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While many people revel in the idea of a single soul mate, it's possible to feel love for two people at the same time. This can be confusing, especially if you are presently in a relationship. If you find you're in love with two people, evaluate your feelings. Think about your love for each person, and your personal feelings regarding monogamy. If you are in a relationship, figure out how to cope with feelings that verge on emotional infidelity. After figuring out your needs and wants, look into how to move forward. If you're in a relationship currently, you'll want to set firm boundaries for the future.
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Look into any differences between how you love each person. If you find yourself in love with two people, these people may be meeting different emotional needs. Identifying the different reasons you love each person can help you figure out how to move forward. [1] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 July 2020. [2] X Research source- What do you get from each person? Your current boyfriend or girlfriend may bring you stability, but your love for them may feel like friendship love. You may have passion for another person that's missing from your current relationship.
- If you're experiencing two different types of love, there are ways to navigate this. At the beginning of a relationship, you may be more passionate about someone. If you're feeling passion for someone new, you can limit your contact with that person to conversation, for example. You can learn new things about someone and allow yourself to experience the emotional infatuation of a romance while staying physically faithful to your current partner.
- However, be careful. You should be comfortable letting both parties know what is going on. If you're hiding something from your partner, you may be having an emotional affair.
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Think about your needs and wants. Our culture tends to value monogamy, both emotionally and physically. However, you may want and need different things out of a relationship. [3] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 July 2020. Only you can define what you want and need from romantic relationships. You need to know what that is before you can move forward. [4] X Research source- Do you feel you need to be emotionally invested in one person at a time? Some people only want to focus on one person at once. Many people find their capacity for love - romantic or otherwise - is not finite.
- Think about how loving two people makes you feel. Do you feel exhausted by it, or invigorated? Is it something you feel guilty about, or do you feel comfortable with the fact you love two different people?
- Identify what you need. Do you need a relationship with only a single person, or are you open to loving two people at once?
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Consider your take on emotional monogamy. For some people, love has to be monogamous to work. You may need to be loyal to one person on an emotional level as well as a physical one. For others, emotional monogamy is not necessary. You can be physically faithful to one person, but have feelings for people outside of your relationship. Think about your feelings on the subject, and whether you're okay being in love with two people. [5] X Research source
- For some, the ability to love one person at a time is vital to a happy relationship. Some people feel you cannot truly fall in love with two people, as love requires you have an intimate connection with only a single person. Not everyone shares this sentiment. If you are in love with two people, you may able to have an intimate connection with two people that is equally deep and meaningful.
- You may not believe love has a finite value. If this is the case, monogamy may not be in your best interest. Consider pursuing a relationship with both parties at the same time, keeping your expectations open. Dating casually can allow you to explore your options. You may eventually settle on one person.
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Consider whether you're having an emotional affair. If you're currently in a relationship, loving two people can pose problems. If you and your partner have not agreed to an open relationship, being in love with another person can constitute an emotional affair. This can cause feelings of pain and betrayal for your current partner. Look for any signs you're having an emotional affair. [6] X Research source
- You may feel the need to justify your behavior due to latent guilt. You may, for example, need to reassure yourself constantly you and this person are "just friends" or think of justifications for spending time with this person.
- You may also feel the need to cover your tracks. If you're hiding something from your partner, you may be doing something wrong. You may, for example, delete text message or lie to your partner about spending time with the other person.
- Do you obsessively think or daydream about this person? Do you feel excitement when you know you get to see this person? If so, that's definitely a sign it's emotional infidelity.
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Evaluate whether your feelings for your partner are waning. If you're in love with two different people, this may be a warning sign about your current relationship. If you're traditionally only able to love one person at a time, you may be falling out of love with your current partner. [7] X Research source
- How happy are you in your current relationship? If there have been problems for awhile, your attachment to another person may be a warning sign. Do you complain about your partner to this person? Do you share details about your relationship problems you would withhold from others?
- Do you find yourself comparing this person to your partner? You may find this new person has qualities you feel your partner lacks. Is this person very different from your current partner? If so, you may be latching onto someone completely different because your current relationship is not working.
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Discuss your feelings with a therapist . If you're struggling with feelings for someone else, a therapist can be helpful. If your partner expects emotional fidelity, loving another person is a problem. A therapist can help you figure out how to sort through your feelings and proceed in your relationship.
- If you're not currently seeing a therapist, you can get a referral for one through your regular doctor. You can also see what therapists are covered under your insurance network. If you're a student, you may be entitled to free counseling through your school.
- If you believe your relationship is in serious trouble due to outside feelings, consider seeing a couples counselor with your partner to discuss these issues.
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Talk to your partner, if you feel comfortable doing so. In some cases, you may want to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. If you believe your feelings are a threat to your current relationship, you should have a sit down talk to your partner about how to proceed. [8] X Research source
- Pick the right time to talk and eliminate distractions when you have the discussion. Make sure you turn off phones and computers. You should also strive to talk at a time when neither you nor your partner have outside commitments.
- Have empathy . It can be painful for your partner to hear you're in love with someone else, and you don't want to minimize their pain. Allow your partner to feel what they are feeling. For example, don't say something like, "Lots of people have been where you've been and have gotten over it." This may come off as dismissive.
- Form a game plan together. You may decide it's best to end the relationship , or to open up the relationship. Your partner may want you to lessen contact with the other party to salvage things. Whatever you decide, make sure you set clear boundaries both you and your partner agree to and fully understand.
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Cope with an emotional affair. If you had an emotional affair, you need to take time to heal. It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact you were unfaithful, even if it was not physical. You want to give yourself time to let the affair go, and focus on your current partner over the other person. [9] X Research source
- Try to schedule times to think about the other person. It may sound strange, but it can actually be helpful to daydream and obsess about the object of your affection for a set time each day. Trying to never think about this person may backfire. If you give yourself a little leeway once a day, it may help you get over this person longterm.
- Allow yourself time to grieve the relationship. A non-physical relationship can be as intimate and close as a physical one. It will take you some time to feel better about ending the affair. It's normal to miss the person in the aftermath. Try to keep busy and surround yourself with friends.
- Invest in your current relationship. If you've made the choice to stay with your current partner, you need to spend time repairing any damage done by the emotional affair. Spend a lot of one-on-one time with your partner. Try to become physically intimate through sex, cuddling, and touch. Remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner to begin with, and why your relationship is worth it.
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Make a choice. If you're not currently involved with someone monogamously, you may be dating two people at once. You may have feelings of love for both people, but want a monogamous relationship. Figure out which party to choose. There are several factors you can use to decide who is best for you. [10] X Research source
- Think about your goals
. Compatible romantic partners have similar goals and values. Choose the person whose goals more closely align with yours. You and this person should have similar moral values, and want similar things for the future. [11]
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Expert Source
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 July 2020. - Think about how much each person influences you. In a romantic relationship, you are heavily influenced by another person. You'll find yourself adopting their tastes and interests. If you find one person influences your personality more, that person may be right for you.
- You should also consider your feelings for someone. People tend to feel more infatuated with compatible romantic matches. You may find yourself putting one person on more of pedestal. You may play up one person's good qualities slightly more.
- Think about your goals
. Compatible romantic partners have similar goals and values. Choose the person whose goals more closely align with yours. You and this person should have similar moral values, and want similar things for the future. [11]
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Expert Source
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
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Let the person you did not choose know you want to talk. If you make a choice, you should let the other party know. It's best to have the conversation face-to-face, if you feel comfortable doing so, so give the person a head's up you would like to have a serous discussion. [12] X Research source
- For example, you could send a text that says something like, "Hey, there's something that's been on my mind. I would really like to talk to you as soon as possible. Are you free for coffee tomorrow?"
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Break things off in a clear fashion. You want to end things in a clean fashion. Do not leave any ambiguity in the breakup. Make sure you state things are over on no uncertain terms. For example, "I've decided I want to end the romantic portion of our relationship." [13] X Research source
- Avoid phrases like, "I think we should..." and "I feel..." Such statements can make you sound uncertain.
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Give a specific reason, if you feel comfortable. Many people crave closure after a breakup. If you feel comfortable giving a reason, do so. However, it can get tricky when you're leaving for someone else. If you feel like this information would be best left out, give other reasons that contributed to you choosing the other person without explicitly mentioning there's someone else. [14] X Research source
- If you feel comfortable mentioning the other person, say something like, "As you know, I've also been dating Ryan. While I value the time you and I have spent together, I think Ryan is a more compatible match for me longterm. I would like to start seeing him exclusively."
- For many reasons, you may rather leave the other person out. Instead of explicitly mentioning you've chosen someone else, mention the factors that contributed to your choice. For example, "I just feel like, longterm, we don't have the same goals and values. I think we would both be better off with someone who's on the same path."
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Move forward with the other person. Once you've broken up with the other party, move forward. Work on establishing a new relationship with someone you love. You may have some lingering feelings for the other person, but limit contact with that person as you focus on your new romance. With time and distance, those feelings will fade.
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Learn about polyamory . Polyamorous people are open to having multiple romantic relationships at once, as long as all parties consent to this kind of romance. Many people find they are polyamorous, and try to date people who are okay with open or semi-open relationships. [15] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- People who are polyamorous do not feel monogamy is necessary to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Polyamory is not a choice. A lot of it depends on your emotional comfort level and your feelings about love and romance. If you're able to be in love with two people at the same time, you may be polyamorous.
- There are many ways to figure out if you're polyamorous. Look back on your relationships. Are you able to be fulfilled by a single person, or do you frequently find yourself craving love and sex outside of your relationship? If it's the latter, you may be polyamorous. If you feel capable of being in love with and committed to two people at once, you may be polyamorous.
- There is some stigma against polyamory, but work to shut that out. Remember, when it comes to relationships, one size does not fit all. If you are polyamorous, you should feel comfortable exploring your feelings on the subject without feeling guilt.
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Set clear boundaries . Boundaries are always important in a relationship, and especially so if you're in love with two people. Make sure all parties involved know the rules for the given situation, and that everyone is comfortable with the game plan. [16] X Research source
- If you're looking into an open or semi-open relationship, make sure everyone knows what is and is not okay. Are you allowed to be physically intimate with both parties? Can your partners pursue relationships outside of their romance with you? Should one party be prioritized over the other? These are questions you need to ask when proceeding with an open relationship.
- If your current partner does not want a completely open relationship, they may want you to taper off contact with the other person. If this is the case, make sure you know the kind of contact you're allowed to have and what sorts of contact violate your partner's trust.
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Ease into any new rules in a relationship slowly. If you want to have an open relationship with someone, you should ease into the new routine. Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory can be difficult. There's no reason to rush the transition. [17] X Research source
- If your partner is comfortable with you pursuing outside relationships, consider whether you should do so right away. There is no reason to rush polyamory. You may want to give both you and your partner time to adjust to the idea of an open relationship before either of you act on it.
- Expect some tension. Polyamorous or open relationships can be healthy and loving. This does not mean that, in the beginning, things will not feel somewhat messy. Keep things open in regards to communication. Be willing to compromise and smooth over any differences that arise.
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Keep communication open as you move on. However you decide to proceed, you and your partner should keep communication open. Talk to your partner regularly about your feelings. If you're seeing two people at once, let both parties know if your feelings regarding them change at any point in the future.
- If being in love with two people is causing a lot of tension in a relationship, you can talk to a couples counselor. A qualified counselor can help you and your partner figure out better ways to communicate.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionCan you be romantically in love with more than one person?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Some people can. Take time to think about what you want from your relationships. Some people can be in more than one relationship and feel happy, while others need monogamy. If you go the route of monogamy, ask yourself which person are you more compatible with. It's best to pick the person that you get along with better and will have fewer issues with down the road.
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QuestionWhat makes a couple compatible?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Partners who are compatible typically have similar goals and values. Both partners need to want the same things from both their relationship and the future.
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- If you feel you may be polyamorous, see if there is a polyamory discussion group that meets in your area. You can also look into dating sites for polyamorous people to pursue relationships in the future.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-early-stages-falling-in-love
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201005/are-you-in-love-one-person-while-committed-another
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201005/are-you-in-love-one-person-while-committed-another
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/understanding-the-different-types-of-infidelity#1
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/understanding-the-different-types-of-infidelity#1
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/build-trust/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/emotional-infidelity-5-relationship-tips-help-you-deal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201201/breaking-is-hard-do-so-heres-6-step-how
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201201/breaking-is-hard-do-so-heres-6-step-how
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201201/breaking-is-hard-do-so-heres-6-step-how
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201608/should-you-rush-relationship
About This Article
Article Summary
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To handle being in love with two people, start by making a list of what you love about each of them. Then, use the list to decide which of them you'd rather be in a relationship with. For example, if you love the attention you get from the second person but don't see yourself having a future with them, maybe you just need more attention from your current partner. Alternatively, consider whether you want a polyamorous relationship with both people at the same time. Whichever decision you make, consider telling your current partner about your feelings so they know how you feel. For more tips from our co-author, including how to break things off with a second person you love, read on!
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