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No one’s relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. But if you find yourself feeling drained, unhappy, or worn out after seeing your partner, you might be in a relationship with a toxic person. In this article, we’ll list some of the most common signs that someone is toxic to be around so you can protect your own well-being and peace of mind.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

1

They judge everyone (including you).

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  1. If you’re dating a toxic person, they’ll have no trouble telling you all about the terrible things you’ve done (or haven’t done). [1] In fact, a lot of toxic people aren’t afraid to lie—if it means they can judge you even more, they’ll do it. [2]
    • Keep an ear out for phrases like, “You always…” and, “You never…” Sweeping statements like these are often overgeneralizations, and it probably means that the person you’re dating is exaggerating to make your actions seem worse.
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2

They never apologize.

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  1. If the person you’re dating never says “I’m sorry,” that’s a bad sign. It means that they don’t see anything wrong with their actions, even when you call them out directly. [3]
    • They might even try to spin it around and blame you. [4] For instance, if you said something like, “Why didn’t you call me last night? I was worried sick,” they might say, “Well, you never answer your phone anyway. It’s your fault I didn’t call.”
    • Similarly, you might feel like your partner never listens to you or your needs. This is another sign of toxic behavior, and a big relationship red flag.
    • Ultimately, they'll never be accountable for themselves and their side of the relationship. [5]
3

They manipulate people.

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  1. For instance, they might make friends with someone just to get their networking connections so they can get a better job. Chances are, if the person you’re dating constantly manipulates other people, they’re probably manipulating you, too. [6]
    • You might also see your date using their emotions to get out of something. Maybe whenever you get mad at them, they start crying (in a very dramatic way) so you feel bad for them.
    • Or, if you call out something they did wrong, they’ll act really sad and say things like, “You probably hate me, don’t you?”
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4

They are jealous of your friends and family.

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  1. Even if they know that you aren’t romantically involved with anyone else, they might get mad if you decide to hang out with friends or spend a night with your family. This is because they want you all to themselves, and it’s a big sign that they are a toxic person. [7] [8]
    • They might also try to guilt you into staying home with them instead of going out with your friends. [9] You could hear things like, “But I’ll miss you so much!” or, “I thought you liked hanging out with me?”
5

They try to control you.

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  1. It might start out innocently: they “suggest” the job you should apply for or which outfit you should wear. However, it will slowly turn more and more nefarious—you might find yourself asking their permission before you do things, just so they don’t get mad. [10]
    EXPERT TIP

    Adam Dorsay, PsyD

    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
    Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
    Adam Dorsay, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

    If you think you're dating a toxic person, you should ask yourself, "What are my boundaries?" "What am I willing to do?" What am I unwilling to do?" Setting boundaries will give you a sense of power when interacting with your partner and will help you take back control of yourself in the relationship.

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6

They complain about everything.

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  1. Maybe you went out to have a beautiful picnic with them, but the weather was a little cloudy, so they talk badly about it. [13] Or, maybe you both went out with a group of people and had fun, but when you come home, your partner complains that your friends are annoying. Toxic people do this because they want attention, and being negative is the only way they know how to get it. [14]
    • After spending time with your family, your partner might complain about how often you see them or how much of your time they take up.
7

They blame you for anything that goes wrong.

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  1. Traffic, the weather, someone else being late—these are all things a toxic person might blame you for, even though there’s no way you could have influenced them. It’s because they are looking for ways to get angry at you and start a fight, and they’ll use anything around them to do it. [15]
    • They might even blame you for things that they did. For instance, if they forgot to buy milk at the store, your partner might say, “Well, you didn’t remind me.”
    • Or, if your partner was late to work, they might say, “You didn’t wake me up on time.”
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8

They are passive-aggressive.

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  1. You might hear a lot of backhanded compliments from a toxic person when you two are dating. A mentally healthy person will address their issues head-on, but a toxic person will let out their aggression by using sarcasm or giving you the silent treatment. And, if you call them out on it, they’ll probably pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about. [16]
    • For instance, if you put on a new outfit, they might say, “Wow, that looks really nice. That was so in style 5 years ago.”
    • If you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll probably just say, “I’m fine.”
9

They constantly play the victim.

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  1. Even if they are the only person to blame, a toxic person will find a way to shift it onto someone else. Pay close attention when they tell you stories about their day: do they ever admit fault, or is everyone around them terrible? [17]
    • A classic example of this is someone calling all of their exes “crazy.” If everyone that they have dated in the past is crazy, they’re probably shifting a lot of the blame onto their past partners (and not taking any responsibility for their own part).
    • You might also hear about their terrible friends or how everyone in their life lets them down.
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11

They make you feel bad about yourself.

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  1. If you find that you’re walking on eggshells just waiting for your partner to criticize you again, that’s a red flag. Toxic people will often tear you down instead of building you up, which is a telltale sign that this is not a good partnership. [19]
    • Your partner might say things like, “You’re so stupid,” or, “Do you ever use that brain of yours?”
    • Toxic people will also often take things out on you. If your partner comes home angry, they might yell or scream at you, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you know you're dating a gaslighter?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    One sign is a lack of accountability for their side of the relationship. As a result, they will gaslight you and make you feel bad or stupid for bringing up any issue.
  • Question
    How do you test if someone is gaslighting you?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You gotta evaluate if your partner is making you seem crazy, irrational, unintelligent, for their subjective experience. These are all great signs, but you're the one that needs to evaluate it.
  • Question
    How do you get out of a toxic relationship?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You're going to need to set firm boundaries, because there is going to be pushback from the toxic relationship partner. Also, make sure you get some kind of financial or emotional support for your plans with family and friends, as that is extremely important.
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      Tips

      • If you are in an abusive relationship, call the U.S. Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. [21]
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      References

      1. Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202310/spider-webbing-a-new-super-toxic-dating-trend
      3. https://www.cnbc.com/2023/04/30/psychologist-shares-toxic-phrases-highly-narcissistic-people-always-use-and-how-to-respond.html
      4. Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      5. Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202310/spider-webbing-a-new-super-toxic-dating-trend
      7. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/
      8. Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
      9. Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.

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