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This article was written by Leah Morris
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Leah Morris is a Life and Relationship Transition coach and the owner of Life Remade, a holistic personal coaching service. With over three years as a professional coach, she specializes in guiding people as they move through both short-term and long-term life transitions. Leah holds a BA in Organizational Communication from California State University, Chico and is a certified Transformational Life Coach through the Southwest Institute for Healing Arts.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 259,245 times.
If social events fill you with dread, you're not alone! But most people are more focused on themselves than they are on you. The reality is that even if you say or do something a little awkward, people probably won't even remember it the next day. The most important thing is to stay true to yourself. Read on for more tips on how to be more socially confident and walk into the next party or event with your head held high.
This article is based on an interview with our life and relationship transition coach, Leah Morris, owner of Life Remade. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
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Take baby steps in public that you can gradually build on. If you're not very socially confident, you don't want to start by attending a large formal event with a bunch of people you don't know. Instead, set a goal to have small, positive social interactions throughout your day. As you go about your life, keep your head up and make eye contact with people you pass. Smile and say hi, or strike up a conversation with a cashier or clerk. Here are some other things you can try: [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Compliment a stranger on their hair or a piece of clothing they're wearing.
- Waive and say "hi" to your neighbor as you leave in the morning or come home in the evening.
- Buy a coffee for the person behind you in line.
- Stop to let another driver get over in traffic or get in front of you.
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Learn what you can about the venue and the people ahead of time. This is advice normally given to people giving formal presentations, but it works for casual events too! Look up the place where the event is being held online or even go over there ahead of time and check it out. The fewer unknowns you have, the more comfortable you'll be. [2] X Research source
- Look at pictures of the place so you know what to expect—especially if you've never been there before. It can be nerve-wracking to walk into a new place and not know where to go.
- If you have an idea of some of the people who are going to be there, you might also look them up on social media and see what you can learn about them. This will give you some ideas for conversation starters as well.
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Practice simple conversations so you'll know what to say. This can be especially helpful if you're someone who tends to freeze or clam up when you feel like you've been put on the spot. The point isn't to have a rehearsed conversation that you memorize but to have plenty of options so you feel more relaxed and at ease starting conversations. [3] X Research source
- Think about some fun stories you have about yourself, things that you're interested in, or jokes that you love. These all make great conversation starters and allow your personality to shine through.
- You might also try striking up conversations online or while gaming. These are more low-pressure situations because you're not face-to-face with the person you're talking to.
- Ask your friends and family members for positive reinforcement as well. They can tell you things about you that they love and that will really boost your confidence.
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Embrace your authentic personality and let it shine. A big part of self-care is learning to accept yourself where you are right now, whatever you're going through. Be present for yourself and figure out what your needs are, then do what you can to fulfill those needs yourself. But don't try to make yourself into something or someone that you're not.
- Avoid comparing yourself to other people. It can destroy your confidence to see other people and think that they must have it all together and they're so much better than you. Instead, ask yourself what you can learn from that person.
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Tell yourself that you're going to have a great time. Often, someone's lack of confidence comes from imagining that the worst-case scenario will happen. If you believe that you're going to have a terrible time and no one's going to like you or want to talk to you, you're probably going to feel pretty anxious. Instead, tell yourself that you're going to have a great time and meet a lot of cool and interesting people.
- When you dread interacting with people, you're probably also going to shy away from them and not be very open to conversations. And if you seem closed off, people won't approach you.
- In a lot of ways, your internal monologue can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—if you tell yourself that you're going to have a great time, you likely will!
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Ask people questions to get them to talk about their interests. When you approach people with an open mind and curiosity, you're not putting any barriers between you. People will automatically be more interested in you because they'll sense that you're interested in them. Just ask people open-ended questions about their life and their interests and ask follow-up questions based on what they say.
- For example, if there's a baseball game playing on TV, you might ask the person sitting next to you, "What's your favorite baseball team and why?" When they answer, you can ask follow-up questions about when they started following that team or who their favorite players are, the options are endless.
- Keep in mind that you don't necessarily have to know about what the person's talking about to keep them talking. When you ask them questions, you give them a chance to teach you about something they love—and most people love doing that!
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Try to look for what you have in common with others. Connecting over common interests can lay the groundwork for all kinds of engaging new relationships, romantic or otherwise!
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Show that you care and have empathy for their situations. Not every social situation is going to go exactly like you hoped, and that's okay! You'll likely encounter people who seem rude or overly negative, or who just rub you the wrong way. Show them compassion and recognize that something is likely going on with them that has nothing to do with you.
- For example, if your friend rushes out, you could text or call them later to see if they're okay. They'll appreciate your compassion and understanding.
- If someone says something that bothers you or offends you, stand up for yourself without being mean. For example, you might say, "Ouch! That was pretty harsh. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm going to go talk to someone else."
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Let go and try not to take rejection personally. [4] X Research source It's not your responsibility to please everyone. Sometimes you're going to start talking to someone whose interests just don't align with yours, and that's okay! Instead of trying to push things, just make a polite excuse and move on to someone else.
- For example, you might say, "Listen, it's been great chatting, but I see a friend over there I want to speak with. See you later!"
- If a person you're trying to speak with isn't responding, that's on them, not you! Shrug it off and move on.
- Remember also that it's not anyone else's responsibility to validate you or meet your needs. When you're being your true authentic self, you can pretty quickly see when the vibe is off with someone.
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Pay attention instead of thinking about what you're going to say. When you listen actively , you focus on what the other person is saying. You might even paraphrase what they said back to them to show that you're listening. Then, ask questions that are related to something they said. Use fillers, such as "yeah," to show that you're listening, but don't interrupt them.
- Use eye contact to show them that you're paying attention to them and not overly distracted by what's going on around you.
- When you're nervous, it might be tempting to fidget or look at your phone. Avoid doing these things because they'll make the person talking think you're not interested in what they have to say.
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Sit or stand with your shoulders back and your feet wide. When you sit or stand with confidence, you project confidence to everyone else. You'll seem friendly and approachable and people will want to talk to you. Make eye contact when someone glances in your direction to encourage them to interact with you.
- Keep your stance open to the scene around you. If you cross your arms or hunch your shoulders, you look closed off or like you don't want to be there.
- Don't forget to smile! A smile always seems friendly and welcoming and will put others at ease around you.
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Enunciate your words and talk loudly enough for people to hear. This can be tough if you're self-conscious, but you want to make sure anyone you're talking to can hear what you're going to say. Making eye contact is important here as well. If you mumble and look down at the floor, people will struggle to hear you and may even assume you're not talking to them.
- Keep in mind that talking to people socially is not about putting on a performance, it's about making a connection. If you want to make a connection with someone, they have to be able to hear and understand you!
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Try different events that are a little outside your comfort zone. Enter new situations with a commitment to learning as much as possible. Focus on the learning process and approach people openly, asking them questions and really listening. You might be nervous, but go with the intention to learn as much as possible about this new place or these different people.
- If you feel stuck or don't know what to say, lean on the fact that you're in a situation you've never been in before. For example, you might say, "I've never been here before and it's really overwhelming! What's your favorite thing to do here?"
- Getting out of your comfort zone is a really great way to make your life more interesting and learn new things—about yourself as well as about the world.
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Watch what your confident friends do and try to emulate them. Going to events for the first time with a confident, sociable friend is great if you want to ease into social situations. They can introduce you to people and help smooth the way so you feel less pressure. [5] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, your friend might introduce you to someone by saying, "Hey, Josh! I'd like you to meet my good friend Sasha. Sasha also plays guitar."
- Ask sociable friends for tips as well—they can give you ideas for conversation starters or help you out with an introduction.
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Join a social club or group devoted to something you enjoy. Search social media for local groups that are aligned to something you like. When you meet other people who have that interest in common with you, it will be a lot easier to talk to them. You don't have to struggle with conversations as much when everyone is there for the same reason. [6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, if you love to rock climb, you could go to the rock climbing gym and strike up a conversation with others who love rock climbing. Then you have built-in conversation starters about equipment, techniques, or trips you've been on!
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Take every opportunity you can to practice your social skills. As with anything else, you get better at social interaction when you practice a lot. You'll get better and, as you get better, you'll naturally become more confident with your skills. If you discover that a particular type of social event isn't your thing, you don't have to do it again—but you'll never know until you try at least once. [7] X Research source
- Remember that avoiding things will make you even more anxious about them when they do come up! If you push yourself to go out more, it will gradually get easier.
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Take charge of your social life by planning outings yourself. When you plan a party or other gathering, you can invite the people you want and have it at a place where you feel comfortable. Because you're in charge, you'll automatically feel more at ease and find it easier to be yourself. [8] X Research source
- This is also a great way to get more familiar with people who you might want to get to know better. For example, you might invite a handful of people you like to a gathering at your favorite park.
- If you feel like you're better with smaller groups, you might invite 2 or 3 people you want to get to know better to come to play miniature golf or go bowling with you.
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Keep a record of your interactions to evaluate your progress. When you write in your journal about your social experiences, good and bad, you have the opportunity to witness your thoughts. This can help you untangle some negative thought patterns that aren't serving you or are weighing you down.
- Write about what happened and how you reacted. If you were in a situation where you felt uncomfortable or didn't know what to say, brainstorm some ways you can handle that differently in the future.
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Learn from your mistakes so you can grow more socially confident. Look at negative events that happen with curiosity and ask yourself what needs to change about that situation that would make it more positive. Use it as an opportunity to grow and understand how you can handle that situation better in the future.
- When you look at mistakes you've made in social contexts as opportunities to learn and grow, you're treating yourself with kindness and giving yourself the space to figure out what you need to do.
- Remember that growth isn't a linear process—you won't be getting progressively better all the time. Sometimes you'll slip up or make mistakes, and that's normal. That's how you learn.
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Stay away from safety behaviors that cut you off from people. If you're used to scrolling on your phone when you don't want to socialize so you look preoccupied, you're not alone. A lot of people use these types of "safety behaviors" to avoid situations that might make them feel anxious or uncomfortable. But over time, these behaviors just reinforce your negative thoughts about social situations and make it even harder for you to socialize with confidence. [9] X Research source
- For example, instead of scrolling social media on your phone, you might look for an approachable person and strike up a conversation. Just walk up and say, "Hi, I just got here—what should I do first?"
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Ground your energy with daily meditation to increase your confidence. When you meditate , you learn how to refocus your energy and calm your nervous system by staying in the present moment. The more often you do it, the stronger and more confident you'll gradually become. Meditation also helps you identify feelings that are passing through you and become less attached to or overwhelmed by them.
- Meditation also makes it easier for you to stay in the moment and really notice everything that's going on around you, which can give you better social and conversation skills and make you more confident.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1019 wikiHow readers, and 55% said that being in a group of new people causes them a lot of stress or anxiety. [Take Poll] So if you also experience those feelings when you’re meeting new people, you’re definitely not alone!
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A therapist or social skills coach can help you build your confidence. If you're having trouble improving your social confidence on your own, don't be afraid to turn to a therapist for help. They can help you figure out what's holding you back and give you concrete exercises that will help you face your fears and become more confident. [10] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Cognitive behavioral therapy is one method in particular that's very effective at helping people become more socially confident.
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ https://sueannkern.com/blog/how-to-calm-your-nerves-before-a-presentation/
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-be-less-socially-awkward
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200307/build-your-confidence
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-overcome-social-anxiety/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200307/build-your-confidence
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200307/build-your-confidence
- ↑ https://www.pennmedicine.org/news/news-blog/2022/april/struggling-with-social-anxiety-as-we-prepare-for-reentry-post-covid-anxiety
About This Article
This article was written by Leah Morris
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Leah Morris is a Life and Relationship Transition coach and the owner of Life Remade, a holistic personal coaching service. With over three years as a professional coach, she specializes in guiding people as they move through both short-term and long-term life transitions. Leah holds a BA in Organizational Communication from California State University, Chico and is a certified Transformational Life Coach through the Southwest Institute for Healing Arts. This article has been viewed 259,245 times.
7 votes - 72%
Co-authors: 28
Updated: June 21, 2024
Views: 259,245
Categories: Confidence
Article Summary
X
Being socially confident is all about learning to deal with anxious thoughts and practicing interacting with people. If you find yourself getting anxious, try challenging those thoughts. For example, if you think someone might find you boring, ask yourself what evidence you actually have to support it. This will help you distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts and stay calm. You should also make good eye contact with people, which will help you relax around them. The more you look at people and interact with them, the more comfortable you’ll feel. If you focus on getting to know people, you’ll become less self-conscious as your perspective shifts away from yourself. Remember that practice makes perfect. Often, people seem really confident because they’re just more used to interacting with others. So get out there, expose yourself to social situations and watch yourself get more and more confident! For more tips from our co-author, including how to maintain confident body language, read on!
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Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 259,245 times.
Reader Success Stories
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Anonymous
Sep 15, 2016
"Nice article that explains the how-to of social interaction and bettering your social confidence without suggesting extreme things that introverts are not comfortable doing." ..." more
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7 votes - 72%
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% of people told us that this article helped them.
Co-authors: 28
Updated: June 21, 2024
Views: 259,245
Anonymous
Sep 15, 2016
"Nice article that explains the how-to of social interaction and bettering your social confidence without suggesting extreme things that introverts are not comfortable doing."
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Holly Deston
Sep 25, 2016
"I am introverted and I feel like people find me annoying for not knowing how to answer. I will try these methods from now on, and see how it goes!"
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Sophie Mcausland
Mar 19, 2017
"Yes, I struggle with confidence. My friend and I need some tips to calm down with confidence."
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Thuto Kamogelo
Aug 11, 2019
"I am eager to try out these tips to improve my social confidence. Thank you so much."
Anonymous
Jan 28, 2017
"This article has helped me step out of my comfort zone at a reasonable pace!"
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