How to Stop Fighting With Your Best Friend

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If you and your best friend fight a lot, it may be that you've just fallen into a bad pattern or habit. Try to remember that you started being friends for a reason -- whether it's shared interests, similar backgrounds, or something else. To get your friendship back on track, you can try defusing arguments before they start, as well as several other ways. You may end up taking a break or walking away from a toxic friend.

1

Identify which behaviors are causing a problem.

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  1. Before you talk to your friend, make sure that you carefully think about what might be causing the problem. Try to identify specific behaviors or situations that may be contributing to the issue.
    • For example, if one friend is too controlling, you can ask them to let you do things your own way.
    • If you often argue about what to do, you both might create a list of activities and take turns doing what is on each person's list.
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2

Ask your friend to sit down and talk.

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  1. Pay attention to what they say instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. [1] You may feel the urge to defend yourself if you feel your best friend is misjudging the situation, but you can do that after you have let them speak. [2]
3

Apologize if you need to.

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  1. Make sure you are taking responsibility for hurting your friend by saying something like "I'm sorry I yelled, I know that hurts your feelings."
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4

Make them laugh if things get tense.

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  1. Making references to fun times in the past may be just the thing to get your friend smiling again during a tense moment. [3]
    • Try to get your friend talking about a happy memory, or a time you felt especially close. Asking a question like "Remember when we went to the water park?" will get them focused on the memory, and the distraction may give them time to get a handle on their anger.
    • There's a line between joking and making fun of someone. If your best friend is crying or in pain, laughter may help or it may not.
5

Explain your feelings when you’re calm.

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  1. During a quiet moment sitting down together, you are much more likely to really hear each other and reach a place of understanding. Take turns talking, and avoid interrupting when it's their turn to talk.
    • Studies show your talk will be more productive if you use "I statements" such as: "I feel scared when you yell at me during arguments" or "I feel anxious when you give me the silent treatment after a fight." [4]
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6

Ask about what you can change.

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  1. Whether it's you or your friend that needs to change a particular behavior, talking about it is the best way to work through your trouble. You can make suggestions to each other of ways you would like to be spoken to, or tell each other about specific times when a misunderstanding got out of control.
    • For example, instead of saying your friend needs to nicer to you, you might ask your friend to ask you about your feelings more often.
7

Make an agreement.

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  1. Once you've talked to your best friend, it's important to actually implement the changes that the two of you talked about if you want the dynamic to change. You can't promise you'll never fight with them again, but you can agree to hang up the phone or walk away when an argument starts.
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8

Stop arguments before they start.

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  1. Ask yourself if you could have possibly misunderstood, or if your best friend has a habit of lashing out when they are angry. [5] It takes two to fight, and it's okay to not engage with an angry friend.
    • Even if your best friend is in the wrong, you don't have to escalate the situation by saying something mean back.
    • You may accidentally blurt out things you don't mean to from time to time, but if it happens frequently, your best friend may be feeling reactionary.
    • Try creating a code word that you and your friend can use when you feel like an argument is about to begin. Instead of fighting, use the code to stop the conversation.
9

Try to be kinder to your friend.

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  1. Your best friend may have worries they haven't told you about, like trouble at home or difficulty with a class. In your interactions with your best friend, try to remember that they may be going through something that is causing them to lash out or be extra sensitive right now. [6] Use gentle words, or do something nice for them just because.
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10

Talk to someone impartial.

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  1. Whether the person knows your friend or not, having an outside perspective can help you figure out why you and your best friend fight so much. Do your best to be honest, and try to outline the facts clearly. If they have advice for you, such as apologizing to your friend, or writing them a letter, consider trying it to see if it works.
11

Spend time on your own.

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  1. Try to get in touch with your emotions by listening to music, reading, or going for walks in nature.
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12

Make new friends.

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  1. Perhaps the underlying problem is that you and your best friend have grown apart or no longer share the same interests. It's tough, but it happens, and sometimes relationships end. You may find that your relationship with your best friend has simply run its course, and you are happier overall.
13

Reconnect with your best friend in a week or so.

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  1. You may have learned that the two of you no longer need each other, or that there was something bothering your best friend that they didn't tell you at the time.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1042 wikiHow readers who've fought with a friend, and 57% of them agreed that the main reason friends distance themselves after a fight is that they need time to cool off. [Take Poll]
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14

Distance yourself if the friendship is toxic.

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  1. Do you feel a lot safer, saner, and calmer without the presence of your best friend in your life? You may be coming to the realization that your friendship is toxic, in which case you may be feeling confused or emotionally empty.
    • Write down your observations about life without your best friend. Keeping a journal of your activities during this time can be a great way to explore your feelings about your friendship and your emotional needs.

Join the Discussion...

Fighting with a friend
Trace_Ace693
Trace_Ace693
I have 2 friends called D and B. I first met D and then became friends with B. I don't want to be friends with D anymore but I don't know how to say it to her because she always makes a fight. Though she is kind I'm tired of fighting. I can't be ME because she is always critical. I don't what to do.
Thanks
wikiHow Editorial Team
It can be really tough when a friend is critical of you, especially if you feel like you can't be yourself around her. If your friend makes you feel bad about yourself, then it might be worth addressing it with her. You could talk to her one-on-one and give a few examples of things she's said that were hurtful. She may not realize how her words are affecting you, and may be willing to work on things.

If she's not receptive to the conversation or continues to criticize you, it's okay to end the friendship. You can either tell her directly that you think you've grown apart, or just stop reaching out or making plans with her. Try not to put your other friend in the middle, though—it's okay if they still want to be friends with both of you. Avoid talking badly about the girl you're not getting along with and don't put your other friend in a situation in which she has to choose sides.
Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
There are a few different ways to go about things if you’re fighting with a friend. First, if things are just feeling a little off in your relationship, try not to make assumptions about their feelings. You might suspect or think you understand, but you don’t know until you actually ask them. Go to the source, be kind, and ask if something’s wrong, or if they feel like they have something to discuss with you. If they ask why, simply say that you’re worried because you’re seeing their behavior change a bit, and you want to make sure they’re okay. Avoid being defensive at all costs.

If your friend did something overtly offensive or hurtful to you, try not to jump to conclusions about why they did it. You won’t know the truth until you hear their explanation, but you do need to be ready to hear it, and you need to be ready to talk about how it made you feel. They might not be aware that they hurt you, so you could be calling attention to something they didn’t even realize they did. You can also try giving them the floor to discuss their feelings. Listen first, then explain to them why their behavior hurt you and that you want them to be cognizant of this behavior in the future.

Unfortunately, it can be hard to end friendships gracefully since there are so many emotions involved. However, if something terrible has happened that warrants you having to end the relationship, it’s okay to quietly slip out and stop contacting or connecting with them. If you see them in social situations, simply smile and say hello, but do not engage. Big friend groups always have a few people in them who do not like one another, and this is perfectly okay. Just make sure not to say anything derogatory about them, and always stay classy.
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      Tips

      • Always talk to your best friend instead of keeping your feelings inside. Learning to communicate clearly and effectively will help you in future relationships as well.
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      • Be open to compromise when something really matters to your best friend. For example, if they like a certain band and you don't, you can listen for a few songs before asking to change the music.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/how-get-through-fight-your-bff
      2. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/how-get-through-fight-your-bff
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/managing-conflicts-with-humor.htm
      4. ↑ https://compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-defuse-an-argument#1
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201404/5-steps-end-any-fight

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