How to Love a Woman with Abandonment Issues

Co-authored by Peggy Rios, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 10, 2024 References

Does your partner constantly “joke” about you leaving them for someone better? Or, do they repeatedly pull away, only to get jealous when your attention is elsewhere? These are classic signs of someone with abandonment issues. Fortunately, by understanding where your partner’s behavior comes from and taking steps to support her, you can foster a healthy, loving relationship. Keep reading to learn exactly how to love a woman with abandonment issues.

1

Ask her how she’s feeling.

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Check in with her so she can express her emotions often. People with a fear of abandonment often have a tough time expressing themselves, especially if they feel they might be judged for it. ^{[1]
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Research source} According to Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios, "there's [often] some past experiences that will predispose people to thinking [they are not good enough to be in the relationship, such as] overly critical family members or [...] painful friendships [...] where they were made to feel less than their peers." You can mitigate these fears by fostering open communication and checking in on her emotional well-being.
- “Hey honey, you seemed kind of anxious today. Everything okay?”
- “Do you have time to chat? I just wanted to see how your day was going.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 220 wikiHow readers and 57% agreed that the best way to support someone with difficult parental relationships is to show empathy and be a supportive listener . [Take Poll]

2

Be patient with her.

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Giving her time to open up can increase trust. Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios explains that a key to working through abandonment issues is "identifying when [negative] thoughts and feelings come into [your] mind and [being] able to realistically challenge them." This takes time, so your partner might take a longer time to break down her emotional walls with you, and that’s okay. Give her all the time and space she needs until she feels ready, and try not to put pressure on her. ^{[2]
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- You can encourage her to open up by being open yourself. Share something vulnerable with her so she sees just how much you trust her.
- Talk about wanting to get together in an open way, without being forceful.

3

Shut down negative self-talk.

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Help her change the way she thinks and talks about herself. If your partner has abandonment issues, she might automatically talk badly about herself without even realizing it. As Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios explains, "fear of abandonment is often rooted in some underlying assumption that you're not good enough and will be left." You can help her be kind to herself to silence her negativity and think kindly about herself instead. ^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Try gently calling out any negative self-talk you hear to redirect it toward a positive, healthy phrase.
- “There’s no need to call yourself stupid. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not a big deal.”
- “Don’t worry about it—I did the same thing yesterday! We’re only human.”

4

State your feelings and intentions clearly.

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Be open and honest so you don’t leave any room for doubts. People with abandonment issues can sometimes have an "uncomfortable [feeling of] not knowing if [others] really want to talk to [them] or not." In addition, people with abandonment issues often assume the worst about people, because they’re afraid of being abandoned again. You can reassure your partner by being totally honest about your feelings and where you see this relationship going. Keep her in the loop so she never feels blindsided, since that will help her trust you completely. ^{[4]
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- Try to be honest about your feelings, even if they’re negative. Just be sure to follow up with your intentions to stay in the relationship so she feels reassured.
- “I’m feeling frustrated right now, and I need some time to cool off. But I want you to know that we’re not breaking up, and I still love you very much.”

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Abandonment Issues?

Do you often feel afraid or insecure about the state of your relationships, worrying that you might be rejected by someone you care about? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can be triggered by many things, including dysfunctional relationships, and the effects of having abandonment issues can range from mild to severe. Like many common fears and anxieties, abandonment issues can be overcome in time–and recognizing them is the first step. That’s why we created a comprehensive quiz to help you identify whether you may have abandonment issues.

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