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It’s never a fun feeling to be talked down to or treated like you don’t know anything. That’s exactly what condescending people do: whether they mean to or not, they often make us feel like we aren’t as smart as them or we don’t deserve to be talking to them. Fortunately, there are some ways you can confront condescending people and put an end to their patronizing behavior. And, on the flip side, if you’ve been told that you can be condescending, there are some ways you can actively work on it to foster better relationships with your coworkers, partners, and friends.
Steps
Question 1 of 6:
How do you tell if someone is being condescending?
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They explain things you already know. Picture this: you’re chatting with a coworker, and they start explaining something to you that you learned on your first day of the job. You’re taken aback—this coworker has only worked here for a few months, whereas you’ve been at your job for years now. This condescending behavior can make you feel like the person doesn’t take you seriously or assumes you’re not as smart as they are. [1] X Research source
- If you ever call them out on it, condescending people will probably say something like, “Chill out,” or, “Relax.” This is a way of belittling your feelings, and it’s very patronizing.
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They interrupt you or talk over you. [2] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. Condescending people often cut others off or speak loudly to command the room. Chatting with a condescending person is almost impossible, and you might feel like you can’t ever get a word in. This can really rub you the wrong way—you might feel like you’re not actually having a conversation, but you’re just listening to the other person ramble on. [3] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source- Sometimes, condescending people will interrupt you to correct you about a fact or your pronunciation (and they probably won’t be very polite about it, either).
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They dismiss you during a conversation. [4] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. Maybe you said something they don’t agree with, and that made them upset. A condescending person will probably roll their eyes or scoff at you. They might even turn their back or walk away from you quickly, too. This condescending body language can make you feel pretty terrible, and it might make you feel like they don’t respect you. [5] X Research source- Condescending people might also pat you on the head to belittle you (kind of like how you’d pat a child or a dog) or look down their nose at you. It might be subtle to them, but you’ll definitely notice it.
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Question 2 of 6:
What causes a person to be condescending?
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They might be trying to control you or the situation. Sometimes, condescending people are talking down to us because they want us to agree with them. They usually do that by making us think that our opinions are wrong or silly, which they’ll do by being condescending. [6] X Research source
- For instance, maybe you and a coworker disagree about how to start a work project. A condescending person might say something like, “Well, I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
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They may be trying to prove how smart they are. Oftentimes, people act condescending because they’re secretly insecure. If you notice that someone is always talking about how smart they are, it’s probably because deep down, they feel like they aren’t smart at all. This is another instance you’ll see a lot in the workplace, especially in new people who might be trying to prove that they deserve to be there. [7] X Research source
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Question 3 of 6:
What do you say to someone who is condescending?
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Start by asking them to clarify what they meant. Sometimes, people don’t realize they’re being condescending. If someone you know just did something that came off as condescending, pause the conversation and ask them to explain why they just did what they did. If they didn’t mean to be rude, they might just apologize and move on. [8] X Research source
- Say something like, “Hey, what did you mean when you said that I probably wouldn’t understand that joke?”
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Repeat what they said or did to you. [9] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022. It can be helpful for condescending people to hear their words in someone else’s mouth. If they just said something condescending, repeat exactly what they said to you, and keep asking them what they meant by that. Hopefully, they’ll backtrack and say they’re sorry. [10] X Research source- Try something like, “You said ‘I’d tell you this joke, but I don’t think you’d understand it.’ Do you think that I’m not smart enough to get your jokes?”
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Call out their behavior. Let the person know that what they just did was super condescending. If you don’t feel comfortable calling them out to their face, you can also walk away from the conversation and approach them privately later. This is a good tactic to use for the workplace, since calling someone out in front of a group can make them feel embarrassed (which can cause them to lash out in anger). [11] X Research source
- You might say something like, “What you said was pretty condescending. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t joke around like that again.”
- If you’re dealing with a condescending coworker, it might also be a good idea to talk with your boss about it. That way, they can have a conversation with your coworker and help foster communication between you two.
Expert AnswerQHow do you respond to a condescending coworker?
Certified Professional Master Life CoachJessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).EXPERT ADVICEGive yourself time to calm down before discussing it with them directly. Say something like, "The other day in the meeting, you said something to me that felt uncomfortable and I wanted to bring it to your attention so we can work through it and avoid it from happening again." Try not to lecture them; instead, just focus on setting clear boundaries.
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Question 5 of 6:
How do I stop condescending behavior?
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Let other people finish speaking before you jump in. When you feel strongly about something, it can be easy to talk over people to make your voice heard. However, this can make the people around you feel like you aren’t actually listening to them, which can be frustrating. When you chat with people, make sure they’re able to finish their sentences fully, and wait for a pause in the conversation before you start talking. [13] X Research source
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Don’t explain things that people already know. You won’t always be able to tell what someone knows and what they don’t, but usually, you can take a pretty good guess. For instance, someone with a PhD in bio-engineering probably doesn’t need you to explain basic biology concepts to them. If you’re ever unsure, just ask! [14] X Research source
- For example, you could say, “You probably know all about this, right?” or, “Are you familiar with this concept?”
- Here’s the important part: if someone says they are familiar with something, don’t explain it to them . Condescending people will sometimes keep going with their explanation, even when they’ve been told they don’t need to.
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Use a neutral, even tone when you talk to people. A lot of times, people pick up on condescending behavior through your tone of voice. Usually, a condescending tone sounds like you’re talking down to someone or speaking to a little kid. Try to talk to everyone like they’re your equal—it will make them feel like you two are on even ground. [15] X Research source
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Question 6 of 6:
Why am I condescending to my partner?
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You might be trying to help, but it comes off as condescending. Maybe you offer to give your partner directions, but they’ve driven to this spot multiple times before. Even though you were just trying to help, it comes off as condescending, because it can feel like you were assuming your partner didn’t know the way. If you ever aren’t sure whether your partner needs help or not, try asking them before you jump in. That way, your help can be helpful instead of coming across as an insult. [16] X Research source
- For instance, in this scenario you might say, “I know you’ve driven here a couple of times before. Do you need directions or are you good to go?”
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You may be letting your anger out passively. Sometimes, passive-aggressive behavior can come across as condescending. Maybe you’re trying to let your partner know that you’re angry, so you talk down to them to tell them that something is wrong. Although this can feel good in the moment, it’s not the best way to foster communication, and it can lead to more problems in the long run. [17] X Research source
- Communication is key here, especially if you’re upset about something. Instead of letting your anger out passively, sit down with your partner and explain why you’re upset. Then, you two can talk it out and come up with a solution together.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is a condescending attitude?Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).Condescending behavior is a power play where the other person is trying to make you look small so they can look big.
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QuestionHow do you respond to a condescending coworker?Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).Give yourself time to calm down before discussing it with them directly. Say something like, "The other day in the meeting, you said something to me that felt uncomfortable and I wanted to bring it to your attention so we can work through it and avoid it from happening again." Try not to lecture them; instead, just focus on setting clear boundaries.
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References
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/people-managers/pages/mansplainers-at-work-.aspx
- ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/09/how-to-help-an-employee-who-rubs-people-the-wrong-way
- ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/condescending-body-language/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brave-talk/202101/11-tips-talking-someone-you-disagree
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brave-talk/202101/11-tips-talking-someone-you-disagree
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/condescending-body-language/
- ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/condescending-body-language/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/condescending-body-language/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/09/how-to-help-an-employee-who-rubs-people-the-wrong-way
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brave-talk/202101/11-tips-talking-someone-you-disagree
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brave-talk/202101/11-tips-talking-someone-you-disagree
- ↑ https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/people-managers/pages/mansplainers-at-work-.aspx
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201707/take-control-who-you-are-in-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/condescending-body-language/
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