Are You in a Toxic Relationship? 14 Red Flags to Look Out For

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Signs, symptoms, and advice for toxic relationships
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No one’s relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. But if you find yourself feeling drained, unhappy, or worn out after seeing your partner, you might be in a relationship with a toxic person. In this article, we’ll list some of the most common signs that someone is toxic to be around so you can protect your own well-being and peace of mind. We’ve also consulted some expert mental health professionals for added insight and advice, so keep reading!

Signs Your Partner Is Toxic

  1. You feel like your needs are consistently unmet.
  2. You often feel disrespected or like your feelings don’t matter.
  3. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner.
  4. You usually feel like you have to take the blame for every argument.
  5. You’re feeling uncharacteristically bad about yourself.
  6. You’ve been cut off from your close friends and family.
Section 1 of 5:

Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship

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  1. Although a partner won’t be able to meet every single one of your emotional needs, they should be able to make you feel safe, loved, and supported in general. [1] “If you feel that your needs are unmet in an extreme way, it’s unhealthy,” says Ratson. [2] For example, if your partner is consistently unable (or unwilling) to express affection, offer emotional support, work on intimacy, or treat you with respect, you could be in a toxic relationship.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 828 wikiHow readers how they felt about their role in their relationship, and only 4% of them said I feel like my needs are met. [Take Poll] If your needs aren't being met, it may be time to move on.
  2. Healthy relationships should make you feel better, not worse. [3] If you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells waiting for your partner to lose their temper or unfairly criticize you about something, that’s a red flag. Toxic people will often make you feel emotionally unsafe and tear you down instead of building you up, which is a telltale sign that this is not a good partnership. [4]
    • Your partner might say things like, “You’re so stupid,” or, “Do you ever use that brain of yours?”
    • Toxic people will also often take things out on you. If your partner comes home angry, they might yell or scream at you, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
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  3. Relationships should be fun and leave you feeling content. If the thought of seeing your partner makes you say “Ugh,” or gives you a feeling of dread, it could be a sign that they’re a toxic person. Try to examine these feelings further, and address any issues in the relationship before you continue it. [5]
    • People also tend to feel resigned to their relationship fate once they’ve been in a toxic relationship for a while. Remember that you deserve a happy, healthy partnership, not one that makes you feel bad. Below, we’ll go over tips to help you get out of a toxic relationship if you need some advice.
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Section 2 of 5:

Behaviors of a Toxic Partner to Look Out For

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  1. If your partner constantly points out your flaws or makes you feel like you’re not good enough, this could definitely be a sign that they’re toxic. A toxic person will have no trouble telling you all about the terrible things you’ve done or all the good things you should be doing that you aren’t. They’ll pick at your minor flaws, exaggerate your “bad” behaviors, or even make up things that aren’t true. In fact, a lot of toxic people aren’t afraid to lie—if it means they can judge you even more, they’ll do it. [6]
    • Keep an ear out for phrases like, “You always…” and “You never…” Sweeping statements like these are often overgeneralizations, and it probably means that the person you’re dating is exaggerating to make your actions seem worse.
  2. Toxic people will criticize you for things out of your control. Traffic, the weather, someone else being late—these are all things a toxic person might blame you for, even though there’s no way you could have influenced them. It’s because they are looking for ways to get angry at you and start a fight, and they’ll use anything around them to do it. [7]
    • They might even blame you for things that they did. For instance, if they forgot to buy milk at the store, your partner might say, “Well, you didn’t remind me.”
    • Or, if your partner was late to work, they might say, “You didn’t wake me up on time.”
  3. “One sign [you’re in a relationship with a toxic person] is a lack of accountability,” explains relationship counselor Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. [8] If the person you’re dating can’t admit when they’ve done something wrong and never apologizes, even when you call them out directly, this is a bad sign. A toxic person loves to play the victim, and they’ll constantly find ways to shift the blame to someone else.
    • This goes for issues in your relationship, and things in their personal life, as well. A classic example of this is someone calling all of their exes “crazy," saying all their friends are terrible and everyone in their life lets them down.
    • They’ll also try to spin things around and blame you in fights, explains Polk. [9] For instance, if you said something like, “Why didn’t you call me last night? I was worried sick,” they might say, “Well, you never answer your phone anyway. It’s your fault I didn’t call.”
  4. If your partner is consistently dishonest with you, this is a major red flag. Whether they’re lying to hide infidelity or personal issues like major debts or addiction problems, a lack of transparency and trust can definitely be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. [10]
  5. Repeated infidelity and an inability to change this behavior are common signs of a toxic relationship. Infidelity doesn’t just mean physical infidelity—emotional affairs and flirting with others can also fall into this category. “To me, cheating is betrayal. And a betrayal, it could be at any level,” explains marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson. “It’s when parties have a clear understanding of what needs to be done, and one of the parties is acting against that.” [11]
  6. On the flip side, if your significant other constantly accuses you of being unfaithful with no basis and expresses jealousy toward people that you have purely platonic relationships with, this could be another sign of a toxic partnership. In fact, people who are cheating often project their guilt by accusing their partners of cheating, too, so this could be a sign that they’re actually the one who is being unfaithful. [12]
  7. A toxic partner may say things that sound nice but are actually mean. For example, you might hear a lot of backhanded compliments and put-downs, like “Wow, you actually look nice today” or “You’re so pretty when you make an effort to dress up.” They may also let out their aggression by using sarcasm (“It would have been nice if you called me last night, but whatever”) or giving you the silent treatment. And, if you call them out on it, they’ll probably pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about. [13]
  8. In healthy relationships, partners should always treat each other like equals, no matter what. If your partner belittles you, treats you like you’re a child who doesn’t know anything, or talks to you disrespectfully, it could be a sign that the relationship is toxic. [15]
    • For instance, after you finish talking, a toxic person might say, “So, you do know how to speak coherently. Good job!”
    • Or, they might tell you to “Calm down” or “Take it easy” whenever you get slightly emotional.
  9. If your partner can be excessively loving and affectionate and then do a complete 180 with no warning, this could be a sign of a toxic relationship. When they’re trying to get in your good graces and make sure you aren’t going anywhere, they may shower you with compliments and go overboard with their acts of love. Then, once they’re sure they have you, they could revert to gaslighting, controlling, and belittling you. [16] If you notice this manipulative love-bombing pattern in your relationship, your partner could be toxic.
  10. “ Gaslighting is making your partner seem crazy, irrational, or unintelligent for their subjective experience,” explains Polk. [17] A gaslighter will manipulate you into questioning your memory and your version of events, leading to lots of confusion and self-doubt. [18] If you bring up a legitimate concern about something they did, they’ll tell you that you’re misremembering the situation, or that you’re being overly sensitive about something that isn’t a big deal. If this sounds like your partner, you may be in a relationship with a toxic person.
    • Say, for example, that you tell your significant other that you’re a little upset because they showed up 30 minutes late to your date last weekend.
    • When you bring it up, they respond with statements like, “It’s so ridiculous for you even to be upset about that. It wasn’t a big deal at all,” or “That’s completely untrue, I was barely late. It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes.”
    • These statements invalidate your feelings and make you question your version of events, which would be an example of gaslighting.
  11. If your partner tries to control what you wear, who you spend time with, or where you go, this is definitely a sign of a toxic (and even abusive) relationship. [19] One major thing to look out for would be if they’re isolating you from your social network and support system, explains Polk. [20] For example, if they get mad at you for hanging out with your friends or staying the night with your family, this is a big red flag.
    • Keep in mind that these behaviors can start subtly and then escalate over time. For example, they might try to guilt you into staying home with them by saying “affectionate” things, like, “But I’ll miss you so much!” or, “I thought you liked hanging out with me more than anyone else?”
    • Their behavior can then slowly turn more and more nefarious, and you might eventually find yourself asking their permission before you do things, just so they don’t get mad. [21]
    • This type of behavior can be a sign that your partner is abusive . If you feel like your partner is controlling your life, get help right away. [22]
    EXPERT TIP

    Adam Dorsay, PsyD

    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
    Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
    Adam Dorsay, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

    If you think you're dating a toxic person, you should ask yourself, "What are my boundaries?" "What am I willing to do?" What am I unwilling to do?" Setting boundaries will give you a sense of power when interacting with your partner and will help you take back control of yourself in the relationship.

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Section 3 of 5:

Tips for Ending a Toxic Relationship & Moving On

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  1. If you’re in a relationship with someone who gaslights, manipulates, or controls you, you may doubt yourself or think you’re overreacting if you contemplate leaving. You may also be afraid to upend your life and go through the major change of a breakup. If you’re in this situation, the first step is to acknowledge the fact that your partner’s toxic behaviors are wrong and that you’re justified in your decision to leave. [23]
    • Remember, you deserve to feel loved, safe, and respected in your relationship, and if your partner isn’t meeting these needs, it’s completely okay to end things .
  2. “If it’s clear that you want to leave, then the first thing I would do is get support in your game plan to leave,” explains Polk. [24] For example, if you live with your partner and are financially dependent on them, tell a friend or family member about the situation and ask if you can stay with them while you figure things out. Or, if you’re unsure about how to confront your partner, seek out a licensed therapist or counselor to help you navigate the situation. You don’t have to go through this situation alone! [25]
  3. End the relationship with a clear, direct conversation that doesn’t leave any room for interpretation. Don’t call it a “break” or leave any hope that you’ll reconcile—this can just make things more difficult down the road. If you feel safe to do so, you can have this conversation in person, but if your relationship contains any elements of abuse or if you feel unsafe, it’s absolutely okay to do this over the phone. [26]
  4. “You’re going to need boundaries because there’s going to be pushback from the toxic relationship partner,” explains Polk. “They’re going to blame you. They’re going to try to make you feel bad.” [27] To avoid getting sucked back into their toxic whirlwind, be clear about your needs and expectations going forward.
    • For example, you could tell them that you’re not open to having a friendship with them, so you’ll be enforcing a no-contact boundary.
  5. Even though you’re getting out of an unhealthy and difficult situation, you’ll likely experience feelings of sadness about the relationship ending. “Leaving any relationship, even a toxic one, can be difficult,” says Polk. [28] As you move on from this tough experience , work on building up your self-esteem, taking care of your body and mind, and being kind to yourself. Here are some things to try out:
    • Practice self-compassion . Self-love and compassion mean showing yourself grace in tough moments instead of criticizing or judging yourself. It essentially means treating yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
    • Recite positive affirmations to show yourself some love and build up your confidence. You could say things like, “I’m worthy and deserving of love,” or “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
    • Journal about your feelings . Writing about your emotions can help you understand them, process them, and ultimately, move forward from them.
    • Do things that make you happy, like engaging in your favorite hobbies or spending extra time with friends and family.
    • Consider talking to a licensed therapist or counselor to help you work through your emotions and heal. [29]
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Section 4 of 5:

What is a toxic relationship?

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  1. Unlike healthy relationships, which may have ups and downs but ultimately feel like positive experiences, toxic relationships are marked by primarily negative feelings and experiences. In some cases, toxic relationships can even be physically or emotionally harmful. [30] Here are some examples of the different types of toxic relationships:
    • Abusive relationships: In abusive relationships, one partner tries to exert control over the other partner in unhealthy ways. These relationships can include physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. [31]
    • Emotionally manipulative relationships: Involve one partner using emotionally manipulative tactics (gaslighting, guilt-tripping, love-bombing, lack of accountability, etc.) to get their way and evade blame. [32]
    • Codependent relationships: In a codependent relationship, one partner centers their entire identity around the other partner. They desperately need their partner’s approval, and they often sacrifice their own needs in favor of their partner’s. [33]
    • Competitive relationships: Involve partners who compete with each other and feel jealous of each others’ accomplishments, rather than celebrating each others’ wins.
    • Relationships with consistent infidelity: In these relationships, one partner consistently cheats (emotionally or physically). They may be apologetic and promise to change, but once their partner forgives them, they immediately restart their unfaithful behaviors.
    • Relationships marked by addiction: When one partner struggles with addiction, it often takes time and attention away from the relationship, which can lead to a toxic environment. The partner without the addiction may not know how to help their significant other, leading to stress, sadness, and enabling behaviors. [34]
Section 5 of 5:

FAQs about Toxic Relationships

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  1. “People lose themselves in toxic relationships. It’s very hard to leave,” says certified professional life coach Jessica George. “Many people lose sight of what they were like before the relationship... many fear that they will be alone and can't see themselves without someone by their side. They choose the toxic relationship over health and well-being,” she explains. [35] Here’s a list of common reasons people stay with toxic partners:
    • They’re afraid of being alone.
    • They’ve developed low self-esteem.
    • They’re financially dependent on their partner.
    • They’re trying to stay together for the sake of the kids they share with their partner.
    • Their partner has isolated them from their support system.
    • They’re stuck in the cycle of emotional abuse.
    • They still have hope their partner will change their behavior. [36]
  2. In some cases, it's possible to fix a toxic relationship. To do this, both parties need to be willing to work together, change unhealthy behaviors, and, most likely, seek out professional help from a therapist or counselor. [37] Unfortunately, toxic individuals are often unable or unwilling to change, so leaving the relationship may be the best course of action, explains licensed clinical social worker Hyungbum Kang. [38]
  3. There’s definitely overlap between toxic relationships and abusive relationships, but they aren’t always the same thing. For example, a relationship where one partner is consistently cheating on the other may be toxic, even if it doesn’t have any elements of emotional or physical abuse. An abusive relationship, on the other hand, is always toxic. [39]
    • If your partner’s toxic behavior includes any elements of emotional or physical abuse, isolation, or control and manipulation, there are resources available to help you get out of the relationship safely.
    • These include the U.S. Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, and the Domestic Violence Resource Network . [40]
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Join the Discussion...

Tell me your biggest dating red flags.
WikiRiverDancer234
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WikiRiverDancer234
Okay wikiHow, don’t let me down. I took a few years off from dating after a frankly brutal series of short-lived relationships and I’ve decid... Read More
John Keegan
Dating Coach
So, big red flags, let’s see…I’d say if someone's being dishonest in any way, that’s a huge one. You want to look out for people being ev... Read More
WikiStoatLeaper264
WikiStoatLeaper264
I think communication red flags are important to look out for early on in the dating process. A relationship is built on solid communication. Do... Read More
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  • Question
    How do you know you're dating a gaslighter?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    One sign is a lack of accountability for their side of the relationship. As a result, they will gaslight you and make you feel bad or stupid for bringing up any issue.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you test if someone is gaslighting you?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You gotta evaluate if your partner is making you seem crazy, irrational, unintelligent, for their subjective experience. These are all great signs, but you're the one that needs to evaluate it.
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  • Question
    How do you get out of a toxic relationship?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You're going to need to set firm boundaries, because there is going to be pushback from the toxic relationship partner. Also, make sure you get some kind of financial or emotional support for your plans with family and friends, as that is extremely important.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      • If you are in an abusive relationship, call the U.S. Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. [41]
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      • Keep in mind that everyone has some toxic traits, so everyone in your life may display some of these behaviors from time to time. Consider whether your partner’s traits are coming out frequently or are significantly decreasing your happiness. In this case, it may be time to move on from the relationship for good.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
      3. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      4. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
      5. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202310/spider-webbing-a-new-super-toxic-dating-trend
      7. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/
      8. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      9. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      1. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
      3. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/signs-cheating
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/
      5. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2023.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-angry-therapist/202001/5-signs-toxic-relationship
      7. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing
      8. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-toxic-relationships
      11. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      12. ↑ https://www.new-hope.org/warning-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/
      13. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31561731/
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
      15. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      16. ↑ https://www.roberts.edu/media/14139/breakup_planning_guide_1_onelove.pdf
      17. ↑ https://www.roberts.edu/media/14139/breakup_planning_guide_1_onelove.pdf
      18. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      19. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      20. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
      21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-a-toxic-relationship
      22. ↑ https://counselingcenter.web.baylor.edu/resources/resources-students/what-abusive-relationship
      23. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs
      24. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/codependency
      25. ↑ https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx
      26. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      27. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/11-reasons-why-people-stay-in-unhealthy-relationships
      28. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/toxic-relationships.html
      29. ↑ Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.
      30. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-toxic-relationships
      31. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/
      32. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/

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