How to Deal With a Depressed Parent

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: August 6, 2024 Approved

It’s difficult to know your role when your parent has depression. Depending on your age, there may be very little you can do to help, but there are some things which may help you to deal with having a depressed parent.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding the Situation

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1
Know the symptoms of depression. You may notice that your parent has disengaged from activities that they used to enjoy. Your parent may seem sad, hopeless, or act helpless. You may notice changes in weight (putting on weight or losing weight) or changes in sleep (sleeping very often or not sleeping enough). ^{[1]
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- Your parent may have different behavior, such as feeling more irritable, aggressive, or short-tempered than usual.
- Your parent may lack energy and may appear exhausted much of the time.
- Watch out for increases in alcohol consumption or drug use. If your parent has changed habits with alcohol or drugs (including prescription medications and sleeping pills), this may be related to depression.
2
Recognize myths about depression. Many people don't know much about depression. Understanding how it works can help you know what's going on. Here are some important things to know: ^{[2]
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- There isn't always a clear cause. Depression isn't always caused by one bad thing. Sometimes, people get sick.
- Pills won't change who your parent is. Meds help them feel more "normal," like they were before the depression. Their personality won't change. (Though if your parent has a strange reaction to the wrong meds, that's called a side effect, and they should ask their doctor about stopping the meds safely.)
- It's not on purpose. Depression is an illness, not a bad mood or a personal weakness. If your parent could magically make it go away, they would.
- It's not contagious. You can't catch depression from anyone.
- Talking about it is healthy. Some people worry that talking about depression will make it worse. Actually, talking about it can help the person feel less alone.
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3
Know the difference between depression and abuse. Plenty of people with depression are still able to treat their kids fairly. Sometimes, people with depression feel cranky or down. But that's not an excuse to be cruel. Your parent may be abusive if they do one or more of these to you or someone else:
- Name-calling, insulting, or belittling (even after you ask them to stop)
- Screaming at you
- Threatening your safety
- Blaming you for things you can't control, like being born
- Cutting you off from the rest of the world
- Breaking things in order to scare you
- Telling you to steal, bully someone, or commit a crime
- Hitting, pushing, kicking, etc. (even if it doesn't leave a mark)
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Recognize suicidal behaviors. Sometimes, what looks like a sudden recovery is actually a sign that the person is preparing to die. It's scary to think about, but familiarizing yourself with suicidal behaviors is important if your parent has depression. People who are contemplating suicide often show signs, and knowing what they are ahead of time means you can be ready if you need to act. ^{[4]
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Research source} Some signs that a person is in danger of attempting suicide include: ^{[5]
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- Giving away belongings
- Saying goodbye to people or trying to create one last good memory for them
- Talking about going away or getting their affairs in order
- Talking about death or suicide, possibly talking about hurting themselves
- Talking about feeling hopeless
- A sudden change in behavior, such as calmness after a period of anxiety
- Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as increased alcohol or drug use
- Saying that you would be better off without them, that they don't want to be here anymore, that it will be over soon, or similar statements
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Take action if you think your parent is in danger. If you think your parent is suicidal, call or text a suicide crisis helpline at 988 or an emergency service at 911 in the United States or Canada. If your parent is threatening self-harm or suicide, has a weapon or lethal means (such as pills), is talking about suicide and is acting agitated or anxious, or is in the process of an attempt, call emergency services (such as 911) immediately. ^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Helping

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1
Talk to your parent. It can be scary to bring up the topic of depression, especially when it’s with your parent. If you are concerned and feel like things will not get better, it’s okay to start a conversation about depression. Approach your parent from a place of concern and care. Remind your parent how important he is to you, and that you want to see him happy.
- Say, “I’m concerned about you and your health. Have things changed? How are you doing?”
- You can also say, “I’ve noticed things have changed, and you seem sadder than usual. Is everything okay?”
- If your parent says something about how they "don't want to be here anymore," you should seek help right away.
2
Encourage your parent to seek therapy. After you’ve had a heartfelt discussion with your parent, urge them to find a therapist. It’s important to understand that you are not responsible for your parent’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior, especially related to depression. Encourage your parent to see a therapist. Therapy can help reframe negative thought patterns, identify triggers, practice coping skills, and practice preventative measures to reduce symptoms of depression in the future. ^{[7]
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- Say to your parent, “I want to see you healthy and happy, and I think a therapist could help you with that. Would you consider reaching out to a therapist?”
3
Try family therapy. While individual therapy can help the individual gain skills, involving the whole family in therapy can be helpful for everyone. ^{[8]
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Research source} When a parent suffers from depression, the whole family may suffer. Family therapy can help your family communicate and work out issues that come up.
- If you feel like you are carrying much of the weight of family functioning, family therapy is a great place to bring that up and come up with compromises.
4
Know how to be supportive when your parent opens up to you. Show that you hear them and that you care. Don't tell them how to feel. Let them know you care. Even if you're struggling to find their words, staying with them and holding their hand can mean a great deal. Here are some examples of helpful things to say:
- "I can see how hard this is for you."
- "What can I do to help?"
- "What do you need right now?"
- "I know you're doing your best."
- "We'll get through this together."
- "I love you."
5
Spend time with your parent. Your parent loves you, even if they are unable to show it clearly to you. ^{[9]
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Research source} Show your parent that you love them back by making a point to spend time together. Your parent may want to spend time with you, but lack the energy to do so. You can take the initiative and invite them to do something with you. Do activities that both of you find enjoyable.
- Cook dinner together.
- Draw together.
- Walk the dog together.
- Read to them.
- Ask for homework help.
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Go outdoors with your parent. Nature, sunshine, and fresh air can relax your parent and help them feel better. Going for a walk outside can help depression and stress. Observe the trees and the animals and enjoy being in nature.
- Go to a park or a nature preserve and take a walk together.
- Even a stroll around the block while walking the dog counts.
7
Show that you love your parent. Sometimes depressed people feel unloved or unwanted, and a reminder can boost positive feelings. You can write a note, send a card, or draw a picture. Whatever you do, make it clear that you love them.
- If you don’t live with your parent, you can send a card or an e-mail to show that you are thinking about your parent and love them.
8
Harness the power of human touch. Give your parent a big hug. People that lack affection tend to be more lonely and struggle with depression at higher rates. People who experience adequate affection are generally happier and healthier individuals. ^{[10]
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- Hug your parent as often as you feel comfortable.
- Offer a light touch on the shoulder or arm for support.
9
Talk to your younger siblings about what's going on. If you have little siblings, they may realize that something is different with your parent, but not know what. They may worry that it's their fault. Explain to them as best as you can, as simply as you can.
- "Dad has depression, and sometimes he acts cranky and stays in bed a lot. It's not your fault, and he still loves you very much."
- "Mommy has a sickness that makes her really sad and tired. That's why she moves slowly, and why she cries and forgets to do the chores. This happened all by itself, and none of us can control it. She's seeing a doctor to help her feel better. While we wait for her to get better, we can help by being kind and helping out with the chores."
10
Help with chores when you can. Depression can come with fatigue and difficulty getting things done. Your parent may feel overwhelmed by all the chores. It's not your job to fix it, but you can help here and there. Here are little things you can do when you have time, depending on your abilities:
- Clean your room
- Take out the trash
- Clean the kitchen or bathrooms
- Do laundry
- Help with or make healthy meals
- Do the dishes or load the dishwasher
- Help take care of kids
- Drive siblings around
Keep in mind: You can help, but you shouldn't have to take care of everything. It's okay if some of the less important chores (like cleaning) get skipped. If a lot of important chores are getting missed or falling on you, get help from other family members. You shouldn't have to take on too much.
11
Look for help if you parent can no longer take care of themselves or children in the house. Severe depression can make someone too tired to do the most basic tasks—showering, going to work, making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc. Your parent neglecting themselves might mean your needs are neglected, too.
- If your needs are being neglected, you need to reach out for help. For example, perhaps you live with your dad and your stepmom, and your dad has depression. You can try talking to her about what's going on with dad and say that you think he needs help. You can also call a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or even a friend's parent or teacher.
- If you are an adult, talk to your parent about getting help. If they're reluctant to see a therapist, you may have better luck convincing them to go in to his doctor for a general checkup. Set boundaries about what you are willing and able to do for your parent. Remember that you can't fix your parent. They won't get better unless they're willing to accept help.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Caring For Yourself

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1
Put your basic needs first. Your first job is to take decent care of yourself. You are not your parent's or your siblings' caregiver. You can help out after you have made sure you are okay. Prioritize things like:
- Sleeping and eating well
- Getting good grades in school
- Having time to relax as needed
- Taking care of your emotional needs
2
Avoid blaming yourself. You may feel guilty or feel like you did something "wrong" to upset your parent, but this is not the case. ^{[11]
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Research source} There are usually many reasons why a person gets depressed, making the occurrence of depression more complex than just one or two reasons. Many people become depressed because they have factors in their backgrounds that make them more vulnerable to developing depression.
- Avoid beating yourself up for your mistakes. You didn't cause your parent's depression, and blame and guilt won't fix anything.
- Even if you aren't a perfect child, that still doesn't cause depression. Depression often comes from chemical imbalances in the brain, genetic predispositions, and/or severely unhealthy circumstances (e.g. abuse victimization or a very toxic work environment).
3
Avoid taking things personally. Your parent may be moody, sad, or cranky. Either way, a depressed parent may say things that they don't mean. ^{[12]
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Research source} You may feel like you are the cause of stress in your parent’s life. Knowing that your parent’s emotions are different — which can cause behavior changes — can help you realize that these things are not true.
- If your parent says something upsetting, take a deep breath and say "That hurt my feelings" or "If you're going to keep talking to me this way, then I'm going to leave."
- You can also speak up after the fact, if you were too confused or startled to respond in the moment. During a calm time, say "It really hurt my feelings earlier when you said _____." This gives them the opportunity to apologize and try to do better.
- After they apologize, do your best to let it go. Remember that depression messes with people's minds, and that people can say things that they don't mean.
4
Spend time with people who make you happy. Go out with friends, spend time with positive people, and enjoy your life. ^{[13]
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Go to source} Don't be afraid to get out of the house and do things. Fun outings can provide you with the mental balance you need to stay afloat at home.
- Don’t let your parent’s care and household duties become your life. It’s not your responsibility to be the caretaker. Offer your help but don’t let it take over.
- It's important to set boundaries with your parent. If your parent relies on you to make him feel good or whole, this is an unhealthy dynamic that can have major repercussions on your own mental health. ^{[14]
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- Try setting small boundaries at first, and try to do so without anger or judgement. For instance, if your parent over-shares with you, telling you more about his problems than is appropriate, you could say something like, "Dad, I love talking with you, but this is a little more than I can handle. I think Aunt Susan could really help you with this problem."
5
Get out of the house. Things may be stressful at home when your parent has depression. It's healthy to take a break from that environment sometimes. Try to leave the house every day, even if it's just to take a walk around the block.
- Helping your parent can be part of your life, but it shouldn't be all of your life. You need time to yourself.
6
Talk about your feelings. Your emotions are important, and it isn't healthy to bottle them up. Find someone who is a good listener and confide in them. ^{[15]
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- Your parent may be too sick to fill a parental role, so search for other adults who can be mentors to you. Consider older siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, spiritual leaders, and family friends.
7
Find ways to let out your feelings. It's natural to feel stressed, worried, and sad when your parent has depression. It’s important for you to cope with your feelings by having healthy outlets to de-stress and recharge. Try keeping a journal, drawing or painting, listening to music, or writing. ^{[16]
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- Find activities that relax you or help you feel good. This may include sports, going for a run, or playing with a family pet.
- You can't pour from an empty cup. Similarly, you can't help your parent if you're frazzled or exhausted yourself. Take plenty of time to rest and relax.
8
Remember that it's okay to cry. Having a depressed parent is difficult. Your feelings are natural and valid. Crying is a great way to release your emotions in a healthy way. Crying can make you feel better because tears release stress hormones and toxins. ^{[17]
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- Don’t feel ashamed to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying or expressing your emotions, alone or in public.
- Give yourself as much time as you need to let your tears out. If you feel more comfortable, you can excuse yourself to cry somewhere private, like your bedroom or the bathroom.
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Recognize that your parent still loves you. Depression can do strange things to your parent's mind and behaviors — wearing them down, altering their feelings, and causing them to say things they don't really mean. They're going through a hard time. That doesn't change their love for you. ^{[18]
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