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Among your group of friends, you're likely to have at least one who is always running late, canceling at the last minute, coming up with plans but never following through, or who simply just doesn't show up. Whether you call this “blowing you off” or “flaking,” unreliability is a common cause of frustration in friendships, and can even be a sign of a so-called “toxic friendship.” Eventually, for you own benefit (and maybe that of your friend), you have to find ways to adapt to the unreliability, address and try to change it with your friend, or sometimes even end the friendship.
Steps
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Talk to your friend about it. Why should your friend ever change his flaky ways if he doesn't know it bothers you? He may not even know that it is an issue at all unless you tell him so. A healthy friendship, like any good relationship, requires honesty and openness. [1] X Research source
- Calmly but clearly explain to your friend that his unreliability causes you distress and inconvenience, and is having a harmful effect on a friendship that you highly value. For example:
- "I know your life is very hectic right now, and you're trying to be a good friend by making all these plans with me, but the fact that you're always having to cancel at the last minute or don't show up at all is a problem for me. I love spending time with you as much as ever, but maybe we can work together on being more realistic about how often we can get together, until life settles down some for both of us."
- "I know we all joke around about how you're always late for everything, but sometimes it causes real problems when we're late for something important. Can we work on finding some ways to make sure we're on time when it's important to be?"
- Don't raise the issue in a fit of anger after missing the beginning of yet another sporting event or concert because of his lateness. This is more likely to simply devolve into a shouting match with back-and-forth accusations that may imperil the friendship.
- Calmly but clearly explain to your friend that his unreliability causes you distress and inconvenience, and is having a harmful effect on a friendship that you highly value. For example:
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Meet your friend in the middle. One you've raised the issue, you can expect your friend to be a bit defensive and possibly hurt. Immediately discuss ways you can work together to address the issue in a way that will benefit the both of you. Make him feel like he is not the only problem and you are not somehow immune from blame. [2] X Research source
- Can you find ways to build more time flexibility into your time spent together? For instance, can you start your plans with a “buffer” activity without a set starting time (like playing video games or running in the park) before going to a movie or social gathering that does have one? Can you work together to set up concrete plans for that road trip you keep talking about?
- You can't expect your friend to change completely, going from Mr. Flake to Mr. Reliable. By offering to take part in the necessary changes, you improve your odds of achieving some movement on his part.
- For instance: "Whenever we come up with one of our road trip ideas, maybe we should look into it right then as a group to see if it's realistic or not. You shouldn't have to get stuck trying to set up everything, and neither should any of the rest of us."
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Create consequences. Especially once you've clearly expressed the problem and tried to work out mutual solutions to your friend's unreliability, you may need to be more particular about ensuring that future episodes of being “blown off” do not go unmentioned or free of consequences. [3] X Research source
- Establish a time limit for how long you'll wait for him to show up — twenty minutes, an hour, whatever seems fair and sensible to you. If he doesn't show, you go.
- If your problem is a friend who never seems to return your calls, texts, posts, etc., then you may need to stop initiating contact for a period of time. Let your friend assume responsibility for initiating contact; if he refuses to do so, you may have exposed a fundamental weakness in the friendship.
- For instance: "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you finally showed up. I waited for half an hour, and I don't think it would be fair to expect me to wait around any longer than that."
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End the relationship. This should be the last resort, but whenever it becomes clear that your friend has no intention of addressing his unreliability, even when he knows full well that it hurts you, it may be your only option and for your own good. [4] X Research source
- Any healthy friendship should have an equal amount of give and take. [5]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021. - If it is clear that your unreliable friend takes from the relationship without giving and does not truly care about your needs and concerns, then you are likely in a “toxic friendship” built on inequality and hurtfulness. Such toxicity can be bad for your emotional and even physical health. [6] X Research source [7] X Research source
- Breaking up with an unreliable friend is often no easier than breaking off a romantic relationship, but it is equally important to do so when the so-called friendship is a drain on your well-being. In both cases, present a calm, clear, honest assessment of why the relationship needs to end, told directly to the person.
- How to Break Up focuses primarily on romantic relationships, but it may offer you some helpful advice on ending a relationship with a "toxic" friend as well.
- Any healthy friendship should have an equal amount of give and take. [5]
X
Expert Source
Tala Johartchi, PsyD
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Modify your expectations. If you're tired of always being late to the movies, having plans fall through, or being stuck at a party alone, you need to make a change. Sometimes, though, the easiest way to make this change is by adjusting your own perspective. [8] X Research source
- Even in the best case scenario, you're never going to completely change your friend's flaky ways. So you're going to have to make some modifications on your part whether you confront your friend or not (assuming you have no desire to end the friendship).
- Consider, for instance, whether you are making too big a deal out of at least some of the instances of being “blown off.” Is it really that big a deal to miss some of the half-hour of previews before movies? Did you have a good time at the party anyway? Did you make good use of your unexpectedly-free Saturday afternoon? [9] X Research source
- This isn't to say that your frustrations about your friend's unreliability can't be completely justified. It does mean that preparing for this disappointment and looking for “silver linings” when plans go awry may be part of the “cost of doing business” with this friend.
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Prepare a “Plan B.” One of the biggest sources of frustration in dealing with a flaky friend is the fact that you're always getting “stuck”: stuck waiting at the restaurant, stuck without a ride home, stuck not knowing if the ski trip is really going to happen or not. By always establishing a backup plan in advance of dealing with this friend, you can help minimize your frustration. [10] X Research source
- Avoid making plans that hinge on the unreliable person showing up on time or making the key arrangements. Always let someone more reliable be the driver or the organizer. Envision the plan with or without your flaky friend's involvement and make sure it works out either way.
- Don't let yourself get stuck alone waiting for a ride from your unreliable friend. Have a backup “lift” in mind at all times, and try to ensure that you can at least wait around with some other friends.
- While you're waiting (and waiting) to be picked up by your flaky friend, keep working on something useful — homework, cleaning, exercise, etc. Sitting there doing nothing and stewing over being late yet again will not do you any good.
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Try to understand the problem. If your friend is consistently unreliable, your first instinct may be to think she doesn't care about you or has better things to do that spend time with you. By taking the time to consider why she may have this problem with reliability, you might find being blown off by her less grating, or perhaps have a bit more compassion for her efforts. [11] X Research source
- It is true that some people are simply fickle, unreliable, or indecisive by nature. Sometimes people “flake” with regularity because they say “yes” when they are not truly interested in or capable of following through, due to an innate fear of confrontation or rejection. Others may have every intention of following through, but are sabotaged by social anxiety — that is, they would rather not show up than to mess up.
- Whether caused by nature or nurture (or both), some people simply have bad time management and organizational skills. Working on improving those skills may help address the problem of unreliability.
- Your friend may come from a family or community where notions about what it means to be “on time” or to “follow through” on a plan differ from yours. They may see “meet me at 7” or “let's do lunch tomorrow” as more of a general suggestion than an appointment.
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Don't “bend over backwards.” When it comes to unreliable friends, sometimes the truth is as simple as this: “People are flaky because they can be.” [12] X Research source [13] X Expert Source Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021. That is, your friend may keep blowing you off because she experiences no consequences for doing so, and thus senses no reason to change.- Basically, you want to walk the fine line between being accommodating and understanding and being an enabler. There's only so much change you can make on your part, and at some point your unreliable friend is going to have to accept some responsibility for making changes as well. [14] X Research source
- While it may be comforting to think that you can deal with an unreliable friend without having to raise the awkward topic with her, in the end the solution to the problem — and the larger relationship — needs to be a two-way street.
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Avoid Toxic Friendships with this Expert Series
How do you know if your friends are toxic or if the problem is you? Use this expert series to spot the signs of a toxic friend and learn how to deal with them gracefully.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you tell if a friend is gaslighting you?Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.Think about how they treat you in conversations. A gaslighting friend will try to deflect blame and make you question your sense of reality. Let's say you confront a friend about how often they cancel plans—a gaslighting friend might twist the situation and make you feel like you're perceiving things incorrectly.
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QuestionWhat do I do if my best friend keeps blowing me off when I know they don't have any other plans or anything better to do?Community AnswerConfront them about it. Maybe they are going through something right now. It's best to communicate how you are feeling with your best friend.
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QuestionMy friend doesn't listen to me, and loves irritating, annoying and laughing at me deliberately, when when I tell her I don't like this. What do I do?Community AnswerDirectly confront her and ask her why she's doing this. If she doesn't respect your feelings and change her behavior, end this friendship.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201106/when-friend-is-unreliable
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201106/when-friend-is-unreliable
- ↑ http://www.rookiemag.com/2015/03/how-to-deal-with-flaky-friends/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201106/when-friend-is-unreliable
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe
- ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1567610/Could-friendships-be-ruining-your-life.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201106/when-friend-is-unreliable
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/unreliable
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/unreliable
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/unreliable
- ↑ http://www.rookiemag.com/2015/03/how-to-deal-with-flaky-friends/
- ↑ Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe
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