Is Watching Porn While in a Relationship Considered Cheating?

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Is masturbation cheating? What counts as infidelity, anyway?
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Porn is a touchy subject in many relationships. Is it okay to watch? Does it count as cheating? Who gets to decide? The short answer, according to experts, is that it depends on you and your partner’s beliefs and expectations—every relationship is different! We talked to relationship and communication psychologists, counselors, and psychotherapists to tell you if porn is cheating , and what cheating even is , anyway. We’ll also fill you in on if porn is a sin, its effects on you and your relationship, and how to talk to your partner about the issue.

Is watching porn considered cheating?

Some people feel that watching porn counts as cheating on your partner, but experts say that it depends on the relationship. “Cheating” is being secretive and emotionally dishonest to your partner. If you’re both accepting and on the same page, it’s not cheating. If someone does it when the other disapproves, it is cheating.

Section 1 of 7:

Is porn considered cheating?

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  1. Whether or not watching porn counts as cheating depends on the relationship. Relationship psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD, tells us that whether or not porn is cheating is an “individual and couple-by-couple” decision. [1] So the answer will be different for everyone, and that’s why it’s important to talk to your partner about your boundaries and expectations for your relationship, so you’re both on the same page from the get-go.
    • Some people do consider porn cheating (or at least “emotional cheating”) and may assume their partner is on the same page. It’s vital to have these conversations early in a relationship so you can set the standard without making assumptions.
    • Example: If you know that your partner doesn’t want you to watch porn, but you do it anyway, that’s a betrayal of trust that is cheating .
    • Example: If your partner watches porn, and you’ve made it clear that’s fine with you, that’s not cheating .

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Jessica January Behr, PsyD , is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy.

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC , is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe works with individuals, couples, and families.

    Tara Vosskemper, PhD, LPC , is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in relationship therapy with couples who feel disconnected from one another.

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW , is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California who specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, sexuality, communication, and more.

    Rebecca Tenzer, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS , is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services with over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health and interpersonal relationships.

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Section 2 of 7:

Is masturbation considered cheating?

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  1. Like porn, masturbation is only cheating if you and your partner say it is. Relationship therapist Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC, says, “To me, cheating is betrayal…It’s when parties have a clear understanding of what needs to be done, and one of the parties is acting against that.” [2] So, much like porn, masturbation only counts as cheating if one partner disapproves but the other partner does it anyway. There’s an emotional betrayal.
    • But if both people are cool with it, then there’s no problem! Again, it’s all about setting expectations and maintaining trust.
Section 3 of 7:

What counts as cheating?

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  1. Cheating is a secret betrayal of a partner’s trust. Just like porn, what counts as cheating varies by relationship. Licensed professional counselor Tara Vosskemper, PhD, LPC, defines cheating as “when there is an element of secrecy and emotional connection and secrecy with another person.” [3] When you knowingly go behind your partner’s back to do something you know they disapprove of, it’s cheating.
    • So if you know your partner disapproves of porn but you watch it in secret anyway, that could be defined as cheating.
    • On the other hand, if you and your partner both agree that you can have sex with other people, and you’re open and honest about it, that wouldn’t be cheating, even though you’re literally sleeping with other people. It’s all about communication and boundaries!
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Section 4 of 7:

Is porn a sin?

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  1. Many religions consider viewing pornography to be a sin. Though porn isn't directly mentioned in the Bible, it's viewed as a sin in many Christian belief systems. Other religions, like Islam, also consider porn off-limits. [4] The same is true in many Jewish traditions. [5]
    • The Bible doesn’t mention pornography in particular, but Jesus says in Matthew 5:28, "I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart," and looking at porn could apply here (although some interpret "lust" in this context to mean "covet").
    • In stricter sects of Christianity, like Orthodox Christianity, any form of sexual activity should be about procreating and showing love to your partner and to God, and is only to be done after marriage. Since watching porn is a sexual act that doesn’t procreate, it may be considered a sin. [6]
    • That said, some Christian sects and other religions may not be as strict about porn, or have different definitions of "sin." Talk to your faith leader for more guidance. They'll explain the expectations in a safe and welcoming environment.
Section 5 of 7:

Possible Negative Effects of Porn on a Relationship

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  1. 1
    Porn may become addictive for some people. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, says, “It's not addictive for everyone, but for some people, yes, it is.” [7] Researchers are still studying the effects of habitual porn use, but some believe that people with addictive or compulsive personalities can become addicted to or dependent on porn in much the same way they might get hooked on drugs or alcohol. [8]
    • Getting rid of a porn addiction isn’t always easy, and that addiction can have negative effects on a relationship. If you know that you have an addictive personality, it’s best to step carefully when it comes to porn.
  2. 2
    Porn can give you unreasonable expectations about sex. Porn isn’t real life, and much of the porn online is made by professional actors and performers with lots of experience. The things seen in porn are often more extreme or distorted versions of what actually happens in the bedroom. Watching a lot of porn can give someone the wrong ideas about what sex is or should be, which can lead to disappointment in the bed. [9]
    • Specifically, many people get the wrong idea about how long sex should last, or what healthy sexual communication looks like. These things are often negotiated between actors before the cameras roll, and you need to have the same sort of communication with your partner—what’s off limits? What are you comfortable with?
    • Also, the porn industry mostly caters to men, and doesn’t prioritize women’s pleasure. Sometimes, it’s even predatory or abusive toward women. Watching porn may contribute to that environment and culture of abuse. [10]
  3. 3
    Porn can reduce your sexual drive with your partner. Some people have high sex drives that can sustain both watching porn and having sex with their partner. For many, though, watching porn can take that sexual energy without filling it back up. The result is that they use all their sexual energy watching porn, and are less interested in having sex with their partners. This leads to less sex in the long run, and even less interest in having sex at all. [11]
  4. 4
    Porn can make your partner feel jealous or unwanted. In some relationships, a partner can start to feel neglected if their significant other watches porn. They see their partner watching porn and may wonder if they’re not good enough in bed, or if they can satisfy their partner’s wants. This can lead to lower self-esteem and feelings of being unworthy, which can negatively affect their experience in the bedroom. [12]
    • This is why it’s important to understand your partner’s feelings about porn. Even if you think it’s harmless, they might be hurting, anyway.
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Section 6 of 7:

Possible Positive Effects of Porn on a Relationship

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  1. 1
    Porn can help you explore your sexuality, wants, and needs. Surveys show that many people feel that porn can help educate people in controlled amounts. Watching porn can illuminate your own sexual desires and wants, which can translate to more experimentation and fun in the bedroom. It can also help people new to sex understand the basics of what’s going down, and give them a general idea of how to conduct themselves when the clothes come off. [13]
  2. 2
    Watching porn with a partner can bring you closer together. Some research suggests that watching porn with your partner can help you bond. It creates a mutual sexual experience that can lead to more—and better—intimacy. [14] Of course, both partners need to be comfortable and enthusiastic about porn for this to work.
    • Sometimes, porn may give you and your partner new ideas for what to try in bed, which can be a great way to expand your horizons.
  3. 3
    Some forms of porn can lead to better in-person sex. Research has also found that in some instances, viewing porn can inspire higher-quality sex in couples. Interestingly, this was more true when women watch porn than when men watch porn. Experts think this may be because women generally view more “romantic” porn that encourages healthier sex, while men often view less romantic porn that may lead to warped views of sex. [15]
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Section 7 of 7:

Talking to Your Partner about Porn

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  1. 1
    Ask your partner how they feel about porn, and share your own views. The first step is having an honest, open conversation with your partner, so you know how you both feel about porn. Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, tells us that it’s key to “open up the lines of communication about the topic and the feelings that follow.” [16] Sit your partner down for a discussion where you can both express your feelings.
    • Say, “Hey, I just wanted to make sure we’re both on the same page about sex stuff. Can I ask your honest opinion about pornography?”
    • Give your own honest opinion, and explain calmly why you feel that way.
    • Keep an open mind, and try to understand their perspective.
  2. 2
    Set some boundaries and expectations about porn in your relationship. “Discussing these things not only strengthens your communication but can also open up a whole new world of intimacy with your partner,” Tenzer says. [17] Once you both know where you stand, ask your partner what they think is fair, and agree to a set of boundaries. This makes sure there aren’t any gray areas and that you’re both getting what you want.
    • For example, you might decide that using pornography is fine, but only when you experience it together.
    • Or, you might decide porn is off-limits, but that you’ll both make an effort to have sex more often so that both your needs are fulfilled.
    • Or, you might decide that porn is fine, but if either of you start to see problems related to it, you’ll have another discussion.
    • Be prepared to compromise . You and your partner may have different views, but it’s important to meet in the middle.
  3. 3
    See a relationship counselor if you can’t come to an agreement. If you talk to your partner and find that you both have opposing views on porn, it’s worth talking to a relationship counselor and sex therapist. A professional can help you understand the ins and outs of your sex life in a safe, moderated environment and help the two of you compromise and find a path forward that works for both of you. [18]
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      References

      1. ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Relationship Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://islamqa.org/hanafi/fatwa-tt/134111/stopping-the-evil-addiction-of-pornography/
      5. ↑ https://yuobserver.org/2021/02/pornography-in-jewish-law-subjective-application/
      6. ↑ https://copticorthodoxanswers.org/social/pornography-sin-hurting/
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
      9. ↑ https://www.depts.ttu.edu/rise/Old_Site/RISE_Peer_Educator_Blog/Effectsofpornonyoungmen.php
      1. ↑ https://digitalcommons.uri.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1271&context=dignity
      2. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/effects-of-pornography-on-relationships
      3. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/effects-of-pornography-on-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
      5. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
      6. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
      7. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24524-sex-therapist

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