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Everything to know about forbidden office romances
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Coworker love can be extremely tricky, especially if your company forbids or frowns upon inner-office romance, you (or both of you) are in a committed relationship, or have your own personal policy on romance with someone at work. Regardless of the reason you'd like to keep your coworker crush under wraps, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about hiding feelings for or getting over a workplace crush—alongside expert advice on office romances from dating coach John Keegan.
How to Hide that You’re in Love with a Colleague
The best approach to hiding feelings for a colleague is to treat them as you would any coworker. Limit your contact with one another, especially outside of the office, and avoid any flirty conversations or touching. If you still can’t control yourself, ask to work on a different project or shift.
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
How to Hide Feelings for a Coworker
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Treat the coworker as you would any other coworker. The easiest way to hide your feelings is to simply treat them normally. In theory, this is simple, but in practice, it can be challenging. If it is difficult for you to keep things “as usual,” then limit your contact with that coworker as much as reasonably possible.
- For example, avoid going out for lunch with them unless a large group also goes. If you do go with a group, do your best to socialize with the other people in the group besides the one you’re interested in.
- Think about how you would act around any one of your coworkers and mimic that behavior with your crush.
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Don’t flirt with them. Putting a stop to flirting can be difficult, especially if your coworker tends to initiate the flirting. However, reciprocating this behavior (or initiating it) will be one of the most obvious signals that you are interested in them. If you do end up flirting with them, you won’t be able to hide your love for them for long. Would you flirt with a coworker you're not interested in? Probably not. [1] X Research source
- For example, don’t laugh at every funny comment they say. You don’t have to be rude, but a small smile at a joke and a change of subject will send the message that you’re not interested.
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Avoid touching them in any unprofessional way. Obviously, you should avoid inappropriately touching your coworker, but you should also avoid all physical contact (with the exception of a professional handshake, when necessary). Don’t put your hand on their arm if they say something teasing; don’t come up behind them and put your hands on their shoulders, and don’t hug them. Besides being obvious signals of your interest, this level of touching is also considered unprofessional in many working environments. [2] X Research source
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Don’t show favoritism or give special treatment. If you, your love interest, and other colleagues are debating an issue, don’t side with your love interest all the time. For important business decisions where the coworker you have feelings for truly does have the best idea, then, by all means, point out why their point of view makes the most sense. With smaller, more mundane decisions, however, avoid siding with them if you can.
- When considering different perspectives , try to separate the idea from the person offering the idea. Detaching your crush’s ideas from your feelings for them as a person may help you treat everyone more fairly.
- If you are in a position of power, don’t give all the best tasks to your love interest or set lower working standards for them. Your other employees will likely pick up on this eventually, and your secret won’t be safe—plus, this sort of working environment is inequitable and may even lead to resentment or resignations. [3] X Research source
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Consider asking to work on a different project or task. In some cases, you may work very closely with the person you are in love with. Hopefully, taking steps to act professionally will help you hide your feelings. However, if you feel that you cannot comfortably continue to work with this person, think about asking your boss to work on something different. [4] X Research source
- For example, maybe you can work on a different project or in another area of the office.
- Come up with a different reason to explain to your boss why you want to move. Give them a plausible excuse, such as wanting a bigger challenge or wanting to develop a different skill set.
- Getting space from the coworker you have feelings for may also help those feelings go away faster, if that’s your goal.
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Section 2 of 5:
Getting Over a Crush on a Coworker
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Consider whether you're really in love with your coworker or just infatuated. Being infatuated with someone can be easier to “get over” than feelings of true love. In many situations, the intense feelings of attraction felt for a coworker whom you spend a lot of time with can be traced back to infatuation. Ask yourself these questions to separate infatuated attraction from love:
- How much quality time have you actually spent with this person?
- Have you fallen in love with their true inner qualities, or are you infatuated with their work persona?
- Are you captivated by their seeming allure in the workplace? Power or leadership is alluring in a workplace context and can lead to infatuation.
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Make a list of all the reasons to avoid an office romance. Seeing the reasons on paper or thinking it through carefully may help to quell your love or affection for your coworker and help you work toward getting that person out of your head. There are many reasons for not getting involved with someone at work, including: [5] X Research source
- The time and energy it takes to hide a relationship from your boss and coworkers.
- Having focus pulled away from your work and derailing your career.
- Eventual boredom or resentment from spending all day at work and at home with the same person.
- The risk of darkening each other's opinions about others in the workplace, if you have similar annoyances or enjoy venting to each other.
- Potential challenges or even the desire to sabotage one another if you were to break up. [6] X Research source
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Try to avoid face-to-face communication. Avoiding all face-to-face contact may not be possible in every type of job, but if you are able to do so without being suspicious, choose email or other methods of communicating that your company might offer. This will give you time to process your feelings until you can behave normally around your coworker. [7] X Research source
- If the coworker you have a crush on works in another department, minimize your contact. If you're lucky enough to love from afar, it shouldn’t interfere directly with your job. Minimize contact when in the break room or after work.
- Don’t go out of your way to avoid your coworker, but graciously maintain a safe distance. If you're obviously trying to avoid this coworker, you could end up calling more attention to yourself, and people may wonder why you're going out of your way to avoid the person.
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Avoid non-work-related activities and conversations with your coworkers. If you have a crush on a coworker, chatting about your personal life or spending time with them outside of work may only lead you to develop more feelings for them and make it easier for you to fantasize about what your relationship would be like outside of work. Instead, try to keep them completely out of your personal life and only see them or speak to them for professional reasons. For example :
- Give neutral, impersonal responses to questions about your weekend or after-work activities.
- Avoid attending drinks or dinner with colleagues if your crush is also attending.
- If you must attend an event together, stay sober and distance yourself as much as possible.
- If they make advances or conversational innuendos, exit from the conversation or reduce contact.
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Take a day or two off from work to get some space from this person. If you are having trouble keeping it professional in the office, consider taking one or two days off work (either by calling in sick or using vacation days). Sometimes, a little space can really help clear the air and help you refocus on what’s important. [8] X Research source
- During this time away from work, try to remind yourself why you want to keep your love to yourself and eventually make your feelings go away. Maybe it is your dream job, and you don’t want to jeopardize it, or maybe you’re already in a committed relationship.
- Whatever the reason, try to convince yourself that this is not a person worth complicating your life for. Ideally, when you return to work, you will feel refocused on the job and not the coworker.
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Give yourself a zero-tolerance policy about dating colleagues. Even if your company doesn’t have a policy against office dating, if you have decided not to pursue your feelings for your coworker, it can be helpful to make it a rule for yourself that you’ll never romantically pursue or date a colleague.
- Not only will this zero-tolerance rule help you stay true to your desire to keep your feelings to yourself, but it will also help you in the future should you experience romantic feelings for a different coworker.
- If a coworker approaches you to let you know they have feelings for you, you can easily and gently let them down by explaining that you don’t date coworkers as a rule.
- After setting this rule for yourself, consider your coworker completely off-limits. Resign yourself to the fact that this relationship simply isn’t going to happen. The sooner you believe it, the easier it will be to conceal how you really feel, get over your crush , and avoid falling in love with colleagues in the future.
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Focus on hobbies and relationships outside of work. Renew your interest in a former hobby or find a new one to explore—join a club, take a class, or sign up for a volunteer activity. Spend time with non-work friends or set intentional goals to make new friends or meet people to date outside the workplace. [9] X Research source
- Keegan recommends that “people don’t meet at work because it can cause a lot of drama in your life. You should always think first to have a life outside of work, to build a life, to create new social circles, and even meet random people in everyday places.” [10]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019. - Consider online dating or attend social events. You can also meet new people through hobbies, sports, churches, and volunteer activities.
- These activities and time spent with people outside of the office will hopefully distract you from your romantic feelings and remind you that there is life and other people outside of work. Eventually, you may lose your unwanted romantic feelings altogether but have also found new friends and interests.
- Keegan recommends that “people don’t meet at work because it can cause a lot of drama in your life. You should always think first to have a life outside of work, to build a life, to create new social circles, and even meet random people in everyday places.” [10]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
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Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes, when we are experiencing feelings that we don’t know how to cope with, it can be tempting to give into a habit that we find comforting. [11] X Research source
- For some people, this is binging on unhealthy foods such as chips or ice cream. For others, drinking alcohol, smoking, or doing drugs are ways to avoid dealing with these feelings.
- Whatever your unhealthy coping mechanism, try to identify it, and when you feel the urge to engage in that activity, turn to a different, more healthy way of dealing with your emotions.
- If you are experiencing strong emotions related to hiding your feelings, try talking to a trusted friend (preferably one who isn’t also a coworker) or family member about what you are feeling. If you’d prefer not to, you can also write what you are feeling in a journal. Either way, those feelings must have an outlet.
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Section 3 of 5:
How to Decide Whether to Tell a Coworker You Love Them
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Look for signs that your coworker reciprocates your feelings. Before putting yourself out there, you might want to find out if your coworker has a crush on you . Keegan advises to look for signs of flirting like “eye contact, being curious about your relationship status, or specifically asking to do something in the evenings or on the weekends.” [12] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.- If your coworker has never shown interest in you or asked to hang out outside of work, then they may not have feelings for you.
- In this case, asking them out could just make for a very uncomfortable working environment going forward.
- If your coworker has seemed to flirt with you or show interest in your personal life, however, then it’s likely that they at least have some level of feelings for you.
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Review your company policies. Look over your employee handbook for the rules on workplace relationships. Are coworkers allowed to date? Will you have to keep your relationship a secret? As Keegan notes, “it’s become…very frowned upon to date people at work and [it’s sometimes] not even allowed. So it can really cause a lot of trouble, especially if you like your job.” [13] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.- If coworkers are allowed to date at your workplace, then make sure to be completely truthful and transparent with your employers once you start dating.
- If coworkers aren’t allowed to date, you’ll have to decide if this person is worth potentially losing your job over.
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Consider the power dynamics at play between you and your colleague. If you are a boss or supervisor that has a crush on an employee, revealing or acting on your feelings may appear as an abuse of power or even harassment. If you’re an employee who’s interested in your boss, then others may accuse you of seeking favoritism or trying to get ahead. [14] X Research source
- Plus, even if your company allows coworkers of equal level to date, they may prohibit relationships between supervisors and subordinates. Check your HR policies carefully before making any decisions.
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Identify any people you might hurt by revealing your feelings, like committed partners. If you or the coworker you’re in love with are married or already in a committed relationship, it’s probably best to avoid sharing your feelings for now. If your coworker is married , then you may make them uncomfortable and place them in a delicate situation. If you’re already married, focus on your marriage first—it’s typical for long-term marriages to get routine over time and for distractions to occur, but therapy or counseling may get your current romantic relationship back on track. [15] X Research source
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Reflect on whether this relationship has a real shot of working out. Workplace romances have a high rate of success, and you could miss out on the love of your life if you’re just too scared to act or take some risks. [16] X Research source However, if these feelings may just be a passing infatuation, it may be best to give it some time and then return to this important decision. But if you’ve made it through these prior steps and really feel that the pros outweigh the cons, then go for it!
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat to do if you're in love with a coworker?John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Because we live in a very delicate time where boundaries are really important and shouldn't be crossed, I often recommend people don't meet prospective partners at work, because it can cause a lot of drama in your life. You should always think first to have a life outside of work, to build a life, to create new social circles, and even just meet random people in everyday places.
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Tips
- Catch yourself fantasizing about coworkers in the future before it's too late. Once bitten, you might fall for someone again in your workplace. Learn to recognize the triggers that cause you to feel that you fancy a coworker, such as working closely together under intense pressure, being bored with a current relationship or the work itself, feeling insecure about your work, and wanting an "out," etc.Thanks
- Avoid some of the obvious signs that you are interested in a certain coworker, such as remembering their birthday with a gift, knowing their favorite colors, or finding weak excuses to chat.Thanks
- If you do date a coworker and it lasts the distance, you should talk about the long-term consequences of this relationship. It will probably be best if one of you leaves the company, as it will make life easier for everyone concerned. Another alternative is to run your own business together. Romantic relationships can work as excellent teams in a business if you can keep things professional and avoid making other employees uncomfortable.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/secret-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/secret-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/favoritism-in-workplace
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-stop-liking-someone-you-cant-date/
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-reasons-why-dating-a-co-worker-is-a-terrible-idea/
- ↑ https://thecpt.org/2015/02/09/take-this-advice-before-dating-coworkers/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-stop-liking-someone-you-cant-date/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-get-rid-of-a-crush-and-stop-obsessing/
- ↑ http://www.careerealism.com/workplace-attraction-fight/
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ http://www.alive.com/health/hiding-our-feelings-can-impact-our-health-and-longevity/
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/249007
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202002/is-the-7-year-itch-myth-or-reality
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/workplace-romance-statistics/
- ↑ https://thecpt.org/2015/02/09/take-this-advice-before-dating-coworkers/
- ↑ https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17459435.2014.955587
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220228-the-inevitability-of-the-office-romance
About This Article
Article Summary
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To hide that you’re in love with a co-worker, treat them as you would any other colleague. For example, only go out for lunch with them if you’re in a larger group. Additionally, avoid all physical contact, such as putting your hand on their arm, and restrict yourself to a professional handshake. When you’re talking to your co-worker, focus on topics that are work-related to make it clear your relationship is purely professional. If you feel you’re struggling to control your feelings, take a day or 2 off work by calling in sick or taking vacation days, since having a bit of space can help you get your feelings in order. Alternatively, take up a new hobby so you’re not tempted to hang out with your colleague after work, which has the added benefit of distracting you from your thoughts. For tips from our co-author on how to know if you’re really in love with a co-worker, keep reading!
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