How to Forgive Someone for Lying to You

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Find peace and harmony even when you’re still angry

Co-authored by Nicolette Tura, MA and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: July 1, 2025 Fact Checked

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Forgiving Someone Who Lied

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When to Forgive

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What is forgiveness?

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Benefits of Forgiveness

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Tips

Forgiveness isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a choice you make over and over again. It doesn’t always come naturally, but it can heal your emotional wounds and mend your relationships. We talked to licensed clinical psychologists and certified communication experts to help you forgive someone when they’ve lied, know when you should forgive someone, and understand what forgiveness is and how it helps everyone.

Forgiving a Liar

Tell the person who lied to you how you feel and how the lie hurt you. Stay calm and patient, and come from a place of reconciliation and understanding.
Ask the person to explain why they lied to you so that together you can find and address the underlying issues that caused the lie.
Keep in mind that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you let them hurt you again. It means you don’t let the past trouble you or control your future.

Section 1 of 4:

Forgiving Someone After They’ve Lied to You

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Tell them how the lie made you feel, so you’re on the same page. “You need to tell them how you feel,” communication coach Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, says, “that you're hurt, that you're sad, that you're angry.” ^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Communication Coach

Expert Interview} That way, the person who lied understands the consequences and that their actions can hurt others. Try not to scold or lecture them, though. Instead, calmly explain how you felt , why you felt that way, and why it matters. For example:
- “When you said you could watch the dog, I trusted you to keep him safe. But when you decided not to show up, you put him in real danger.”
- “I need to be able to trust you with money if this relationship will work. But if you gamble it away when you said you wouldn’t, you put our survival at risk.”
- Stay patient and calm, especially with kids or those with special needs. They may not have the same understanding of why lying is wrong.
Meet the wikiHow Experts

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, California who specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, communication, and more. She is also an award-winning and best-selling author of the book Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues .

Evan Parks, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist and an adjunct assistant professor at the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS is a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience who specializes in working with families, children, and couples. He has published four books and 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications.
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Ask them why they lied so you can address the real issue. Miller says the next step is to figure out “why this occurred.” ^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Communication Coach

Expert Interview} It helps to know the reason behind the lie, if there is one, so that the real problem can be addressed. Sometimes the reason is selfish and petty. ^{[3]
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Research source} Other times, the reason might actually be legit. If you can understand the reason behind the lie, it may clarify to you whether you can forgive or not. ^{[4]
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Research source}
- Even if they lied for a good reason, it’s still a good idea to ask them not to do it again. Transparency and trust are important for any relationship.
- If they lied for a selfish or petty reason, like they wanted to hurt your feelings or feel superior, that’s when you may want to reconsider the relationship itself.
- If they’re unwilling or unable to explain why they lied, they may suffer from compulsive lying or other deep-seated personality issues.
- Also keep in mind that they might’ve lied because of something you did. It’s not always easy to accept, but that lack of trust is a two-way street.
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Put yourself in their shoes to better understand them. A little empathy can go a long way to understanding why they lied and not feeling as personally hurt by it. ^{[5]
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Research source} Once they’ve explained themselves to you, imagine if your roles were reversed. Even if you wouldn’t do the same thing, do you understand why they might’ve felt pressured to do it?
- Part of this exercise is accepting any fault you might have had. It was wrong of them to lie, but why did they lie? Did they feel like they couldn’t be honest with you? Were they afraid of your reaction? Why might that be?
- When you feel what they feel, it might be harder to hold it against them.
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Set new boundaries so the lying doesn’t happen again. Once you understand the lie, Miller says it’s time to “figure out a plan going forward to feel more connected.” ^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Communication Coach

Expert Interview} One way to do that is by setting boundaries . Boundaries help both of you understand the expectations of the relationship, what’s acceptable, and what’s not. When you make boundaries, avoid trying to control them, and instead give them opportunities to prove themself to you.
- For example, if your child lied about where they were, you might request that they check in with you now and then when they’re out and about. The issue is their safety, not that you need to know exactly where they are all the time.
- Keep in mind that boundaries aren’t about restricting their freedom, but shifting expectations. Respect their boundaries, too!
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Do your best to trust them again, starting with smaller things. Trusting again can be hard, and it’s not required if you don’t feel safe or if this is a repeating pattern that you’ve already tried to solve. That said, if you want to repair the relationship, rebuilding trust is a must. It’s a leap of faith, and isn’t always easy, but that’s just the nature of trust. ^{[7]
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- For example, if they cheated, try not to be overly suspicious of who they’re texting or where they’re going. Instead, set them free to make their choices, and let them know that if they’re ever unhappy or want something else, they can just tell you.
- You might start with some trust activities , like practicing a sport together, cooking together, or asking each other about their day and their honest feelings, so the two of you get closer again.
- Reader Poll: We asked 880 wikiHow readers what they would do if their partner was cheating over text, and only 6% said they would forgive them and try to work through it. [Take Poll]
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Focus on improving your own communication with others. You can’t control the other person or force them to be better, but you can make it easier for them by communicating more yourself. This opens up communication between you, Miller says. ^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Communication Coach

Expert Interview} Make it a habit to tell other people how you feel and why. When you do something together, tell them what you expect to happen. Also, express your appreciation for them when they do something right. When you’re more transparent and open, the other person will feel more comfortable being open, too.
- For example, you might say, “Thank you so much for trusting me, I really appreciate that. I know you’re in a difficult spot, and I hope we can get through this together.”
- Or, “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me. From now on, I promise to keep cool and think through my response, and I hope you can trust me moving forward.”
- “When I ask you to do something, I just want to know if you’re available. Don’t feel pressured to agree to it if you’re not comfortable.”
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Understand that it may take some time to heal from the lie. “Forgiveness is not a one-time act, but something we continually do,” licensed clinical psychologist Evan Parks, PsyD, tells us. ^{[9]
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Expert Source

Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview} You might still feel hurt, bitter, or resentful for a while, and that’s normal. What’s important is that when you feel that way, you make the decision to keep forgiving and trying to move forward. Otherwise, you’ll just get stuck in that cycle of resentment.
- There’s no formula or set timeline for forgiveness. And honestly, that twinge of pain may never go away. What matters is your actions moving forward, despite your feelings.

Section 2 of 4:

When should you forgive them?

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When they’ve acknowledged the lie. The first step to earning your forgiveness is fessing up. Admitting to the lie shows that they understand their actions and why they were wrong, and that they’re ready to start repairing the relationship. But if they don’t admit their mistake, then they’re leaving the wound open. Communication expert Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, says that forgiveness lets the “wound transform into a scar.” ^{[10]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Communication Expert

Expert Interview} The mark is still there, but it’s no longer life-threatening.
- That said, even if they don’t fess us, you might consider forgiving them while downsizing or ending your relationship with them, so that they don’t hurt you again in the future.
- Consider if there’s a chance that they’re not admitting to the lie because they actually didn’t lie. Even so, the fact that you suspect a lie suggests deeper trust issues in yourself, them, or the relationship.
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When they’ve accepted responsibility and are making amends. Parks says that the other person changing their hurtful behavior is also a factor. ^{[11]
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Expert Source

Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview} If they work toward making things right and change their behavior accordingly, it shows that they genuinely care about the relationship and are asking you to help them repair it. It’s up to you whether you’ll accept, but it’s a huge green flag that says there’s still hope.
- Again, even if you cut them out of your life or they don’t take responsibility, forgiveness may still be a good idea in order to protect your own peace of mind.
- For example, if they stole something from you, they might show they’ve changed by returning it, as well as by compensating you for the trouble it caused. They also won’t ever steal from you again, if they’re sincere.
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When holding the grudge would only make you unhappy. “Research has proven that psychological pain has this ability to create physiological manifestations,” Brown warns us.” ^{[12]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Communication Expert

Expert Interview} Often, letting a grudge fester only makes you miserable and can impact your mental and physical health. If holding a grudge is painful, it’s worth letting it go, even if the other person hasn’t apologized or made amends.
- This also means that you should almost always forgive someone, if possible. If not for their sake, then for your own.
- Forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing or approving of their actions. It just means that you decide not to let those actions control your life.
EXPERT TIP

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples; while treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. As a prolific author, Dr. Brown has published four books; contributed to multiple other books; published 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications; and has recently published a number of creative and literary works. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. He has also received a Master of Liberal Arts from Harvard University. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist

What if I can’t forgive someone? If you feel this way, then you are holding onto pain and it will surely have a deep impact upon your life. Forgiveness allows the grudges, bitterness, and resentment to dissipate. In essence, you are allowing yourself to come to a place of peace and personal acceptance.

Section 3 of 4:

What does forgiveness mean?

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Forgiveness means moving on with your life without emotional burdens. Parks tells us that forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget what happened or that you never think about it again, and that it also doesn’t necessarily mean reconciling with that person. Instead, he says, “When we forgive others, we give up our demand that the person who hurt us pay for the injustice against us.” ^{[13]
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Expert Source

Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview} It means not letting the past control your future.
- You can forgive someone and still be suspicious of them, or want to keep your distance from them, if that’s what it takes to move forward.
- “Moving on” doesn’t mean letting the same thing happen again. You might forgive your sister for lying about breaking your phone, but that doesn’t mean you have to let her keep using it whenever she wants.
- Bringing up someone’s past mistakes over and over is not forgiveness. That’s a grudge.

Section 4 of 4:

Why should you forgive others?

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Forgiveness can improve your relationship. Miller reminds us that, while it hurts, a rift in a relationship is also an opportunity “to grow and learn from what happened.” ^{[14]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Communication Coach

Expert Interview} It’s not a good thing that they lied to you, but by forgiving them and working with them to overcome this speed bump, you can come closer together by identifying problems in your relationship and practicing resilience and trust.
- Often, lying is a sign that there are other problems in the relationship. When you forgive someone, you’re saying, “Okay, that was wrong, but at least now we’re aware of what we need to fix.”
- Forgiveness “creates room for healthier communications. It is a source of reconciliation and restoration,” Brown says. ^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Communication Expert
  
  Expert Interview}
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Forgiveness improves your mental and physical health. “The benefits of forgiveness lead to a healthier and happier life,” Brown informs us. ^{[16]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Communication Expert

Expert Interview} Holding grudges and resentment is literally bad for your body and brain, causing stress and depression. It’s medically proven that forgiveness leads to less stress, more self-esteem, more optimism, and even a stronger immune system. ^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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Forgive & Move Past Betrayal With This Expert Series

It's hard to restore trust once it's been shattered, but it is possible. We've put together this expert series to help you move past betrayal and find the courage to forgive, rebuild, and move on.

1

How to Forgive Someone for Lying to You

2

Rebuild Trust

3

How to Forgive Someone Who Traumatized You

4

Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You

5

How to Spot a Liar in a Relationship: 15 Ways to Tell

6

Deal With Betrayal