How to Cope with a Boss Who Makes You Feel Incompetent

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Handle feeling incompetent in the workplace with confidence
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Whether you've been working at a job for a short or extended period, no one wants to feel like they don't know what they're doing—especially by their boss. When your boss makes you feel incompetent, it can create an unwelcoming environment that you don't always want to go into. We totally understand and we're here to help with a complete guide on what to do when your boss makes you feel incompetent, including signs that you might be able to improve your work performance and how to do so. We even interviewed expert Career Coaches and a Clinical Psychologist to offer you guidance on creating a healthier, happier work environment with your boss.

Things You Should Know

  • Deal with a boss who makes you feel incompetent by adapting to their communication style. Anticipate a micro-manager’s needs through communication and have detailed reports ready.
  • When you feel overwhelmed, address issues calmly and respectfully using “I” and “me” statements. Come prepared with a list of issues and potential resolutions.
  • If your bosses’ behavior escalates, turn to trusted colleagues for advice and guidance. You can also refer to your company’s HR department for further assistance.
Section 1 of 4:

What to Do When Your Boss Makes You Feel Incompetent

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  1. In scenarios in which your boss is asking you to do things outside of your required responsibilities, it can be hard to figure out how to professionally say, "That's not my job." In a situation like this, refer to your documented job description to support your denial and clarify your key responsibilities. [1]
    • When tasks outside of your job responsibility are dumped on you, it can make you feel underappreciated, undervalued, and overworked.
    • If you need access to your job description, refer to your workplace's Career Portal or contact HR for written documentation of the requirements for your role.
  2. Everyone has a different way of communicating—some more effective than others. If your boss is a micromanager, the best way to handle this situation is by anticipating what they'll expect or ask of you. If you know they're going to want to see detailed reports, for example, have them ready to go. [2]
    • It may feel frustrating that they don't trust you, but by regularly anticipating their needs, your boss will be able to see you're someone they don't need to be on top of.
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  3. If you feel your boss is mistreating you, don't be afraid to bring it to their attention calmly and respectfully. As you would address your feelings to a romantic partner, do the same with your boss. Use "I" or "me" statements to express your feelings without placing the blame on them.
    • You could say, "Lately, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload," which sounds better than, "You've been giving me too much work."
    • Certified Career, Leadership, and Happiness Coach Manuela Pauer says, “The key to approaching difficult conversations with your boss is to make it collaborative. You can start by simply envisioning both of you working as a team to find a solution to the problem.” This way, it shows you both have a common goal.
  4. You're not expected to like everyone you work with, but you are expected to be professional in the workplace. If you feel your boss doesn't like you, try to engage in friendly conversation to learn more about their interests outside of work.
    • If your boss is a big baseball fan, you could say, "Hey, did you see the game tonight?"
    • You could also ask about how their weekend was, how their family is doing, or if they're watching any new shows they'd recommend. Keep it light and casual.
    • In a work environment, it can feel like your boss forgets you’re a human being—not a machine. Engaging in friendly conversation will remind your boss that you have a life outside of work and may help your workplace relationship.
  5. It can be disheartening to see other coworkers getting praise or compliments from a boss who only seems to provide negative feedback or criticism. If your boss plays favorites, try not to let that get to you. Do your best work and write down all the successful projects, goals, and achievements you made throughout the work year.
    • Reflect on all the actions you took, the skills and abilities used, and the results you achieved in work-related situations. You can use this list and add it to your growing resume. [3]
    • Your boss may not see all the hard work you put in at first, but by compiling all of your accomplishments and relaying them during your next performance review, you may see some improvements.
  6. While whatever happens externally in your boss's life doesn't excuse their behavior, it helps put things in perspective. Try putting yourself in their shoes to understand what they may be experiencing. [4]
    • Let's say there's a big deadline coming up. Your boss may be more on edge than normal. Try to picture their workload or consider all the moving parts they need to manage to ensure successful projects.
    • By understanding where they're coming from, you can identify potential triggers that may set them off and learn how to avoid them.
    • For instance, they may not have time for an in-person meeting if they're running around a lot. Try emailing any questions or concerns you may have so they can address them independently.
  7. When dealing with a boss that makes you feel incompetent, turn to the people you trust for validation and advice. They can give you insights you weren't privy to and offer advice on approaching your boss and the situation best.
    • It also helps to hear other people's experiences, which can help you feel less alone.
    • If you're nervous about addressing an issue to your boss, Clinical Psychologist Julia Yacoob suggests, “If anything specific is bothering a person, I always encourage them to talk it out with a friend[,] spouse, or therapist in advance and roleplay how to communicate [with] the desired outcome [in mind.]”
  8. If your boss makes your workplace feel unsafe or unwelcome, schedule a meeting with your company’s HR office. “I would recommend preparing [a list],” Life and Career Coach Shannon O’Brien says, “[Include the] top five things you’re not happy with.” If possible, have an additional list of remedies and solutions to resolve the issue.
    • If you feel comfortable having a one-on-one session with your boss, you can approach them with the same list to find solutions together. However, in the case of a hostile boss, stick with your HR department to handle the issue.
  9. If you're unable to resolve your relationship with your boss, it's time to look for new opportunities. Avoid jumping ship until another opportunity is on its way. Do your research into other companies. Learn what their culture is like and the types of leadership or management practices that are put in place. [5]
    • Use resources like LinkedIn or Glassdoor to read through other employees' experiences to find the best fit for you.
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Section 2 of 4:

Why does your boss make you feel incompetent?

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  1. Although external circumstances don't excuse their behavior, in many cases, bosses don't realize they're being ineffective or rude to their team members. They may be so overwhelmed by their own requirements that they can't support you in the way you expect a good manager to do.
    • There's a hierarchy in the workplace, and often, these hierarchies within teams can significantly impact the performance, enjoyment, and time spent on specific projects. For instance, if your manager's boss is putting pressure on them, they do the same to you. [6]
Section 3 of 4:

Signs You Could Improve Your Work Performance

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  1. Some managers feel they’re the only ones who know how to do the job right. They might have difficulty delegating tasks to employees they feel they need to control more closely, which can come off as condescending or like they don’t trust you. When they give you a task, they might always ping you or pull you into the office for updates. [7]
    • To build trust with your boss, give them regular updates about your work. Tell them what you’re doing, how it’s going, and what tasks you’re working on next.
  2. Despite giving every assignment your all, it might seem like your boss never has anything nice to say. They may also fail to provide constructive criticism, so you don’t know which areas to improve.
    • In some cases, managers struggle with finding a balance when delivering criticism. Often referred to as the "compliment sandwich," it's helpful to provide positive validation and then segue into constructive feedback.
  3. While there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, problem-solving is an important skill for many industries. If you struggle to find solutions independently, spend some time expanding your skills by taking new classes or training lessons.
  4. If you weren’t hired to perform an assistant’s duties, it can be discouraging to be asked to do tasks like getting your boss coffee, ordering them lunch, or handling personal matters. This can be a sign your boss doesn’t value the work you were hired to do, so you may want to check in and ask why that might be the case.
  5. It can be difficult to see new hires get promoted before you or discover that external hires were chosen for positions you applied for. While this can be frustrating, the decision might just come down to an experience and qualifications mismatch; the other candidates may have the specific training or experience your company is looking for.
    • This can be your sign to seek out opportunities to get more experience and develop your skills, like asking to work on certain projects, taking training courses, networking, and attending workshops.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Improve Your Work Performance

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  1. If you're unsure what areas need improvement or you’re feeling like your work isn't up to par, schedule a time to meet with your boss about your performance. Go in with a list of items you’d like feedback on and ask for their advice on how to improve .
    • This shows your boss that you care about your job and are taking the initiative to be the best worker you can be.
    • When your boss sees that you’re actively working to improve, they might also give you more space and micromanage you less.
  2. If you're constantly feeling overwhelmed by your work, schedule a time to talk with your boss one-on-one. Identify tasks or triggers that make you feel stressed or overwhelmed and brainstorm solutions to help you feel less anxious at work. When your boss is on the same page as you, they can better help and support you.
    • In this scenario, you could say, "I have been carrying a hefty workload and working overtime for over 3 months. If I continue to work like this, I will burn out and quit. I know that doesn't benefit either of us, so I would like to find a solution with you."
  3. Take a moment to self-reflect, using your boss's feedback and interactions to help gauge where you can improve your performance. This helps you identify areas to work on and set realistic work goals you can achieve . For instance, if your boss micro-manages you, make it a goal to communicate what you’re working on and be proactive to their requests.
    • Setting achievable goals can also help you track your progress without burning yourself out.
  4. No matter your experience level or position, there’s always room to grow at work. It’s totally okay, and even encouraged, to ask for updated training and opportunities to learn new skills that make you a more well-rounded worker. In fact, this helps show your boss that you're driven to improve yourself and produce high-quality work.
    • In a situation where you weren't able to do something effectively and your boss scolds you for it, instead of saying, "You never trained me," try saying, "I'm sorry that didn't meet your standards; this is something new for me, and I'd love to get your insight on how I can improve from my mistakes going forward."
  5. When you're at the same company or in the same role for an extended period, it can be easy to slip into the comfort of routine. However, being unwilling to adapt and learn new skills may signal to your boss that you may not be a flexible worker. [8] When a new process or technology is introduced, show your boss you're interested by asking insightful questions or offering to train other workers on new protocols.
  6. If you often feel overwhelmed by your daily responsibilities or sometimes struggle to meet deadlines, reflect on how you can work more efficiently. Improving your time management skills is all about awareness, arrangement, and adaptation. These 3 skills work together to help you complete tasks promptly and with less stress. [9]
    • Awareness identifies your peak performance time. If you’re more productive in the morning, save more intense tasks for then and leisurely tasks—like answering emails—for the later part of your day.
    • Improve your arrangement skills by utilizing a calendar app to record tasks and appointments or to schedule what tasks you need to accomplish throughout the day and by when.
    • Adaptation can be improved by working in short intervals to help avoid procrastination. For instance, use the Pomodoro method, which consists of working in 25-minute intervals with a 5-minute break between sessions to stay productive and motivated. [10]
  7. Working in an unhealthy environment and experiencing conflict with your boss can lead to burnout, which may impact your quality of work. Take a moment to destress, seek colleague support, or try relaxing activities like meditation or walking around the office or outside. This can help you cope and limit the negative effects of burnout. [11]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/thats-not-my-job
      2. ↑ https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-deal-with-bad-boss
      3. ↑ https://www.umassglobal.edu/news-and-events/blog/writing-an-accomplishment-statement
      4. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2014/01/20/6-strategies-to-hanhandldling-a-bad-boss/?sh=2e8463e16ea0
      5. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2014/01/20/6-strategies-to-hanhandldling-a-bad-boss/?sh=578b3c056ea0
      6. ↑ https://www.stern.nyu.edu/sites/default/files/assets/documents/Cathy%20Zhang_Thesis_NYUNY%20Honors%202018.pdf
      7. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/heidilynnekurter/2021/02/28/4-signs-your-boss-is-a-micromanager-and-how-to-challenge-them/?sh=5a56eb73d2ad
      8. ↑ https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/7-inarguable-signs-youre-an-incompetent-employee
      9. ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/01/time-management-is-about-more-than-life-hacks
      1. ↑ https://todoist.com/productivity-methods/pomodoro-technique
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/burnout/art-20046642

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