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It's normal to have frustrations and insecurities in a relationship. If your girlfriend is talking to someone you dislike or don't trust, you may be inclined to ask her to stop. Make sure you have a good reason to make this request beyond simple jealousy. Ask in a calm, respectful manner to keep things from backfiring. Always be willing to compromise. Your girlfriend may not respond well to you making demands.
Steps
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Explain your feelings with "I"-statements. As this is a delicate situation, phrasing things using "I"-statements can help reduce tension as you place the focus on your feelings. Begin with "I feel..." and state your feeling. Then, explain the behavior that led to that feeling and why you feel the way you do. [1] X Research source
- Don't come into the situation and say something like, "It's hurtful that you're so flirtatious with your ex and it makes me insecure." This can sound hostile.
- Instead, calmly rephrase the above sentiment using an "I"-statement. For example, say, "I feel uncomfortable when you're very touchy and affectionate with your ex because it makes me feel like the two of you still have feelings for each other."
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Be matter of fact. After explaining your feelings, be direct and matter of fact about what you want. [2] X Research source Remember, there is no guarantee she will be receptive. It's probably better to ask her to lessen contact or tone down interactions than demand she not talk to him at all.
- Say something like, "I would feel more comfortable if the two of you didn't talk as much, or if you toned down some of the physical affection, especially in my presence."
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Give her a chance to talk. Asking your girlfriend to change her relationship with someone is a very sensitive topic. It's important your girlfriend has a chance to share how she feels as it is still her decision. After making your case, let her respond without interrupting her. [3] X Research source
- Give non-verbal cues to show you're listening, such as maintaining eye contact and nodding on occasion.
- It can also help to paraphrase what she's said to make sure you understand. For example, say, "So, you feel like the relationship is still important because the two of you were friends before you dated. Is that what you're saying?"
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Remain calm. Yelling, making accusations, calling names, and being otherwise hostile is not going to help the situation. It can be hard to stay calm during a confrontation, but take some deep breaths. Remember, you're trying to improve your relationship and not start a fight. [4] X Research source
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Stay in the present. You're talking about a situation that is occurring right now. You are not discussing the past or other issues, so do not bring these things up. This is likely to make your girlfriend feel judged and get defensive. [5] X Research source
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Be willing to compromise. It's very unlikely your girlfriend will flat out agree to stop speaking to someone as in this you are asking them to break bonds with someone else and this can be a large thing to ask. Therefore, you need to be willing to compromise. Find a solution where you both get what you want to some degree. [6] X Research source
- For example, you could agree to let your girlfriend stay friends with her ex. She could agree to set firmer boundaries and be less physically affectionate with him. This could be a win-win situation for both of you!
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Make sure you're being fair. If you're worried about your girlfriend talking to a guy because he gives you bad vibes, it's appropriate to tell her so. However, if you're simply being jealous, it's not always a good idea to request your girlfriend stay away from a guy. This can easily backfire.
- If you're feeling jealous, look at the situation from a rational perspective. Is your girlfriend really going to be receptive to you asking her to not talk to a guy simply because you're insecure? Probably not.
- Think about if your jealousy is even related to the guy, or if it’s part of a bigger issue. For example, maybe your jealousy is actually a reaction to your girlfriend being busier than usual.
- If jealousy is the main culprit, it's better to have a conversation about why you're feeling jealous and how the two of you can cope as a couple.
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Put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes. In any difficult conversation, empathy is key to successfully talking things out. Before you talk to your girlfriend, sit down and put yourself in her shoes. Try to imagine where she's coming from.
- For example, maybe she talks to an ex-boyfriend and the two often seem flirtatious with each other. While this behavior may feel hurtful to you, perhaps your girlfriend sees it differently.
- Think about how your girlfriend may see this situation. Is she generally affectionate with other friends, regardless of gender? If so, this may simply be how she acts with everyone. She may not see the relationship as a problem.
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Write down your thoughts. Take a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Jot down your thoughts and feelings on the situation. Then, read over the words you wrote down and think about how you could verbally express them. As it's often hard to express yourself during a stressful conversation, having some idea of what to say can help.
- You should not write down what you want to say word for word. It's important to leave some room for flexibility. However, having a rough idea of how you'll phrase things can help.
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Release any expectations you have. If you go into a conversation with specific expectations, you may become frustrated or angry if things unfold differently. You cannot tell the future and you don't know how your girlfriend will react. Releasing expectations can help you go into the situation willing to listen and accept your girlfriend's reactions.
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Take responsibility for your feelings. Unjustified jealousy is your problem and not your girlfriend's. If your girlfriend is not cheating on you or violating your boundaries, you're the one who needs to work on your jealousy. Own up to the fact you're being jealous and do not place the blame on external factors. [7] X Research source
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Remember your good qualities. Jealousy often stems from low self esteem. When you're feeling jealous, remember the good things about yourself. Jot down a list of your best qualities to bring yourself up. [8] X Research source
- It can also help to remind yourself why your girlfriend wants to be with you. Does she say she loves your sense of humor or your kind personality? Keep this in mind, as it can curb feelings of jealousy.
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Assess your jealousy. Jealous people are often chronically insecure. They also may have issues from their past contributing to jealousy. Did you struggle to make attachments to caregivers early in life? Have you been cheated on before, or did one of your parents cheat on the other? [9] X Research source
- If there are major issues contributing to your jealousy, see a therapist to sort them out.
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Manage your emotions in a healthier fashion. Making demands of your girlfriend is not the best means to deal with your jealousy. When you feel jealous, find healthier ways to regulate your emotions. [10] X Research source
- When your thoughts start to get out of control, ground yourself in the present with mindfulness. Tune into your senses and notice the pattern of your breathing.
- Try other stress reduction techniques as well. Journal, exercise, or watch a movie to get your mind off your thoughts.
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Develop interests outside your relationship. If your relationship is the only thing you have going for you, you're more likely to obsess over it. Build up relationships with friends and family members. Take up a hobby or join a club. This way, you'll have more to focus on than your girlfriend's relationship with other men. [11] X Research source
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References
- ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201510/compromise-made-simple-7-handy-tips-couples
- ↑ http://get-a-wingman.com/stop-being-jealous-when-my-girlfriend-talking-to-guys/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/04/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/04/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/
About This Article
Article Summary
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If your girlfriend has been talking to a guy who you don’t like or trust, respectfully and calmly ask her to stop talking to him. Explain your feelings with “I” statements to put the focus on how you feel. Then, explain why you feel the way you do. For example, you might say something like “I feel uncomfortable when you’ve very affectionate with your ex because it makes me feel like you still have feelings for each other.” Then, tell her what you hope the outcome will be, like “I would feel more comfortable if you weren’t so physically affectionate.” Make sure to give your girlfriend a chance to respond to your concerns and be willing to compromise to find a solution that works for both of you. To learn how to overcome your jealousy, keep reading!
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