asking each other for honest feedback on how you each come across. Start with compliments and things you like about each other. Then, say something you think you can both improve on. Finish with another compliment.
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He’s flexible. Mature men recognize that compromise is essential in making a friendship or relationship work. He values your opinion in every decision-making process, even if it doesn’t align with his own. He’s also willing to re-evaluate choices as time and people change. [15] X Research source
- Being mature means being flexible, but also putting his foot down when something is important to him. He’s lenient, but clearly communicates when something matters to him too.
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He’s accountable for his actions. Mature men own up to their behaviors and accept fault when they deserve it. They apologize and take full responsibility for where they went wrong, instead of making excuses or blaming others. [16] X Research source
- Taking accountability does not mean accepting unearned blame. If your man takes emotional responsibility for other people’s actions, it may be a sign of low self-esteem. Remind him that other people pointing fingers at him is a reflection of their own insecurities, not his faults.
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He’s supportive instead of controlling. Mature men recognize and promote their loved ones’ achievements. If you mention a new job you want or a new hobby you’re thinking of taking up, a mature man will encourage you to go for it and ask for ways he can assist you. He recognizes that your successes don’t infringe on his capabilities. [17] X Research source
- One way to be more supportive of each other is to check in regularly and remind each other of things you’re good at. Find a skill of his that you admire and discuss a way you think he can develop that skill further. Then, he does the same for you.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat does emotional maturity look like in a man?Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.What we are actually seeking here is someone with insights into their own personal “Emotional Intelligence" (EQ). EQ, or lack thereof, determines whether or not an individual is fully capable of self-regulation. It is divided into four quadrants: self-awareness, self-management, social-awareness, and relationship management. These four quadrants are responsible for an individual’s ability to have a full and balanced life and perspective of the world, being what's perceived as emotionally mature.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS .
References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3621648/
- ↑ https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa15/2015/12/04/why-is-it-said-that-women-are-more-mature/
- ↑ https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/science/men-mature-at-43-women-at-32-study/articleshow/20548581.cms
- ↑ https://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Why-Maturity-Matters-in-Relationships.pdf
- ↑ https://www.business-standard.com/article/pti-stories/men-mature-at-the-age-of-43-study-113061100452_1.html
- ↑ ​​ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202111/4-signs-parent-is-emotionally-immature
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202111/4-signs-parent-is-emotionally-immature
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3968319/
- ↑ https://www.vichealth.vic.gov.au/media-and-resources/publications/healthiermasculinities
- ↑ https://www.harvardbusiness.org/good-leadership-it-all-starts-with-trust/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/daring-be-vulnerable-brene-brown
- ↑ http://psychologyinrussia.com/volumes/index.php?article=3710
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2019/08/18/4-ways-to-take-accountability-for-your-actions-and-why-so-many-dont
- ↑ https://repositories.lib.utexas.edu/handle/2152/20488?show=full
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