15 Ways to Cope When Your Ex-Girlfriend Marries Someone Else

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A guide to moving on after the love of your life says “I do”
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A woman you've been romantically involved with has tied the knot with someone else. Depending on the type of relationship you had together, this may have come as quite a surprise, and you will likely experience a wide range of emotions. Fortunately, there are immediate steps you can take to recover from the shock of a woman you care about marrying another person. Furthermore, you can learn to focus on moving on with your life and addressing any residual feelings of betrayal. Keep reading to learn how to do this and more, with valuable insights from relationship experts and therapists.

Hope to Cope With Her Getting Married

Regulate your emotions and don't reach out to her. Feel your feelings, allow yourself time to grieve, and lean on family and friends for support. Find new hobbies and friends. Journal to process your emotions and seek the guidance of a mental health professional if necessary.

Section 1 of 3:

Dealing with the Shock

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  1. You may feel surprised and hurt when you hear the news. Though it may feel almost impossible not to contact her immediately, hold yourself back from doing so. She made a decision that was hers to make, despite the fact it may pain you immensely. [1]
    • Resist the urge to text. If you can't stop thinking about things you want to say, reach out to a close friend with whom you can talk. Or, try writing them down.
    • Unfollow, unfriend, and otherwise avoid interacting with her on social media.
    • Do not allow yourself to even view her social media profiles. If you catch yourself doing so, don't become frustrated with yourself; simply stop and do something else.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach with more than ten years of experience supporting her clients in their relationships.

    Lia Huynh, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience specializing in providing counseling services.

    Omar Ruiz, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 11 years of counseling experience, specializing in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy.

  2. Even in a scenario where you were egregiously mistreated, do not do anything motivated by a desire for vengeance. While it goes without saying that you should not do anything dangerous or illegal, you should also avoid saying or doing anything disrespectful. In particular, do not repeatedly contact her to question her righteousness or morality. [2]
    • When you're feeling betrayed, you will likely catch yourself thinking one-dimensionally in terms of who is in the wrong. Do not allow your initial thoughts and feelings to guide your behavior.
    • If you're struggling to keep it together, commit to a regular daily routine. Structure and repetitiveness are comforting, especially when you may be stressed.
    • Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope. Not only are these unhealthy behaviors, they may lead you to behave in ways that you will regret. Instead, try calming yourself with deep breathing , meditation , going for a run, or doing anything else that helps you center yourself.
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  3. Again, this won't immediately remove the pain that you're feeling; however, it may help you start to get in the mindset that will be necessary to move on. You've endured some potentially traumatizing news, and getting through it will allow you to better face hard realizations moving forward. [4]
    • If a more blunt approach works better for you, remind yourself that you do not have a choice in the matter. You must move on, and you know you will eventually, even if it may not feel possible at this moment.
    • Take pride in moments of resilience. When you think of her all of a sudden after not thinking of her a while, congratulate yourself for starting to move on, whether it feels like you've been able to do so or not.
  4. Though it may seem like a strong word, your experience will likely cause you to experience grief. Grieving is a process, during which you may need extra support from other people. Reach out to close friends or family members, especially those that have gone through a painful separation themselves. Licensed marriage therapist Lia Huynh, LFT encourages you to “find people who you can connect with.” She cites friends and family as great sources of support, and adds that “finding shared experiences helps you feel less alone.” [5]
    • For example, if you learn that your friend went through a similar situation, it can help you feel less alone.
    • Focus on spending time with people who excite you. Positive people who are good at listening are the best type to help you heal. Further, make sure you're around those you can speak with honestly without worrying about judgment or criticism. [6]
    • Don't hesitate to ask for help explicitly. Say something along the lines of, "Hey, can I tell you about some of the thoughts I've been having? I think it'll help to get them off my chest, and I'd appreciate your advice."
    • Reader Poll: We asked 122 wikiHow readers if talking to someone makes them feel better when they’re upset, and 74% of them said yes. [Take Poll]
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Section 2 of 3:

Moving On with Your Own Life

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  1. One of the hardest parts of any separation with a romantic partner is letting go. Even when the other person has moved on, you may find yourself imagining a whole slew of “what if” scenarios; however, remind yourself that there are likely also many reasons that it didn't work out. [7]
    • Reflect on how you felt when you were dating. Often, we look back on past relationships through rose-colored glasses. You may have even been questioning the relationship yourself.
    • Accept that she has moved on. You may have been holding out hope that things would work out between the two of you and you might have another shot at love with your ex. It may be painful to let go of that dream, but you can take her marriage as a definitive answer to any of your lingering questions: your romantic relationship is over.
    • Even if you weren't convinced it was meant to be, it still hurts to be the one who is left behind. Remind yourself, however, that you're likely feeling drawn to her in part because of her sudden increased distance.
  2. Everyone always has a list of things they want to spend more time on, try out, or grow more familiar with. Choose one or two activities you want to try or do more frequently. For instance, start hitting the gym three times a week instead of just once. Alternatively, pick up a new hobby altogether.
    • Try to choose something active and something creative. You can interpret these as broadly as you wish. The point is, staying active will literally help your body and mind feel better, and having a creative outlet can provide a powerful way to express your emotions.
    • For example, yoga or guided meditation can not only make you feel great, it will also likely lead you to meet new people. Simple, weekly activities can open up doors to whole new friend groups and lifestyles!
    • Maybe you've always wanted to play guitar. Here's your chance! You can probably even find people to learn and practice with by contacting local music stores or searching online.
  3. The classic example is a vacation. Start an email or group text thread with a group of your friends and pitch some ideas for a weekend trip. Choose somewhere relatively nearby so it will be easier and less expensive for people to commit. Pick a weekend a month or so ahead of time. This ensures you and others can prepare for the trip, and will give you something to look forward to for the next month!
    • If you can't escape for a trip, make plans to have friends over next weekend, just to hang out. There's nothing like a video game marathon to distract you for a while and help you relax.
  4. Sometimes a rude awakening can be exactly what we need. Use your newfound freedom to refocus on your goals. When you catch yourself thinking about her, distract yourself immediately. Choose a goal you want to achieve, and whenever she comes to mind, think of something you can do to help achieve that goal and get to work. Dreyfus says, “Decide to add some change to your day-to-day routine, do new activities, and refocus on your hobbies and interests.” She goes on to explain that “change creates new energy and can support you in feeling excited about life.” [8]
    • Dreyfus adds, “Making small or big changes in your home can help you to feel like that experience is done and you are already living your next chapter.” [9]
    • If you're looking for a new goal, consider meeting someone new. Instead of just waiting to meet someone, start introducing yourself to people you're attracted to more frequently. This may be especially easy at events that have to do with something you enjoy.
  5. 5
    Make new friends. In the course of dating, many people see their social networks shrink. This may be even worse if you shared most of your friendships with your girlfriend. Don't hesitate to reach out to those who interest you, and make plans to do something simple and see if you hit it off. You can also try venturing out to meet new people in general. While making new friends as an adult can be challenging, here are some things you can try: [10]
    • Join an online group for a hobby you already enjoy, like a running club.
    • Take a pottery class, cooking class, dance class, or any other subject that interests you.
    • Work from a coffee shop and chat up fellow customers.
  6. Some of the scarier aspects of enduring a romantic partner marrying someone else are the different forms of self-doubt that will inevitably arise. You may find yourself questioning your ability to trust someone again, or to maintain a romantic relationship. Nip these doubts in the bud by dating someone else. [11]
    • Take advantage of your newfound freedom! This doesn't mean you have to jump into anything serious. In fact, you shouldn't. That said, you should definitely introduce yourself to that cute barista you're always happy to see.
    • If you are feeling betrayed and find it difficult to trust enough to start dating, take some time to work on coping with your emotions and learning to trust again.
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Section 3 of 3:

Coping with Your Emotions

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  1. Grief is an entirely natural reaction to loss, especially the loss of someone we care deeply about. Licensed marriage therapist Omar Ruiz, LMFT explains, “You need to understand that it's a grieving process. It’s almost similar to the death of a loved one because it’s a loss of connection, relationship, and potential ideas and thoughts of a future together.” [12] Feeling the pain of these losses is a necessary part of letting go of something. According to Huynh, the best thing is to strike a “balance between processing your feelings” and finding healthy distractions. [13]
    • She says, “You need time to process the grief, to miss your ex, to hate your ex, to regret, etc. However, you can’t be in that state all the time. You will fall into despair.” [14]
    • Share how you're feeling. Whether with friends or a therapist, it will help to talk about what you're going through. [15]
    • Keep a journal . Writing your thoughts is an extremely effective way to help release emotions and center yourself.
  2. The circumstances of your ex getting married to someone else may leave you feeling shocked and betrayed. You may wonder if you can ever trust anyone again and be reluctant to open yourself up to another relationship. There is work you can do with a therapist or on your own that can help you heal and be willing to trust someone in the future.
    • Work with a therapist to learn to separate your fears related to this betrayal from future relationships. You can explore what suggests a potential partner is someone you can trust, such as repeatedly following through on their promises and how they react when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. [16] Notice if the person takes responsibility for their mistakes and if they seem invested in understanding your wants, needs, and well-being. [17]
    • Becoming distrustful after a betrayal limits your social connections with others and may cause you to miss out on other potentially fulfilling relationships.
  3. You may feel some pretty heavy emotions for a while. You may even feel used, shamed, or betrayed. Many people enduring an unexpected separation feel inadequate, or even expendable. You may even start to feel less interesting or less attractive. You may feel betrayed, shocked, and angry. These negative thoughts are normal under the circumstances — try to avoid stuffing them down and not addressing them. Processing these emotions may be difficult, but working through your feelings will help you move on and start feeling better about yourself.
    • First, allow yourself to sit with your emotions and identify what you're feeling, instead of distracting yourself from what you're feeling.
    • Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Though it might be painful, it’s necessary for the grieving process.
    • Address the emotions. Acknowledge that you are likely feeling these emotions as a direct result of your former girlfriend getting married — you may feel unlovable, but it's not because that is true, it's because you are reacting to a painful experience.
    • Teach yourself how to challenge negative thoughts by reframing them and using evidence to refute them. For instance, maybe you keep thinking you will never meet another woman. Write down all the evidence that shows this isn't true.
  4. Somewhere buried within the moments of emotional distress are occasional whispers of relief. You no longer have to wonder about a relationship that you may have been unsure of yourself. Either way, she's moved on, and this may enable or motivate you to do so as well. [18]
    • Further, people often don't recognize unhealthy relationships until they're no longer in one. Remember that recurring issue you two could never work out? Well, now you don't have to.
  5. You've been trying to push away all the inadvertent emotions and persistent feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Sometimes, you can distract yourself, or even convince yourself to put a positive spin on everything. But other times, the negativity seems to just grab onto your brain and hold it in a vice grip. This is entirely natural — feelings are feelings, and they come up when you least expect it. [19]
    • Even if the scenario wasn't outrageous, and you and your ex have mostly parted ways on good terms, the fact that she's potentially happier with someone else won't stay out of your mind. Understandably, this bums you out. This is natural, and it's actually healthier to feel it than ignore it.
    • Watch out for worsening or recurring negativity. If you're suffering most of the time, consider meeting with a therapist.
    • Huynh adds, “Take care of yourself, sleep, eat, and exercise. But don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do everything. Give yourself some extra slack.” [20]
  6. The pain of separation is in many ways biologically significant. People are programmed to have strong feelings of attachment to those they are romantically involved with. This, in part, explains the potency of love. When an ex publicly declares her love for another, it's going to hurt. Consider meeting with a therapist if you can't move on, or if you start to have any thoughts that persistently bother you. Huynh advocates strongly for finding a therapist, stating: “Find a therapist who you can process and work with.” [21]
    • Therapists have talked to all sorts of people about all sorts of relationships, and will know how to help you address certain types of thoughts as they arise.
    • A therapist can also help you start to conceptualize your life in more healthy, forward-thinking, and happiness-inducing ways.
    • Ruiz offers that the worst thing someone can do in this situation is “isolate themselves because that could lead to depression,” and “hopelessness.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      2. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      3. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      5. ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      8. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/making-friends-as-an-adult
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      3. ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/how-can-you-learn-trust-again
      8. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-before-we/201309/your-lover-leaves-you-for-someone-else-now-what
      11. ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      12. ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can feel extremely difficult when someone you love ties the knot with someone else, but you can distance yourself and find a support system to help yourself move forward. Most importantly, try to create distance between yourself and the situation, as it’s bound to only cause you more heartache. Avoid contacting your ex-girlfriend and resist the urge to look at her social media profiles. It can be helpful to unfollow or unfriend her on social media until you feel as though you’re in a better headspace. Try to keep in mind that the worst is over. Although you won’t feel better straight away, remember that from here on, it can only get easier and less painful. Also, find a support system who can help you through this tough time. Talk about your thoughts and feelings with people that you are close to and that you trust. Friends or family members that have been in a similar situation are a good idea. For more advice from our Licensed Professional Counselor co-author, like helpful ways to move on with your own life, read on!

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