What’s the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

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Compare kinks to fetishes with the help of an expert sex coach
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Fetishes and kinks are both unique in the sense that they’re sexual things that aren’t always seen in the bedroom, but there’s a great difference between the two. In this article, with the help of sex & intimacy coach Shelby Devlin, MA, we explain the difference between a fetish and kink, list examples of fetishes and kinks, explain how to embrace your fetishes and kinks, and more! Read out to learn everything you need to know about how the two compare.

How are fetishes different from kinks?

According to sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin, MA, “a fetish is a need -to-have. A kink is a nice -to-have.” In other words, a fetish is a sexual fixation you need to achieve optimal arousal, while a kink is something that you just like during sex. Fetishes also typically involve non-sexual things, like body parts or fabrics.

Section 1 of 7:

Kink vs. Fetish: Key Differences

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  1. 1
    Kinks are things you like during sex, while fetishes are things you need for sex. According to Devlin, fetishes and kinks are different based on their necessity in the bedroom. “A fetish is a need-to-have. A kink is a nice-to-have,” she says. Kinks are things you enjoy incorporating into your sex life but can go without, while fetishes are “desires connected to a stimulus that’s necessary,” explains Devlin. [1]

    Meet the wikiHow Expert

    Shelby Devlin, MA , is Sex & Intimacy Coach with over 7 years of experience guiding couples and individuals in strengthening their capacity for intimacy and pleasure.

  2. 2
    Fetishes are typically more specific and intense than kinks. Those who have fetishes tend to require them during sex, with little flexibility for the other party involved. When having sex, a fetish may need to be displayed in a particular way for sexual arousal, whereas a kink can be casually incorporated at any frequency either party prefers, and isn’t required for sexual arousal.
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  3. 3
    Fetishes are often considered more taboo than kinks. Kinks are still fairly taboo, but they’re more socially accepted than fetishes. This is due to a variety of factors, such as how specific fetishes are, the lack of flexibility that comes with them, their association with non-sexual things, like body parts, certain types of clothing, and frowned upon forms of roleplay, like consensual-non-consensual, and their portrayal as gross and derogatory in pop culture.​ [2]
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Section 2 of 7:

What is a fetish?

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  1. A fetish is a sexual fixation on something that isn’t obviously sexual. They’re typically needed for sexual arousal, with those who have fetishes incorporating them practically whenever they have sex. Fetishes can range widely, but they’re mainly limited to things that aren’t usually sexual, like body parts or inanimate objects. For example, if someone has a sexual interest in feet and regularly enjoys incorporating them into sex, they have a foot fetish. [3]
    • Besides foot fetishes, popular fetishes include stockings, skirts, tattoos, piercings, and leather.
Section 3 of 7:

What is a kink?

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  1. A kink is a sexual interest that isn’t super common or talked about. Kinks can range widely and are typically tied to things that aren’t done during vanilla sex. You may be interested in certain sexual positions, while your partner may enjoy being tied up or using toys. Everyone has different kinks, and some have more or less than others. [4] The same is true for how common kinks are.
    • Some kinks, like BDSM or the dom/sub dynamic , are so popular that entire communities have formed around them!
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Section 4 of 7:

Fetish Examples

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  1. 1
    Foot fetish Someone who has a foot fetish is turned on by feet, whether it be looking at them, touching them, feeling them, or putting them in their mouth. Whatever involves the feet tends to get a person with a foot fetish off. They often engage in foot worship, too, which involves kissing, caressing, and massaging the foot. [5]
    • You may be ashamed to tell your partner about your foot fetish , as they tend to be taboo, but there’s nothing to be ashamed of! Everyone is aroused by different things. As long as it’s safe, there’s nothing wrong with having a fetish!
  2. 2
    Bondage Bondage is the act of being tied up with rope, handcuffs, or other restrictive items. Bondage fetishes involve being tied up in the bedroom, whether it’s chaining the hands and feet to the bed, restricting the hands behind the back or to the headboard with handcuffs, or suspending someone in the air. [6]
    • Bondage fetishes can go both ways, too! You may enjoy being tied up, or you may enjoy tying up your partner.
    • If you lean towards dominant, you may enjoy tying your partner up. If you’re more submissive, you likely prefer being the one tied up .
  3. 3
    Fabrics & Materials The types of materials range greatly, from nylon tights to tight leather suits. If you have a fetish for a certain type of fabric or material, it can go both ways. You may prefer to wear the materials yourself or have your partner wear them, have them put into your mouth, or whatever else you like to get down with. [7]
  4. 4
    Electrostimulation Electrostimulation involves using electricity to stimulate yourself, both physically and sexually. Getting shocked can be dangerous, which gives electrostimulation some overlap with edge play, which is a type of BDSM behavior where you risk doing bodily harm to yourself. Electricity tends to be delivered through wands, constant systems, or other electrical contraptions. [8]
  5. 5
    Breath Play Also known as erotic asphyxiation, breath play is a potentially dangerous fetish that involves limiting the brain’s oxygen supply during sex to heighten arousal and make orgasms more intense. It can be performed by your partner or you can do it on yourself, whichever you prefer, but it’s important to be cautious of the risks associated with it. [9]
    • If the brain doesn’t get oxygen within 4-6 minutes, you risk irreversible brain damage. Any longer and you risk death. [10]
  6. 6
    Food Play Also known as sitophilia, food play is when you’re turned on by food in sexual settings. The types of food you incorporate into the bedroom depend on how your fetish manifests. Some people enjoy fruits and vegetables shaped like penises, while others prefer whipped cream on their butts, breasts, and other body parts. [11]
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Section 5 of 7:

Kink Examples

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  1. 1
    BDSM Short for bondage, dominance (or discipline), submission (or sadism), and masochism, BDSM is a type of sexual activity that involves one party dominating another submissive partner through various means, albeit with bondage, whips, chains, handcuffs, hair pulling, and light spanking. BDSM is consensual. If someone ever tries these things on you without asking (or vice versa), tell them that you don’t consent and safely exit the situation. [12]
    • The dominating party is typically called the “dom” or “top.” The submissive party is typically called the “sub” or “bottom.”
    • Someone who shifts between dominant and submissive roles is called a “switch.”
  2. 2
    Cuckolding Cuckolding is a kink where someone enjoys watching their partner having sex with other people. The person who enjoys “being cucked” is typically watching in the room or via FaceTime or video. Historically, the term has been used to refer to married men who like watching their wives have sex with other men, but it can apply to any gender, sexuality, or relationship status. [13]
  3. 3
    Impact play Impact play is a broad name for a kink where people enjoy being hit during sex. Impact play can range from a simple slap on the butt to more serious impacts on other body parts, but it typically involves hands, whips, flogs, crops, or paddles on your partner’s meaty, nerve-dense body parts. [14]
  4. 4
    Roleplay Roleplay is a common kink where you pretend to be something or someone other than what or who you are while in the bedroom. The possibilities of who you can roleplay as are practically endless. Some people enjoy teacher-student roleplays, while others enjoy cops and robbers. It all depends on the specifics of the kink. [15]
    • To find out what your partner likes, talk to them and ask them what interests them in bed. For example, say something like “I’ve been reading about kinks online and am interested in what you like in the bedroom. Care to share if you’re comfortable?”
  5. 5
    Exhibitionism Exhibitionism is a fetish where you are sexually aroused by exposing yourself to others. It is the opposite of voyeurism and can be problematic, especially when you’re unable to contain your desires in public. If you do engage in exhibitionism, do it with a consenting party in an area that is private enough that you won’t risk exposing yourself to non-consenting parties. [16]
  6. 6
    Voyeurism Voyeurism is a fetish where you achieve sexual arousal by watching other people have sex. Unlike cuckolding, it doesn’t necessarily have to involve a partner, but it can get tricky if it’s not a group of people who are consenting. Watching others have sex without consent is illegal, but consensual voyeurism could include going to sex parties, hiring cam girls, or attending kink festivals. [17]
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Section 6 of 7:

How to Embrace Your Kinks and Fetishes

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  1. 1
    Talk to a sex therapist about your fetishes, kinks, and desires. Sex therapists are licensed therapists who help you navigate the mental and emotional aspects of sex and sex-related issues. Talking to a sex therapist can give you an outlet to talk about your fetishes and kinks. They can also help you embrace your desires by letting you know it’s not bad to have them. [18]
    • In the case where your desires are questionable or causing harm to yourself or others, they can also help you curb any problematic behaviors before they become bigger issues.
  2. 2
    Avoid suppressing your sexual desires. Devlin says that if you have a fetish, it’s likely not going anywhere. Rather, suppressing your desires can lead to a buildup of stress and strong emotional explosions. Alternatively, you can become depressed and anxious, or your sexuality can shut down. Because of this, Devlin suggests you don’t fight it. [19]
    • Instead of pushing your desires down, search for a partner who’s willing to help.
    • Disclose your desires to your partner, and if they’re comfortable with it, consider engaging in them while you two have sex.
  3. 3
    Remember that everyone has different things they enjoy in the bedroom. You may feel ashamed about your sexual kinks, fetishes, and desires, but there are people in the world who have more taboo kinks or fetishes and don’t beat themselves up for it. So, whenever you’re feeling bad about what you enjoy, remember that everyone enjoys different things, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of!
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Section 7 of 7:

Kink Quiz

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  1. Take the wikiHow Kink Quiz to see where you land on the kink scale. Whether you’re curious about what types of kinks you’re into or just want to see where you land on the BDSM scale, our Kink Quiz can tell you what you’re into in the bedroom (beyond the basic positions). Want to see how freaky you really are? Take the (confidential) wikiHow Kink Quiz here to find out the answer.

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      References

      1. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.theswaddle.com/why-is-having-a-foot-fetish-taboo
      3. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/sexual-fetish
      4. ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/list-of-kinks
      5. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      6. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      7. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      8. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      9. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      1. ↑ https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000013.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/a-to-z-kinks-and-fetishes
      3. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-bdsm-sex
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/cuckold-relationship/
      5. ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/list-of-kinks
      6. ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/list-of-kinks
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/exhibitionism
      8. ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/list-of-kinks
      9. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24524-sex-therapist
      10. ↑ Shelby Devlin, MA. Sex & Intimacy Coach. Expert Interview

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