No one’s relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. But if you find yourself feeling drained, unhappy, or worn out after seeing your partner, you might be in a relationship with a toxic person. In this article, we’ll list some of the most common signs that someone is toxic to be around so you can protect your own well-being and peace of mind. We’ve also consulted some expert mental health professionals for added insight and advice, so keep reading!
Signs Your Partner Is Toxic
- You feel like your needs are consistently unmet.
- You often feel disrespected or like your feelings don’t matter.
- You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner.
- You usually feel like you have to take the blame for every argument.
- You’re feeling uncharacteristically bad about yourself.
- You’ve been cut off from your close friends and family.
Steps
Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship
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You feel like most of your needs aren’t being met. Although a partner won’t be able to meet every single one of your emotional needs, they should be able to make you feel safe, loved, and supported in general. [1] X Trustworthy Source New York State Government Official website for the State of New York Go to source “If you feel that your needs are unmet in an extreme way, it’s unhealthy,” says Ratson. [2] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 25 July 2023. For example, if your partner is consistently unable (or unwilling) to express affection, offer emotional support, work on intimacy, or treat you with respect, you could be in a toxic relationship.- Reader Poll: We asked 828 wikiHow readers how they felt about their role in their relationship, and only 4% of them said I feel like my needs are met. [Take Poll] If your needs aren't being met, it may be time to move on.
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You’re always walking on eggshells. Healthy relationships should make you feel better, not worse. [3] X Trustworthy Source New York State Government Official website for the State of New York Go to source If you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells waiting for your partner to lose their temper or unfairly criticize you about something, that’s a red flag. Toxic people will often make you feel emotionally unsafe and tear you down instead of building you up, which is a telltale sign that this is not a good partnership. [4] X Research source
- Your partner might say things like, “You’re so stupid,” or, “Do you ever use that brain of yours?”
- Toxic people will also often take things out on you. If your partner comes home angry, they might yell or scream at you, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
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You dread spending time with them. Relationships should be fun and leave you feeling content. If the thought of seeing your partner makes you say “Ugh,” or gives you a feeling of dread, it could be a sign that they’re a toxic person. Try to examine these feelings further, and address any issues in the relationship before you continue it. [5] X Research source
- People also tend to feel resigned to their relationship fate once they’ve been in a toxic relationship for a while. Remember that you deserve a happy, healthy partnership, not one that makes you feel bad. Below, we’ll go over tips to help you get out of a toxic relationship if you need some advice.
Behaviors of a Toxic Partner to Look Out For
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Hypercritical behavior If your partner constantly points out your flaws or makes you feel like you’re not good enough, this could definitely be a sign that they’re toxic. A toxic person will have no trouble telling you all about the terrible things you’ve done or all the good things you should be doing that you aren’t. They’ll pick at your minor flaws, exaggerate your “bad” behaviors, or even make up things that aren’t true. In fact, a lot of toxic people aren’t afraid to lie—if it means they can judge you even more, they’ll do it. [6] X Research source
- Keep an ear out for phrases like, “You always…” and “You never…” Sweeping statements like these are often overgeneralizations, and it probably means that the person you’re dating is exaggerating to make your actions seem worse.
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Blaming Toxic people will criticize you for things out of your control. Traffic, the weather, someone else being late—these are all things a toxic person might blame you for, even though there’s no way you could have influenced them. It’s because they are looking for ways to get angry at you and start a fight, and they’ll use anything around them to do it. [7] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- They might even blame you for things that they did. For instance, if they forgot to buy milk at the store, your partner might say, “Well, you didn’t remind me.”
- Or, if your partner was late to work, they might say, “You didn’t wake me up on time.”
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Lack of accountability “One sign [you’re in a relationship with a toxic person] is a lack of accountability,” explains relationship counselor Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. [8] X Expert Source Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. If the person you’re dating can’t admit when they’ve done something wrong and never apologizes, even when you call them out directly, this is a bad sign. A toxic person loves to play the victim, and they’ll constantly find ways to shift the blame to someone else.- This goes for issues in your relationship, and things in their personal life, as well. A classic example of this is someone calling all of their exes “crazy," saying all their friends are terrible and everyone in their life lets them down.
- They’ll also try to spin things around and blame you in fights, explains Polk. [9]
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Expert Source
Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. For instance, if you said something like, “Why didn’t you call me last night? I was worried sick,” they might say, “Well, you never answer your phone anyway. It’s your fault I didn’t call.”
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Lying If your partner is consistently dishonest with you, this is a major red flag. Whether they’re lying to hide infidelity or personal issues like major debts or addiction problems, a lack of transparency and trust can definitely be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. [10] X Trustworthy Source New York State Government Official website for the State of New York Go to source
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Infidelity Repeated infidelity and an inability to change this behavior are common signs of a toxic relationship. Infidelity doesn’t just mean physical infidelity—emotional affairs and flirting with others can also fall into this category. “To me, cheating is betrayal. And a betrayal, it could be at any level,” explains marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson. “It’s when parties have a clear understanding of what needs to be done, and one of the parties is acting against that.” [11] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 25 July 2023. -
Jealousy On the flip side, if your significant other constantly accuses you of being unfaithful with no basis and expresses jealousy toward people that you have purely platonic relationships with, this could be another sign of a toxic partnership. In fact, people who are cheating often project their guilt by accusing their partners of cheating, too, so this could be a sign that they’re actually the one who is being unfaithful. [12] X Research source
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Passive-aggressiveness or subtle insults A toxic partner may say things that sound nice but are actually mean. For example, you might hear a lot of backhanded compliments and put-downs, like “Wow, you actually look nice today” or “You’re so pretty when you make an effort to dress up.” They may also let out their aggression by using sarcasm (“It would have been nice if you called me last night, but whatever”) or giving you the silent treatment. And, if you call them out on it, they’ll probably pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about. [13] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- This type of behavior can indicate that your partner has an underlying contempt for you, and contempt is a common sign of a toxic relationship, explains Ratson. [14]
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Expert Source
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
- This type of behavior can indicate that your partner has an underlying contempt for you, and contempt is a common sign of a toxic relationship, explains Ratson. [14]
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Expert Source
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
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Degrading behaviors & disrespect In healthy relationships, partners should always treat each other like equals, no matter what. If your partner belittles you, treats you like you’re a child who doesn’t know anything, or talks to you disrespectfully, it could be a sign that the relationship is toxic. [15] X Research source
- For instance, after you finish talking, a toxic person might say, “So, you do know how to speak coherently. Good job!”
- Or, they might tell you to “Calm down” or “Take it easy” whenever you get slightly emotional.
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Love-bombing If your partner can be excessively loving and affectionate and then do a complete 180 with no warning, this could be a sign of a toxic relationship. When they’re trying to get in your good graces and make sure you aren’t going anywhere, they may shower you with compliments and go overboard with their acts of love. Then, once they’re sure they have you, they could revert to gaslighting, controlling, and belittling you. [16] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source If you notice this manipulative love-bombing pattern in your relationship, your partner could be toxic.
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Gaslighting “ Gaslighting is making your partner seem crazy, irrational, or unintelligent for their subjective experience,” explains Polk. [17] X Expert Source Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. A gaslighter will manipulate you into questioning your memory and your version of events, leading to lots of confusion and self-doubt. [18] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source If you bring up a legitimate concern about something they did, they’ll tell you that you’re misremembering the situation, or that you’re being overly sensitive about something that isn’t a big deal. If this sounds like your partner, you may be in a relationship with a toxic person.- Say, for example, that you tell your significant other that you’re a little upset because they showed up 30 minutes late to your date last weekend.
- When you bring it up, they respond with statements like, “It’s so ridiculous for you even to be upset about that. It wasn’t a big deal at all,” or “That’s completely untrue, I was barely late. It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes.”
- These statements invalidate your feelings and make you question your version of events, which would be an example of gaslighting.
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Controlling behaviors If your partner tries to control what you wear, who you spend time with, or where you go, this is definitely a sign of a toxic (and even abusive) relationship. [19] X Research source One major thing to look out for would be if they’re isolating you from your social network and support system, explains Polk. [20] X Expert Source Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. For example, if they get mad at you for hanging out with your friends or staying the night with your family, this is a big red flag.- Keep in mind that these behaviors can start subtly and then escalate over time. For example, they might try to guilt you into staying home with them by saying “affectionate” things, like, “But I’ll miss you so much!” or, “I thought you liked hanging out with me more than anyone else?”
- Their behavior can then slowly turn more and more nefarious, and you might eventually find yourself asking their permission before you do things, just so they don’t get mad. [21] X Research source
- This type of behavior can be a sign that your partner is abusive . If you feel like your partner is controlling your life, get help right away. [22] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
EXPERT TIPLicensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.If you think you're dating a toxic person, you should ask yourself, "What are my boundaries?" "What am I willing to do?" What am I unwilling to do?" Setting boundaries will give you a sense of power when interacting with your partner and will help you take back control of yourself in the relationship.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you know you're dating a gaslighter?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).One sign is a lack of accountability for their side of the relationship. As a result, they will gaslight you and make you feel bad or stupid for bringing up any issue.
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QuestionHow do you test if someone is gaslighting you?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).You gotta evaluate if your partner is making you seem crazy, irrational, unintelligent, for their subjective experience. These are all great signs, but you're the one that needs to evaluate it.
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QuestionHow do you get out of a toxic relationship?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).You're going to need to set firm boundaries, because there is going to be pushback from the toxic relationship partner. Also, make sure you get some kind of financial or emotional support for your plans with family and friends, as that is extremely important.
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Tips
- If you are in an abusive relationship, call the U.S. Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. [41] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to sourceThanks
- Keep in mind that everyone has some toxic traits, so everyone in your life may display some of these behaviors from time to time. Consider whether your partner’s traits are coming out frequently or are significantly decreasing your happiness. In this case, it may be time to move on from the relationship for good.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
- ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202310/spider-webbing-a-new-super-toxic-dating-trend
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/signs-cheating
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-angry-therapist/202001/5-signs-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-toxic-relationships
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.new-hope.org/warning-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31561731/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.roberts.edu/media/14139/breakup_planning_guide_1_onelove.pdf
- ↑ https://www.roberts.edu/media/14139/breakup_planning_guide_1_onelove.pdf
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://counselingcenter.web.baylor.edu/resources/resources-students/what-abusive-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/codependency
- ↑ https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx
- ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/11-reasons-why-people-stay-in-unhealthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/toxic-relationships.html
- ↑ Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-toxic-relationships
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/