What to Do & Say in Front of Your Partner’s Kids

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How to make the first-time meeting go smoothly
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Starting a relationship with someone who has children with someone else can be challenging. Is there a sure way to win the kids over? How can you be "cool" while also being a parent figure? It can be difficult to know when and how much to step in, so we've laid out a few guidelines to help. Take a deep breath because you have what it takes to do this.

1

Introduce yourself gradually.

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  1. Enter their life gently and through events or situations that are on 'neutral' ground i.e: Not in your partner's home. In the first instance something like a cinema or zoo trip would be a good idea as there are other distractions for you, your partner and their children which will diffuse some of the intensity of the situation. Gradually build up the amount of time that you spend with the children allowing them to get to know you and you to get to know them.
    • Do your best to gradually build a connection with your partner's children. Ask your partner for help and advice to let the child know that you are their ally and not a threat.
    • A good idea for the beginning will be to learn what hobbies and interests their children have. For instance, if the child likes baseball, you can get tickets and go see a minor league game. Or, if the child is into Disney princesses, buy them a Disney princess doll.
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2

Be honest about who you are.

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  1. Pretending you are an old-school friend or work colleague rather than your partner's new boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad way to approach the situation. Despite any good intentions that you may have, once that 'white lie' is revealed your relationship with those children sets off on a false premise and may breed suspicion.
3

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  1. Be sensitive, this was a fully working family before you came onto the scene and you need to respect that. There is no reason why over time you cannot suggest different ways of doing things or things that you would like to see happen but it needs to be handled sensitively and with consensus of the children and your partner. Don't make mountains out of molehills, if they stack the dishwasher differently to the way you do it, there really is no point in creating a situation between you and the children over something so trivial. [1]
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4

Give them space.

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  1. Before your arrival, the children would have unrestricted access to your partner. It is vital that the children still have this quality time with their biological parent. Make sure that you maintain opportunities for the children to speak to their Mother or Father without you being present. Go for a walk or see a friend for a couple of hours to allow them this space. [2]
5

Don't give up.

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  1. As a new partner, there will be occasional resentment and jealousy from the children however hard you work to avoid this. "You are not my Father, you can't tell me what to do" is a common one. Don't give up working on your relationship as a consequence of these remarks, you are in this for the long run!
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6

Communicate with your partner.

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  1. Let the biological parent have the final say in these discussions and back her (him) up on it. Present a united front on all rules and discipline methods. If grounding is the penalty for mouthing off, make sure both of you agree on that. This causes the least stress for the kids. They will test your boundaries but if the rules don't change when they're with you or Mom, they will feel a lot more secure in life. When they ask permission for something, always ask "did you talk to your mother?" and check with her about it. Kids will try to pick which parent to get a permission from whether you're the step dad or their biological dad. Good communication solves a host of problems. [3]
7

Avoid overcompensation.

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  1. It is not feasible to always be the fun, super hip person in the family! Be yourself, the children want to know you not a fake superhero/heroine character you have created. [4]
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8

Stay clear of bad-mouthing the other parent.

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  1. The children should be free to talk about their biological Father or Mother without derogatory comments from yourself. This is the case even if your partner tries to goad you into joining a 'slating' session. The children will not respect you for it and you will place them in a position where you will make them feel anxious. [5]
9

Let the kids decide how you fit into their lives.

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  1. The best relationship you can have and that the children can have is one that has developed organically rather than something that has been forced onto them. [6]
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10

Understand the implications of your decision.

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  1. It goes without saying that you should always treat your partner with respect. [7] This is of even greater importance if they have children. Using a partner for a "fling" can be incredibly damaging and could worsen any abandonment issues the family may already be suffering from. It's not enough to "put up" with the children. You need to be fully invested.
    • You should understand that your partner's children are and should be their number one priority. If you want to be with this person, it's something that you need to respect, support, and cultivate.

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      Tips

      • Don't try to discipline the child right off the bat and don't get too involved or present in the child's life immediately.
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      • Don't present new ways of living and don't try and propose new ways of doing things or anything like that. Let the child continue to live their normal life and slowly come into your lives. If you immediately start to act as their parent, this will often anger the child or at least make them very uncomfortable.
        • A thought going through many children's minds will be that you're trying to be their parent or fill the spot of their father/mother, which will almost never go over well. Most of the time the child is still trying to cope and/or get used to everything around them, so moving too quickly can cause a lot of anxiety, uneasiness, and sometimes anger.
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      • Make sure that you and your partner aren't keeping anything from the child that he/she should know such as an engagement, pregnancy, moving in together, the child having to move, etc. Children are pretty smart and can sense when something is out of the ordinary is happening. They also don't like having things kept from them and often time secrecy, deceptiveness, and lying results in a lot or anger and paranoia, none of which you want to deal with or be blamed for. In other words, don't try to shelter your child too much. It doesn't always work out well.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-resilience/201508/when-parents-date-someone-new-whats-best-the-kids
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
      3. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/stepparent.html
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/interpersonal-and-family-relationships/201908/living-your-new-partner-after-divorce
      5. ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/step-parent-boundaries/
      6. ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201701/25-ways-you-can-show-respect-your-partner

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