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Determine if someone’s dumping their emotions on you
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You may have heard of the term “emotional dumping” before, but it seems like everyone has a different take on what it means. Is it positive, negative, or something in between? And, how can you recognize when it’s happening? In this article, we’ll go over the definition and common signs of emotional dumping (plus, how it’s different from venting). We'll also talk about ways you can set boundaries around this behavior and how to stop emotional dumping if you find yourself doing it.
Things You Should Know
- Emotional dumping happens when someone overshares their thoughts and feelings without consideration for the listener’s emotional state.
- The speaker overwhelms the listener with multiple issues, and they blame other people for their problems.
- Unlike emotional dumping, venting is a healthy exchange between 2 people, where the speaker only focuses on one issue and is willing to find a solution.
Steps
Section 4 of 5:
How to Set Boundaries Around Emotional Dumping
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Communicate that emotional dumping negatively affects you. Set healthy boundaries in your relationship by being honest about your feelings and letting the speaker know that you’re not in the right space to support them. Instead of interrupting them in the middle of a conversation, wait until they finish speaking, and be sure to mention that their feelings are valid. [6] X Research source
- Feel free to be as specific as possible in terms of how the other person is affecting you so they know when they might be overstepping.
- For example, you could say, “I understand that you’re upset, but I haven’t been in a good headspace lately. When you talk to me about your problems at work, it makes me feel overwhelmed. Could we maybe talk about something else?”
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Set time limits around emotional conversations. If someone begins dumping their emotions on you, express that you have limited time for deep discussions. This may prevent the speaker from complaining about multiple issues and dragging out the conversation. You can set a physical timer to reinforce this boundary, then walk away from the speaker after the timer goes off. [7] X Research source
- To set boundaries around your availability, you might say, “I totally understand that you’re upset, but I’m also going through a lot right now. Is it okay if we just talk for 15 minutes?”
- If you don’t have any time or energy to listen to the other person, you could also say, “I know that you’re stressed right now, and I want to be there for you, but now isn’t a good time for me.”
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Distance yourself until the speaker is in a better place. If the speaker continues to dump their emotions on you (and you’ve clearly communicated your boundaries), interpret it as a sign to step away from the relationship. You tell them that you’re busy when they ask you to hang out, or respond to their calls and messages slowly if they won’t give you space. [8] X Research source
- Although it’s normal to experience guilt when you establish boundaries, remember that it’s not your responsibility to be anyone’s therapist. Setting limits around your time and energy is an important form of self-care, which allows you to manage your physical and mental health.
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Emotionally Detached?
Section 5 of 5:
How to Stop Dumping Your Emotions on Others
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Ask the other person if you can share your emotions with them. To shift emotional dumping into a healthy conversation, check in on the listener before you bring up your emotions. You could ask them how they’re doing to show consideration for their emotional state, then see if they would be open to a conversation. Before expressing your thoughts, be sure to let the listener know if you’re seeking advice or validation. You could say: [9] X Research source
- “I’m dealing with a problem at work, and I wanted to ask if you have time to listen. I’m not looking for advice, but I feel very stressed and overwhelmed.”
- “I’m going through a rough patch right now, and I wanted to see if you’re free to listen. If not, that’s okay. Just let me know when you’re available.”
- “Can I vent to you about something for 5 minutes? I’m having a problem with my boyfriend, and I just need a little support.”
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Choose one topic to discuss. Bringing up multiple issues can extend the length of your conversation and cause the listener to feel overwhelmed. Instead, focus on the issue that’s causing you the most stress and clearly explain how it’s affecting you. You might want to jot down the main points of your problem in your Notes app so you remember certain details and respect the listener’s time. [10] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- If you have multiple issues, discuss them with different people. For instance, you might discuss financial issues with your mom and relationship issues with your best friend.
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Ask the listener for advice to help you find a solution. If you express your problems to the listener and start to feel worse, take a step back and ask them to offer perspective. This can help you reframe your experience and possibly find a solution. And it also makes the listener feel heard and valued, which can strengthen your relationship in the long run. To ask someone for advice, you might could say: [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- “What would you do in my situation?”
- “How should I think about this differently?”
- “Do you know of any resources that could help me out?”
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Hold yourself accountable for your actions. Instead of blaming other people for your problems, think about how you contributed to the situation. If you acted differently, would things be better, worse, or the same? By reflecting on your actions and possible weaknesses, you can find ways to improve yourself and stop being a victim . [12] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Try to identify what triggered your emotions, so you can avoid those triggers or find ways to deal with them effectively . For instance, if you always get upset after your sibling calls, you could limit your interactions to texts or set stricter boundaries around your availability.
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See a therapist if you’re struggling to control your emotions. If talking to a loved one doesn’t relieve your stress, reach out to a mental health professional to learn how to respond to situations in a healthy manner. A therapist can also help you understand the root cause of your behavior, including why you tend to dump your emotions on others and focus on certain issues. [13] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you tell someone to stop emotionally dumping on you?Alexandra Janelli is a Certified Hypnotherapist, Anxiety & Stress Management Coach, and owner and founder of Modrn Sanctuary, a holistic health and wellness facility in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. With over 10 years of experience, Alexandra specializes in helping clients push through their roadblocks to achieve their goals using her hypnotherapeutic approach. Alexandra holds a BS from the University of Miami. She graduated from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute with an Advanced Training Graduate Diploma in Hypnotherapy and Handwriting Analysis. Alexandra is also a Certified Life Coach from the iPEC Coach Training Program. She has worked with Academy Award Nominee Actors, world-renowned photographers, singers, top-level executives, and professionals across many sectors of business. Alexandra has been featured on MTV, Elle Magazine, Oprah Magazine, Men's Fitness, Swell City Guide, Dossier Journal, The New Yorker, and Time Out Chicago.It's all about understanding how you want to communicate with that someone. You can do it with anger and frustration, or with kindness and thoughtfulness. You can also have an open forum-style conversation about why you need them to stop emotionally dumping.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about psychological health, check out our in-depth interview with Alexandra Janelli .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/202006/why-people-dump-their-partners
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-trauma-dumping/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201709/the-difference-between-venting-and-dumping
- ↑ https://www.sagu.edu/thoughthub/the-psychology-of-venting/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201709/the-difference-between-venting-and-dumping
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-dumping/
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-dumping/
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-dumping/
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-dumping/
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