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Falling for and dating a man who’s already taken
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Falling in love with a married man is never simple, and that’s understandable. You both have entire lives already in progress and in need of attention. But it’s important to check in on yourself and think about what you want from the relationship, as well as the paths forward. You’re more than just the other woman, after all. We’ll help you tend to your emotions, set healthy boundaries and expectations for the relationship, and make a plan for a future together—or apart. Whichever makes you happiest.
Things You Should Know
- Manage your emotions by speaking to your partner honestly and sharing your feelings with a close friend or therapist.
- Set clear boundaries and expectations as you move forward, and avoid changing your own plans to accommodate him.
- Prioritize your future goals and focus on nurturing your own interests. Don't be afraid to end the relationship if it's not right for you.
Steps
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Be honest with him about how you feel. Depending on how your affair began, it’s possible that he doesn’t realize you’ve fallen in love. It can be painful to love a man who isn’t giving you that love back. Talk to him about how you feel and what you want. This can help you either move forward in your relationship with him or figure out if it’s time to move on. [1] X Research source
- You might say, “I know we started this as a fling, but I’ve fallen in love with you. I want to discuss our future.”
- It’s possible that he’ll get upset when you tell him the truth. If he has a negative response, call a trusted friend for support.
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Avoid trying to compete with his partner. When you know your man is with another person, it’s normal to want to feel superior to them. However, trying to best his partner is unlikely to get him to leave them and will probably make you miserable. Instead, focus on being your best self and doing things that are important to you. If it’s meant to be, he’ll love you for who you are. [2] X Research source
- Don’t stalk your man’s partner on social media or ask your friends to check up on them. Similarly, don’t ask him about what his partner is doing.
- Understand that there are many reasons he may be staying with his current partner, like his children, financials, or emotional well-being, and it may not simply be a matter of who he “loves more.” [3] X Research source
- When you find your thoughts straying to questions like, “Why does he pick her?” turn your attention to what’s going well in your life. Tell yourself, “I’ve had a great weekend,” “I just got a raise,” or “I have the best friends.”
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Forgive yourself for falling in love with a married man if you feel guilty. You might feel guilty for letting yourself fall in love with a guy who is unavailable. This is normal, but torturing yourself isn’t going to make things better. Remind yourself that your emotions aren’t something to be ashamed of, and that wanting to feel love and happiness isn’t wrong. [4] X Research source
- Tell yourself, “It’s impossible to control who you fall in love with. I deserve to find love, so I’m not going to feel guilty for falling in love with someone who’s unavailable.”
- Write yourself a letter of forgiveness, then destroy it. This can be a cathartic exercise that helps you work through your feelings.
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Talk to a therapist if you’re struggling with the situation. Your situation might feel overwhelming and stressful, but you don’t have to do this alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, a therapist can help you process and work through your emotions. Additionally, they can help you decide what’s best for your future and pursue your goals. [5] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If you feel like you have no one to turn to, a therapist may be the answer. They’ll focus on what’s best for you in a non-judgemental way.
- Ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist or look for one online. Your therapy appointments may be covered by your insurance, so check your benefits.
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Find a friend you can confide in without feeling judged. Being in love with a married man can leave you with a lot of conflicting emotions. You might feel happy that you found a man you love, but it may also be hard because he has another family. Look for a friend who will support you during this time. This can help you work through your feelings. [6] X Research source
- You might say, “I really need to talk about my relationship, but I know not everyone understands it. Can I trust you?”
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Be discreet about your relationship. When you’re having an affair with a married man, it’s important to be discreet so people don’t get hurt, at least until you can find a viable path forward. Talk to your man to figure out what’s okay to share with friends or on social media. Additionally, be careful about where you go in public—meet somewhere neither of you will be recognized. [7] X Research source
- If people find out about the affair, it may make your situation more complicated. Additionally, it can lead to hurt feelings.
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Avoid changing your plans because he wants to see you. When you’re dating a married man, he will typically put his family first. That may mean that it’s hard to make plans. However, your time is just as valuable as his, and you deserve to be respected. Don’t change your existing plans because he decides he has time for you. Make it clear to him that you expect him to make and honor plans with you. [8] X Research source
- Say, “I miss you, too! But I already have plans with Karen tonight, so we can have date night on another day. My time is important, too.”
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Communicate your needs and boundaries. Dating a married man can get really complicated. You might feel like you have to take what he gives you, but you deserve to feel loved and cared for. Think about what’s important to you and what you need to feel secure—things like your emotional and physical needs. Then, talk to your man about it. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, you may expect him to talk to you every day, spend your birthday with you, and make plans with you ahead of time.
- Alternatively, you might decide that you want him to initiate divorce proceedings.
- You can’t demand that your boyfriend give you what you want. However, you can set boundaries for what you will and will not accept. If he’s not willing to honor your boundaries, you’ll need to decide if this relationship is worth continuing.
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Tell him what you expect from the relationship and set a timeline. Depending on your personal goals, you may expect him to eventually marry you. Or you may not care about marriage, but you may hope that you have some type of future together. Tell him exactly what that future looks like for you. Then, give him a specific timeline for when you expect things to happen so he can’t string you along. [10] X Research source
- For instance, let’s say you want him to leave his wife and marry you. Say, “You’ve always promised me that I was the one you want. I want you, too. If we’re going to continue this, I expect you to start divorce proceedings in the next 3 months so we can get married by the end of next year.”
- Offer to support him through any hardship brought about by divorce or the ending of the other relationship, and let him know that you’re in this together.
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Consider breaking up with him if he refuses to commit. While it's important to tell him what you want, he may not give it to you. If he ignores your requests and refuses to follow your timeline, he may not be as fully invested in your relationship as you are. Take some time to think about what you really want. It may be best to start moving on from this relationship. [11] X Research source
- While it's hard to walk away from someone you love, he may never actually commit to you. If he's not willing to move forward with you, he may never do it.
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Think carefully before telling his partner or family about your affair. You might think that revealing the truth will help you move things along, but it’s more likely to backfire. He may get angry with you and take his partner’s side. Additionally, you might end up hurting his partner and kids, who aren’t at fault. [12] X Research source Use caution when deciding when and how to disclose the truth.
- Ask him to be honest with his partner. Say, "I think you owe her the truth. Lying to her is wrong, and it's preventing us from really being together." It’ll be better coming from him.
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Ask yourself what you’re getting from the relationship. It’s helpful to understand why you’re in a relationship with him so you can decide what outcome you want. You might hope that one day you’ll marry him, or you may enjoy the freedom of a part-time relationship. Think about how your relationship started, what you like about it, and what you see in the future. [13] X Research source
- For instance, you might realize that you enjoy being in love and spending time together. If he’s not willing to offer you that long-term, it might be best to move on.
- However, you might realize that you are very busy and enjoy having a partner when you have free time. If this is the case, you might decide to continue your relationship as it is now.
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Decide what you want for your future and start pursuing it. Above all, you deserve to be happy, whether or not the man you love can be part of your future. Imagine the future you want, then set goals to help you get there. Break your goals down into steps you can start taking today so you can build the future you want. [14] X Research source
- For example, your goals may be to build your career, find a hobby, get married, and have a baby.
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Nurture your life outside of your relationship with him. Loving a married man may feel like it takes up all of your time because you never know when he’ll be available. However, this isn’t fair to you, and can foster codependency. Instead of revolving your life around him, go out of your way to focus on yourself and do things that make you happy and that enrich your life apart from him. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Here are some things you can try:
- Spend more time with your friends.
- Keep up with your hobbies and interests.
- Take classes to learn a new skill.
- Start a new hobby.
- Join a local gym.
- Apply for jobs that interest you.
- Go on a family vacation.
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Consider seeing other men until he makes your relationship exclusive. When you’re dating a married man, your relationship isn’t exclusive because he’s with someone else—his first partner. Don’t feel like you need to be faithful to him since he’s not faithful to you. [16] X Research source Keep your options open and go on dates to see if there’s another match for you out there.
- For instance, you may stay active on online dating sites, or go out with friends, open to the possibility of meeting someone.
- While you might love him, it’s possible that this relationship doesn’t have a future. You might meet another man who’s available and is a better match!
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Break off the relationship if you know you need to move on. It’s really hard for a relationship that started as an affair to work for the long-term. It’s painful to leave someone you love, but it may be the best option for you. Talk to your man to figure out if you really have a future. If he’s not fully committed to you, it may be best for you to break things off with him. Tell him that you love him but that you can’t be with someone who isn’t fully committed to you. [17] X Research source
- Say, “I love you so much, and I wish things were different. But I know that you’re always going to pick your family, and I have to respect both you and myself, so it’s time for me to move on.”
- He’s probably going to contact you after the breakup to tell you that things have changed and he needs you. Be very cautious about taking him back, and reach out to a therapist or trusted friend for help recovering from the relationship.
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Tips
- Only a fraction of men who have affairs actually leave their partner. While it’s understandable that you hope your man will be in that small group, it’s best to protect yourself.Thanks
- You deserve to have a relationship that is totally and completely yours. Don’t stop looking for a man who is capable of an honest relationship.Thanks
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Warnings
- He will likely put his wife and children ahead of you, which can be very painful. You deserve to feel fully loved! Reach out to someone you trust to help you deal with this situation.Thanks
- While he might make promises to you, be honest with yourself about how truthful he’s been. Try not to get your hopes up if he has a habit of lying.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Chloe Carmichael, PhD .
References
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/12/dear-therapist-i-had-affair-married-man/617361/
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/psychotherapy/about/pac-20384616
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/i-d-always-condemned-infidelity-then-i-fell-in-love-with-a-married-man-20210811-p58hs1.html
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201302/will-your-marriage-survive-the-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/apologies-freud/201210/why-women-want-married-men
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/codependency.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/just-listen/200911/10-reasons-not-date-married-man
- ↑ https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-and-loving-a-married-man
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Loving a married man can be complicated, so it’s important to care for yourself emotionally and set healthy boundaries. It’s normal to struggle with some difficult emotions when you’re with a married man, so do your best to accept your feelings without judgment. Find someone you can confide in about the situation, whether it’s a nonjudgmental friend or a professional therapist, so you won’t have to deal with your feelings alone. To keep things positive, try not to compare yourself with his spouse or compete with them, since this is likely to lead to hurt feelings. It’s easy to feel taken advantage of when you’re with a married man, so make your expectations for the relationship clear. For example, you might tell him that you can’t stay with him if he doesn’t agree to start divorce proceedings with his current spouse by a set deadline. For more tips, including how to develop a plan for your future when you’re with a married man, keep reading!
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