How Often Should You Text Someone You're Dating?

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If you’re dating someone new, you may be worried that you’re texting them too often. Alternatively, the two of you might not be texting at all, and you could be curious if that’s normal. In either case, we’ll walk you through the dos and don’ts of texting when you’re hitting it off with a new guy or gal. Whether you’re trying to avoid coming on too strong, or you’re simply trying to figure out what the vibe is, we’ve got you covered.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 6:

How often should you text in the early stages of dating?

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    It’s easy to overthink things when you’re in a new relationship, but if the two of you are texting back and forth and things are going well, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. So long as things are going well, you’re fine. Keep texting, get to know each other even better than you already do, and enjoy yourself! [1]
    • There used to be a lot of “rules” and etiquette tips about this. People would talk about waiting 2-3 days to text after first dates, or not to text too much or too late if something is new, but none of that is particularly true these days.
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    If you’re texting them full sentences but they’re replying with one- or two-word answers, or they’re waiting 2-4 hours before replying but you’re responding ASAP, it’s a sign that you should pull back on how often you text. Take a few days off, let your conversation breathe, and go slow. [2]
    • In the grand scheme of a new relationship, this is not a huge deal. Your texting habits aren’t going to be what makes or breaks things here, so don’t stress yourself out if the convos are a little uneven!
    • The reverse is also a concern; if they’re texting you a ton but you just aren’t all that invested in the conversation, it may be a sign that they like you way more than you like them.
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    If you’re not getting replies, or those replies aren’t substantial enough for you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more from them. Alternatively, if they’re texting you too often, talk to them about how you prefer phone calls, or you just don’t like being glued to your phone. It’s okay to talk about this! [3]
    • If you want a little more from them, you might say, “Hey, I can tell you may not love texting, but I get kind of stressed when you leave me on read for too long. Do you want me to pull back on the daily texting, or can you pick it up a bit? It’s not the end of the world either way!”
    • If they’re overdoing it, you could say, “Hey, sorry I keep forgetting to get back to you, I’m not much of a texter to be honest. Want to chat tonight?”
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Section 2 of 6:

Is texting every day okay when you’re dating?

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    Every couple is different. Some couples almost never text and prefer to talk over the phone, or just talk in person. Other couples love staying in touch over text throughout the day. If that’s the vibe that you and your partner are establishing, that’s totally fine! Don’t overthink it if things are going well. [4]
    • If you’re getting the sense that something is “off” with your convos, look at who texts who first. If you’re always initiating the conversation, slow down a bit. They’re probably responding frequently because they like you a lot (which is great), but it’s possible that they don’t want to text as much as you. [5]
Section 3 of 6:

How much texting is too much?

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    Trust your gut—you should be able to feel your way to an answer here. If your conversations are rewarding, interesting, and fluid, you aren’t texting too much. If your partner isn’t very responsive or the conversation seems to end abruptly, you’re probably texting them too often. [6]
    • If you really aren’t sure if you’re overdoing it, look at the lengths and times of your texts.
    • If your texts are just as long as their texts, and the two of you generally respond in the same intervals, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.
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Section 4 of 6:

What does it mean if we don’t text a lot?

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    Everyone is different when it comes to their relationship with their phone. Some people just aren’t all fond of picking their phone up every couple of minutes to text. That isn’t really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, so don’t worry about it if things are otherwise going well with you two. [7]
    • If they’re enthusiastic when you talk on the phone and your in-person dates go well, it’s safe to assume that they just aren’t all that into texting. Don’t worry about it.
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    There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more communication in a relationship. If your needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it. Calmly tell them how you feel and explain what you need from them in the texting department. [8]
    • You might say, “I really like talking to you, but it feels like you are kind of unresponsive over text sometimes. Is there any way you could try to stay in touch more often and talk to me periodically throughout the day?”
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    If your dates weren’t necessarily full of fireworks or you aren’t communicating anywhere else outside of your text conversations, it might be a sign that they’re still trying to get a sense for the vibe. If it’s early on and you’ve got another date on the calendar, don’t overthink it. The two of you will get your feet underneath you soon. [9]
    • Unless they’re being super cold by ghosting you for multiple days or leaving you on read, don’t read too much into it if you’ve just started dating. Just enjoy your time together.
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Section 5 of 6:

Should we be texting every day if we’re getting serious?

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    Just to be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with texting every day if the two of you are both into it. However, if you’re in a serious relationship, texting might be best utilized as a tool to work out logistics. It’s generally better to talk on the phone if you’re going to engage in meaningful conversation with your significant other, so just use texts as a way to set up dates, share details, and send smaller messages. [10]
    • It’s hard to communicate complex ideas over text. It’s also impossible to pick up on sarcasm, too. If you’re interested in a good, deep conversation, do it verbally over the phone or in person.
Section 6 of 6:

Dos and Don’ts of Texting When You Start Dating

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    Give your conversations time to breath. If you text and they don’t respond right away, wait. If you fire off multiple texts without giving them time to reply, it can give them the impression that you’re desperate (even if that isn’t true). Just wait! It’s likely that they’re preoccupied with something—they’ll get back to you. [11]
    • If a text goes totally unanswered for 24 hours, feel free to resend one more text. They may have just forgotten to reply.
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    You don’t want to seem too available. You should have your own hobbies, friends, and responsibilities to take care of. When they text you, don’t start typing your response out as soon as you get it. This way, it won’t feel like you’re sitting by your phone waiting on him to text you. [12]
    • At the same time, if the two of you are texting back and forth because your conversation is firing on all cylinders, don’t ruin the momentum by arbitrarily going silent.
    • If they tend to take 15 minutes to reply, you might wait 15 minutes as well. If they take 2 hours to reply because they were busy with work, wait 10-30 minutes to reply.
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    Avoid bringing up potentially controversial topics, like politics or religion, since this can scare the other person into thinking you’re trying to get super serious. Don’t start talking about your deepest, darkest secrets or anything, either. Keep it fun, flirty, and playful for now! [13]
    • Unless the two of you have been dating regularly for a month or more, don’t start talking about an exclusive relationship or getting serious. That can mess up the momentum of a good thing if your partner is a little scared of commitment.
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      References

      1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://metro.co.uk/2021/07/09/signs-youre-in-a-one-sided-relationship-and-what-to-do-about-it-14899779/
      3. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/texting-dos-and-donts-in-relationships/
      4. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/avoid-the-fizzle-period
      6. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      7. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.rewire.org/communicating-needs-selfless/
      9. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      1. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.
      2. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.
      3. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.
      4. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.

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